I wanted to review this because you sounded so defeated.
But I think writing 13 chapters is quite a feat! Because there was a lot here, I’m going to make some overall beginning suggestions and then, if you decide to revise it, I’d be willing to continue to review it as you make changes. Just let me know if it gets updated.
Your story is very imaginative. I would say that is one of your top strengths. It’s a very important strength because it keeps fresh ideas generating for writing. Since you have all these cool ideas, you want your writing to be as crisp and clear as possible. Think of it like looking at them through a window. When the window isn’t clear, it’s harder to visualize what’s happening.
When I edit my writing to make it more clear, I do these things:
1) simplify. If you have 3 pencils, two pens, and 10 crayons, it will be hard for someone to quickly pick out the blue crayon. But if you simplify that set to 1 pencil, one pen, and three crayons, they’ll see the blue one you’re talking about a lot faster. It’s the same with sentences. Each one represents an idea your fantastic imagination came up with. To make it clear to the reader, simplify the sentence until it has only the words/ideas the reader needs to imagine the same things you did. Sometimes it helps to have someone read it aloud, while you listen. When I do that, I catch things I didn’t when I was writing it. Keep the things that sound true for the story and get rid of anything that stands in the way of that.
2) One really important tool for simplifying is punctuation. I once read that punctuation marks are like road signs. A period says, “This is the end of my idea.” A comma is like, “I better slow down here, so the reader doesn’t get confused.” There is a great, often used book that has so many tips for things like this. I’m away from my library right now, so I’ll have to get back to you about the title. It’s definitely worth purchasing.
3) One of my high school English teachers is famous for saying, “Specific is terrific.” She taught me to make my writing stronger by taking out action words/verbs that are general and replacing them with more concrete words. Here’s an example from the beginning of your story: You said, “James was the name they chose for their son.” You could rewrite that as, “They chose the name James for their son,” or “His parents chose to name him James.” Any sentence with a not-so-strong verb - that’s how you can make it stronger.
I’m sending you 300 points because I have confidence in you. The imagination that a story needs is already there. It just needs to be cleaned up a little so the reader can see these happenings as vividly as you did. That’s why you write stories.
Last, but not least, when I started writing, it was poetry. I had to work really hard to write good stories and I’m still in the process of doing that! I think wise people never stop learning, especially about things they enjoy. Most people, including me, learn from mistakes, so this comes from countless mistakes that I’ve made myself. You’re not alone.
So, if you decide to revise this, you’re welcome to send it to me again. I enjoyed reading it. |
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