sandwich

the plate lines up perfectly with the knife and the tuna can which, in turn, are perfectly horizontal with the edge of the breakfast bar.

it is exactly 5 horizontal steps to the fridge (where the cheese is)

the last person who used the cheese didn’t cut it properly and it is no longer square. this means kyle must re-cut it to make it perfectly square.

now his hands are contaminated.

he walks to the sink and presses the soap dispenser with his elbow (as to not contaminate his hands any farther) he then turns on the tap using his bicep and upper arm (a skill that took some time to perfect).

he washes each finger five times and the palms and backs of his hands are washed in a spiral which he draws with his index finger on the opposing hand.

he then turns of the tap (again with his arm) and stands for 7 or 8 minutes to allow his hands to dry unaided (towels are one of the dirtiest things in the kitchen)

he takes the cheese and cuts it into 5 slices. when he is done, the remaining cheese is perfectly square. he puts it into a Ziploc bag and puts it back into the fridge.

after he has done this, he notices a spot of dirt on the handle to the fridge. his hands are now re-contaminated. this means washing them again.

some minutes later, his hands are dry.

before he has even picked up the tuna he knows that it takes 10 turns of the tin opener to take off the lid.

as he opens the tuna he counts the turns. 10 exactly. one more and he would have had to throw it away (either that or figure out a way of making it 15 turns [it must always be a multiplicand of 5, you see])

before forking the tuna out onto the bread he must first check that it is okay. this is a rather complex process the ins and outs of which I shan’t bore you with.

the bread is fine. tuna is placed upon it.

the cheese is placed onto the tuna and the second slice of bread onto the cheese. the perfect sandwich.

he cuts it into 4 triangles, all of which are miraculously the same size.

as always, he will be drinking blackcurrant cordial with his meal.

whilst pouring his drink a drop landed on the kitchen surface meaning that the surface had to be scrubbed, the drink poured away and the glass shattered.

unfortunately, scrubbing means touching a dishcloth (another notoriously filthy kitchen item) which, in turn, means washing his hands again.

he is now ready to eat. he begins to walk over to the breakfast bar but for some reason it has only taken him 4 steps to get there from the sink as opposed to his usual 5 (a much safer number) he can only assume that this is a sign and is left with no choice but to throw the sandwich away.