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20 Public Reviews Given
24 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
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1
Review of Homer  Open in new Window.
Review by Zoe Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi there!
This is a review from Showering Acts of Joy. I hope by reviewing your work I can be of some assistance and even put a smile on your face! *Bigsmile*




Cute story, Sticky. It was well written, easy to read and fun. I think I enjoyed it more because it's such an ordinary thing- a little boy running a muck, being cheeky and worrying about being late home. *Smile*
I'm guessing that the words/items in bold text were words included in a prompt you were given? You made clever use of them, anyway. They fit perfectly with the story and didn't make you skip a beat.
I liked the POV narrative and how you included the touch of thoughts, it made the story a tad more personal.
I was wondering, wouldn't wood pencil shavings and pencil lead do more potentially lethal damage to Billy's eyes? Especially the lead! Ouch..
Grammar, punctuation and spelling, all good! Just a couple of things that caught my eye, keep in mind it's only my opinion you may do as you wish with it.

*Almost without glancing left or right, he ran across the street, ignoring the safety crosswalk, and cut toward the alleyway which ran behind the homes facing the streets on either side.

I think that 'cut' should be 'cutting' it just sounds a little better, though both make sense.

Almost without glancing left or right, he ran across the street, ignoring the safety crosswalk, and cutting toward the alley which ran behind the homes facing the streets on either side.


*“I’m home, mom,” he yelled.

Okay, I see this a lot and always wonder: "If he/she is yelling, shouldn't there be an exclamation mark there?" I know that they are used after an interjection and exclamation, strong feelings etc. But I've always wondered.. So there it is, your choice. :\

That's all for this one, Sticky! I had little to comment on structure wise, you did a great job and I can see you are an exceptional writer. I hope I have helped, even a little. *Bigsmile* Thank you for letting me read and review your work.

Zoe~
Zoe Author IconMail Icon
2
2
Review by Zoe Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Smile~Worldwide  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi there! My name is Zoe and I will be reviewing your work today!
I would like to point out ahead of time that these notes are purely my opinion, and I mean only to help you towards your writing goals.
I hope that by reviewing you, I have helped put a smile on your face! *Bigsmile*



Title:
Different and Cool-Part 2.

Initial Thoughts:
Okay, I am finally back and looking forward to reading this, I enjoyed your first part.
Once again, your set out is nice and neat and easy to read. Readers love that *Smile*
Here it goes!


Thoughts after reading:

I loved it again! You have continued to use great character depth and your spelling, grammer and punctuation are all superb aswell.
I found myself laughing throughout this piece, great humour, especially with the use of your metaphors.
Great work! I found little to comment on, just simple mistakes. *Smile*


Advice of improving your piece:

*The exhaust beat steadily on the boy's legs as the Joltswagon left carpool for the open road.

The exhaust beat steadily on the boy's legs as the Joltswagon left the carpool for the open road.

*It's was bad they were losing; the teacher happened to know a few things about wrestling, judo, and a whole bunch of stuff in between.

It was (too?) bad they were losing; the teacher happened to know a few things about wrestling, judo, and a whole bunch of stuff between.

*"Yeah, when my grandma wins the All Starlight Beauty Pageant"Slick snorted into the cold morning air.

"Yeah, when my grandma wins the All Starlight Beauty Pageant," Slick snorted into the cold morning air.

*"W-what are you doing?" he managed to get out, stiffening up as if braking a bicycle within three inches.

Because Tarah began this paragraph and Andy is next to speak, I think you should start a new line to seperate the two.

*The family: Andy, Aunt Mary, Uncle Noah, and Grandpa Moses, was sitting around the table for their evening meal.

The family: Andy, Aunt Mary, Uncle Noah, and Grandpa Moses, were sitting around the table for their evening meal.

*"What do you mean, Grandpa?" he asked curiously.

This is just the same as earlier, Granpa Moses began and then Andy speaks.




Final thoughts:

Another great read, very enjoyable and easy to follow.
Your writing is great! The story is very appealing and creative.
Thank you for posting again and I hope I have helped *Smile*
Until next time.


Zoe Author IconMail Icon
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3
Review by Zoe Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Smile~Worldwide  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hey Jade,
Firstly I'd like to say welcome to WDC! and congratulations on your first post.

