Hazel

"Love is measureless, love doesn't need a reason, and love, is me and you..." Her words, dripping with sincerity and strong yearn for romance, whispered out of her mouth, liked the wind rustling the leaves of the trees behind her. I stared at her in utmost awe, as her dark amber brown curls overshadowed her dark and mysterious gaze, those deep eyes with such incomprehensible mystery and suspense, with such fragility anyone would be tempted to go up to hug her and comfort her. She had the most confident and dark eyebrows I have ever seen. If you asked me what I loved most about her, it would be the eyes. They say eyes are the windows of the soul, but somehow, these eyes showed nothing to me but a wonderful mystery. However there is some invisible wall around her that prevents me from going near her.

I could not help but stare at her bent head, so full of humility, and I could not prevent my jaw from dropping. So beautiful, so wonderfully-made, so near... and yet so far. I stood frozen on the ground and for the first time, I felt my heart beating so fast I couldn't breathe. And that was the first time I felt that choking feeling that is full of warmth and yet surprise, I was in love.

And they say love at first sight, and at that point of time, I felt that it is so wonderfully true. This girl was new in school, and that was the first time I saw her, reciting from a book of such hidden secrets and things that I do not know what, but I secretly wished that I would be the first to peep into it. Gazing at her was such a lovely dream, however she only seemed liked an angel to me, beautiful yet hard to reach and touch. Her name was Hazel, and it suited her perfectly, as her skin was the colour of hazel, and her eyes were hazel brown, and she was dripping of sweetness like the chocolate made with hazelnuts. Her smile charmed the hell out of me, and mesmerized me terribly.

Every time in school when I walk past her, I always felt my heart skip a beat, and I felt so choked, I couldn't breathe. And yet I see her walking past me so gracefully, but sadly so indifferent to my presence, as if I was just a drop in the ocean. School is definitely the last place I would want to fall in love, because I would never fail to get a glance of her every break time and assembly it is so heartbreaking to find that she doesn't even know my name or what class I was in. But I knew almost everything of her, down to how she adjusts her glasses with her fourth finger instead of her third, and how her smile curls up more to the left of her lips. I don't know if this was infatuation or love, as the experts always taught us, but if this was infatuation, how come my heart stops beating at every glance of her? And why does my heart cry every night when I think of her while I know she's not thinking of me?

Being in love is so torturous for me, especially being in love with Hazel. Hazel is 1 year my junior, and we usually have breaks together, and I would always try to sit 3 tables away from her, with my friends of course, and I would drop a coin or something to stoop down and steal a glance at her. However no matter how many times I had to stoop for her, she never returned my glance.

My friends never realised my crush for her, as I have always hidden these secrets safely to myself, the only person I would pour my heart out would be my best pal in the world, Cindy, who is also my classmate and neighbour. We have been great friends since we were three, as our parents were really close to each other, as well as neighbours since three. She currently has a really loving boyfriend, Gareth, whom I'm close to as well. I'm so glad to have such close friends, people whom I cherish so much, but of course, don't really express it much, as I'm a guy. Who would imagine a guy writing notes to his friends and telling them how much he treasured them? Goodness that would be the surprise of the century.

Back to Hazel, she is also in our school's girl volleyball team and there were rumours that she would be the next captain of the team. Coincidentally Cindy is also in the team and thus I would always ask her about Hazel after every practice, and sometimes it would get on Cindy's nerves and she would shout at me to get a life, but I'm used to it. I'm trying to get a life, by engaging myself in swimming, but somehow Hazel would be in my mind, and ironically she spurs me on the swim faster every relay.

Love is measureless, and love definitely doesn't need a reason. And love is me and Hazel.

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In the corner of the classroom, the table at the end of the last row, right beside the window, was my second home, I sat at my desk, glancing out of the window. Nothing that Mr Johnson was teaching was getting into that pint-sized brain in my head. The only thing I saw was the opening and closing of his mouth while he pointed at the board with some letters and numbers on it. It was going to be dismissal time, and bell was going to ring any time now. So why listen?

Hazel was hovering in my mind again, liked a never-ending song, which I cannot forget the lyrics and tune, just liked how I cannot forget her charming grin and the sense of tranquility around her. Something about her makes me attracted to her, I don't know why, but just the sense of her presence can make my heart beat faster and cause me to choke in my breaths. Love? Maybe. Crush? Definitely.

