the misuderstandings of Joseph

When you loose someone you love, it is hard to cope. It’s always the after thoughts you have of a person, kind of like the old saying “you never know what you have until its gone.” well that is certainly true in my case. My long time boyfriend of five years dumped me, well sort of. You see the other week we were having an argument, he was saying how much of a crummy girlfriend I was, and I was defending myself by saying how loyal I was to him. Although we did cheat on each other was totally beside the point in my mind, but he always had to go there; beyond the fields is what I say. So, we have this argument and then we make up by watching movies and hanging out together, mind you, this argument lasted for hours so I just gave up. Well he did. See, I have this problem with taking criticism in anyway shape or form. Men of course are the worst type to get it from since they will not hesitate to tell a woman what they do not like about them. So as Joseph was rolling on about how horrible I was, I ran from the room. Yes I know it was cowardly, but I didn’t know what to do. I felt to guilty, so pressured, and so ashamed of myself. I had to breath, I had to get out of there. I stood outside his door and turned away from him. I closed my eyes and let the salty tears roll down my cheeks. I turned to Joseph, he was looking straight at me. I could practically feel the heat coming from his face, even though he was not red. He just had this look of anger in his eyes, and some disappointment too. I took my backpack from his room and ran upstairs. I was ready to make a run for it out the front door when I thought to myself, “Joseph would never do this to me, so why am I doing it?” I wanted to go back downstairs and apologize, but I had already caused enough damage and I couldn’t change it. He may have just shot me down.
I pretended not to notice him when he came upstairs, I was zipping up my backpack and petted his dog tipper. I felt horrible, I didn’t want to look into his eyes in fear of what I might see. You can tell a lot about a persons feelings just by looking into their eyes. it’s almost like looking deep into their soul. I wished I could turn back time and change all the bad things I’ve done in my life. Then I could be the girl he loved, the girl he wanted, the girl he truly knew. Not the cheating, lying, bitch who used to love. It tore me apart inside to see how slowly and rapidly I was tearing him apart and he never showed a sign of it. He just took it and lived on. I knew what I was doing, I knew that I was hurting him even though I didn’t mean to. I didn’t know what to do and I wanted to just take him in my arms and hold him, just hold him close and take all the pain that I had caused away. God help me heal him I prayed. Help me to stop the pain. Help me to be a better girlfriend for Joseph. He sat down in that chair behind me and just stared at me. “do you want to go home?” Joseph asked. I stood beside my backpack and thought to myself. I didn’t want to go home, but I didn’t want to stay and hurt him. I held back my tears as long as I could. I pretended their was something in my eye so leaned down turning away from him so I could whip my tiny tears away. He’ll never know how much it was killing me inside to know what I was doing to him. He’ll never know what I really wanted to say because every time I try to tell him something. It never comes out the way I wanted it to.
I went over to Joseph so he wouldn’t get up. I sat on his lap and fought my tears of pain. God how I tried. But the thoughts in my head, lord the thoughts! “you’re a whore. Look what you’ve done to him! You pill popper, shameful gluten.” there was so much more. All these things were brining him down and it was slowly killing him inside.
Ounce that first stream of tears came down my sugar brown cheeks, there was no stopping them. I cried harder and harder, I wanted to stop but I couldn’t. “God help me please, God save Joseph.” I prayed. I wanted to be perfect for him, I wanted to take all his pain away, I wanted only him because nothing else mattered. Joseph held me so tight in his arms. I could feel his heart beating, it was beating so fast. I knew he how much he really loved me, how much he really wanted to be with me. I couldn’t speak because it hurt so much to even try. I wanted to say, Jon please forgive me, please stay with me and I’ll always be true. But why would he belive me, after all I’ve done he had no reason to and I had no right to ask that of him. Oh to feel his heart, I could never imagine the pain he was going through. Not one little pinch could I understand. All he wanted to do was tell me how he felt, and how much I hurt him. But all I could do was ignore him and run away. I’m selfish I know. All he wanted was to be happy and love me, but how can he with the way I treat him?
So after all the tears and voices in my head, we go get something to eat. We watch movies, talk, and have a good time. Things were going as they should have been in the first place. If it were not for my mouth and wanting so much of him, I would never be in so much trouble. I suppose I depend too much on Joseph. I love him more than words can say and only God can know how I feel in my heart, but how am I to get him to take me back? How am I to show that I do love him.

That following week I had not really talked to Joseph much and I was feeling really crummy. One night while I was sleeping I had this odd dream about Joseph being at my house. After he left there was a girl waiting outside for him, and then he took her hand and they walked off together. While I was sleeping I felt a sharp pain in my heart and I heard myself calling out his name. I woke up with that pain still in my heart. I quickly got up and called him at work. I wanted to be sure everything was ok. Luckily he had just gotten out of work. Joseph said everything was fine and I was relived, but I still did not feel satisfied. I knew there was something wrong in this picture. But I went back to bed and ignored it. I awoke a couple hours later and got ready for school. I called Joseph to talk as always. He had been acting so strange and distancing himself from me. In my mind I knew why “he wanted to dump me” but my heart didn’t want to believe it so I ignored it thinking I was just being paranoid. So my hours of class pass by and still I felt unsettled and I thought more of what was going on with Joseph and why he was acting the way he was. So I called him as I usually do after class and tried to be as perky as possible. But I didn’t want to beat around the bush.
“What’s wrong Joseph, why are you acting this way?” I asked.
“I’ll tell you later.” Joseph replied.
I knew what that meant, plus the tone of his voice said it all. I could tell whether he was sick, happy or sad, or whatever by the tone of his voice. Sometimes I was wrong, but I was definitely red hot with this one. I had to think so I said I’d call him back.
“I’ll call you later. I love you.” I said.
“Ok, bye.” Joseph replied.
More and more I knew I was right because if something was not wrong he would have said I love you too. I was right on the ball. I was not happy to know what was going on but at least I was not clueless. I sent a text message that said “were you or are you thinking of leaving me?” I prayed to God that he just had a really shitty day at work and it was just my imagination going away with me. I called him not long after I sent him the message.
“Hi.” I said.
“Hi.” Joseph replied. His tone was vague and sad.
“So, did you get my message?”
“Yes.”
“Which one?”
I didn’t want to say it aloud so I wanted him to read it to me, I thought it would sound less painful if he had read it. Maybe he would just laugh after he read it and made some crazy Bugs bunny voice and say no. but that was not the case today, how I wish it had been.
He read me the message.
“Were you or are you thinking of leaving me?” Joseph read aloud.
I pondered weather I wanted to know, ok I did, but I did not want to hear the answer I feared. But I had to get the guts to ask.
“So, were you?” I asked.
He sat there for a minute. I thought was going to suffocate it felt hours before he answered. It was like time just slowed down.
“Yes.” he answered.
My heart just toppled down. What was I to say, what was I to do? I didn’t know. So I just hung up with him.

When I got home the first thing I did was lay on my bed and cry. I held my pillow so tight, kind of how Joseph held me in his arms, how I wish I was still in his arms right now holding and kissing him. I asked God why was this happening, why am I so disturbed, why do I treat him the way I do. I could feel the life being sucked out of me. All the sudden I remembered his smile and his beautiful green eyes. I love his eyes. I screwed up…I screwed up big time. I wish I could say to him right now, "look at me and say you love me. Hold me in your arms and kiss me so sweetly. Please stay with me. I’ll sacrifice the world just to be with you". I would go to hell and back for that boy. If he only knew how much I love him, how much I need him, and how much he truly is a part of me. God I love him.