The only suggestion that occurred to me, was that there were a few paragraphs, where you are describing the conversation between the main characters and the twitchy neighbors Frank and Josh. While these are well written paragraphs, part of me wanted to read the actual dialog. If you wanted to expand or change it, that could be an option.
Also in the following sentence: After a little clean up and relaxing awhile, my emotions flared and I flushed a little with anger that these guys would try to talk me out of my property with a few "ghost stories". <--- Here, it seems like you should give us a peek at his internal conversation a bit more. You do later on, once he's already mad but maybe give us a little peek at his internal voice, to see just what wound him up afterwards, as he reviews the advice the odd neighbors have tried to offer/give him.
This: Anyway, off to bed to focus on work the following day. <---It feels like you threw in this sentence to wrap it up. When I read it, to me, it felt a bit awkward. I sadly can't offer any suggestions for smoothing it out and it may just be my own personal preference really.
Here: and 10 million something’s... well, the number was impressive <--- I was at first unsure what you were referencing. I assume you're talking about the many switches and things on the flashlight? You might want to make this just a touch more clear.
stink’ in <-- I think it would be stinkin' but don't quote me on that.
Here: It felt like a mosquito buzzing around your ear, driving me nuts and angered me <--- This reads awkwardly. Maybe try rewording it. Also, I think you meant 'angering' me instead of angered.
This: For unknown reasons I went down that path, human curiosity for the better part, not wanting to go back into the basement for the latter part. <--- I'm not sure, given the choice, that I would prefer an unknown, strangely lit, rocky place over the basement that... while creepy, isn't the unknown. However! This is your character, only you know what he would do, but this action struck me as against normal human nature of the unknown, even in the face of something 'odd'.
This is another line that reads a little awkwardly to me: I could only wonder that this is what happens in hell.
Maybe split this up a bit? Seems long: Two of them, larger than most started fighting, calling threats in their hideous voices which was the sound I had been hearing, only loud enough now to cause my head to feel like it was splitting in two.
Another awkward one: What took forever, I finally reached the entrance.
This line: I shot out of bed <--- This phrase in-particular is undescriptive. Or rather I should say, maybe it doesn't paint the image you want it to. In my mind I see the character shooting up in a rather cartoon, bullet shot into the air, kind of way. Maybe describe what happens. Did he sit up? Did he fall out of bed? The character was running, you could even say he wakes up banging into a wall and waking up his wife as his physical body attempts to keep up with his dream exit. Describe it. This whole piece is very strong, but this line kind of makes it peter out before the smooth finish in my opinion.
Here: like that. Finally <-- Seems like there should be a paragraph break between the end of that sentence, and the one that begins with the word finally.
And last but certainly not least, if you wanted to expand the piece, perhaps give it some more depth you could do some of the dialog you referenced to between the husband and wife, when she gives him a hard time about his nightmare.
Overall, a very good piece! Please don't take any of the above as anything more than creative suggestions! :) |
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