"Earth to Jon!" Cindy yelled into my right ear, waking me up from my deep thoughts. "School's over you goon!" she blurted loudly and rushed off to find Gareth. We were going to have pizza and movie together. Although I would be the one left out, since Gareth and Cindy are together, I thought that this gathering would really help me get my mind off Hazel for at least 2 hours. That would be a real break for me. Cindy, acting in her wild way whenever she sees Gareth, rushed over to me and gave me a huge hug. I almost suffocated in her strong grip.

"Let's go! I can't wait!" With that she skipped off, slipping her arm into Gareth's and Gareth tumbling after her, glancing back at me with a pathetic grin.

But I know he loves that feeling. That was what attracted Gareth to Cindy, Cindy's open-mindedness and carefree attitude, liked there was nothing to worry about in this world. She feels that tomorrow has enough worries for itself, so why worry? And I totally respect that. While me? I'm constantly worrying about stuff, call me paranoid or whatever, that's me. I can't help worrying about the person I have a liking for, can I?

I followed after Gareth and Cindy, smiling to myself. What a nice couple. If Hazel and I were like that.... I really wonder. As we were reaching the school gate, I saw a familiar figure. That figure.. I'll never forget. The wind blew her brown curls from her face, and she smoothened down her skirt with her dainty hands. It was heart-stopping. I almost dropped the book in my hand but I managed to keep my hands steady. I could feel Cindy staring at me with a sneaky grin.

When I was about to ignore the figure and carry on walking with Cindy and Gareth, I saw the figure turning.. and turning.. to face me. My heart stopped beating that moment. And as I stared at her with my big round blue eyes, she started taking a few steps towards me. Her deep mesmerizing brown eyes captured mine, disillusioning me with their strong passion, and I was frozen on the ground, I can only gasp to catch my breath. And as I watched her coming towards me, I actually edged backwards, more into the school grounds again. Is she actually coming for me? Does she even know me?

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That breathtaking moment. Such a short moment, but yet, I felt as if I had stopped breathing for those ten seconds. It was magical, she made me feel as if there's hope for us, even if it was just a tiny gleam, however, fate had to spoil that moment for me.

My heart dropped, liked a stone into the water, as she walked towards me, and I realised, her focused brown eyes were not glancing into mine, but into someone else's right behind me. I gulped down the pebble in my throat as she stepped past me, ignoring me totally. A gush of wind blew across my face as she walked past me, she was only a millimetre away from me, I could almost brush past her face. And yet again, she seemed so near but still so far. I could just pluck up my courage and grasp her unwary hand, but I just couldn't do it. My heart shattered into pieces, and as if piercing me, I watched her as she walked towards another guy, smiling ever-so-sweetly and I bet the guy would be so mesmerised by her he wouldn't have any words to reply her if she ever spoke. I could only stare at them in secret jealousy, and wish for that moment to come. Soon, if possible. Or else I would have gone crazy by then.

It was such a small glimmer of hope. But sadly it was false hope. I could only bring myself to give a weak smile as Hazel slipped her hand into the guy's hand, and I noticed their fingers were intertwined, as if they were one. No words could express this deep agony within me. I even had to step back to give way to this not-supposed-to-be couple as they walked out of the school together, as if there were nobody else in the world except the two of them. My stomach suddenly felt queer, I couldn't stand the sight of both of them together. I could not believe Hazel actually had a boyfriend, I could not bring myself to believe that painful truth that had revealed right in front of my eyes, moreover less than ten centimetres away.

"Who's that guy?" I heard Cindy ask Gareth, and felt her eyes on me, and I know that she's really worried for me. Ok Jon, imagine that this is all a dream. Just a dream. I tried to assure myself. I know that assuring doesn't make things fake or real, but at least it makes me feel a little better.

"Come on, are we still watching that movie you were so excited to see?" I asked Cindy and Gareth, trying to ignore the piercing and excruciating pain that I'm feeling on the left side of my chest. Cindy glanced at me with that worried frown on her forehead, but immediately that frown straightened and she grinned cheekily.

"Of course we are!" she exclaimed as if nothing just happened and gripped my arm, doing the same to Gareth, and pulled us out of the school.