This piece is also quite personal to me, seeings as I was with you through all of your pregnancy and awhile afterwards. I can't speak from experience of course, but I have a huge respect for mothers! *Smile*

Because you are new, I will try not to overwhelm you and I will make this review easier to understand. I tend to go indepth with my reviews, line by line mostly, so don't freak out! I know this is a piece in progress, but I am here to help with my opinion.
The stuff I write in green is my corrections and the stuff I write in blue is my suggestions. Sometimes I even write in pink and that is my personal opinion *Smile*
Okay, here it goes.

* (i) should be (I) easy mistake! and I know this is rough.

*As soon as i seen his little face it was love at first sight.
As soon as I saw his little face, it was love at first sight.
I know you are going to be adding to this as you go, so I will add little notes on what you could elaborate on, this is one. Explain what you felt when you first saw Kaiden.

*From that day I could never imagine my life without him.
From that day, I could never imagine my life without him.

*I believe being a mum brings out the best in most people the joy of watching your child grow up is so exciting.
I believe being a mum can bring out the best in most people. The joy of watching your child grow up is so exciting.
What does it feel like? Why is it so exciting?

*Kaiden is now 20 months old and the most happiest boy ever!
Kaiden is now 20 months old and the happiest boy ever!
I would be too, with a mum like you!

*He makes my day a happy day everyday and still people will judge me for having him at the age of 18.
He makes my day a happy day, everyday. Still, people will judge me for having him at the age of 18.
Who judged you? Why do you think they judged you and what did they say to judge you?

*Who says young mums can't be great mums!
Who says young mums can't be great mums?or even (?!)
Here, would be a great opening to talk about why young mothers are being judged so harshly.

* I wake up everyday and look forward to seeing his smiling little face when he tries to talk and show me things.
I wake up everyday and look forward to seeing his smiling little face, when he tries to talk and show me things.

*I must admit though being a mum is the hardest job in the world but I wouldn't change it for anything.
I must admit though, being a mum is the hardest job in the world, but I wouldn't change it for anything.

*All the sleepless nights the tantrums which he has started to have already (AHHH) but nothing or noone would ever change the way i feel about my little boy who is growing up WAY to fast!
All the sleepless nights, the tantrums, which he has started to have already (AHHH). But, nothing or noone would change the way I feel about my little boy, who is growing up WAY too fast!

*The way he walks around and when he learns something new he thinks he's the best ever and it makes me laugh!
The way he walks around and when he learns something new, he thinks he's the best and it makes me laugh!

Final thoughts:
All in all, this is a touching little account of your feelings about being a mother. I'm so happy I was there to experience it with you! I hope my tips have helped and not overwhelmed you too much. You will learn heaps as you grow with your writing and writing from a personal point like this is a great start. Add to this, whenever you feel the need, whenever you look at Kaiden and think of something *Smile*
It's a beautiful thing, motherhood!
Write on!

Zoe Author IconMail Icon
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Review by Zoe Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Smile~Worldwide  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi there! My name is Zoe and I will be reviewing your work today!
I would like to point out ahead of time that these notes are purely my opinion, and I mean only to help you towards your writing goals.
I hope that by reviewing you, I have helped put a smile on your face! *Bigsmile*



Title: Different and Cool- Part 1.


Initial Thoughts:
At first peek, I love that you supplied a logo and an image at the end. Did you draw that yourself? very cool!
The title 'Different and Cool' is a draw in itself, nice work.
Your set out looks nice and neat *Smile*
Note: Expect some influences from Japanese anime to be prevalent throughout the story, including characters with technicolor hair and elaborate names.
Very nice and it has me interested.
Well, lets see how I go!

Thoughts after reading:
This certainly was Different and Cool. Your character depth in great and well.. different in terms of appearence. Yet, in the same aspect they aren't so different are they? These characters are relevant to your common student cliques. I like that!
This was a great begginning, leaving much to the imagination. Your spelling, grammar and punctuation was great! I found little mistakes.
I was left wanting to read more about poor Andy and his situation with 'Terrible Tarah'.
Your descriptions and metaphors were very good too.
I can see you have put a lot of work into this, you did say this was your baby *Wink*
A very good job *Smile*


Advice of improving your piece:
I couldn't find much at all! Just a couple of typo's below. Well done *Smile*

*Letting out a short breath of exasperation, Mr. Clark then proceeded towards the door. "The paper is due Wednesday, first five minutes of class. There will be no turning in assignments late." Opening said door, he then deftly stepped to his left. "You may go."

Letting out a short breath of exasperation, Mr. Clark then proceeded towards the door. "The paper is due Wednesday, first five minutes of class. There will be no turning in assignments late." Opening the door, he  then deftly stepped to his left. "You may go."

