HECTOR'S ELEGY
We shudder in grief, O bitter tears do we shed,
For the death of our world, the mortal flesh that has bled.
Damn you Homer! damn to you all!
For letting our hero, great Hector fall.
What right have you Homer, and to others speak well,
On the death of a legend, O such beauty in hell.
The gods in their shame, now to Hector must cry,
Forgive us great warrior, for letting you die.
The flame of his glory, through time shall it spread,
But Achilles in hades, no tears shall he shed.
No victor! the spoils, shall be sown far asunder,
In the memory of Hector, their ships will go under.
Damn you Homer! damn to you all!
For letting our hero, great Hector fall.
The Greeks in their joy, shall reap bitter love,
For Hector, our Hector, watches above.
The great gods of Troy, now hiding in shame,
Will bring back his memory, his glory, his fame.
When Hector again, walks the land in his might,
Priam in glory, will sit on his right.
Beautiful. I enjoy well written poetry, and you seem to have a command of the language of verse. I always read poetry aloud, in order to feel the sense of rhythm, and it flowed well. I did notice a few areas that were a little stilted, but that may be the way I read it. In the first stanza,"We shudder in grief, O bitter tears do we shed," I believe that it would sound better as "We shudder in grief, bitter tears do we shed," leaving the "...O..." out of it.
The third line in the first section, "Damn you Homer! Damn to you all!" This might sound better if it were read "Damn you Homer! Damn you for all!" Just a suggestion...but it might make more grammatical sense.
The second section, "What right have you Homer, and to others speak well," I think would sound better without the "and" in the second part. It makes it flow when read aloud. Second line in the second section, "On the death of a legend, O such beauty in hell," would sound better as "On the death of a legend, such beauty in hell." I think I would drop the "O," again, unless you want to keep it for emphasis.
The third section, the second line, "But Achilles in hades, no tears shall he shed." might be better as a capitalized Hades,"But Achilles in Hades, no tears shall he shed." I think the next line,"No victor! the spoils, shall be sown far asunder," would read better without the comma."No victor! the spoils shall be sown far asunder," would be a better way to do this.
In the fifth section, in the third line,"When Hector again, walks the land in his might," again might read better without the comma, "When Hector again walks the land in his might," and makes it flow when read aloud.
Thank-you for the opportunity to review you. It was well worth the read. I hope you can use my suggestions, and keep writing.
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