Greetings. I am Dave and I want to thank you for sharing "Monsoon" with me. I hope you find my feedback helpful. :)
My first Impression
A puzzling tale of monsoons and mysteries.
My favorite Part
“Rip-roaring, trembling, spine tingling… Words would seem inadequate when you have to describe the south Indian monsoon! A gentle breeze undergoes a subtle change and chills you in the form of a storm. Clouds dances as its triumph goes on, lightening illuminates and the thunder plays the drum of season... Off late, after a heavy rain, you discover the power of nature, yet after the mind blowing performance!
Wow! What a great opening paragraph and hook!
Here are some suggestions that I have:
Grammar-Spelling-Format
6 Points
1)The prompt was bolded for easy reference and was used appropriately at the end of your story. Well done!
2)The story was presented in the proper format by indenting each paragraph and spacing them. Good job!
3)Clouds dances as its triumph goes on, lightening illuminates and the thunder plays the drum of season...
The clouds are plural, there fore the sentence should be written as:
Clouds dance as their triumph goes on, lightning illuminates and the thunder plays the drum of season...
4)Off late, after a heavy rain, you discover the power of nature, yet after the mind blowing performance!
This sentence could be edited for clarity. Who or what is off late? Wouldn't you discover the power of nature during the heavy rain? A suggested edit:
After such a mind blowing performance, you discover reverence for the power of nature.
5)Sindhu dropped her pen down and leaned on to the bed.
I found it hard to picture what Sindhu was doing in this sentence. Is she already laying on the bed? Maybe, it would be clearer if she leaned away from her journal and rested upon her back on the bed? Also, with the force of gravity being what it is, when she drops the pen we would assume its motion would be downward.
6)The pale green bed sheet was misplaced by her flimsy movement.
I am not sure about the use of flimsy to describe motion. It is usually associated with material not being strong (i.e. flimsy bridge, flimsy shack, etc.)You may want to replace it with slight for clarity.
7)The pillow, on which her hand rested, lied lay on the edge of the bed, resembling a new born baby in fast asleep.
Just a few corrections included in the quote.
8)She wanted to write that the whole country is was waiting for a drop of water to fall from the sky.
The correct tense would be 'was,' not 'is,' in this sentence.
9)She could see no melancholy tears, except few languid faces.
This sentence was slightly confusing. Are melancholy tears a reference to rain? If not, I suggest this edit:
She could not see any melancholy tears upon their languid faces.
10)Sindhu threw the pen on to the table, kept all papers under the bed and got up.
This sentence would imply that the papers were already under the bed by use of the word 'kept', yet she was just reading them. Suggested edit:
Sindhu threw the pen on to the table, gathered the papers, and put them under the bed as she stood.
11)Arranging her red flowery saree and running down in hurry, she couldn’t control a step next to the room door.
The sentence slips into present tense. Suggested edit:
She arranged her red flowery saree and ran toward the voice, but she lost control of her footing near the door.
12)Irksome sound of the door banging took Sathyan’s attention to the first floor.
Suggested edit:
The irksome banging sound of the door drew Sathyan's attention to the first floor.
13)Like any most obedient wife, she walked towards the kitchen, holding one edge of the saree and wiping the little sweat on her forehead.
Suggested edit in quote.
14)Sindhu had no complaints. She believed she’s happy.
These two sentences could be combined:
Sindhu had no complaints, and believed she was happy.
15)Beyond the seventeen windows of their house, she had no scope of defining happiness. It was on the slum street behind that bungalow, she found few happy drunkards. She did not need many reasons to believe that it was the alcohol that made them happy. And she was happy without it, as ever.
I love the first sentence! I can't help but feel that these sentences could be combined:
Beyond the seventeen windows of their house, she had no scope of defining happiness; but on the slum street behind the bungalow, she had found a few happy drunkards. It was the alcohol that made them happy. However, she was happy without it.
16)Considering his busy schedule, she felt he is was compensating for the other days by loving her once in a week.
Just minding the tense.
17)Walls of the bungalow The bungalow's walls resounded each word with an emotional disturbance that grew with the rain.
Suggested edit in quote.
18)On one corner of her smile, she hid her hostility for the entire world; on the other, she expressly revealed her love for the rain.
A semi-colon would do nicely here.
19)Next morning. Sathyan could not believe his fate. People gathered around house and rescue alarm sizzled all over.
This could be rewritten:
Next morning, Sathyan could not believe his fate as people gathered around the house while the rescue alarms sizzled.
20)Pinkish blood still courses on to its edges.
Courses would be present tense. Suggested edit:
Pinkish blood still coated its edges.
21)Sathyan’s hands started shivering. The wind turned wild and snaffled the papers off from his hand.
Suggested edit:
Sathyan's hands shivered as the wind turned wild and snaffled the papers from his hand.
22)I just want to say that I found your descriptions to be refreshing. You have a unique perspective, and while I found some of your word usage a little confusing, I definitely enjoyed your style.
Setting
7 points
You did a good job of capturing the mood of the monsoon. Also, you have set the story in South India. I would have liked to have seen a little more detail in the description of the house. Was it sparsely furnished with bare walls? This would help to let us know the station of Sathyan and Sindhu. What town were they in? Did they have neighbors? Was the house part of a multi-family dwelling or did it stand alone? What did the yard look like? Were there any tree nearby? Just a few questions to help set the setting.
Characters
8 Points
Sindhu- Sathyan's obedient wife. She seems to be coming to terms with her lot in life and is learning that she may not be as happy as she believes.
Sathyan- Sindhu's husband and head of the household. He has a busy schedule, but we are never informed of his profession.
I think that your characters were fairly well developed. I would have liked to see you develop Sindhu's hidden emotions a little more. There were hints that she was not happy with her life, but the reader is left to believe that she refuses to acknowledge this.
Sindhu smiled. On one corner of her smile, she hid her hostility for the entire world. On the other, she expressly revealed her love for the rain.
What is the source for her hostility? Was it her treatment by her husband? I believe that you should develop this more because it would be integral for the reader to surmise the reasons behind her possible suicide in the ending.
Plot
8 Points
The plot moves very quickly from her observing the storms and writing her observations of them in her journal, to her making breakfast for her husband, and then to her untimely death. I liked the idea of the story, but the characters were not developed enough, in my eyes, to support the ending. The reader is left in the dark as to the motivations behind Sindhu's suicide or even if it was really suicide (we are not even certain she is dead.) These unanswered questions do not heighten the reader appreciation for the story, but muddy the understanding of it.
Artistry
9 Points
I really enjoyed the voice with which the author wrote this story. The unique perspective and descriptions really add flavor to it. Well done!
Overall Impression
38 Points
I enjoyed the writer's style and found this to be a great start to what could be a wonderful story, with a little expansion and polish. Thank you for entering it into my contest and I do hope to read more of your work in the future.
I hope to have a chance to read more of your work in the future, Write on!
Please feel free to stop by my portfolio and return the favor by reviewing some of my work. :)
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
|
|