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Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/zathura2
Review Requests: OFF
44 Public Reviews Given
44 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
I don't adhere to any set formula. Rather, I just speak my thoughts. I'm not afraid to point out mistakes, but try to stay encouraging.
I'm good at...
Dialogue and inner monologues. Techno-babble.
Favorite Genres
Sci-Fi, Horror, Light Fantasy, Light Romance, Steampunk
Least Favorite Genres
Religion, Slice of Life, Children's, Spiritual, Biography, Non-Fiction, Poetry
Favorite Item Types
Short Story, Flash-Fiction
Least Favorite Item Types
Multi-chapter, Novels (to review), Poetry, Experience
I will not review...
Poetry. Not because I hate it, I'm just not good at critiquing it. :P
Public Reviews
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1
Review by J. Thayne Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Saw your post in the general forums and decided to check out your port, and found this little gem.

As short as it is, it provides some powerful imagery in the form of a conversation, and it actually sounds like something a close friend would say once they're drunk past the point of caring (in other words, the honest truth, with no filter).

This may or may not be an exceptional piece of writing objectively, but as someone who has felt the exact the same thing, it does it's job well. Though, now that I think about it, why would you want to remind us of the people we've wronged by being selfish? ;) I'm just kidding.

Well done. I'm always impressed when I see an emotion put down in a way that makes sense, because true emotion and inner-feelings are the hardest things to get across in writing. They are things you feel, not things you say.

Bravo.
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Review by J. Thayne Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
I decided to take a look at your portfolio, and the title of this one happened to catch my eye. I thoroughly enjoyed every moment of this. The beginning lines sent me for a loop. It took me a moment to realize "chimneys" and "eaves" were not metaphors, but physical parts of the narrator's character. I had an "Aha!" moment, and proceeded to read the rest of the story with what I could only describe as a child-like sense of wonder.

Rare indeed are the tales told from the perspective of inanimate (or in this case, haunted) objects. Honestly, it was a breath of fresh air. Whimsical, humorous, and well-written.

For it's short length, it had a solid beginning and end, even though some would say it's a bit cliche to begin a story with the main character waking up (I've been guilty of that myself, don't worry. :P ).

I noticed a couple small, unobtrusive issues; one of which I may even be mistaken about.

"Usually I prize myself on my patience. I’ve never been fast more than a second.” His face was beginning to shine a little."

I would change "prize" to "pride", as the former makes less sense, and "I pride myself on / for my" is typically how the phrase is said.

"I wondered how much he really knew of his housemates since he had probably always been with Mr. Travis at all times."

With this one, I would simply remove "at all times.", since you've already stated that "he had probably always been with Mr. Travis", or you could say something like, "He had probably been in the constant company of Mr. Travis."

"Then the big finale (I got this idea from a movie I heard about): Penny appears in a picture frame"

I would remove the parentheses, since this is included in dialogue. Perhaps you could use a comma after "finale", followed by, "inspired by a movie I heard about". Also, (and this is what I'm unsure about) I would change the colon to a semi-colon. It just seems to fit better, but I can't give any concrete evidence as to why. XD

At any rate, great job. This was a fun story to read, and I hope to check out some more of your short fiction in future. :)
3
3
Review of Hear Me Cry  Open in new Window.
Review by J. Thayne Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (3.0)
Hello there!

I gave your story a read, and in the interest of providing some useful feedback, I'll not pull my punches. A few lines I've re-written (as -I- would write them, which is by no means the -correct- way) merely as examples for you to think on.

First of all, though, I would remove the "Chapters". Three or four paragraphs is not a chapter. If you feel they need a concrete separation, perhaps you could use "****", which is a commonly accepted mark for "scene-break". Ideally, however, you would segue into these portions with a few lines or a paragraph, or, if it's short enough, italicize it, to denote a flashback or memory.

On to a few technical issues.

