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1
Review of Shin  Open in new Window.
Review by flamer Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
"Shin" Open in new Window.

The scene you built was consistent and moved evenly. Great description building words used (see “audience” comment). The words used and how structured within your sentences gives it a literary feel to it.

You're words in blue and mine in green


Logic:

performed a couru over the cold floor until she reached a nearby rug then She turned to check the clock on the wall above her bed. then finally She returned to her bed and slumped onto it. – the logic is out of sync.

She got up, braved the iced floor, hopped onto the rug to protect her feet and put on her sandals, checked the time, then returned to bed. Why? That makes no sense. Why would she do the icy-dance across the frozen floor if she were going to head back to bed? Why not simply stay in bed?

Another problem: why were her sandals on the rug, away from her bed, and not by the bed? I’m thinking her floors were probably just as cold when she went to bed – why not step out of her sandals by the bed so she can avoid freezing her feet in the morning?


Fix:

Thally Pi sat up in her bed – it’s not necessary to say “her bed” because we automatically assume it’s her bed. Understandably, that you may be using “her” to indicate her gender – and you’d be right – but, look at the rest of your paragraph. The next sentence declares her gender, which is also a better way in which you introduced her gender. So, in this sentence drop “her”.

The view beyond was of a hazy sky illuminated by the only moon and the dimmer glow of a brown dwarf in distant orbit. - this sentence is awkward the way it’s written. Try: The view beyond was a hazy sky illuminated by the moon and the dimmer glow of a brown dwarf in distant orbit. – removed “of” to make the flow of words better. Since we usually assume that there’s only one moon, not necessary to say “the only”, you’re in a sense repeating yourself. Nice visual.

Thally pulled her blanket around her shoulders and performed a couru over the cold floor until she reached a nearby rug. – depending on who your audience is, the word “couru” may or may not work because it may be difficult to envision the scene. I like the word – rarely used – which makes this sentence unique. If you want to keep it, then may I suggest replacing “cold” with “icy” or “freezing”? You need something a bit more dramatic to describe the temperature of the floor to make using the word “couru” work. By making this change, even if we don’t know what the word is and need a dictionary, the “icy floor” gives us an idea of what couru might mean (because of what we’d do in that situation).

“You are disgusting” said Thally Pi – comma after “disgusting”.


Audience:

Who is you audience going to be? This is important because you have quite a few not commonly used words. That’s not a bad thing, but if these words aren’t within your audience’s vocabulary, all the pretty words will do is distance your reader from the story. They may even stop reading while they look these words up. Or, if they continue to read, they may end up not understanding the information, which later might be necessary. As an example, I’m at the beginning of your story, I’m unaware whether the reader guessing what “balustrade” means will matter in the middle of the story or in the next chapter.

Within the 2nd paragraph you’ve used 3 unusual words: couru, balustrade, wheeled (used to describe a bird). Other words later include: carapace, mandibles, etc.


Liked:

the diffuse light dribbling in over the open balcony – dribbling really gives this a good visual to the scene you’re creating.

He grasped an insect from the air with one sharp claw and raised the struggling creature to his mouth. – nice visual and poor insect.

His clothes were draped sparsely over his frame – loved how “sparsely” was used.

Shin leapt onto the cushion by Thally’s head and opened his mouth to display the half-chewed insect. – this gives a hint to Shin’s personality, nicely done.


Conclusion:

The scene you created was easily visualized, it had a soothing feel to it. The areas needing fixing are very minor. The unusual words used are impressive, but be aware of who your audience is and adjust if needed. I don’t know if you’re going to turn this scene into a story, but pay attention to what version of your character’s name you’ll be using: Thally Pi or Thally. Different situations, different people, etc. would have a bearing on the version of her name used, but be aware of the one you’re using – make sure it’s deliberate.

Very nicely done. Good job.
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Review by flamer Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
This is a very sweet and moving poem. [ I know who to point this out to - so thanks for sharing. ]

The stanzas lines consistent until the end, but even though not in the same format, it flowed as a trailing ending, which made it okay.

The one point I think feels a little off is the middle when it deviates from the rhythm / rhyme.

The first two stanzas you have words the rhyme, but then the next two stanzas are missing that, the the last stanza has the rhyming again.

It's not that I'm saying it's wrong - I'm so not a professor and poems aren't my area - but when you start to build a pattern, you start having expectations that the pattern will continue. When it doesn't, it feels like you hit a bump in the road.