*Andy sighed wearily, and continued to wipe the apple free of any excess dirt that had accumulated

Andy sighed wearily, and continued to wipe the apple free of any excess dirt that it had accumulated.

*The blond haired boy started at bit at the gazes of both Justin and Andy, then scooted away slightly. "Uh, they're for my little sisters?" he tried, making a shrugging motion with his shoulders.

The blond haired boy stared a bit at the gazes of both Justin and Andy, then scooted away slightly. "Uh, they're for my little sisters?" he tried, making a shrugging motion with his shoulders.


Final thoughts:
This was a great read with a touch of humour that topped it off.
Your writing is great in every aspect and this piece appeals to a lot of audiences, young and old.
I look foward to reading more and thank you for allowing me to read and review it.
I hope I have helped, at least a little bit.
Write on!



Zoe Author IconMail Icon
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5
5
Review of Silvermist cove  Open in new Window.
Review by Zoe Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Smile~Worldwide  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
Hi there! My name is Zoe and I will be reviewing your work today!
I would like to point out ahead of time that these notes are purely my opinion, and I mean only to help you towards your writing goals.
I hope that by reviewing you, I have helped put a smile on your face! *Bigsmile*



Title: Silvermist Cove- Chapter 2.


Initial Thoughts:
I'm looking forward to reading this Michelle and thanks for posting more for me *Smile*
I'm guessing because you have posted this as Chapter 2, that you decided to make your last post Chapter 1 instead of a Prologue?
No double spacing! It does look better, although it now looks as though you need some spacing. Also, there is some odd spacing.
I will have a look and let you know.
Let's see how we go.



Thoughts after reading:
I was glad to read more about this, I was wondering what might happen next after reading your last post.
I think this might confuse some readers, because there isn't much story from where your last post left off. You might be adding more?
I sort of wondered myself what had happened in between those 2 years. Also, I'm wondering if you will explain how Brenna and Cole met etc? Doing this earlier will save you from explaining later in your story and confusing readers even more.
I think you could benifit from adding more description to this and making it longer, as it is a very short Chapter.
Perhaps, more info about your new characters? Cole and Brenna too?
There is a lot of places where you will need to end a paragraph, aswells as fixing your odd spacing. (I know that copying from another word program over to this can create that problem).
These are just suggestions.


Advice of improving your piece:
There are a few things I will list here for you to fix up, if you choose to.

*Mid June Two years later
Because this is your intro line, I would suggest starting a new paragraph.

*Cole had never been as happy as he was today. To finally set foot on the cove again his home. The first thing he was going to do, when he could get away from the elders, was go see Brenna.
Cole had never been as happy as he was today, to finally set foot on the Cove again, his home.

*A trip that they went on every year, searching for abandoned wolves in need of a home, while visiting nearby packs.
There is an odd spacing after this sentence, it can be easily fixed though.

*He would’ve been, severely punished for doing that.
You don't need that comma. He would've been severely punished for doing that

*Although they couldn’t stop him from dreaming about her every night and biding his time until he could come back to her.
You will need a comma here though. Although, they couldn't stop him from dreaming about her every night and bidding his time until he could come back to her.

*Arriving back at their human homes, Cole and the elders entered Circe’s home.
Suggest: re-wording this sentence, you have 'home' twice which makes it a little repetative.
Arriving back at their human homes, Cole and the elders entered Circe's house(?).

*The den was long enough in length that they could access it from anyone of the houses above.
any one

*He put his hand on Cole’s shoulder, and gave him a pat. Letting him know it would be over soon enough, and it was about an hour later.
He put his hand on Cole's shoulder, giving him a pat to let him know it would be over soon enough.(end sentence) It was about an hour later.

* “Welcome home son”, Samuel said and gave him a hug.
"Welcome home son,"Samuel said and gave him a hug.
This happened a couple of times, the comma should be before the "

*Cole had actually witnessed her anger once when he watched his stepmother bring a full-grown man to his knees once with just one look.
Suggest: Rephrasing this sentence and adding more detail about his stepmother. How did she bring this man to his knees with one look?

*Luckily, for Cole they weren’t paying attention at the time.
Switch you comma around. Luckily for Cole, they weren't paying attention at the time.

*Samuel sensing his son’s thoughts gently took Lucas from him
Samuel, sensing his son;'s thoughts, gently took Lucas from him.

*“Thank-you”, Cole said, and quietly slipped away.
"Thank-you," Cole said and quietly slipped away.

