Eye Love You

One afternoon, things were pretty slow at the office, and we hadn't had any odd situations in a few days, just the usual rashes and burning sensations. I was sitting in the break room enjoying the calm when my buddy Vic came in chuckling.

"What's so funny?" I asked.

"Brian, man, you just missed the funniest thing I've ever seen in my life!" He was as excited as a kid on Christmas morning.

"Funnier than the candy cane lady?" I seriously doubted that his story could top mine about a 63-year-old woman with a candy cane stuck in a very private place. That's about as amusing as it gets.

"Much much funnier," he said. I was intrigued. He could hardly contain his laughter as he told his tale:

"This chick comes in, hot as hell. I'm talkin' smokin'. About 5'7, long blonde hair, legs up to her neck, and tits bigger than your head. Maybe 45, but still doable, and she's wearin' these huge movie star sunglasses even though she's inside. I'm thinkin' she's just tryin' to be sexy, and damn, it's workin'! she comes up to the counter and asks to see a female doctor. When I tell her there's no women on duty today, she starts biting her lip like she's trying to decide if she should stay or leave. Apparently her problem is serious enough that she's willing to see a male doctor. So I give her the paperwork to fill out, and the entire time she's wearing those shades. I put her in the exam room and tell her to undress and put on the gown. I come back to get the preliminary exam done, and she's still wearing those fucking shades! I don't see any harm in her wearing them through the exam, but I"m curious to see what she's hiding. So I ask her to take them off. Holy shit, man, it was fuckin' nasty! Her eye's all swollen and red and there's something kinda oozing from it. I'm prayin' that isn't why she's here, but when I look at her paperwork, that's what it says. I put my gloves on, but I don't want to go near that shit with a hundred gloves on. She sees me hesitate, and she looks like she's about to cry. I can't stand it when women cry, so I start doing the exam. The entire time I'm touchin' it, I'm trying to hold down my breakfast. At first I'm thinkin' it's just a nasty case of pink eye, but then why would she be coming to a sex clinic? As I look closer, I see that' she's got all the symptoms: inflammation, redness, puss. This bitch has gonorrhea of the fuckin' eye!"

I almost spit out my coke when he said that. I only know of of one way to get gonorrhea of the eye, and it certainly isn't something your mother would include in "the talk."

"So what'd you do?" I asked, curious to hear how he'd handled the sticky situation (no pun intended).

"I gave her some antibiotics, bandaged her up, and got her the hell out of my office! She's talking to the nurse right now about how to apply the ointment and not spread the gonorrhea."

Thanks for ruining my lunch," I said as I pushed my chair back. "See ya up front." I tossed my half-eaten sandwich into the trash and headed back to my station at the front desk.

As I was rounding the corner, I saw the tall leggy blonde heading toward the door. Vic hadn't mentioned that she had a hot ass to go with the rest of the package. She pushed the door open and was gone. I'd just sat down at my desk when I saw that the woman had left her brown bag of medication behind. This was my chance to see for myself. I grabbed the bag and ran to the parking lot. She was just backing out of the parking space when I ran up to her window and knocked. Her left eye was bandaged, but when she turned, I saw that her other eye was blue. A very familiar blue.

"Mom?!?"