I liked this part because having an ear without hearing results in two people loosing out. I loved the first line, all loved ones want and need to be heard.
There is an ear in the center of our heart.
And an ear, the same, to learn.
Another ear to split our fears,
And an ear in the midst of heard.

This is a very nice line to end you poem with Switch gears and hear now, the answers within the searching.
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Review of Strange Friends  Open in new Window.
Review by flamer Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.0)
It’s a cute scene. It starts off at a slow pace, but speeds up along the way.

I liked this line on a remote spread of desert wasteland

I also like the unexpected twist at the end. Originally, I was thinking the reason he ran inside after Alice was that perhaps he did have a slight mental breakdown and there was a bomb inside his place about to go off. Well, I wasn’t even close…

Now your story – you in blue / me in rose – mostly

The first sentence is awkward because if you remove “between Phoenix and Tucson” it leaves the reader confused as to who or what stopped: Zeb or the car. Zeb heard the car drive up to his place in the Arizona desert, between Phoenix and Tucson, and stop. I think you mean the car stopped. Perhaps write it like this The sound of an engine approaching caught Zeb’s attention, which was odd since he lived alone out in the Arizona desert, between Phoenix and Tucson. No one was within yelling distance of his place, let alone the sounds of car traffic. As he heard the car stop, he got up to investigate.

He got up from the bench, carefully, and went outside in the 110 degree heat. He said hello to Alice as he jogged around the automobile to embrace his brother. If he’s getting up carefully (maybe he’s stiff, old age, injury, etc), I don’t think he’d suddenly be jogging. Maybe after shaking his legs out or something, but there’s no transition, so it doesn’t flow well. Also, the homes I know have the kitchen in the back of the home and the living room at the front where the driveway is. A bench I envision being in the kitchen, while a sofa is in the living room. Now I’m wondering what room Zeb is in when he hears the car. I’m thinking the living room because he got up, is looking out the window, and sees the car – there’s no mention that he walked into another room.

The temperature should be written this way “100-degree”, it gets hyphenated because it’s a single concept, we’re not talking about a 100 items of something.

Earlier he throws a “hello” to Alice acknowledging her presence as he jogs over to embrace his brother. The problem is the following sentence, which comes across like he’s senile because he doesn’t remember welcoming Alice – true not a warm welcome, but he did say “hello”. Zeb turn to welcome Alice but she was not there. “Where did Alice go?” he asked. This needs to be reworded. Either have Zeb completely ignore Alice, which gives a reason for Alice to leave the brothers alone and head into the house without them. Or, as Zeb tosses the “hello” her way to also casually say she’ll like the place, thereby giving her an implied invite, which she takes up by heading in without them since she’s being ignored anyway. By changing this sentence/scene you’re also giving a reason for why Alice didn’t wait for the other two before heading into the house since most people don’t just walk into someone’s home for the first time without that owner.

Jim answered “She went inside.” Comma after “answered” when leading into a dialog. Jim answered, “She went inside.”

You’re in the process of creating drama. It would be stronger to combine both sentences. A small transition is needed because it’s very abrupt with Zeb running to finding Alice on the bench. “Oh my God, no!” Zeb exclaimed. Zeb took off running into the house and found Alice sitting on the bench. Consider this instead “Oh my God, no!” Zeb exclaimed as he took off running into the house after her. Heart pounding, he came to a sudden stop when he found Alice sitting calmly on the bench.

He walked to the door and opened it. The problem with this sentence is that since Zeb’s eyes are downward, as if he’s staring at something and won't take his eyes off of it, I think he’d be walking backwards as he made his way to the door. In addition, because he tore into the house after Alice in a panic, I doubt that he closed the door on the way in – unless it’s a screen door, in which case you need to say that, but also mention it earlier as he walks out of the house to great them. Something along the line of the screen door slamming shut behind him as he left the house to great his brother. Another thing to keep in mind – where is the brother? Do you really think that his brother wouldn’t be hot on his tail after witnessing Zeb’s behavior? Perhaps Zeb needs to tell his brother Jim to step ten feet away from the doorway while he's at it.

