I realy like the way you showed me how you felt, but it was a little wordy. I think if you had kept the number of syllables in the lines it would sound better and flowed smoother. As it is, in my opinion, it's very choppy and you can tell it was written while the pain was still fresh. If that is how you wanted it to sound, then it is very raw.
It came across like you were trying to push some of the lines out to make it fit, though and I'm not sure you wanted that affect. Please don't misunderstand, I think it is great, but could use a revamp is all. I thank you for sharing this with me and hope you have a better time than the person in the piece. Have a good day!
Very Good! I greatly enjoyed this piece! Go You! Your use of description and emotion flow together nicely! I can't find a lot wrong with it. The only thing I can think of is Coalesce? what is that? I have never heard of it before. Anywho, I think it was wonderful and worthy of reward! Fantastic!
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