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Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/writerdeman
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2 Public Reviews Given
50 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
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Review by Jeanne Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Lots of fun! I didn't think I'd be able to come up with anything, but, well, you be da judge. Good for an amusing challenge!
2
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Review by Jeanne Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
Your poem is a good first draft. You have six verses to tell your story and you come very near to succeeding. However, I have a few points to share:
Line 7: Change to "I now realise that we really are over." This is for flow.
Line 8: Change to "For the first time IN a long time. . ."
3rd verse is awkward, the rhythm suffers from disparate syllables.
Line 9: Try: I've been hoping and clinging to memories OR I've been hoping and cling to a memory

Of a love that just didn’t last.
Now I accept that IT'S over and done,

Lines 11 and 12 say the same thing. In place of one of them you could add new information instead of a redundancy.

This is a far as I've got, if you'd like a review of the rest, let me know.

As for the poem's theme, I like the thought of the mountains as a source of healing and would try to emphasize this theme. I would also take another look to see how you can tighten up the rhythm. Good job!Take care,
Jeanne
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