Now here’s a point that needs more description – the bench. Looking down at the end of the bench he said “Hector, outside! Go outside Hector!” We shortly will learn what is under the bench, but because of what it is, no one would have sat on the bench having seen what was there. In other words, I view the bench as one you’d see at a park or in your backyard: long wooden seat with legs at either end and empty space under the seat - like an extra long kitchen chair. In this case, what’s under the bench needs to be out of sight for this scene to work. Now describe the bench, a storage bench where you lift the seat up for instance. Of course, if you have this scene take place in the living room with a sofa, it would be easier for you to write.

Don’t forget about the husband. Remember, it’s doubtful that he’d have stayed outside. Zeb looked back at Alice, who had fainted and was lying was on the floor. Perhaps this instead Zeb and Jim looked back at Alice, who had fainted and slid off of the bench on the floor.

Make a few changes and you’ll have a stronger scene.
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Review of Blood Me  Open in new Window.
Review by flamer Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.0)
For ease of writing, I’m going to declare the “I” character a “he”.

Your story has potential, but you need more emotions to engage the reader, you also need more visuals. Other than some well worded sentences, the story is dragging.

What do I mean by dragging? The pace is slow and I know barely nothing about the main character: maybe male, maybe female, don’t know how they got there, watch and gun taken away, best friend is the guy, guy’s girlfriend is there too, he moves around in the cell a lot, filthy floor, and that’s about it. Tell me why I should care about this character. The pace is a calm stroll in the park - wouldn't they be scared or something? Instead they seem like they are taking this very calmly.

It’s not until the 5th paragraph that we find out who he’s in the cell with, but we also don’t know anything about them beyond boyfriend/girlfriend. Is the girlfriend crying? Does that get on his nerves? Is the boyfriend tapping his foot in boredom? What is he doing other than acknowledging their presence in the cell with? Why isn't he huddled with them or planning an escape?

Did they know they were being taken prisoner at the time or were they knocked out? Why did the main character stated that the ugly guards took his watch and gun if he doesn't know how they got there? Or, is he guessing as to what happened to his belongings? In the beginning, he states he doesn’t know how they ended up in the cell, but later talks about the ugly guards, which leads us to conclude he knows how they ended up in the cell. Later into the story we find out that he fought the guards who tossed them into the cell. This needs to be cleaned up to reduce confusion.

While being held in the cell, what is he thinking? I don’t hear him making any plans, which you think he’d do since he fought the guards when they were captured.

Blue is what you wrote / Rose are my suggested changes

You wrote, “I got up and moved to sit in another spot on the filthy concrete floor.” I think perhaps you should consider something along the lines of giving an impression that you haven’t sat down again yet, such as "I got up and moved, searching for another spot on the filthy concrete floor.” The reason for the change is that your sentence later on makes it sound like he’s just now sitting down again, when I thought he already was: “I crossed my legs as I sat down with a plop, and did the same with my arms.” IN addition, if you can barely see, how does he know the floor is filthy – what did he touch on the floor? Was there an odor in the room? Show me, don't tell me.

Which way did he let his head hang, forward, back, to the side staring at the crack in the wall? “Letting my head hang I just stared”.

“About another twenty minutes later. But of course I was just guessing,” how about “It felt like another twenty minutes later, but of course, I was just guessing.” The way you originally wrote it isn’t smooth, you expect something to follow immediately after the word “later” – in other words, the sentence feels incomplete.

“The ugly guards outside had taken” how about describing the ugly guards, make them seem real, let us see what he had seen.

“All concrete, four walls, the floor, and the roof. The only thing that wasn’t, was the thick heavy metal door,” – how do you know that all walls, floor, and ceiling (ceiling, not roof) are made out of concrete? There’s barely any light at the start of your story, only enough to not walk into walls and trip over feet. As you moved around the cell, not once did you mention that he was touching the walls and door. If he can barely see, how did he discover that the walls were concrete and the door was made out of metal – let alone thick heavy metal?

“I was right about the door being heavy, whoever was opening it was having trouble.” If having trouble opening the heavy door, don’t you think there would be noise of some sort? Hinges creaking, bottom of door scraping along the floor, man/woman groaning as they push the door, something? As it is, I don’t hear that door opening and I don’t think your character does either. Plus, if the door is that thick and heavy, how could he have heard the "rattling keys" that woke him up?

“If I still had my gun I could just shoot myself in the head, to help with my complete and utter boredom.” I liked this line – sarcastically funny. You might want to place a couple more well placed ones throughout your story.

The story left you curious, but it was slow getting there. Perhaps adding more details, showing more, will feel like the pace has increased.

