I dont know about the taffy reference - but I love the theme and my heart hurts a bit thinking of the emotions you convey in this piece.
Joy at finding the time at long last to do what you love, but sadness without the children. .. and realizing it is them you need to do what you love. We wish away our lives. This piece is a reminder of that!
Well done!
This is a wonderful dark depiction of a broken heart. It could be expanded to an allegorical tale - the baker choosing to remain in his dark kitchen repeating his mistakes forever....learning nothing, stuck in the same place where she left him.
Great work.
Remove: as she left without Bennett. The sentence hits harder when it ends with "hall".
".... as she had tried to stay hopeful" - Good. Very heartbreaking reference here, I feel as though I am in the car, in the moment with this poor heartbroken mother - where this death has occurred so recently, she is still breathing as if hopeful.
Showing not telling: "On her weary face, he saw the heartache of arranging her son’s cremation" could be "Heartache showed on her face as she arranged her tiny son's cremation, two days after giving birth.
I realize this leaves off revealing his name - and I like that spot in the story to give it - but maybe add one more sentence. Something like, " Katie knew childbirth was unpredictable and prepared herself well, but never expected to be leaving without Bennet."
Last sentence is awkward - as last sentences are wan to be! I'm going to take a stick at it:
" Unexpectedly though, Grief also saw overwhelming relief that while she was inside this funeral home, the world was paused. "
Unexpectedly, the heartache Grief observed on Katie's face seemed to give way to relief. The world was paused.
I like the analogy, pausing - its what we want to do when things are going horribly. Earlier, you say "pressed the pause button and the world was stopped" I love this line and since you have written it out there, it is okay [and even sounds more clever] to reference back to it in a more abbreviated way. Readers know exactly what you mean because the line is good and therefore unforgettable, but also just recently used - so you can reference that analogy without fully repeating it. A more concise final sentence with a harder hit.
Thank you for a vivid, stirring snapshot of what these mother's experience. Its important to remember they walk among us - carrying Grief that is unimaginable to most. I hope it wasn't you. If it was, big hug to you and love to Bennet.
PS, One last thing I am not sure who "Grief" is and why youre calling him that. Is he a specter? A force? or a real guy named Grief? A bit confusing. You may be taking a "Meet Joe Black" approach to grief which is cool - but there would have to be a longer story to make that evident. In this little piece, it seems unnecessary. Its a great piece all by itself!
This is a test. I hope this is the right place to post. Just put a short story in my Portfolio.
If anyone is bored could they read it and tell me what they think!
Thank you.
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