This is a true story of my life. It is still on going. |
I dont know when it started But so many years ago The reason for me doing it Was because I felt so low. I'm talking about a drug One that controlled my mind It made me feel secure It helped me to unwind. I've always felt so worthless My brain was such a blur Thats when I tried this drug To me it was my cure. I started out with three a day That lasted for awhile But soon my insecurities Built that familiar pile. I went to the doctor quite often To get more, so I wouldn't get low I had to make sure I had plenty So my panic and fear didn't show. I never let them out of my sight I counted them twice a day They were by my side where ever I went They were my life in every which way. I'd wake up in the night My heart began to race I'd tremble inside and out I'd jump up and started to pace. I grabbed my bottle of pills I was shaking from head to toe Opening my lifesaving bottle Was a task I become to know. My mouth would tremble so badly Chewing was the quickest way Hurry up and releive me I'm suffering, to God I would pray. For years I lived in this cycle The panic the shakes the nightmares As long as I had my miracle pills I thought, Who really cares. After so many years of taking them My body just craved all the more I began mixing them with other pills So I wouldn't feel insecure. The mixing of pills proved deadly The hospital I'd always end up I actually died at one time I awoke feeling like a homeless pup. Of course I had to change doctors One who knew nothing of me Back to my miracle bottle I thought-The only way to be. My depression and panic got worse I couldn't understand why I started to hate that small bottle But without it, for sure I would die. I finally found a good doctor I believe he saved me from hell I told him about my symptoms For years I hadn't felt well. He prescribed me some new medication A pill to conquer the beast I no longer suffer with panic or fear I'm still not cured to say the least. I still have a long way to go To be rid of all the pain I,m looking forward to the day When I can actually say I am Sane. PART TWO Well here I am, all messed up again I thought I was well for sure The mixing of pills and drink Ruined my miracle cure. I still don't know why I did it For attention, I guess, who knows? So where do I go from here? A toss up, anything goes. I don't know how long I will last I'm already feeling the pain Feeling the panic and fear I feel I have nothing to gain. I'm scared of what might happen I have so much on my mind I will never truely know me My lifes in a turmoil bind. I made alot of phone calls None that appealed to me They all tell me I need to detox In my mind they really don't see. I know in my heart it wont work I've tried it a few years before I'll walk from the place still in pain Inside, no one has the cure. I don't really like to say this But I feel I will never be right Without my lifesaving pills I know I don't stand a fight. Until someone gets in my head And unscrambles all the turmoil My brain will always feel like Water, about to boil. What I'm actually hoping for Is a person, someone to see My crazy poem, my crazy head And say "Hey, that use to be me." Maybe then I'll feel some hope Someone who hits close to home If I only knew that would happen Then I can finally finish my poem. by, jackie 5-24-02 p.s. I cant get it right. can anyone relate to this? 10-16-06 I need to write about my horrible expierience in the detox..AGAIN. I HATE UNCARING DOCTORS> I love people who care. Aint met a true one yet. Thanks for at least looking jackie |