Hi!
Great chapter! Great characters! I love the way the relationship between Zar and Orion has grown. But anyway, before I go off on a tangent, here are some technical points;
Formatting, Paragraphs, Sentence Structure, and Wording
A quarter of a Quorilaxian year passed since that fateful June day that changed my life and altered the course of the entire Human Race.
You seem to be missing the word ‘had.’ Also, it’s a small ‘h’ and ‘r’ for human race.
A quarter of a Quorilaxian year had passed since that fateful June day that changed my life and altered the course of the entire human race.
For the sake of brevity, and because the less spoken of it, the better, it simply became known to Quorilaxians and Humans alike as “The Day.”
This sentence seems a bit choppy. I would consider restructuring it to make it more easy to follow.
Every time I heard that phrase, I felt scarred all over again.
Remove the comma- it’s splitting the clause.
In the meantime, since The Day, I recovered from the injuries I suffered.
Phrases like “The Day” should always stand out (quote marks, italicized), because it’s a proper name given to a very special and specific even. It’s not literal, and thus the reader should be reminded. Right now it just looks like you’ve improperly capitalized some words in the sentence.
My muscles atrophied throughout my entire body, making me haggard and thin, and as weak and fragile as a small kitten.
I understood this sentence the third time I read it, but at first I thought you were missing some words. You might consider editing it.
Through intensive and extensive physical therapy, I rebuilt my body from what was not much more than scratch.
The phrase “not much more than scratch,” doesn’t make much sense. It’s either “from scratch” or not with that idiom. When you rephrase idioms and slang, most of the time the come off sounding funny.
I hoped the Human Race would follow suit.
”Suite,” (I make this mistake all the time)
I hoped the Human Race would follow suite.
At the moment, I tried to fall asleep.
This sentence is incomplete. It also kinda drops in from no where, looking at what was written before it.
At the moment I was trying to fall asleep.
I came to crave tight, enclosed spaces such as this.
Possibly edit for flow
I had come to crave tight, enclosed spaces such as this.
They gave me a safe and protected feeling, and I felt so much less isolated in such close, cozy quarters.
Possibly edit for flow
They gave me a safe and protected feeling, and I felt much less isolated in the close, cozy quarters.
Although I had some initial fears, Zar convinced me to let her hold me right in front of the beast’s face, giving me a chance to rub my hands along the end of its snout, and the koswok would reciprocate with gentle but sloppy licking from its long tongue.
In the first half of the sentence, it sounds like what Zar did was a one time thing, sor of a introduction. Then, at the end, with the phrase ”the koswok would reciprocate,” it gives the indication that this happened on many occasions. You need to edit this to make it consistent.
My genes would be lost to all future generations of Humanity,
Small ‘h’ for humanity
It turned out the truth hurt me just as much as it hurt Zar: Her father was a member of the Imperial Quorilaxian Militia, and was killed in the war with the Zgo
The colons here should be semicolons. (See "All that Grammar Jazz" , under the topics of “colons” and “semicolons”)
Ironically, by killing me, Drab would destroy exactly what his father fought and died for, even though Drab focused on me as the one responsible for his death and used that as part of his reason to seek vengeance upon me.
This sentence is a run-on, and it’s a bit confusing. I would edit it, dividing the separate idea into separate sentences, and alter a bit of the words chosen.
Ironically, by killing me, Drab would destroy exactly what his father fought and died for. Drab held me responsible for his father’s death, and he used that line of reasoning as justification to seek vengeance on me.
Very seldom did I see Zar’s mother, for she was often gone, working diligently to support her two children on her own, but her feelings about me paralleled those of Zar.
Your writing style is very passive. As my professor would say, “you’re speaking in a passive voice.” It’s very hard to explain, but I’ll rewrite this sentence and hope you can see the difference. Also, I subbed the word “hard” for “diligent,” because I think most single moms work “hard,” as appose to the characteristics of “steady, earnest, and energetic.” Ask any single mom about how “energetic” she is at the end of the day.
I seldom saw Zar’s mother. She was gone most of the time, working hard to support the two children on her own. However, her feelings about me paralleled those of Zar.
With Zar’s father, mother, and brother away, either permanently or temporarily, I was the only person who was there for her much of the time.
Possibly edit for flow?
With her father, mother, and brother all away, either permanently or temporarily, I was the only person who was there for Zar much of the time.
