There are some very strong parts of this piece and some very weak parts as well. I'll address both. If you get rid of all the mistakes and expand where you're strongest (in terms of writing) then I think this piece has a lot of potential. Onward...
First, there is way too much going on in that first sentence -- break it up into digestible chunks. This is what you have going on: You have a moon doing something (shining)using six adjectives; you have a lake doing something (being still) and its description; you have a creature with description and it's doing a double action--This is ALL in the FIRST sentence. Yikes. It's way more than one sentence can handle ;) The punctuation is incorrect as well. I've rewritten it here to show you what I mean on both accounts:
The moon was full and bright; it bodly cast its shimmering ghostly glow across the still lake water. Wandering purposefully around the shoreline was a massive manlike creature who seemed intent on destroying everything in its path.
**Do you see the difference?
You're overdoing the modifiers too. A good rule of thumb: Don't stack more than one or two adjectives at a time. When you start modifying with three or more (as in your "shimmering white ghostly glow") it starts to sound too forced. Besides, ghostly already indicates that its white so is technically redundant. Also, with a semi-colon -- it separates two or more interrelated *independent* clauses (full sentences that could stand on their own structurally). You cannot connect a sentence fragment to an independent clause with a semi-colon. In that case, you just use a comma.
There are a lot of comma splices throughout as well. The rules for using commas are pretty fast and loose, but what you're doing is using the comma when you need a conjunction. [Ex: The frog's intrensic croaking sounds that sprang up from the shoreline, sent the beast's head swimming in pain.] You do not need the comma at all -- in fact, it leads to a misread. You just need the word "and" in place of the comma (but if you do that, then you need to get rid of the idicator "that" earlier on in the sentence). The two sentences that follow the one I'm pointing out have the same problems. Also note: you're quadruple stacking adjectives on the word "night" in that paragraph as well. Find another way to tell us (readers) that it's humid and the creature is in Texas, etc., etc. It's just too many qualifiers for one noun.
If you apply what I've "fixed" in the first few paragraphs to the whole piece, it will really clean it up nicely. (Ooh, run it through the spellchecker too)
STRONG POINTS: Your word choice is strikingly original. Your descriptions (when not overworked) are just incredible -- you have a real talent for the language. The story itself is kind of horror/comic and original as well. Really cool, actually. A swampy creature with a headache looking for the racoon responsible for giving it to him! :)
Write on and keep working the language the way you do so well. But pay closer attention to grammar and punctuation which can pull down even the best of stories.
This is an interesting story but it needs some tightening here and there. I could see the ending by the time the old man mentions the electrician. You don't want to blow your story that early on.
Also, you could make more of the strange occurrences. Perhaps a scene where the old people are experiencing the electric anomalies, etc. Something really bizarre or ... ghostly. Even the most senile elderly person would put together an obvious connection between the light switch and the blender.
For a ghost/not-ghost story, there should be more diversions throughout, letting the reader believe (by showing us the strange events) that the cottage may actually be haunted, so that by the end, we are surprised and delighted along with the old couple to discover that it's just wiring.
One last thing -- in the first few passages, you are in passive voice: EX "to the curious questions of the realtor, the couple hemmed and hawed."
I'm all for sentence variation, but not at the expense of voice. Should really be: The couple hemmed and hawed at the realtor's curious questions.
There are a four or so places throughout where you're doing this. It really detracts from overall continuity of voice to go from active to passive and then back again. I'm sure you've heard this a jillion times, but it bears repeating -- ALWAYS avoid passive voice WHENEVER possible unless there is a specific literary reason to include it (even then, use sparingly).
There is a great deal of "over" writing involved here. For example, tagging on "he said philosophically" is too hyperbolic and way up the abstraction ladder, especially for a character that we've just met.
Also, introduce the name of the restaurant (right away) where Viz is talking to the first manager. When the manager mentions the name of the place further down, it lends toward a misread; I'm a fairly close reader and I had to stop and go back over it to figure out what was going on.
Another example of the over writing problem: "Viz scrutinized the kitchen intently." The word scrutiny already means to look and assess intently. To say he scrutinized something intently is redundant. There are a lot of places similar to this throughout.
EX:
**eager gentleman with hopeful eyes. (redundant)
**Get out! screamed the manager (the exclamation point tells us he screamed); And we already know who's doing the screaming, because why would Viz say this? A simple "Get out." or "Get out!" would do.
What is the name of the restaurant where Viz (unlikely) gets hired based on his ability to boil eggs? Why would we know the name of the place where he didn't get anything but a hard time and not the place where he actually got a job and, presumably, access to the chef he's needed for his book?
What you're attempting (it appears) is a piece of metafiction. Read some examples of the genre and see what other (published) authors have done with it. Roland Barthes is a good place to start.
The single best way to improve your writing in an unfamiliar genre is to read, read, read.
As lyrics, it would be easier to review if there were sheet music. I think you've captured the sentiment of loss without being overly sentimental. However, some of the lines are a little clunky. I've reworded a few lines to show you what I mean.
I’ve loved you much right from the start,
And felt love you've given me,
Can I avoid a broken heart?
Please say our love can be.
A lot of the lines could be tightened like this. You may not agree with the way I've retooled but I hope you get an idea of what I mean by tightening the verses.
A few technical things though: You have several comma splices throughout which, since this is only a beginning draft, are probably just typos, but can lead to misreadings, so be aware.
Also, with dialogue, "Always punctuate with a comma after the statement when there is a modifying tag line," said the reviewer. (Like that) See the last two lines in paragraph two for an example of what I'm fixing.
The only other thing I would recommend is to "let some light in" the first few paragraphs. Break them up a bit with dialogue that indicates what your exposition is telling us. It moves the story faster and helps with characterization and distinction between the slaves and the enforcers. Such as paragraph seven when Marin and Koal are talking -- give us the dialogue instead of TELLING us what they said -- let us see them saying it. Or let us see Mila overhearing it -- either way.
Your paragraphs are dense and descriptive and overall it's very well-written. However, I tend to get bogged down (thus forgetting what might be important details) by the time I get to the end of the longer paragraphs. Your prose style should (ideally) reflect the action taking place in the story it's relating. If this is a frenetic chase, your prose should be fast-paced with quick dialogue interactions, etc., etc.
I look forward to reading the entire story when you finish. I'll keep an eye out for it.
Exquisite description. I just love the irony of "peace and solitude" when in fact, animals walk away hungry, get covered by blood suckers, plants fight for space, etc. Unspoiled by humans doesn't necessarily leave an eco-community immune to the very "short, brutish" life we all live. An excellent work of lyrical philosophy.
A few internal conflicts and a borrowed cowboy bravado make Jake an interesting and fun character. I know this is just an installment and probably just a set-up section, but it would go a long way toward this reader's enjoyment to have a little more "story" here. Perhaps introduce Violet Blue in the first few paragraphs and as the description of Jake's run from the law ensues, drop hints as to why this woman has caused him so much trouble. Just a suggestion. Also, there are numerous punctuation and spelling errors in addition to many sentence fragments. A more thorough study of these basic elements (by the author) is in order.
This story is full of quirky characterization that almost instantly beckons the interest of the reader. However, I am disappointed with the abrupt, tongue-in-cheek "moralistic" ending. Overall description is satisfying and in most places original and witty, but as a story this lacks basic structural integrity and development. Please also note that the here-and-there capitalization of regular nouns (sometimes they're capitalized, sometimes they're not and in a lot of places it's both and often incorrect) diminishes the "credibility" of the author. I recommend a solid editor or more study with regard to the codex and its grammatical structuring.
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