*Samuel shook his head. “No this is something he needs to find out on his own.” Looking over at Michael, who stood waiting for his command. “Go with him. If I know my son at all, he’ll need you.”
Samuel shook his head. "No, this is something he needs to find out on his own."
Looking over at Micahel, who stood waiting for his command, he said, "Go with him. If I know my son at all, he'll need you."


*Samuel took a deep breath, not sure, if he had gotten away with helping his son or not.
Samuel took a deep breath, not sure if he had gotten away with helping his son or not.

* “Come on”, he said to Bianca as he kissed her forehead. “Let’s go home.”
"Come on," he said to Bianca as he kissed her forehead. “Let’s go home.”

*From that day on Brenna lived everyday to the fullest not only for her, but also for her little girl. And things only got better once she arrived.
From that day on, Brenna lived everyday to the fullest. Not only for her, but also for her little girl. Things only got better once she arrived.

*Laughing Deidre threw out one last thing. “Love you.”
Laughing, Deidre threw out one last thing, "Love you."

* “Love you too”, Brenna said over her shoulder and walked out the door
"Love you too," Brenna said over her shoulder and walked out the door.


Final thoughts:
First of all, thank you for posting more for me.
I think with a little more work, this could be much better. I enjoyed it and will even more so once you figure out the little nuts and bolts of your story.
I hope my advice helps you, feel free to ask any more questions if I havn't covered everything or havn't stated anything clearly enough.
Well done though and I look forward to hearing more from you. *Smile*


Zoe Author IconMail Icon
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6
6
Review by Zoe Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Smile~Worldwide  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi there! My name is Zoe and I will be reviewing your work today!
I would like to point out ahead of time that these notes are purely my opinion, and I mean only to help you towards your writing goals.
I hope that by reviewing you, I have helped put a smile on your face! *Bigsmile*



Title: Come and Gone are Gone.


Initial Thoughts:
This will be the first short story I have reviewed, so wish me luck!
At first look I can see that your sentences are huge! I'm not sure if you have set it out that way intentionally or not, so I will talk about that later in this review.
Remember, this is only my opinion and this is your piece. So it's all upto you.
I like the title a lot, gets the mind wondering.
*Considering there is a *f***ing* in your first sentence, I would reccomend that you make this 18+, again, Up to you.


Thoughts after reading:
Wow! This short story had me hooked from the begginning. It's like nothing I have read before, that's for sure. I wonder where you got such an idea?
At first, I wasn't sure if I would like it and then I started it again and found it way more interesting. It's dark, depressing and daunting and I really like the narrative.
The irony at the end of this was almost commical to me, I had to laugh a little. Poor guy, things never do go as we plan though, or how we want.
A really well done on this!


Advice of improving your piece:
I saw a lot of issues in this, I won't list them all because a lot of it is repeated. This is only my opinion.

*You wrote: Tuesday: (Perhaps have a space after your days?) This coffee ain’t bitter, but it ain’t too good neither, but the odds of me downing another
cup of this bile’s about one in six, and if anything’s gonna get better, well I’ll tell ya one thing, it’s gonna be my lifeless f***ing body laying headfirst in a pool of my own blood because right now this .357 magnum feels heavy, but its clink-clink to the floor’s gonna be bout as silent as a church mouse because revolvers, if I learnt anything, well, they’re damn loud.
(Here, is an example of how you have most of your sentences. They are far too long.)
Suggestion:This coffee ain’t bitter, but it ain’t too good neither. The odds of me downing another cup of this bile’s about one in six. If anything’s gonna get better, well I’ll tell ya one thing, it’s gonna be my lifeless f***ing body laying headfirst in a pool of my own blood. Because right now this .357 magnum feels heavy, but its clink-clink to the floor’s gonna be bout as silent as a church mouse. Revolvers, if I learnt anything, well, they’re damn loud.

*You wrote: And you know what, I wasn’t born with no silver spoon jammed down my throat, but my family wasn’t no scoundreling thieves neither.
Suggest: Perhaps losing the *And*, you start a few sentences off with an And. : You know what?, I wasnt born with no silver spoon jammed down my throat, but my family weren't no scoundreling thieves neither.

*My pop, he was a butcher for years and years and if I learnt one thing from him it was to work hard and keep your mouth shut because if you got a job you’re lucky to have it, and if you don’t that ain’t necessarily your fault either because sometimes there’s jobs and sometimes there’s not. But, he was a good man up till he got a little too drunk and thought it’d be a grand idea to hop a train south.
(This is another sentence that is too long) Suggest:My pop, he was a butcher for years and years. If I learnt one thing from him, it was to work hard and keep your mouth shut. If you got a job you’re lucky to have it, and if you don’t that ain’t necessarily your fault either. Sometimes there's jobs, sometimes there's not. But, he was a good man up till he got a little too drunk and thought it’d be a grand idea to hop a train south.