"Feeling like the small crab running back and forth, running in circles trying to avoid the next crashing wave or the dog chasing his tail. It is impossible for her to catch a breath. Every time she begins to breath, the breath is taken away by another wave, another bad decision."

I'll break this into two parts. The first sentence runs together, and in my opinion, the imagery is a little backwards, and could be smoothed out like:

""Feeling like a dog chasing it's tail, running in circles, or the small crab skittering back and forth, trying to avoid the next crashing wave."

The second part, which had a bit of unnecessary repetition, could be worded:

""Every time she feels she can begin to breathe, it's snatched away by another wave, another bad decision."

This next began with a simple missing comma, but I ended up adjusting it to my own tastes anyway. It's up to you whether you like it or not.

"Was there ever a time she was truly happy, content or was it always a game, a facade?"

I felt flowed smoother as:

"Was there ever a time she was truly happy? Content, even? Or was it always a game...a facade?"

This line was the third, or maybe fourth, in which the word "help" was used. By this time, the reader is aware that 'help' is the subject being talked about, and further use makes the repetition obvious.

"Calling out and then running from what she needed most, help."

I re-wrote it as:

"Calling out for, and then running from, what she needed most."

This one just struck me as a little clunky:

"Just as easily however, it comes from experience. Sarah experienced more than was left unknown."

I tentatively re-wrote it as:

"[...]it comes from experience, and Sarah had experienced more than most."

And finally...a teeny little spelling mistake:

"the blue eyed boys with their blood hair"

Should be: "blonde" hair.

****

Now, I know all of that was kind of harsh. Just remember...that's one-person's-opinion. It's meant to simply give you something to think about. I'm not the best writer myself, and there are people here that would have a hey-day with my punctuation and word-choice, I'm sure. :P

Overall, I actually liked the piece, which is why I took the time to critique it properly. Most of the issues I took with it were related to 'flow', which is subjective at the best of times, and indefinable at the worst.

I think you have an interesting, realistic character here, and I would like to see you expand on her. I think you could explore a lot of interesting ideas and concepts, using her as a vessel.

If you take issue with anything I've commented on, or want some clarification, don't hesitate to e-mail me. I'll be glad to talk things over.

Write on!

(Also welcome! And I hope you enjoy your stay!) :)
4
4
Review of Slow Burn  Open in new Window.
Review by J. Thayne Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
This is some very powerful stuff, friend, and a matter which (as an avid science-fiction reader) is on my mind more frequently than is perhaps healthy. As you said, it does tend to lead to a kind of depression or sense of hopelessness, in which I indulge more often than I should.

Looking back, even in the recent decades after the moon-landing, I'm utterly disgusted and flabbergasted by the lack of attention and emphasis that's been put into space exploration, even in the most basic senses of, say, mining...never-mind habitation. As a great man said, "We do this not because it is easy, but because it is hard."

Yet NASA is a decrepit, creeping creature, lurching along in it's death-throes, forcing us to look to private enterprise to supply us with the drive and technology to reach out to the stars, and making those bleak, corporate-ruled, mercenary-fueled universes so popular in sci-fi more and more likely, if we survive that long in the first place.

Yet, even that would be better than sitting on our thumbs, bickering amongst ourselves, perhaps not oblivious to, but seemingly uncaring about the stray, wholesale destruction that is even now heading our way.

I applaud you for putting this matter so succinctly.
5
5
Review by J. Thayne Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
This started off very strongly, making me sympathize for the recent widower, now single father of two. By the late middle, it felt very much like King's "Pet Sematary".

As far as plot was concerned, I was a little confused as to why he responded to the information of his wife's missing body by attempting suicide. It seemed, for a moment, that he was going to embark on some errand to attempt to locate her, but instead, seemed to just 'give up'. Within the confines of the story, it was good, don't get me wrong, but I could also see this going in a much different direction.

From a technical standpoint, I found issue with only one thing. The line: "Of course it was. The same way mother went."

