A soft melodic voice was (came) from behind the door. --- as few was’s as possible
Telhan sat up in bed as he pushed ----- sat up in bed as he---- sat up is implied --- better to hurry along with the pushing ----- he pushed
Afterwards he walked over to the -- we know ‘Afterwards’ is after the blankets Walked over…
Telhan trudged to the --- better just -- at kitchen --- if he is at the kitchen we know he got there
Unless trudged is super important…. but I didn’t see that
as he walked along the dirt ---- he walked --- I knew he was walking from the previous sentence
lots of block paragraphs --- each time a speaker speaks a new paragraph
you write well and seem to know what you are saying
formatting will make people more likely to read it – just saying….
You have good writing structure and that will be very positive for you to get your ideas down. But the block of explanation you have at the start of your story isn’t really helping anything.
You writing is coherent enough that it wasn’t to hard for me to read though it - but some people are slower readers and would find it a lot more distracting. The information you have in there could be easily slipped in as you go after the reader has invested some time and wants to keep reading. It is really easy to lose someone in a few sentences even if later it picks up. So a strong start is mandatory.
You said you have a story outline and if I were you I would hit of some of the big happening that are coming. Just day to day events may be fine and books start that way but usually they are professional writer with people that got the book because then like the writer.
Use unknown beginner have to hook ‘em right a way because they won’t stay unless the make it through the first or second page.
Make a good out line and see if you can leave some crumbs of later things to keep the reader wanting….imo… anyway
Nice easy story to read. Good conversation and flowed well I think all aspects worked together. The gambling thing and putting up for pawn the watch and the prospecting angle give the tail an old west on the moon feel. I’m guessing you were going that way
The way you started the story - that you were as grandfather putting down memories does describe the feeling I got from reading your story. I like the hardware talk of science fiction so I enjoyed the narrative.
Which by the way was easy to read even though it is a long chunk of description. They way you put it - describing how the guys worked together to get a project done helped. It didn’t just sound like a long block of description but something happing even though there was no conversation.
You have an easy going natural style of writing that is the 180 from my not so natural and not so easy going style.
You have done a good job both with the story line and the twist at the end. You sentences are better then the last piece I read of yours and the story is tighter, easy to understand.
You help me a lot on getting my ideas on the complicated story set up I had with the wolf’s grammar and all. So thought I would return the review…
Starting with “As I”(???) better imo….. rolling or pushing…..
As I pushed the snooze button. I rolled out of bed
But I rewrite my stuff a hundred times and I am never satisfied….. not telling you what to do…..
I enjoyed your valentine chocolate story. it looks like it was done a while back, maybe you put it up this time of year. It is well written and gives the reader a sense of not only what the character in the story feels but almost real taste to themselves.
I love raspberry cream
Anyway thanks for sharing - nothing to improve and your writing or ideas
Good job
I like the shortness -- the less is more is a very good way to go a lot of the time. Plus with short stuff it’s hard to find many things wrong! But here is one thought --- remember just my opinion and you don’t have to care.
Not sure what you mean with the “So love is elusive” thought. Is it as “So what if love is elusive.” Or do you mean more like “Love is so elusive”
I like the whole idea behind the funny tragic thought. You should tidy up some of the lines eight and nine especially. Also many time it is better to leave out small word unless they are needed for the rhythm
A snowy trek through the night,
lose the all
I plodded for help on my plight.
For is the correct word in sentence structure but this is poetry so it is good to use close words giving a little mystery plus using “for” a word then “for” again….
fields and farms which grew all about instead of staying don’t get “grew” do you mean “were”?
On one such occasion, I know you want it to sound like a fairy tail but the “such” is too much imo….
jack rabbit of not insignificant size gastronomical fantasies pretty big complex words for a child’s story imo…
Not only did Mr. MacGregor not have a dog he had many other things
Why not get to the point -- he didn’t have a dog and he had carrots, etc.
Winding around is confusing especially for a child’s story. imo…
You have a sweet story buried under there somewhere. I know you want the fairy tail sound but you should go with -- the less is more theory –- especially with a child’s story… just saying …. Imo….
