Final and Irrevocable Surrender

January 18, 2005

So, today is my first day back in school since the seventh. I had an 11-day weekend. Only me, no one else. The reason? As of 6:09 am on Sunday, January 9, 2005, I am a mother and will be for the rest of my life... I have a son.

Before you get all excited and start congratulating me, let me tell you some things. I didn't do what was best for my son during my pregnancy. I didn't have any prenatal care and I probably did some things that could have harmed him although I cannot recall what I did. I wasn't due until January 26, my son was born three weeks premature. I also didn't do what was best for myself during my pregnancy. I put both of us at risk and I deeply regret it.

Because of my irresponsibility I developed something called PIH- Pregnancy Induced Hypertension. It causes high blood pressure, swelling in the feet and hands and a few other things. It could have also caused me to go into seizures either before I gave birth, which would greatly harm the baby or during labor, which could greatly harm me.

Partly because I didn't do right by him while I was pregnant, and partly because I want the world for my son, I was determined to do what was right and best for him after he was born. On Wednesday, January 12, 2005, I signed a thing called "Final and Irrevocable Surrender for Adoption"... handing all my rights over to Family Resource Center, who had placed my son with a family outside of Chicago that I had chosen myself.

I'm back in school today, after denying that I was pregnant to everyone for eight months. They could all tell and the rumors helped to assure everyone that I was. I didn't show hardly at all and so everyone was surprised that I was as far along as I was. I feel like everyone was told not to say anything to me. I've heard the whispers in the hall (mostly from the same stupid cheerleader who hates my guts) but no one has really said anything to me except to ask how I am and how I feel. One girl did, however, ask my son's name. And I told her.

Thankfully, Michael, the baby's father, hasn't gotten a lot of flack from anyone either. I think we both lucked out. No, I am not with Michael now or anything. And all of this happened before Tim. Which kind of caused a problem...

When Tim I started dating, I was just figuring out that I was pregnant myself. And I was about three months along at that point. I had of course realized it before he left for boot camp, but I wasn't going to tell him that then, so I waited.

I could never imagine telling him something this big in a letter that he would receive while in boot. So I waited again. When we began talking again after he graduated I was so happy to talk to him and hear his voice that my pregnancy was the farthest thing from my mind. And when I did think about it just wasn't the right time to tell him... again I waited.

He came home for Christmas on the 17th and this isn't the kind of thing that you spring on someone their first day home. I waited and before I knew it was Christmas, then New Year's and as quickly as he had gotten there, it was time for him to go back. I couldn't tell him then, knowing that he had a four hour plus train ride ahead of him I couldn't do that to him. I figured it would be okay to wait.

By this time I was approaching my eighth month it was way past time to tell him. I know I should have told him sooner, but I couldn't bring myself. I was scared of losing him. Tim really is the best guy I've ever had and I know he really loves me. I know because Tim found out that I was pregnant on January 8, 2005. My son was born on January 9, 2005 at 6:09 am. And despite his short notice, Tim and I are still together and still very much in love.

January 21, 2005

Don't get me wrong, it was easy to tell him and it didn't go over well. It wasn't just like "Oh well you kept this from me for months and now you're telling me, but it's okay." It affected us deeply. He was really hurt and who can blame him.

No on knew about my pregnancy for sure. Some people has suspected but I didn't admit it to anyone. Tim had asked me at one point when he was home about the all the rumors he had heard about me being pregnant. I told him that they were just rumors and that was all. I out and out lied to him and I hated it.

Many people had asked me over the months if I was... some of them were people I had grown up with or been best friends with for years, but I didn't want to tell anyone as much as I wanted to tell Tim. It pained to me keep it from him but I was afraid he would leave me.

I wasn't at the point in my life where I was ready to alone, for any amount of time. But more importantly I love Tim and I want to spend the rest of my life with him. Some people may think that if I loved him then I would have trusted him enough to tell him and have faith that he wouldn't leave me. I did trust Tim, he has become my best friend in these past months, but I didn't trust myself... if that makes any sense.