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Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/wndyever
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12 Public Reviews Given
27 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
1
1
Review by DDWearsmeout Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
HI there,

I like the story so far. I want to read more and see where this is going.:)

I do have a few suggestions:

Put spaces between your paragraphs because it would be easier to read. Right now everthing runs together.

In the sentence below add (the) in front of (mall.)

Even as the bus pulled away from mall, Hanna Millivan could feel the nervousness seep out of her as her stomach untied itself from its gigantic knot.

I would combine the sentences below.

I did it! I’m free! She thought smiling while taking a deep breath and blowing ice crystals onto the window.

There are many (ands) and (buts) that could use a comma before them. Do a run through and check that out.

After you format the paragraphs drop me an email and I would love to reread and do a more detailed review.

It's a great start!
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Review of Medium Coffee  Open in new Window.
Review by DDWearsmeout Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
WOW!

This is very well written and because of the terrific descriptions, I too can smell the wonderful scent of Dove.

I am so sorry for you loss and can't imagine what it has been like to lose a child. Coffee appears to have been a blessing in all of this tragedy.

Great writing!
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