In fact, it seemed as though I was standing in the open ocean, but it was not an ocean of water….
It was an ocean of skulls…Human skulls.
This just seems a bit dragged out to me. Also, that one sentence doesn’t make a very good paragraph.
…a Human…a female.
For every instance, before and after this, where the word ‘human’ is a description, it’s a small ‘h’
Some time passed, and I was almost ready to fall asleep again. Being preoccupied by the current state of affairs, I found it difficult to do so, but I could only do so much stuck in a pitch black box.
I would edit this to make it a bit easier to read and understand. Seems a bit choppy
Once I reached the aperture... Once I was out... Once I pulled her a certain length
Three sentences in a row start with the word “once.”
At that point, I put the girl down, and upon closer inspection of the site I just left, I noticed I escaped some type of aircraft, and it appeared to have skidded along the ground before coming to rest.
I would edit this, placing separate thoughts in separate sentences.
At that point, I put the girl down, and went in for a closer inspection of the site I just left. It was some type of aircraft, and it appeared to have skidded along the ground before coming to rest.
I looked surveyed the world before me in fear.
You need to erase of the of verbs
I surveyed the world before me in fear.
housetrained
house-trained
Speaking of Kalgotha, he momentarily returned
The way this is written it sounds like Kalgotha returned to the room for only a moment, instead of he only left the room for a moment.
Okay, think about it this way: The few animals out here are probably herbivores.
The colon should be a comma here.
“You’re getting to see the entire Universe.”
Small ‘u’ for ‘universe’
Then I noticed something coming over the other side…towards us.
That does it! I’m going to look up and write a article on the proper usage of “…”
Then I noticed something coming over the other side towards us.
dings like two peachy chameleons
The use of the slang “peachy” is awkward here.
We soon stood immediately in front of the door of the humble abode
Though I understand what you’re saying, using the word “immediately” (as in location} directly following the word “soon” (as in time) could be confusing to a reader who’s mind is on cruise-control.
puppies?
Capital ‘P’ for Puppies
When I go back to The City
Unless the name of this city is “The City” it should be a small ‘t’ and a small ‘c’
“You mean I can not keep them?”
Passive voice
“You mean I can’t keep them?”
Having experienced much more than a full day in a very short amount of time, it was not too much longer before I followed suit.
”Suite”
“I’m leaving, Ryan…but I’m leaving without you.”
“Then I guess you’re not leaving,” I told her.
You’re missing the word “not” in Kelly’s sentence.
Storytelling
When was “The Day?” In your description of what happened in the previous chapter, it sounds like Orion’s injuries didn’t happen the same day the human race was destroyed. However, in the sentence ”In the meantime, since The Day, I recovered from the injuries I suffered,” it sounds like both events happened simultaneously.
What scar are you referring to in the following sentence; ” When I saw an enormous scar on my right leg, there was no question as to whom the body belonged.”
like an elevator and bore me up to her face, which was like the visage of a beautiful Venus…
At this time I’m wishing for a reminder of what that “alien” Venus looks like!
::shakes all over:: EWWW… she licked him and he didn’t take a shower? GROSS!
It looked tiny in a Quorilaxian’s hand, but it was still about as large as a pogo stick to me. He or she thrust the needle right into the area of my stomach and released the fluid into my system. .
If someone thrust a pogo stick in my stomach, I’d die.
She was alive, but in a comatose state. Assuming she experienced the same ordeal I did, it would take longer for her body to process the tranquilizer, since she was probably considerably lighter than I was.
The medical condition produced by a tranquilizer isn’t a comma…
The aircraft exploded without notice, engulfed in a huge fireball.
Kinda weird the craft explodes now. How long was it sitting there before it happened. The longer it was, the further you’re asking readers to stretch their imaginations.
HEY! How do Kelly and Orion understand Kalgotha and his mother without the collars? (and the collars are a beautiful idea!)
“I can’t believe I just did that. I’ll live to regret this,” I said prophetically.
Do you really want to give away some of the story by indicating that this statement is a prophecy?
Overall
I’m still enjoying the story very much. I love stories with double means, and I especially love the one I see behind this story!
I love the imagination you have. These aliens that you have are amazing, because they aren’t really that foreign. Good job!
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
Do you have a entire book you need edited? Wondering who in the world could do it on the budget you've got? WE WILL!
Check out " Invalid Item" |
|