One of the best pieces I've read on this site. Seriously, this poem is so good. I like where it begins, with the blast, then goes back to explain how it was a prophecy, then it happening, and the finally the aftermath. And that final line is a cherry on the cake. Great job! I can't think of much in terms of changing. Maybe change the sub-title from "A story poem for the Writer's Cramp." I know you need that for a bit, when it's in the contest, but maybe when it's over you can change it to something more catching. When people are scrolling past dozens of things to read, what makes a person stop and click on it is an eye catching title and sub-title. It can also add to your story in many ways. Great job, again! :)
I really love this simple poem about walking in your Tevas. As a huge fan of Chacos, I understand the love of a pair of outdoor sandals. You can literally use them anywhere, and are so comfortable. I love the flow of your lines-really well done. And the title and description are perfect. There isn't anything I can think of in terms of criticism. Maybe challenge yourself and make a longer version? It's easy to create a perfect little poem that is only seven lines long, because it's only seven lines long. See where it could take you!
A really cool poem! Judas is a name with a lot of background- being that the disciple who betrayed Jesus in the Bible is named Judas- so giving the girl that name was wise. The reader can't help but draw a connection between the girl and the act of betrayal. The only thing that I would say might need some work is adding some punctuation. I know that you might want the style of your poem to not have any punctuation, but I don't think it works here. It has to be read in short, abrupt spurts, line by line, because if you read it in a flowing, one line style you get confused, because sentences run together and what not. The reader should get lost in the poem, not have to constantly stop and figure out why that line doesn't make sense. I really think the only way a style of poetry like this can work is if a story is not being told. But there is a story being told in this poem, so I think punctuation could be useful. For instance, "In an undeterminable amount of distance she stands because of her and all that she has done I am far less of a man the space between us can never again be bridged such transgressions can never hope to be fixed I once lived for her sweetest of kiss..." See? Confusing. But if you add punctuation, it will flow much freer, and the reader won't have to read it in short, abrupt stops. And then when you don't add punctuation in certain spots, it will be different and unexpected and emphasized. For instance, you did a really great job using that technique here-
"She cares nothing for men like us
She cares only for the darkness that gives
Her the life that she has always wished"
In all though, a great poem. Keep up the great work!
It is a great idea for a story! I love how you don't realize at first that the boy and his father are in a concentration camp. You did a great job with diction, too. Some things I think you could work on are transitions. They are a little rough. Like, when you say "I never knew my grandfather, he died before I was born. I found a mouse crawling at my bare feet." Maybe say "One day, I found a mouse..." or "But I could never forget grandpa's favorite motto, 'be kind to animals'. Father says it enough. One day, I found a mouse..." Do you see what I mean? Also, the last sentence switches abruptly to third person, from first person. That is a bit awkward for the reader. I understand it's hard to be in first person after the main character who was speaking is dead, but it is still possible. You could say, "On that day, Shalom stayed at Auschwitz and Papa and I went through the gateway." The reason why it works is because the boy has already been speaking, so no matter if he is a ghost or in heaven speaking now, it would be weird to suddenly care about the matter of him not being able to speak because he is dead. Does that make sense? Great job, though!
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