Hello Leif the Lucky  I read the first part of this story in "The Halloween Event"  and then continued with "The Battle of Hadrian's Wall" I'm looking forward to seeing how the story ends.
In a way, she had been praying for a man like Claiborne all her life. This line is distracting but immediately paints Colleen as a kind of wimp, which could be interpreted as a quick way to let the reader know what kind of person she is.
In the America of the unarmed, the man with the gun is King. I like this line and I hate this line. And I hate that I like it.
Did this passengers know they were landing almost 1,000 years in the past? They took off from Britain during the Halloween Event, meaning they were transported almost immediately after leaving the ground. Did they know the whole time they were in the air that they were in another time? Were the radios back in Britain telling them? If so, why didn't they turn back and land safely? If not, why did they have to crash into the Hudson River? I think a chapter/section focused on what the pilots did to safely bring these people down should be recorded. It sounds like terrific stories can be told from that alone.
For energy, they needed food. So they did what they had to do. The grisliness of the situation is very gingerly implied here. I would suggest embracing it. Make a statement out of what these people did: they ate the dead.
Grabowski lost more than a hundred pounds that winter. I recall I made a statement about her weight at the end of the previous part. I see that it's somewhat addressed with the knowledge that she was even larger than 350 pounds to begin with.
After reading what Jack does once he becomes a deity of some kind, the image is stomach turning. And it makes me feel better about my earlier suggestion: state plainly they ate the dead kids.
At that moment, the power went out.
Not just in the Parliament Building, but everywhere in Scotland. I'll suggest a subtle change: At that moment, the power went out. Everywhere.
“ALBA!” a thousand voices shouted, and the corpses of Edinburgh rose from the dead, weapons in hand. This scene is depicted very nicely and makes me smile. See? 
The Scots ran for cover, and a chain rout spread down the line. I do not know what this sentence means and cannot discern it from context.
The introduction of Dougie - Freefall's brother, no less - is a bit peculiar. And he's given a vision to travel to Maine from New Orleans.
He was lying down on a gurney in a large white room, filled with electric light. I like this this man from the past is conscious enough to think of it as "electric light". It also helps remind the reader that we're dealing with two very different societies here.
... and tears sprung from his one intact eye. The word "one intact" doesn't feel like it belongs here. Suggestion: "singular eye" or "lonely eye".
The religious conversation between Gordy and the Norsemen is very fascinating.
Considering what they're doing, when Gordy says “How is it that you learned the language of birds?” I think that is some strong comedy and I like it. Her response is even better and the whole situation engrossed me, fascinated me, and left me chuckling.
The scene between the Blue Man and V.M. ends in a near-assassination - from a character that appears to come from nowhere. The Blue Man segments are the most cryptic and least satisfying this time around. Why can't things with him be more straightforward this late in the game?
Gordy had a disquieting feeling he would never ... pin-cushioned by Indian arrows. I don't like this line. It takes suspense away from what Gordy is going to have to face when he reaches the mountaintop. If ever I doubted that he might win the day on the mountain or not, I now know that he'll survive to come back to the coast.
“I am trying to sleep,” Sarah said. Moments later she was snoring. Why is Sarah so quick to discount the idea of a plane being in the sky? They know planes EXIST. This doesn't speak well to her character.
I like that the road appeared out of nowhere. It makes me wonder if it's happening in other parts of the world, too. What confuses me is Doug's accident in the next scene. Susie is witnessed pressing her head to the asphalt and Doug swerves to avoid hitting her. But the crew didn't see him? Colleen stated that an 18-wheeler could appear out of nowhere, implying danger. When they were in danger, they didn't even see it coming. Is there a logical reason for that, or is it chalked up to the timewound behaving strangely?
And I like the word "timewound".
The Americans of BA 4521 gave them a hero’s welcome... Were they all Americans to begin with? It was a British airline they were flying on. I'd think a percentage of them were from other countries originally.
Grabowski rubbed her horn-rimmed glasses clean on the hem of her dress. After the journey they've been subjected to, I can't even begin to believe that the HEM of her dress is clean enough to even CONSIDER cleaning her glasses. She is walking just like the rest of them. And why is she wearing a dress anyway?
Years later, Gordy would remember ... would die on the mountain. Again, the story is practically told by now. Stop spoiling the end before I get there.
The cafe conversation between V.M. the Younger and V.M. the Elder is a strange means of giving exposition to your reader. Why isn't he just talking to a random stranger? Or someone he's about to torture and kill?
After Doug was introduced so late into this overarching story, I was worried his presence wouldn't have much of an impact on the overall story. I'm glad to see I was wrong: going back and forth between Doug and Gordy in the same region but during different times is rewarding.
Following the battle between Gordy and Pamola, it feels like that is more exposition that's trying to tidy up the story. It could be shortened because none of it really matters too much. Gordy is the main character of this story (as you promised in response to my first review). Ending with an expedition finding Gordy's makeshift family would've been perfect.
Actually ending on the Blue Man's death is meaningless. The Blue Man (Ray) started out with the most descriptively violent passages in "The Halloween Event" . But since then, his character hasn't had any impact on the overarching story. I'd rather he not be in this last arc since I feel like everything that passed between Gordy and the Knights, Grobowski, Dougie, and Pamola was the most impressive. And it could be used to dish out that exposition you want to force feed us.
Something that has impressed me throughout is your grammar: it's terrific. Too many times when someone writes a long, drawn-out adventure, I start pointing out their terrible comma usage and their run-on sentences. They act like that's a minor detail. I greatly appreciated the fact that for all the attention you gave your enormous backstory, you gave equal (or more) attention to minding your P's and Q's.
I've harped on you about your tremendous amount of exposition (and there's a lot), but I can also admire again that a great deal of effort and detail went into this unusual and remarkable tale. I could see the action-packed notions being the bulk of the story, and then an Appendix being published that includes the mundane timeline(s) of events.
In case you didn't catch it, I like a story that not only entertains me but carries a sense of logic. This is a tale of fantasy so too much logic can be a hindrance. I do like explanations, though, and everything surrounding V.M. (Hitler) was too shady. Why is he able to travel freely through time? Who exactly is trying to kill him while also jumping through time? Why does he know anything about Pamola and what needs to be done to reverse the timewound? Just accepting it blindly is unfulfilling.
That's all I have for you. This is a story that shall stick with me for a while. I was even sitting at work today mulling over events that happened in the second part and caught myself thinking That's not from a book you're reading. That's from your new bloke on writing.com! So good job on that front.
Finally, what spurred this story's creation? Is this intended for publication somewhere? Is this part of a larger series of story ideas that revolve around this timewounded Britain?
Until then, thank you again for sharing this with me. And keep on writing!
Than Pence |
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