Summary:
A story about love blooming amid tragedy.
What I liked/disliked:
Your story nearly brought tears to my eyes, both for the loss of your little girl (my own family has experienced a similar loss) and for the thoughtful kindness of your husband. In very few words, you have portrayed your anguish, your strong love, and a hope for the future. This was very powerfully done.
There was not much to dislike about this story.
Errors & Solutions:
There were no major spelling or grammatical errors that I could notice. Congratulations!
A minor nitpick, I thought this sentence was a bit unwieldy: “Since the neighbor watching my children needed to be home herself, my mother had left me to go care for them, for her grandchildren.” It’s in the first paragraph, which is especially critical in a story this short. Something like “Unable to find a babysitter, my mother had left my side to care for my children, her grandchildren” sounds a little less distracting from the storyline to me.
Overall Comments:
This was a beautiful and intimate piece. Thank you for sharing it.
Summary:
This is a vivid romance set on the island of Guam. What I liked/disliked:
What I liked most about this story was your deft descriptions. I could really feel the beauty of the island and Trisha’s love for it.
You did an excellent job of avoiding clichéd descriptions and “showing” versus “telling”, as demonstrated in this sentence. Instead of just writing that Tad was tall, you said: “she looked into deep, Pacific-blue eyes at least eight inches above her own.”
The characterization was also very good. I found both Tad and Trisha to be believable.
There wasn’t much to dislike about this story. One minor quibble was that I didn’t quite understand why the couple would have to leave the island they – or at least, Trisha – loved, just because they were getting married.
Errors & Solutions:
I didn’t notice any serious errors in spelling or grammar. Congratulations!
The only minor problem I noticed was an occasional unnecessary repetition of words, such as: “An extremely fast moving typhoon is moving this way” and “unhook the shutters from their normal up position and fasten the shutters closed”.
Overall Comments:
This story really captured the light and airy feel of the island. It was a very pleasant and enjoyable read with great setting, good characterization, and interesting storyline. Thanks for sharing it!
I love the power of the imagery you used in this poem. It was very strong, and made a beautiful atmosphere.
I only wished it had been longer. I would have loved to have read more about the girl. I think, if expanded, this poem could tell a really interesting story.
Thank you for sharing your work, I really enjoyed reading it!
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