As always i wake and then you have the next sentence I always fond would probably be nice to combine those two “always” thoughts so you don’t us the word twice so close together.
You descriptions are nice - lots of good color the descriptions. A little organization wouldn’t hurt
I opened my eyes and felt the cool morning breeze sometimes the present tense “opening my eyes and feeling” is better just saying… imo….
Ok not trash. If you are on this site much yes - you can find trash and in the supernatural sci-fi and fantasy you will find a lot there. The positive is you have ability to at lest get out you ideas is writing without barring it in a weird witting style. I do think you have will have to focuses your point more - that is always hard. A lot of question marks and such. They are always saying - show the reader doesn’t tell the reader - maybe you are asking the reader to much. Show the reader don’t ask the reader(?)
Arguing that a guy can't be held a hundred percent accountable for what he says in bed is a good one. (lol) why don’t they ever see that? The dysfunctional angle is a good one to get into there are plenty of people with that problem.
I do think you should give Zachariah some other little reason to like his except for rich and good looking. Even if you said something he had this enchanting boyish smile and or little infectious laugh. Of curse it would be all fake and you could make it so he used that knowing he was taking people in.
I feel the story line of getting into the papers and Zachariah liking that he is getting some fame fills out more who he is and makes the reader see him better. Not sure how you are using the word ”literate” here but with the T phone and temple references I see there is a back ground you have in your mind. Would have be nice - even on these introductions - to have those references filled out better so the radar can see the people against the back ground better.
Trying to explain you aren’t into relationships to conquests - in a way doesn’t make since to a regular person. At least lie but I take this to mean - he feels his money is enough to guarantee that the girl will want him anyway, if only for the money.
A - black fire – drink sound like something unusual so I think even at the time Leslie brought the drink Zachariah would have suspected that it wasn’t a coincidence and would have to look back on it as so.
From all the rhetorical questions character asks I get a sense that he knows he has a problem but don’t feel that he will admit that unless there is some event that really shakes him up. The fact that those close to him got together to help and he rejects that compassion makes me feel that it would be a pretty big event to get him to pay attention any problem he may have.
I read through all four of your posts and tried to give my impression of what I got from each page.
I think your overall your idea of the casino setting give the possibly of lots of intrigue and action since it brings money and possibly shady characters together. I see Leslie as good looking I just wish I had a better idea on her personality. Is she sweet? I know you said she was naive but she could still be both that and bitchy. Also I would like to have more description of her moving, how she walks and maybe some facially expressions.
Also you have a background that is in your mind but still isn’t given to the reader. Once you have that give to the reader it will be easer to have them move around in that world.
I put my feeling of what each page is on each page. But over all you have good idea for a start to getting the world you want to share down.
You did a review of the Neanderthal and flat-face so I usually try to do a review for review. You suggested this piece so here I am. As you know it is very difficult to format at this site I had to spend way to much time formatting the italics and bold
It looks like you have some of the same problem with the very long spaces between the sections of words. Unless you did that on purpose and, if that is the case, I don’t understand it; because I find no a reason that it helps the story.
I had hard to read sentences in your sentence structure you have it easy and fast to read. However I did get the impressing of traveling fast but unsure of where I was going. I got the impression from the writing that I will compare to a movie critic - one that complains a move has all the formula elements – like car crashes - sex and violence but the actors are cardboard figures for the explosions to blow up around.
You had a lot of description of different things that were around the actors and things they did - but I never got a since of purpose of why they were doing what they did. They just moved. Also the background was described in block words – rather have the show me don’t tell me thing – like they always say.
Perhaps readers of this type of story are there more for the background of gorge and the thoughts of demonic characters and not so interested in a sharp story line to have the action around. Millions are made that way in the movies just effects and scenery get the fans in.
One that last thing
Daisy took off her coat, revealing a body, even in the work shirt and polyester pants that were her uniform, which men dreamed of.
Daisy took off her coat, revealing a body under her uniform, which men dream of.