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The movie played on. My mind was a total blank. Why do I feel so empty now? My heart ached so much I could not express the pain, I had no appetite for the nachos and cheese that Cindy was busy munching on. The whole cinema burst into peals of laughter, popcorn were thrown all over the place whenever a funny part came up, but I just sat in my seat, totally emotionless and expressionless. I could not get over what I had just witnessed. She was like a precious jewel, stolen from me, and I could not do anything about it. My arms were limp by my side, I loved you for so long, and yet, you had to do this to me, you know how much this pained me? I thought to myself, I could feel my cheeks blushing from the intense regret I was feeling. I should have approached her earlier.. At least I would then know what her answer will be.. Instead of waiting so long, and now this had to happen.

The darkness of the theatre hid my tears and flushed cheeks, as I weeped in silence, in my heart. The tears flowed in the heart liked the highest waterfall, the impact so strong and hard, but the tears never stop flowing. I suddenly felt so isolated, alone, not a hint of care, absorbed in my own perfect solitude. Thinking of Hazel was too much for me.

I glanced up at the huge screen in front of me. The couple were kissing passionately. It was just another love comedy. I quickly glanced down. I simply could not stand seeing any more couples.

At the corner of my eye, I peeped to see Gareth putting his arm over Cindy and pulling her closer to him. Cindy appeared shocked, but gradually she gave a little smile and snuggled closer to Gareth. I was really happy for them, really glad that my best friend had finally found someone she truly loved. But, what about me? Wallowing in this deep sense of regret and desolation.

Suddenly I felt liked eating. I grabbed hold of the box of popcorn on the holder beside me and started munching on a few. Then I felt so frustrated I just grabbed a full handful of it and stuffed all of it into my mouth, not caring if any had fell onto my shirt. I gobbled a whole mouthful down, gulping the whole chunk down with a swip of coke. Nobody seemed to notice my tears pouring down my cheeks as I kept stuffing the popcorn into my mouth. Handful after handful, I only concentrated on eating, I didn't care about the loving couple beside me, moreover the passionate couple in front of me, I just know I had to keep eating or else I'll seriously break down. I continued stuffing popcorn into my mouth even when it was full, and when it was I just sucked in another big gulp of coke to swallow it down.

When the couple in the screen finally stopped kissing, my emotions got the better of me and I choked violently, coughing out all the popcorn I had in my mouth, I felt so terrible, I couldn't stand the atmosphere in the theatre anymore. I stood up noisily, threw the empty popcorn box onto the floor and ran out of the theatre, trying to wipe my tears from my face before anyone saw.

Images flashed past me as I sprinted out of the theatre and I kept running, I didn't want to stop at all. I wanted to escape reality, but somehow I couldn't run out of it, I ran as though I didn't have any care for the world, holding on to no one, running as freely as I could, running as far as my legs could take me, I just ran.

Someone I am, is waiting for my courage.
These words ran through my head, as I ran along the streets, passing by building after building. I don't know where I'm running to, but I know I must keep running.
The one I want will catch me. So let me go, if I must go.
I reached the park, panting heavily. I saw a bench and stumbled onto it, almost tripping over my foot but I managed to sit on the bench. Sniffing, I bent over to tie my shoelaces. They have come off while I was running for my life. No words could ever express how I was feeling. I was exasperated, angry with life. So cruel, so painful to me. When I was about to tie the other shoe, a shadow hovered over me. I slowly lifted my head to see who it was, and there stood Cindy.

Her hair was in a mess, bangs across her face, and most of it was out of her ponytail. Her face was really flushed, probably from chasing after me. Her shirt was tucked out of her skirt, and her shoelaces were also loose. Sweat tickled down the side of her sharp face, and she was giving me this really weird look that I could not explain. Finally our eyes met, and she was staring into my eyes. She then gave a little smile, and she edged closer to me. I was stuck to my seat, what is Cindy doing? She came closer to my face, and held my face with her two warm hands. I was too shocked to move, and was motionless. She moved so close to my face until I could even feel her breath on my face. And suddenly she threw her arms around me and gave me one of her usual tight suffocating hugs.

"You worried me half to death!" she exclaimed, hugging me tighter to herself. I was so comforted by her hug that I awkwardly put my arms around her too. It was nice, and funny how "nice" was a good word to put it, to have your best friend by your side and even when everything seemed to go wrong, a best friend's hug can always put everything right.