I'm a little confused at the "Of course it was." Is he referring to the fact that she had cancer, or was he referring, sarcastically, to the doctors' prognosis? I felt that could have either been made clearer, or worded slightly differently.

All in all, a great piece of flash-fiction, though it could be so much more if you were to lengthen and elaborate on it.

Cheers.
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Review by J. Thayne Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello!

First of all, I'd like to say that I was intrigued by your choice of characters (being part Cherokee myself) :)

Initially this reminded me of something like "Clan of the Cave Bear" in it's setting, but I quickly became confused as to -when- exactly this was happening. Is this an alternate history piece, or a fantasy set in contemporary time?

The reason I ask is because certain things stuck out:

You mention (at least how I read it) that they're on a reservation. (contemporary)

You then mention her instructor shooting a woman outright, because she was a witch. (something that wouldn't happen in modern days)

You also mention small things like homework and lipstick which practically leave me in no doubt that this is a contemporary fantasy piece. Presumably this will become clearer later?

A couple nitpicky things:

You say she had an oak bow. Typically bows were made of Yew, or sometimes Hickory, as well as a few other timbers, but oak is generally too rigid. A simple word-replacement is all that's necessary there, though you could research it a bit if you wanted to go into more detail later.

When you spoke of her eldest cousin (I think it was cousin) who was the Elder's favored granddaughter. You mention she had messed up on the hunt the week before, and at the end of the paragraph, say "That was three days ago." That is unnecessary, since you already stated that it was "last week", and the difference between "three days" and a "week" in such close proximity is a little jarring.

Other than that, and a few minor spelling errors, I'd say you have a good start. I can tell you're trying to set the scene elaborately with description, which you could take even further if you wanted, without detracting from the story, in my opinion.

The last thing I would advise, is to check your formatting. Something seems a little off (at least on my screen), with every other line or so being only a couple words long. I almost thought this was a piece of prose poetry at first, but I'm almost certain you mean it as a narrative, so perhaps something got messed up when you copied the text or file over?

At any rate, I hope you find this review useful. Please don't hesitate to share more of the story. People here are often more than willing to help us newbies refine our writing to bring out the best. :)

Cheers
7
7
Review by J. Thayne Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
I really enjoyed this piece, despite (or perhaps due to) my desire to know more about what caused such a development. No real depth of character is needed, because his depth is that he has none, having become a thoroughly brainwashed slave. I like the somewhat tragic dystopian ending...tragic because he has a chance to run, to do -something-, and chooses, with no outside influence working up on him (collars, guards) to do the same thing he's done every day that he can remember. Well done, for such a short piece.
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Review of Only in Dreams  Open in new Window.
Review by J. Thayne Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
There wasn't anything technically wrong with this piece. Your grammar and spelling were pretty much spot on. The whole story just seemed a little rushed and plain. There was no conflict (aside from some brief trepidation about meeting a stranger), no deep thoughts from the characters. What you've described is something that people wish would happen in real life, but isn't very engaging on paper.

I understand that this was originally written for a contest, and depending on the word-limit, I understand the frustration in being able to write a cohesive and engaging story in such a short form. If you've decided not to enter it, however, it would definitely benefit from being lengthened, with more depth and relatability to the characters. If that were the case, I would definitely give it a higher rating. :)
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Review of The Search  Open in new Window.
Review by J. Thayne Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.0)
Short and sweet. This little story makes it's point of how a single, simple event can change one's perception forever.

The only thing I really took issue with was the language / word-choice. For instance, the line, "We hung out till quite late..."

Saying "hung out" is generally fine in contemporary dialogue, or even in actual speech. When written as a description of the act, however, it loses it's impact and, to me at least, makes me take the text less seriously.

A similar issue came up during the scene with the gardeners. Their dialogue seemed a little forced and unrealistic.

Other than that, there weren't many errors, as such.
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