Even though you’re writing what I refer to as an “I story”, you need to make us feel what you feel, hear what you hear, see what you see, touch what you touch. “I stories” restrict you in the ability to tell us anything beyond what the character is seeing, feeling, hearing, smelling, touching, thinking. I can read his thoughts, but not others.

You need to go back and fill in the blanks. You need to help us picture what’s going on. Don’t tell us – show us.

Here’s an example of show don't tell -

You wrote –

“How the hell did we end up here?” I mumbled angrily
to myself. I got up and moved to sit in another spot on the filthy
concrete floor. I had already been sitting in that spot for at least
twenty minutes.

The room was dark, although it was still daylight on the
outside; the small slit window high up on the back wall. Only let in
just enough light to see ones way around in the small cramped room.
Which we were now captured in.

Alternate version – just a thought.

“How the hell did we end up here?” I mumbled angrily to myself in the mostly dark room. Wait, that was a stupid question. I know exactly how we ended up here, my bruised knuckles and swollen jaw are proof I know how we got here. It’s why we were taken, imprisoned, that I don’t understand.

Through the tiny slit window high up near the ceiling, I could see that it was still daylight outside by the glow, but barely any of that light reaches into our cramped cell, instead casting everything into shadows and darkness.

Slowly I got up off the hard floor and carefully moved while I ran my hand along the cold rough walls to avoid tripping over legs, searching for another spot on the floor to sit on - preferably one that didn’t include sharp pebbles digging into my butt and gritty particles clinging to my fingers. With everything in shades of gray and blurry outlines, I decided it might be a good thing that I don't know what was sticking to my hands because I’m convinced I squashed something too. Time was hard to tell without a watch, but I’m positive I’d already been sitting in that other spot for twenty minutes, or more, based on my butt going numb. Or, maybe that numbness was from the cold floor and walls that surrounded us like a tomb.

Hope this helps - good luck!
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Review of Closure  Open in new Window.
Review by flamer Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Robert squeezed the hand of the woman next to him lightly, while he waited for their hostess to return. The short blond woman smiled uneasily. [is his hand sweaty? Is he supposed to be edgy or excited while waiting? If edgy – show it? Right now he seems calm which doesn’t create emotional impact – if you make him edgy (hoping for Sandra’s approval) or excited (he’s going to ‘see’ Sandra again), this would help support his statement later that he knows this is the right woman, that he ‘feels’ it. You should start setting up the visual/emotion here for his suppressed excitement or edginess. If you make him edgy, that will work later better because if he already knew Sandra would give her blessing, he wouldn’t be searching for a medium who really could connect to Sandra – he would have believed the first medium they saw who told him what he wanted to hear. This could play into Robert unconscientiously being unsure of Sandra’s response. Also, edgy leaves the sense of the unknown, you don’t know how this will end, which keeps reader interest.]

“Well, this isn’t exactly what I pictured when I think of a medium.” [I’d add: or the places we’ve been to so far. This would then set it up for the conversation that will take place with the medium.]

He took both of her hands, looking into her [gray? - make her more real by giving a touch more descriptioin] eyes. “That is precisely why I’m so excited Christy! No smoke and mirrors. This is going to be the one. I can feel it.”

“I’m sorry,” she apologized, “I had to get the cookies in the oven for my son’s soccer team. Please, sit down, sit down. We’ll get started.” [Logically this isn’t a smooth visual because in the first paragraph you stated they were meeting the medium’s living room. Living rooms have sofas, so it would have been assumed that they were already sitting down. Not to mention would have been rude for the woman to let them into her home and not offer them a seat. To fix this and keep this sentence, I’d suggest in the beginning to show why they were standing and not sitting. Such as standing in front of a fireplace mantel looking at family photos, viewing a wall unit with nick nacks, watching children playing in the front yard, or something else they are looking at / observing that would have them standing up instead of sitting down. In addition, if the woman is baking cookies – wouldn’t we not only smell those cookies and hope for some ourselves, but also her noises coming from the kitchen?]

Her nervousness only added to the authenticity of this experience. Finally, he was going to get answers. [“Her” nervousness? Do you mean the fiancé or the medium? This doesn’t really make sense the way it’s written.]

Robert shrunk as far into the couch cushions as he could, praying no one in Edith’s family was returning soon. [Earlier I mentioned finding a reason why both Robert and Christy weren’t sitting down, this would be a good place to mention seeing children screeching while playing in the street when they arrived and hoping they were loud enough outside not to hear what was going on inside this house.]