"Don't ever do that again Jon," Cindy whispered into my ear and I grinned to myself. "Yes ma'am," I replied and I finally realised how much a best friend could mean to me in these troubled times.

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The sky was growing darker, and all of a sudden the wind started howling. It's at this time of Autumn, when it starts to get really windy and the leaves on the trees turn red and yellow, the colours of royalty. But soon after they all wither and fall off, signaling the coming of winter.

"C'mon it's going to rain, let's make our way home," Cindy commented. "And let's find Gareth, he must be worried sick about you too." Cindy hurried me and I smiled sheepishly. Maybe it was a stupid idea to run out of the theatre and make everyone worry about me. Oh well what's done been done. I dragged my soles after Cindy, back to the theatre where emotions took over me. Gareth was sitting on a bench outside the theatre, hunched over and he was fiddling with his fingers. He always does that whenever he was nervous or deep in thought. And as if he sensed that we have come back, he looked up and the frown on his face immediately ceased.

"Jon! Cindy!" He exclaimed and ran over to us. He stared at my face, as if scanning for traces of tear stain. His frown returned. "Have you been crying?" he asked curiously, raising an eyebrow.

"Me? Crying?" I gave them a bewildered look. "Of course not!" I laughed feebly, trying to hide the truth. "Men don't cry.."

"Yeah.. but you're a boy," Cindy pointed out, and burst into peals of laughter when she saw my I'm-going-to-strangle-you expression. "Joking, Jon, joking." I just gave her weak smile as I tried to avoid Gareth's gaze. I could feel his suspicion and doubt about me claiming that I didn't cry, but I disguised it with a huge grin.

"Let's go home before it starts raining!" However sure enough, just when I said that, raindrops started falling down and the hot and dry faded ground became speckled with dark little blots of rain. Cindy yelped in excitement. I really cannot understand how Cindy thinks. She treats every problem as a game, and not just a game, but a fun game.

"Let's race home! Last one will treat the rest to chocolate fudge and ice-cream!" she shouted and we all yelled and started running wildly. We pushed each other away as we try to overtake one another and I glanced over at Gareth and Cindy when we stopped and they were splashing each other by stomping on puddles. The elated smile completely lit up Gareth's face, his love for Cindy was so evident, I never saw his eyes leave Cindy's face. Cindy was behaving liked a small kid, and I remembered we also played in the rain before when we were young. She looked the same as before, stamping her feet one at a time, left, right, left, right, instead of stomping both her feet together in the puddle. I couldn't help but laugh at the amusing sight.

"I guess the bet's off?" I asked, but my voice was overshadowed by their thrilled and hysteric screams as they tried to avoid each other's splash attacks. I then decided to go home myself, and walked away from them, the rain drenching my clothes and my wet blonde hair stuck to my face and head as I dragged my sodden converse shoes. I felt the rain reduce to a drizzle, and I could feel each raindrop fall on my skin. I made my way home, and I would always take the shortcut, which is a stone pathway which weaved between small clumps of trees. It was considered a nice small park, there were many benches, and a drinking fountain. It was a nice place to sit and reflect on your day. As I walked along the path, I glanced up at the trees, almost barren, the remaining leaves soaked wet, and water droplets fall from the leaves when a gush of wind blows through the tree. The droplets fell on my face, and I used the back of my hand to brush the droplets away. And as I did that, I saw her.

Hazel. She was sitting on one of the benches along the pathway. She was crouched over, her head on her knees and her hands clasped around them too, and I noticed her shoulders were shaking vigorously. I hesitated. Should I go near to her? Or should I just take another path home? I was befuddled, but before I could make any decision, she abruptly raised up her head, and turned her gaze on me. That apparently took me by surprise, and I felt my eyes widened as I realised that she was only looking at me. Nobody else, but me.

The seconds felt liked hours. I was stunned, unable to move. I felt liked a complete idiot. On Hazel's unblemished face, I noticed shiny blots on her blushed cheeks. Are they tears? I shook my head. Get a hold on yourself, Jon. Finally I cleared my voice, and tried to walk on as if nothing had happened. However I felt as if my heart was crying out to me to comfort her, to wipe away the angel's tears. My legs suddenly felt so heavy, it was so difficult to take steps towards her, moreover past her. She still fixed her focused gaze on me, as if I was someone she knew long ago. Heart pumping rapidly as usual, I was almost going to break down anytime in front of her.