All the other polyester stuff distracts me - I just want to visualize her body
You start out good with the first few sentences but then in my opinion the description goes on little to long.
Something I have been doing is to take and cut out a paragraph by itself. Then I will paste that paragraph it in twice into word.
Then on one of the copies I see if can somehow combine the thoughts of two or three sentences into one thought and if possible one sentence. I was surprised how often I had said part of the same thing in more then one sentence.
So I cut out the words on the working copy and set the in-between one copy and the next so it don’t have to re-type things. Then I try to see how I can write the samething I want with as few words as I can. Then I do a word count and see if I can cut as much a one fourth of the words out.
And you know a lot of the time I can cut out quit a bit and still have what I want
For example you have “The front of the house” on one line and then on the next line you have “The front of the house again”. If you could use the thought of “The front of the house” only one time and describe both things you want you will save - five words and the reader will only have to visualize the front of the house once.
Anyway that is my opinion….
You have the start of a story I just think you could bring it out clearer with a less.
I do remember the - The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe - and remember very well reading - The Screwtape Letters. I have heard of the - The Chronicles of Narnia – but have never read them. I thought - The Screwtape Letters was good.
Thank you for an informative article and it did make me Google C.S.Liews and find he also write something called The Space Trilogy and as sci-fi guy that sound interesting
Just some thoughts here… remember it’s all in my opinion…
Your story is interesting but it is hard to read through lots of words - so less is better - if you can say the same thing.
As an example you have…
“Feeling anxious and needing to think, he rose and headed for his favorite room.”
The fact he rose is pretty much implied with the words “headed to his favorite room.” If there was some dramatic reason he “rose” then yes - use that word - but here he is simply going into the next room.
‘He felt anxious and needing to think he headed for his favorite room.’ It is easier to read and says the same thing.
But even more important is the reader is distracted - by having to wait until the next paragraph and clear at the end of the first sentence - to know that his favorite room is the library.
Again if there is some dramatic reason to withhold that information - ok but here I don’t see any. Also anxious and needing to think are kind of different things.
Maybe…
‘Feeling anxious he headed for his library needing to think.’
Now there are only three-fourths as many words from
“Feeling anxious and needing to think, he rose and headed for his favorite room.”
Now I know you want the reader to know that the library is his favorite room. But now that the reader knows he’s in the library it’s easy to explain it’s his favorite room - at the end of the sentence in the next paragraph by saying “….than strolling through his favorite room.”
If you applied that logic throughout your story it would move much faster and the reader could concentrate better on the good story.
I have seen several boy and girl meet when very young and grow up with a friendship stories on this site. And when they grow older it turns into a relationship. Not sure I really understand the appeal of this type of story line.
You write very well and are a good story teller. The tomboy that turns more feminine as they grow older I understand the appeal of a little better.
You have had a lot of reviews with high ratings because you are a good writer with good stories.
But I will say one negative thing - maybe isn’t really important - but I notice it in peoples writing a lot of the time.
An example - you have "This is boring, Sarah," Tom said….”
How often in real life do we use the persons name when we are talking right at them? A child will use a friend’s parents name and where you have that - it sounds natural.
But in real life one child to the other will likely just say “This is boring”
I will point out that I write very poor conversation so don’t feel that I’m trying to “teach” anything. I wish I could write it as well as you. I’m just pointing out what I see and my opinion…
I read your screen play and was going to write a review on that but I’ve found that if I comment directly and honestly on poetry I get these terse replies and I can tell that they are annoyed that I would dare suggest changing a single word or metric in their “baby.”
Don’t know if a screen play would have the same emotional response but I think it might, so I didn’t review it. But in your screenplay I saw the same thing. I felt the characters, that were the peers of the others, used the others characters name too much all through it.
In real life we may do that from time to time to effectively get the other persons attention when making a super strong point - but that is very rare.
That and a couple of other things made me think it didn’t sound like the characters were addressing each other in a natural way.
In a story it’s not as noticeable but in a screen play I think it jumps out at the reader.
Anyway just saying….
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