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Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/xanderscott
Review Requests: ON
2 Public Reviews Given
2 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
Requested reviews recieve; A full content review, A grammar review, A style review, Special requests can be followed if added in the comments of the review request. I can compare your writing to the specific style of your chosen author. This will require me to read that author's work and will require twice the number of gift - points as a normal review. In terms of word count. I can write you an in depth analysis of about a full written page (250 words) for 7500 gp. $0.75 review is a great deal and all GP transactions support the site.
I'm good at...
Action, suspense,
Favorite Genres
science fiction and fantasy
Least Favorite Genres
Poetry. Horror.
I will not review...
I don't review anything shorter than the length of review requested. If you want a full page from me, I need a full page from you. I won't read more than five pages (1250 words) without sufficient bribery. Perhaps an extra 1500 ($0.15) per page.
Public Reviews
1
1
Review by Xander Scott Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
you do a great job with the story. I thought I would give you a few ideas on how to clean up image and quicken the pace of the story. I’m excited to see where this goes.

What in God/s name am I doing?

Nate gripped the steering wheel, white knuckled, and stared at the road with such intensity he may as well have been deciphering the DaVinci code.
(long sentences are great, but try to boil them down to the exact meaning in a short manner.)
Anything to avoid eye contact.
(the reference of the homeless guy has no context and without context the next sentence is confusing.)
Nate swirved, causing Alex to grip the seat a little tighter.
(a slight swerve seems like a poor descriptor. i don’t see it. weaved over the line perhaps? a just don’t see why alex would be uncomfortable over a “slight” swerve. describe it with an additional sentence?)
Nate took a deep breath, his foot nervously pressing the brake. The car stopped at the red.
(Nate breathed deeply? was it a single deep breath? a gasp? a sigh? was it ongoing or a single moment?)
(did alex JUST get in? the “once inside the car” makes it confusing because i don’t know if he was the homeless guy Nate swerved around or was already in the car due to the previous gripping of the seat.)

“My house isn’t far from here.” Nate said, turning in his seat to look Alex in the eyes.
(mix description with the dialogue so it seems less removed from the action.

“Okay,” Alex responded, his eyes opening a little wider.
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