"You look very familiar."

The first four words she ever said to me. Or at least the first words that she meant for me. I immediately stopped in my tracks. Slowly and gradually, I turned my head towards her, looking at her straight in the eyes. Her eyes were the most beautiful things I have ever seen, they seemed to reach into my innermost thoughts, seemed to reach into my heart and grasp my whole.

"Ye-es. I.. I believe we come from the same.. erm.. school."

My words came out in stutters. Damn. What a first impression. Her gaze never left me. As I stared at her, I realised a tear was actually forming in her right eye, but she did not raise her hand to brush it away. I was so tempted to help her do so, but I carefully controlled my emotions.

"Can we talk?"

She asked, her voice coming out so sweetly, soft yet so gentle and fragile. I was totally captivated. She patted the space beside her with her delicate hand.

I nodded. "Erm.. Sure." I went over to her bench, and clumsily took a seat beside her. I made sure I wasn't so close to her, or else she would misunderstand. She gave me her usual charming and virtous smile, full of innocence and purity.

And that was the first moment Hazel and I ever met, officially, and even shared a conversation. Right under the autumn tree, and on the same wooden carved bench. And as a breeze of wind blew, the red and golden yellow leaves fell over us, as if we were in a whole secret world of our own, so magical and so surreal.

That was my autumn.

------

That day, I found out Hazel was dumped by the guy whom I saw walking out of the school doors with her. The same guy who held her hand as if they were one made for eternity. The exact same guy who heightened my emotions in the theatre. But now, it seemed he was the one who shattered the glasslike heart of the weeping angel beside me.

After Hazel poured the sad yet ironically good news out to me, we sat beside each other in silence. She had stopped sobbing, but I could hear soft sniffles, and as I took a quick glance at her face, a tear dripped down her pale cheeks. Before I knew it, and before I could contemplate with my timid and hesitating inner self, I whipped out a tissue and was wiping the tear off her chin.

I felt her jerk in surprise at my touch, but was silently exuberant when she didn't push my hand away. I hurriedly wiped her wet chin dry and folded the tissue before stuffing it into my jean pocket. I felt her eyes staring intensely at me again. I felt as if we knew each other right from the start, as if I was her confidant, and her best friend.

"Why are you so nice to me? You don't even know me," she whispered.

Oh you don't know how much I know about you... I thought to myself.

"I'm just doing my duty of a gentleman," I grinned at her. For such a wonderful and beautiful lady like you. Her lips immediately curled up to the left, to form a little smile. I couldn't help but smile to myself. I actually made her smile.

"What's your name, gentleman?"

My heart skipped a beat. What's my name? I almost forgot.

"Jon."

"Pleasure to meet you Mr. Jon. My name's Hazel," she introduced herself to me, it felt so wrong, as if I had not even known her name. We shook hands. I felt her warm and soft hand against my palm, and if I could express how I felt at that moment, I would be screaming in joy, jumping through the ceiling, knocking myself against the tree and doing anything that could express the ball of ecstasy that had exploded inside of me.

"Oops, look at the time! I have to get home for dinner. It's been wonderful meeting you," she exclaimed and she gave me her enthralling smiles. I can never get used to her smiles, really, they knock my socks off. She gave me a gesture of goodbye by waving her fingers at me, and rushed off, fumbling clumsily with her bag which made her look even cuter, and appearing to be in great hurry. I watched her silhouette diminish until it turned around the corner of a building. I finally could relax and I thumped my back against the back of the bench as I eased into the bench.

What an exhilarating experience. I choked into soft laughter as I thought of Hazel and sighed. At the corner of my eye, I noticed something moving between the clump of bushes diagonally right across me. I was about to check it out when the bushes stopped moving and I realised the person had run away from the bush. I stood up, and to my astonishment, I saw Cindy walking quickly away from the park, careening through the tree barks, as if she was walking away from reality or from what she had just witnessed. I was bemused.

Why didn't she want to talk to me or at least ask me about what she had seen? If she had really seen me and Hazel having a conversation together, and being the curious Cindy she is, why didn't she want to know what happened between us? This is definitely not like her.

I watched again as she disappeared through the trees, and it is amusing, how I always watch girls walking away and disappearing from me. Again and again.

Pushing away these thoughts, I reached into my pocket and felt the moist tissue, stained by a seraph's tears. I smiled instinctively.

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