The Good:The best stanza:
"But memories are too fleeting
So short do they remain
Joys are lost at such a cost
My heart’s now filled with pain"
It is a good poem. The sort of yearning love poem that works well.
The Bad: For me this line is tough "Perhaps it would be easier" but only because short multi syllabic words are very hard to fit into poetic form without it feeling a little out of rhythm. On that stanza above, the rhythm was very nice. on this one...this line throws it off.
The Ugly:There aint no ugly here
Overall it holds up well. Maybe I am wrong but I think that one line, if changed could make the poem
I like this poem because it is sort of a personal introspective and the visuals are good here. I think it is more like today's contemporary poetry in that it doesnt go more toward conventions. I guess you could say that it is content based. Now I have some questions like, what made you decide this should be a poem? Why not an essay or some other form? I ask that because often I see this form of poetry used as an outlet of self expression but I guess I just wonder if there is that much to it and all these scenes etc. why make it poetry? I also wonder why it has so much critical appeal as opposed to some more conventional (and more famous) poems. Its good stuff though....I guess I need a poetry history lesson on how we went from Dickenson to the new stuff and what the new stuff actually IS. Or maybe it is that the new stuff was always there but I never paid attention to it.
So this is a perfect example of a poem that I like immensly but which I have serious questions about.
Well, I like this because of the feeling. There is some very good language in here as well. I like that this focuses on gratitude and spirituality. I could go for a little more visualization which might make some of it less vague but that isnt the end of the world. Nor is structure or verse, believe me. There are people buying stuff like this right now. Trouble is it pays a penny a word. Good luck!
Not only does it have excellent imagery but it stays with a syllable count at the same time. Not an easy task. The structure looks funny at first but then it makes alot of sense and the third stanza matches with the first. I like that it sort of begins and it ends with dreams. This one is very good! I wouldnt change it
I want to say that there is a message which I like. I think maybe I get lost in this one a little bit because it seems a little off kilter. That may be because of syllabic differences which, in a rhyming poem make it feel off (so just change a few words to make it all match). Or maybe it is a non rhyming poem rhyming for no particular reason which means I am taking it as a rhyming poem. Yet when it doesnt really rhyme, it misses something. I think it has a good message and some flow to it though so, if it isnt too dear to you, you can make a few minor changes and it will sound awesome (to me anyway).
This has a very good story line. I often believe the most important thing, before you get to character symbolism etc. which they will have you on in the college classroom forever, is story. For me, that is the most important thing. One thing I always say is that, in this format, it is harder to see the story when it looks like a big wall of words. I suggest double spacing and maybe increasing font size.
As to the vocabulary, remember that when you are writing anything besides dialogue, it is important to avoid using substitutes (cuz for because as an example). Everyone knows what it means but it just looks better.
Here are the great things: The scene you painted. The cracks in the soil and stray polythene bags being some of the best. I would like to see more India in your writing. I know that sounds horrible, maybe, but the fact is, you can give me an authentic look other people cannot.
Well, that is a cautionary tale. I will never again leave my piggy banks out when I am gone. I had no idea they did all that when I was gone! I have pennies in each worth $2-$3 at least. But hopefully my piggies are more bacon than sausage. As for the story, I really cannot find anything wrong with it, though I had trouble (maybe I missed it) figuring out Dorothy....who she was, where she came in....perhaps she was another piggy bank though for all I knew, she was a sock puppet. Still, that made no difference to the story really.
I thought at first the flow was off but then read it poeticallly and found I was wrong, it flowed perfectly. Also the imagery is fantastic. The reality is I favor nature poems anyway. Just like I favor landscape paintings I guess. So this was very good and easy to understand, which I like very much.
What I thought about was Kurt Vonnegut. Thats what this reminded me of. I am not sure, other than a general rewrite (second draft....checking for grammar errors and that kind of thing) what can be done to really improve on it much. It makes its point. I think we could make these two relatives....give them a connection or something.....maybe make the piece a little longer as a result.....but connect them so the fraternity of breathers really becomes a fraternity.
I think this has great potential. I would say that there are a few things that could improve it. For instance, you speak of "The winter's last breaths"....its ok, though I would think of finding words that make winter human, in a manner of speaking. If you leave it, then say, "It bellows out" rather than "They bellow out"....it just feels better.
"Pride must yield to growth and speculation,
With the positive energy and lasting resolve
To fulfill the promise and scale that majestic wall,
The highly scalable wall built
From purpose and integral livelihood..."
