WOW!!! This is so great! How accurately perceptive you are! I am a woman and I am so amazed at how well you have captured the heart and mind of a woman in this peice and I love it that you also show us the way a man thinks and feels about women-----I love this and am keeping it in my favorites! Would LOVE to read more of where this came from and will delve into your port soon.
First of all, this story is a warm, refreshing story. It made me feel warm and good inside.
You wanted honest, brutal feedback, but I don't think anything brutal is necessary here. I do have some honest suggestions though.
The title. Maybe you might consider another. This title made me think that death or something dark might be involved in this story.
First paragraph--I loved the desription here and Jenna's thoughts about the jellyfish.
"Her straw hair"---suggests that her hair is made of straw. Perhaps you could say, "straw colored hair"
Second paragraph---"In less than a week......living with her dad: if bouncing ....can be called living."
The colon here threw me off. Maybe you could say, "...living with her dad, that is, if bouncing..."
Also, "four cousins and her Aunt..."---I think you need a comma after cousins. You have two different thoughts in this sentence and they need to be separated with a comma. Also, I don't think aunt needs to be capitalized unless she is being addressed.
Third paragraph--I love it!!
"Is everything alright?" Should be "all right?"
"She's tried that and his response was always the same."----Should be "She had tried that.." you need to keep the same tense, not combine present with past.
"15" should be spelled out as fifteen
"babbling stream"-- did you mean "bubbling"?
"Jenna closed her eyes and rejoiced the strength"--did you mean "in the strength"?
"As she walked back across the field where she first started the voice whispered..."---you need a comma after started, else this is confusing.
I am still a newbie and there have been reviewers who gave me detailed suggestions that were truly beneficial to my writing and so I wanted to do the same for you. Your writing has a good flow and I sincerely enjoyed reading it and like I said earlier, it made me feel warm and good. I especially love the concept of assigning each worry to a blade of grass and then casting it down the the stream. I think this is a good idea for each of us to practice!! (perhaps you could come up with a title relating to this? but, that's just me)
I enjoyed this. It is creative, unique and heartwarming. I only saw two errors.
"lye among the mist"---should be "lie"
"with growing courage, she speaks to Him with all her heart"--the verb tense of "speak" in this one sentence is present while the entire rest of the chapter is past tense, so it should be "spoke".
Overall, I really liked this. Your writing is good. I could feel the hopes and dreams of the angel and I could feel warmth in this story and the plot is interesting, making me want to know more. Keep up the good work!
Great story! You snagged me from the first paragraph, had me hanging on the edge of my seat through the plot, had me aching for the main character's feelings, and in the end, you made my heartbeat pause as the closing message rang loud and clear thru to me, hitting a nerve.
Is this purely fiction, or is it a true story? If it's true, I'd like to say that the temporary cause of the blindeness was simply God waking you up to teach you the very message you point out in the story.
If it's fiction, great job weaving a wise moral into an interesting and well-written story.
This is heartwarming and I truly love how you used the Dead Sea and the Sea of Galilee to make your point about what makes a successful marriage.
My only concern is that you have crammed so much good story into a tiny package and there seems to be so much here that should be broken down into more dialogue and detail. Instead of quickly summing up events, let them unfold slowly in story form with plenty of dialogue and detail. You have the makings of a charming story that holds the treasure of a really important moral.
Excellent question. I should hope that if I saw Jesus on the street, I would recognize Him because the Bible says His sheep know Him. I have been baptized into Him and I am not ashamed to say that I belong to Him. If I saw Him on the street, I should hope that I would fall humbly at His feet and say, "My Lord and MY God!" The thought of seeing Jesus on the street invokes a longing within me. I long for the day that I shall see Him.
It pleases me to see that the majority have voted likewise.
I am very interested in checking out your essays and articles. Will review.
Your words had me absorbed all the way to the end. I didn't even feel like I was reading. I really like this. My only suggestion is start with the third paragraph! It would instantly snatch the reader's attention. The first two paragraphs are good creative and descriptive writing, but does the story really need them? But, that's just my opinion. Good story, good job writing it.
This is so good. There are many different kinds of addictions, all of them control us and and become a demon as you say. Your poem makes us aware of the demon and aware of what is important, and being aware can help out in the long run. I hope you will continue to share this poem because there may be many out there who can benefit from it.
I really like this. It is so very moving and I am so happy you shared it with writing.com. There are so many people who have lost their way and let life batter them down, but unfortunately have not found that spark that brought you to a peaceful submission of His Will. I sincerely hope your poem will reach them and bring that spark to them.
This is bittersweet. I felt the character's pain and felt sadness for her and at the end I felt comfort and relief for her. The ending sparks hope into the reader's own expectations of death.
The first line was confusing to me. I had to read it 3 times to understand it. I realize why-- the comma between "doorknob" and "in". I have two suggestions for this line.
#1 You could leave out the comma and join these two thoughts with "perhaps in such a hurry..."
#2 Put a period at the end of doorknob and begin the next sentence with "Perhaps they were in such a hurry..."
That first sentence is the only one I stumbled over. The rest of the piece flowed smoothly.
Good job and I wish you good luck. Write on.
This was touching. You made me care about the characters. I would have liked to have read more interaction and dialogue between the characters rather than each paragraph simply being a summary of the events. Dialogue and interaction create a better read in a story. Also, I noticed several commas preceding the word "and". I don't think they are necessary.
I have always believed that if a writing piece can move the readers emotions, then it is good writing. You have achieved that in this story. Keep it up!
I am a writer, but not a poet. However, I loved your poem! As a lover of God's Word, I can truly appreciate this poem. Good rhyming and rythm. I hope you will do more of these poems based on the Bible.
HI, this is great. When ever you join something new, you want to feel like you are welcome and this forum is like warm open welcoming arms. Thankyou for this. I appreciate it.
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