Hi.
My husband was a volunteer firefighter for many years in our hometown before we moved to CA, so this was very real to me. As for the details, they seem ok to me. The only thing is, as experienced as Chuck was, I really don't think he would have gone inside the house like that. I think he would have done the ladder thing. Of course, it made a good (sad) story, and that's good! There's a couple spots where the tense in incorrect; reading the story out loud will help you find them.
I'll bite. I confess I am not a poet, but I can review your poem as a reader.
Your poem flowed nicely, and the rhymes are well-chosen. The imagery in this is lovely, especially the lines, my impatient venture/leaves permanent scars/of prints in the asphalt/and shoes black with tar
I also liked: I sob as I yearn/for the patience I lack,/and weep for the past/that I'll never get back/
I have to tell you that poetry is far from my favorite, but with this poem, you have succeeded in grabbing my attention!
This is a pretty good story. THere are some universal truths that you succeed in making clear. I really liked this part: Sometimes life gives you noise and sometimes it gives you music. Happiness is learning to listen so you can tell the difference. If you hear noise, block it out, shut it off, run away. If you hear music, then dance like it's New Year's Eve, dance like you're 86 and you just hit the lottery.
You change tenses a bit throughout the story, and i'm not sure if it works. I understand what you're trying to do, but I'm just not sure it's working in this story. Someone else might have a different or better opinion on this.
Anyway, good writing and good job getting inside Eddie's head.
Interesting. I found it interesting that the sex of your protagonist was vague. If you don't mind, I found a couple of things that if changed would make your story stronger:
"I remembered the coolness of the steel door as I pressed my HEAD against it"--should that be 'hand?"
"They were MEMORIZING, intoxicating." I think you mean, 'mesmerizing'?
"She showed up during closing time,thank God, too, had she been any later I would have been kicked out." This seems to be a run on sentence; try breaking it up by making it 2 sentences.
"Even my coworkers at work, it angered me." This is a fragment.
This is an interesting beginning to a story. Could you expand it a bit, maybe give some more background? As I said before, I really like the way you keep the main character's sex ambiguous.
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