Now here is my favorite part. I feel the images you build here very well. At first, I thought this would be, because of the first stanza, a non rhyming poem that tries to rhyme at some points which rarely works. But the language of the whole piece is really very good, especially those last lines. I guess I am a fan of moralistic stories and poems...I like wisdome pieces.
To me, this poem is professional grade. I was checking out some professional poets recently and saw that they paid little attention to meter and rhyme.....flow might be slightly more important. But at any rate, what they DID pay attention to was a sort of depth of feeling. This has that depth of feeling. Good job.
Here is what I will say. For a draft, it is actually not too bad and does leave the reader wanting more. I will caution you. First, no one wants a wall of words, so make the font bigger and separate the paragraphs (make shorter paragraphs when possible). Double space. The reason is that people have a hard time walking into a wall of words. But the good news: the story is readable.
I usually dont much go in for straight religious stuff because, well, its been done, at great length. But what I like about this is that it doesnt try to change the Bible or the narrative in the Bible at all. It also does it in a fresh way that I find.....ummm...refreshing. So anyway, the structure is good and it all goes together well....its a good poem!
A fantastic indictment of the "critics" in my view. Well, there are plenty on here of course but what I like about this site is that there are more "regular people". Also, more often than not, the "critics" are wrong anyway. I think I found this in the newbie stack though to be published....well, that makes you a newbie here, I suppose.
This is trying to be an essay, or trying to be a poem. It is difficult to determine which one. I suppose it is just me but the world, especially the world of fiction, is a little better with something mystical in it. I enjoy the message this is trying to convey nevertheless, though honestly, most of the propaganda comes from people, not any of the holy books (that would include all of them....not just the bible...including The Buddha who had many writings). Thats just an opinion on the message, I suppose. Still, discovering the inside of oneself is always good advice.
I think this is perfect for the topic and I suppose it won the writers cramp. Pregnancy will play hell on ballet dancers. I think I like that it is a diary entry because it makes the narrative more believable. I think first person is the only way to do something like this.
Good imagery. I like the last two the best but I am a lover of simple poems. That said, I like coffee too, so the first one has its appeal though I've always liked the smell of coffee the best......from Sumatra. Instead we have in that one the smell of paper and ink....its an original idea and I like it. Either way, these are three great cold weather poems.
Well, I love fairy stories anyway and this takes concepts that usually dont go together and puts them together. I do like the epic feel and the storytelling that goes on in this. The inclusion of interactions between monks and faerie folk is great. I think it has been awhile since I have seen "monk with a heart of gold" but if I judge this right, I think that is the theme. I think its time to revive Friar Tuck who was both religious and magic, in his own way. One other thing to the positive. You know that the truth is we have mixed so many pagan things in with Christianity, it is hard to tell them apart.
The only negative I would say is that it loses me in places but that is really minor because that happens in long pieces.
I think it is fantastic you made such a wonderful poem out of something so small. And, I dont know if anyone likes structure, and I mean literally the way the words look on the page but I do and I like the way the sentences grow as they go along. I also like how it comes back to me full circle.
On the up side of this, your description of the action on the court is very good. Also, I guess I like the overall lesson of the piece. The only trouble I have is first, I thought it was about tennis, then it switched and that threw me. I went from tennis land to math land with no transitions. What I would do is maybe make it longer.....This feels like it belongs in something that is longer, like a longer short story or an episode in a novel.
I would just as soon frame this for a good spot on my wall. I think this pretty well covers life's real secrets doesnt it? It is very eastern and, if I may say, Buddhist in philosophy. This was a great gift for me because all I did was hit the little dice icon and got this spectacular.....is it a poem or a guide? Maybe both. Well written and certainly well thought out.
This wasnt actually too bad, though it really could have gone Kurt Vonnegut and been really good. One thing is that yes, I wanted to know but honestly, I wanted to know later. Try to hold the suspense a little, even if that is not the theme.
Maybe I had difficulty understanding what this was about. The writing is ok and there is a twist at the end. I got a little lost though. I also didnt understand how an MFA became a lawyer (if thats what he was). I guess I wanted backstory and its hard to do that in 750 words.
This was really quite good. Let me say this: The story is not really the kind of thing I read, but your writing is quite good. I really like the sort of internal exploration that goes on. It goes from being earthy then soars into the heavens at the end. I also am usually not attracted to the "here and now" type of storytelling but you do it well so lets just say you converted me into a fan by the force of your writing alone. I know its tough to get fives (people on this site tend to be jaded...too much input I suspect) but I think this deserves one.
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