thanks for sharing this song with us all here at WDC. I couldn't download the music as I amhaving problems with my computer right now so will limit my comments to the lyrics alone.
I like the premis of this song and empathise with the desire to want to help the world to see the benefits of the peace. That is a great thing! In writing lyrics, poems or stories on well worn topics such as war, peace and love it is essential for the author to add a large dollop of originality to help their work stand above all the rest.
thanks for sharing your poem with us here at WDC. And welcome from one new member to another!
I like your poem because it is different, original, it shows the reader a little of you/your narrator and aloows the reader to feel they know something of your life.
There are few typo/speling errors which I amsure you will get around attending to soon enough.
I want to encourage you to keep on Writing! Keep on being original and keep speaking out.
thanks for sharing this short story with us here at WDC. It is a story that anyone who has ever been in a competition will relate to. The major fault I found with it is there are no paragraphs breaks this may have been an error in uploading your story. You may not have ticked the box that says preserve spacing, something to keep in mind for future items.
thanks for sharing your informative and helpful article on weight loss with us all here at WDC. I enjoyed reading it and agree with the information you give. There are a few small typos through out that you may want to attend to at some future time.
Your common sense take on managing weight loss is refreshing and confronts some ery real problems that people face.
Thanks for sharing your story with us here at WDC. This story is riveting stuff!
I am not easily drawn into a story but found myself very quickly drawn into the lives of your characters and wanting to know more of what happens to all of them.
I feel that perhaps the child is responding a little too much a little too soon. It is more likely that she would remain very much like a wonded animal and if she spent a great deal of her life in a crate she may not even know how to walk, would likely be suffering from muscle wasting that would not allow her to stand up and her injured ankle which you mention early on would make walking very difficult and even painful for her.
I don't think the men would have bathed a girl child at the site where they found her but it is more likely that Martha would have done so on her arrival at the police station. Perhaps if the men just wrapped her in a blanket and held her firmly so she couldn't escape until she was back at the police station would seem to me to be more realistic.
I feel it would be more realistic if Kira took weeks or months before she could walk let alone run to Robert.
You know some people think I am one of the mean reviewers that always pick on other writers but Gee I can't find a thing wrong with your story! It was very entertaining and interesting.
I know what it is like to have a bad first day at a new school in a new state! I remember how hard I tried the next day to have a good day! I bet Andy did too!
Please keep writing about Andy because he sounds like a really interesting person to keep writing about!
I am just sad that I wont be on the Internet for a really long time after this weekend because now I have your stories to look forward to and it is good to have an excellent writer like you to read!
I live a really long way away in a country called Australia. I live on a big cow farm, I know in USA you call them ranches. Here in Australia we call them stations, which is probably a bit weird since we have police stations and train stations so cow stations sounds a bit too weird!
This weekend I am leaving the cow station to travel right around Australia! It will be a really big adventure and I am looking forward to it too.
I would really like to go to the Wollemi National Park and find the Wollemi Pine trees there. Andy would like the Wollemi Pines because they are dinosaur trees!
They have been growing on earth ever since the dinosaurs did which I think makes them very interesting indeed!
The National Park people don't tell anyone where the trees are because they are so precious and there are not many of them so they wouldn't want someone hurting the last few trees! The biggest of the Wollemi Pines is called King Billy. That is a really cool name for a dinosaur tree!
Anyway I sure hope you keep on writing stories and one day when I get my way back onto the Internet I am going to come looking for more stories about Andy and the Dinosaurs!
Thanks for sharing your poem with us all here at WDC.
It is an interesting exercise to compare ourselves with inanimate objects.
The combination of these two lines brings some real originality to your poem.:
"Life, Liberty, and
The pursuit of kinesiology,"
I like this variation of the maxim. It adds interest and allows the reader to feel they know the poet just a little from a personal perspective.
The last stanza does not quite fit for some reason with this poem and I guess to me, and this is personal opinion only here, that the mind can indeed crash and so perhaps it is more like a computer than unlike it.
Thanks for sharing this poem with us all here at WDC.
I like this poem and feel it has more strengths than weaknesses as a piece of literature.
The opening two lines being of such differing lengths and yet rhyming add originality to the form and structure of the poem. They work together to help the reader to feel they know you from a personal point of view.
I liked these phrases linked as they are on a single line: "name after name – all it can handle." The link between the word 'name' and its colloquial equivalent 'handle' used in a different sense adds much to the strength of this poem.
I like how you draw an equivalent between the number of dead and the entire population of many towns. This again adds strength to the poem.
thanks for sharing this story with us all at WDC. The edit points make it so much easier to give you detailed feedback. I am hoping you will appreciate the many comments I made at each EP.
This is a good story that begins as if it is a memoir of the author and has a great twist at the end.
You do need to draw the reader in, sucker them into the heartache of the narrator a little more.
Thanks for sharing your poem with us here at WDC. It is always good to read new poetry.