“No. MY husband.” [They are yelling at each other – I’d continue to use a ! here]

At this point the two women were leaning into each other, their hands resting on the coffee table.

“Girls, maybe we should calm down. [use a comma not a period]” Robert suggested weakly.

With an unholy screech of anger, Sandra flipped the coffee table to the side. It flipped over their heads, hitting the wall and shattering. Reflexively Robert tackled Christy to the ground, guarding her from any shrapnel [I understand the impact you’re trying to make with this word, but readers will associate this word with metal/bombs/explosions – this situation doesn’t meet that description/criteria. The table won’t splinter on impact either, perhaps a crack in the table or a broken leg. Also, chances are good that coffee table is close, so in order to not get hit in the head and is flying over their heads, Sandra would have had to pick the table up and through it – instead she flipped it to the side. This means it’ll either hit their legs, which is not the impact you want. So Sandra could have flipped that table up and over towards Robert and Christy, generally aiming for their heads since that’s usually what people aim for. In turn, but Robert and Christy ducking they could avoid flying that crashed into the wall unit containing nick nacks (that they were admiring earlier) which are now raining down on them – that would explain why Robert is throwing himself over Christy] ; it was a miracle none of them were hit.

“Did it work…?” She asked weakly, her voice back to normal. “Did you get to speak to your wife--oh my god, what happened in here?” She gasped. [not a period, use a comma] seeing the coffee table remnants scatter throughout the room and Robert and Christy huddled together on the floor.

Edith looked absolutely confused. Christy put a hand on Robert’s arm. “Bobby, I’m so sorry it didn’t work out. Get your coat and we’ll get out of here.” [I’m not sure I “feel” this is right. Christy was arguing with Sandra – not telling the medium to stop the theatrics – therefore she believed in the moment, believed this was Sandra. This sentence gives the impression that either Christy knew nothing about Sandra (yet fought) or is totally insensitive of the altercation between Robert and Sandra. Granted Robert probably, may have, glamorized his relationship with Sandra – that everything was perfect. But he must have told Christy some stuff about Sandra – how smoking changed her voice, surprised that she died of breast cancer and not lung cancer, temper flair ups when diagnosed, etc. I can’t visualize a woman not asking any questions about a previous lover/wife, let alone being okay with being told nothing. In fact, unless Robert dropped ALL of his past friends, they would have told Christy some things about his previous wife at some point. Christy being angry at Sandra would be a better fit – a woman truly in love (as indicated that she’s going along with this hair brained idea of Robert’s) would be pissed that you claim to love your husband but expect him to be lonely and alone for the rest of his life. Angry even over Sandra not caring why he went out of his way to contact her, etc.]

“You’re giving her the money?” Christy exclaimed. “I mean, I want to marry you Robert...But what about finding someone who could actually talk to Sandra?” [Contradictory – Christy fought with Sandra, therefore she had to have believed what occurred; that the medium did connect to Sandra and they were speaking to her. A better response for Christy would be concern over Robert acting like a robot, worried that we won’t marry her, concerned that he’s allowing a spiteful dead woman to ruin his life by making him continue to live in the past, etc.]

“From her? Christy, I got something better! I’ve realized how lucky I was to get out of a marriage with that bitch!” [This is something that friends of Robert’s would have at minimum hinted to Christy – they wouldn’t say anything outright (as in specific stories) because they are his friends, but they would have made comments about her being better for him than that cold bitch.]

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Review by flamer Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
That's a very sweet story and makes one think.

As to the story, for those of that era, they'd know exactly who/what you were writing about. The others would be a little confused. Or a lot. Just a thought, but perhaps making the comment of it being a TV show earlier in your story would have been better.

The "wink" face is cute, but I think showing the 'wink' would be better than the icon. The icon actually pulls you away from the story for a moment. That could just be a personal opinion - mine - so feel free to ignore me.

I was also confused after learning that the narrator was a bull. Why would a human be brining a bull to some town to buy herself a Christmas present? I agree that a regular pet (cat, dog...) wouldn't have made the story as entertaining or brought the story point across as well, but I'm still puzzled over why bring a bull at all. I feel like the story almost doesn't have a beginning - it starts with a beginning, but then it feels like it's been lost.

I loved the line about the cheeseburger and running away fast. Very funny!

Your writing is easy to read, humorous, and cute.
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