An interesting and fun read. I enjoyed the way you started the story off being awoken from a dream-gone-nightmare and the descriptive imagery you supplied comparing the rapping at your door with a coffin maker sealing you away forever. A very good analogy to convey the sense of dread that we all feel these days to hearing that knock at the door. Who is it this time? My in-laws? The home owner's association again? Another missionary come to sell me salvation?
The story becomes a little cluttered in the middle with your examples. I think I would've rather read about "this one time..." and experienced more fully a single anecdote from your past about that vacuum cleaner salesman.
The ending was a little strange and confusing when you turned the voice of the story away from speaking to your reader and instead focused on the dog. I think I may have re-written that, but I appreciate the punchline you were going for with yet another person coming to knock on the door.
This is a very tricky topic to write about and I personally don't think you quite pulled it off. Writing about an uneducated race of people can be done, but you need to go about the right way. Having them spontaneously know about the inner workings of their bodies (humans have good lung capacity) and wishing they had "weapons" when none of them knows what a weapon is are fairly large flaws that must be dealt with in a piece like this. You have a good idea here and a discernible story arc which work well for you, but the beginning and end of your story could use a little work with transitioning between ideas. The beginning reads more like a documentary and could use a good action sequence to introduce Thugg, or some sort of hook to get your reader interested. The ending feels unfinished to me, like you were in a hurry to be done or perhaps ran out of ideas.
Keep practicing technique and pay close attention to believability in your story's intended setting.
I enjoyed your piece. Very rich language and thoughtfully put together. It is obvious to the reader that you are in love with the girl whom you write about and that emotion causes a distinct sadness when you are unable to be together. The rhymes were consistent and well chosen up until the final lines of the poem. Why the break in rhythm? Suddenly in the last two lines the focus is abruptly shifted from this girl to the poem you are writing.
The only other thing I could offer you would be to try and write a story using the motif of the painter with a brush. You seem to have captured a single thought or moment within this poem. In my personal opinion, it would be much more fulfilling if the narrator were actively involved in chasing this girl only to be thwarted; Perhaps by her, or perhaps by his own conviction causing conflict from within. Or does he end up with this girl who can "paint the potential" of everyone around her?
Not a bad start to a story, but I am interested in what the main character has to offer. There is no description of who she is or what she might look like. The story has a nice twist, going from friendly to mysterious, but then abruptly ends when the secret lair is revealed to the reader. Did you run out of time when writing? Please, write a longer submission so we have more to share. Think of a great ending to your story and then run with the idea until you get there!
Witch, which, to, too, there, their, where, were, of and off are all frequently mix-and-matched. In addition to several spelling mistakes, this makes it difficult to read your piece. I would encourage you to continue practicing and to take advantage of a spell checking utility in the future.
Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/zebanhai
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.17 seconds at 8:18pm on Oct 04, 2024 via server web1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