I like the premise of this poem, a wondering about day dreams, and I like its simplicity however I would like to encourage you to explore this same theme by showing the reader rather than telling the reader about the things you think of. By this I mean, when you say "This is oh so beautiful" tell us what is beautiful and let us come to see its beauty by our own means. Instead of saying "a glorious ending" show us a glorious ending.
Thanks for sharing your poem with us all at WDC. Poetry is my preferred writing genre and I enjoy reading the broad range of poetry here.
As it stands your poem is a nice example of a love poem, with a fairly good rhythm. The first two lines of the last stanza feel forced. I think the poem would do better without them.
It is always difficult to come up with originality in poems about popular topics such as love, war, hurt etc because they have been written about by nearly every poet that ever lived. However it is not impossible to bring in some originality by creating a new and fresh metaphor or simile, or bringing something uniquley personal in the poem.
it is writers that can bring to light the many issues which need more awareness and help in this world. Your short story helps to raise questions about the welfare of children in India ad other third world countries.
I did think that this phrase apart from being too cliched is also inappropriate as I am sure that sandals and not laced shoes would be more likely to be the footwear of these children if they indeed had any at all.: "were barely old enough to tie their own shoe laces."
Try to find a more original way of describing their young age.
thanks for sharing your essay with us here at WDC. It is a pleasure to read a well thought out consideration of the question of proving god's existence. Far too many writers use emotional or memoir type article to pass as an essay on topics regarding religion and god.
It was a breath of fresh air to read your intelligent item.
Thanks for sharing this poem of yours with us all here at WDC.
You poem is strong and draws crisp and clear images and ideas in the mind fo the reader and raises many controversial questions that lead a reader to think more deeply on the issues at hand.
Some of the features of your poem seem gimicky to me and perhaps in that sense they tend to weaken rather than strengthen your poem.
Such features as the use of dollar signs instead of 's' in this word: exce$$ and in excess capitalisation.
Well Written
Keep On Writing
Kind Regards
Cheryl O'Brien
Thanks for sharing your story here with us all at WDC. I enjyed reading your story and found myself feeling quite emotional when the damage to Jon's hand became apparent at the end of the story, even though I suspected an injury to his hand from the beginning.
This is an excellent story that really allows the reader to empathise with Jon.
my review is only about the poem within this. It is an interesting poems with a little too much repetition in it.
I would strongly suggest that you either delete or rewrite these two stanzas:
Touches missed, misses touched only by regrets not known.
Were you meant for me? Yes, you knew more than I. Still, I knew.
Knowing we knew what the live oaks know,
that time was ours no matter what or if, we vowed to stay.
The knew/know repetition baulks a readers eye and does nothing to enhance the message of the poem.
Thanks for sharing your poem with us all here at WDC.
Your poem is one that many people will relate to well enough however in poetry it is important to use some originality and this can be done by adding seomthing that is very personal and unique about you/the narrator to the poem to give your readers something new and personal to read.
It is not necessary nor is it desirable to place extra line spaces between your lines in poetry. Nor is it necessary to start each line with a capital letter. Use punctuation in writing like you do in other forms of writing. Full stops (periods) at the end of sentences and capitals at the start of sentences.
This is an interesting little poem that asks a question that many people wonder about from time to time. I like your poem.
I think this line could be deleted and doing so would improve the poem. Repetition rarely works to accentuate an idea in poetry. It tends to weaken the poem instead.
"How can it be-how can it be?"
I am sure the sentiments of the poem are shared by many who read it. In poetry, like all other forms of poetry it is not necessary or desirable to capitalise words mid sentence. Trust your choice of words. If you feel the word needs some kind of accentuation then perhaps you need to choose another word.
I particularly liked these lines:
"Each keystroke carefully measured
Like the listened-to beating
Of a watched child's heart -"
thank you for sharing this memoir with us. Especially with me. I am the mother of a child/adult who at six months of age was severely brain injured in an accident and her her resultant disabilities are somewhat similar to those of a person with Cerebral Palsy. I have pained for many years over how her siblings have coped and whether they truly understand the many trials we had to endure as a family because of their sister's disabilities.
You have leant me some of your insight and I want to thank you.
thanks for sharing your story with us here at WDC. I enjoyed reading this short piece. I would like to see it developed just a little more so that we have a chance to empathise with Andy and his Dad a bit more.
thanks for sharing this poem with us at WDC. It was a pleasure to read this poem as I feel it reads much more originally than poems I have read about dance. I like your descritpive writing and feel the pacing of the poem suits the story within the poem very well.
thanks for sharing your poem with us at WDC. This is a pleasant poem that would be delightful for children. I did enjoy reading your poem.
To improve this poem consider something very original about angels to put in your poem. Perhaps a metaphor that has not been used to describe angels before. A little originality will improve this poem very much.
Keep On Writing
Kind Regards
Cheryl O'Brien
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