*And I know one things, and that’s that my family wasn’t no model for sticking together.(And is used again here.)I know one thing, and that's my family wasn't no role model for sticking together.

*That’s why I never married a soul, came close though, but put that to an end right quick; didn’t want to deal with the grief and problems that came along right with it, and to this day that might a been a good idea, might a not, but if there’s one thing not strickening a person with grief then its another and that other ranges from the IRS hounding a man over pocketing a little cash on the side for helping reroof a acquaintance’s house to your health declining into some oblivion
Suggest: This is just another example of your long sentencing. Perhaps just a re-read.

*I flip the chamber open because this’s a game and not no hundred percent verdict on my life—hell, she’s not even a fifty or thirty percent verdict on my life, I’d give it bout seventeen or eighteen percent verdict, but I ain’t that hot at math—and yup, we got five empties and single round sitting here all pretty and glimmery mooning me with its metallic asshole.
Suggest: Re-read sentence and shorten

*Nothing but a click. Well, ain’t that my luck, but I guess you could say that either way it happened. Suggest: end paragraph here. I like this sentence!

*If there’s one piece of advice I can pass on to another single person living out and about on their own, it’s this: buy some yellow, rubber gloves for doing dishes, because you can get that water scalding and there ain’t no way you can feel the heat through them suckers, and once my plate and silverware’s done and back in the drawers and cabinets I take that seat on that rickety old chair, sip my coffee and once again wrap my fingers round handle of my .357, lift her to my temple and squeeze that bad boy.
And again we got a snap of the hammer hitting absolutely nothing. This is one of my favorite sentences, so I think it needs to be fixed up.
If there's one piece of advice I can pass on to another single person out and about on their own, it's this: buy some yellow rubber gloves for doing dishes. You can get that water scalding and there ain’t no way you can feel the heat through them suckers. Once my plate's and silverware’s done and back in the drawers and cabinets, I take that seat on that rickety old chair, sip my coffee and once again wrap my fingers round handle of my .357, lift her to my temple and squeeze that bad boy.

*Mormoms came by later yesterday bout eleven a clock.
Mormons

*I hadn’t really noticed the day, but f*** me if wasn’t beautiful, so what’d I do? Took me a stroll, which I haven’t done in God knows how many years. I think this was meant to be *but f*** me it was beautiful.

*Lady Luck’s laughing at me every day this s*** goes down without a hitch. Love this!

*Connie slides my biscuits and gravy and home fires down the counter right to me and I dig in quick as a cedar bird snatching up a vole to take home to her babies and Jesus Christ if it ain’t good.fires should be fries, I'm guessing.

*Probably a good thing Lady Luck wasn’t smiling on me again because I’d feel awful if old Connie had to clean up that mess of brain and blood left on the dirt-stained ceramic tiles gracing the floor.
Probably a good thing Lady Luck was smiling on me again

*“Ya old fool. I fixed that roof nice and good all them years ago, and I can tell you one thing that’s true as anything, and that’s that ain’t no way am I giving you no money for something I did, quite Frankiely, a good job on.” Frankly I don't think it's meant to be italic, unless the character is taking the piss outta him because his name is Frank perhaps?

*“You know I did just fine, now leave me be for(before) I take your sis back down to the dugout and lay it to her again and embarrass your ass front of the whole town again.”

*You can never trust a person to not stalk in your house in these days and age cause there’s murders out there and rapists and pedophiles just waiting to sneak in your house and kill you in your sleep just because, because people are crazy.
You can never trust a person to not stalk into your house in this day and age. There's murderers out there, rapists and pedophiles just waiting to sneak into your house and kill you in your sleep. Just because people are crazy.

*“Frankie Albers, what’re you doing there, bud.”
"Frankie Albers, what're you doing there, bud?"



Final thoughts:
With those issues out of the way, I think this story could be brilliant. I'm sure I'm not the only one who was surprised to read this, it's not everyday you read about a guy who plays with fate like this.
I really enjoyed this and I thank you for that. I have to admitt that I truly enjoyed the narrative, his outlook on life was unique.
Oh and I do love my morning coffee! *Smile*
Thank you for allowing me the pleasure of reading your work and I hope I have been of some assistance.

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