Well written, smoothly presented, gramatically correct, plot, sub plot, characters well defined, climax and great finish. All the makings of a good story and you did it all in 300 words. I don't know if this was for a contest, but if so, you should have won! A 4.5 rating only because it motivates, a 5.0 is complacent. Great reading.
I don't really know how to rate this. Lyrics without the music is like trying to eat banana pudding without the bananas. I am not sure I get the hidden message but I know you planted one in there. The Line, "Buy, apply...THEM...rock and roll." I wonder if instead of Them you intended 'then?' Anyway, as lyrics, (poetry) there is a discernable beat. Keep moving ahead!
Reading this poem is like biting into a strawberry. Not a lot there, but what is there is full of flavor and leaves me looking for more. The title gave a pre-read clue that it was about a television's effect, but I think the mystery may be better retained if you took the hint from the title and just let your readers ponder. Just a thought, I like what I read.
The short-short read well and quickly. I did not feel any bumps in the road with regard to thought process or natural flow from the story teller. Not a lot of meat to chew on, but what was there was good. I suspect this may have been a contest entry. Anyway, if I write any more, my word count will exceed your story....already did!
The vast array of the results military of conflict have been set on a timeline with this poem. The emotions of a Mother's despair then the quick scene change to a soldier reveling in cruelty then another flip to a soldier caring for one of God's lesser creatures to the hoped for conclusion to all battles...peace. The rhythm of the poem allows for a soft ride through the vast scenes you have created in the readers mind. The repetition of "somewhere in time," sets the poem and helps to keep the mind focused on the timelessness of this piece. A good read.
Good message and easily seen. The rhyming scheme flows well and the end line rhymes fit snugly. The meter, though not patterened still manages to allow the reader to follow the stanzas, line for line without stumbling. The poem also serves to remind us of days for celebration can also become days for painful memories. Keep up the writing.
First impression: a simple thought sharing a creative metaphoric image of "sushi people." The last stanza question did provoke more thought, but since sushi is not my type of table fare I had little to draw from.
Technically speaking, even though this is presented as free style poetry with three stanzas of 7 lines each, I have a hard time placing this in the poetry category. The lack of meter removes this from poetry. To show you what I mean, if you put the writing in its entirity in a single paragraph, it says the same thing, the same way, without demininishing from the writing but in fact will add to it. It becomes easier to read and quicker to understand.
I am a puritst when it comes to poetry, preferring form over style, but poetry without meter is ...prose. What you have written is well written, well thought out and evidences your craft with ink.
After reading the prologue, and rereading the prologue I needed more. You have a story in your mind, I could quickly tell that. You know how to pen a narrative, that too is obvious. The problem I see in the prologue and the first chapter as well is, you think I know what you are thinking.
As a reader, I am unsure of how evil and good became. I am even more confused about how the nuturals became. What are they, spiritual or material beings. Where are they? If they both split, where did the other half go? If your prologue is only intended to tease me into the first chapter, it worked. I read the first chapter.
The first chapter is more confusing than the prologue. You have the skill to write action but you need to put it together. I felt like you have this great picture to show me, you cut it up into puzzle pieces but your are only showing me a few of the pieces and I don't even know if what I am seeing is right-side up or upside down.
Maybe you need to take this cake off the serving platter and put it back in the writers oven until it is done.
You have what it takes, I just want more of the cake.
Simply put yet compacted with the message of grace. The poem flows smoothly and has enough meter to keep it easy on the reading road. The only bump I hit was the rhyming that occurred in the last stanza, (departs-starts). I anticipated a rhyme as I drew near the conclusion even though there is no rhyming pattern established in the fist stanza. I don't think it necessary to reference the scripture. Those who know their Bible will know the verse, and those who don't, won't care. Good write and worth saving and sharing.
I enjoyed the story as ir moved quickly at first. I did have trouble with the second paragraph as it did not make sence at first after two more slower readings I determined that the sentence is a run-on and can be easily tweeked. Although the story lack flare and creativity I found it easy to follow and it flowed to a disappointing ending. I felt cheated with the "somehow," explantions at the end. I think you took a simple way out instead of the more difficult course of imaginary work. All in all, not a bad story, but probably not one I am so excited about that I would recommed it to my friends.
Interesting philosphical quips that are both thought provoking and original.
As for poetic form, the five line stanza followed by 6, 4 lines stanza did little to set the meter. The rhyming pattern sets and unsets throughout the who poem causing major disruption in the smooth reading of the poem. All of these of course can be remedied with some minor glue, but you may want to fix the cracks before the thing falls apart.
Ahhh, now this is a refreshing piece of nostalgia. It sound like the small town I live in with those unspoken of-yet always lived traditions. Great commercial for a comfortable read I am sure.
The reading is refreshing and light of foot, like a well trained dancer. Thanks for the fun.
I loved it! The personification of the storm was a novel idea but to bring out the idea of her purging and clensing properties was certainly creative. Having been there during the relief efforts immediately after her presentation of Robed wind and wave, I too decided early that the hand of God has decided good must come of this.
The poem has a cute story line and seems to be intended for the pre teen age. The rhyming pattern is easily predicted and the meter pattern is awkward with the thought process stopping at the end of the lines then continuing with another added thought.
The idea about an evil, albeit cutsy shadow is quite original and I found it refreshing.
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