Watch Yourslef

Jake Leyster’s room was pillow soft and blinding white. Wall sits were more comfortable than his bed. He didn’t like to sleep anyway. His nightmares were worse than the consciousness this past year-or-so had been. The back wall had a large, ever-changing picture of his empty room. He would never know of the audience behind it. Jake stood directly in front of it.
“I mi-.” They opened their mouths at the same time. There was a short pause. “I miss her, Jason.”
“I know you do, I know.”

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Jake Leyster’s red couch left him paralyzed. He couldn’t, nor did he want to, move a muscle. The shipments of Ho-Ho’s alone coming in and heading out of the warehouse today was unbelievable. Plus, Jeopardy was on. What kind of category is Love Poems?
The lights came on just as the room filled with Judy’s essence and the warm air from outside.
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“I feel like I sleep for five minutes and wake up only to be reminded of this nightmare.” There was silence. They had the same blank stares on their faces. Jake seemed to snap back to. “I’m so glad I have you Jason.”
A knock interrupted the conversation. The door behind him swung open. Jake was reminded of the old westerns he and Judy used to watch. You’d always know the bad guy was coming when you heard the wind blowing and the spurs clicking. Then he’d burst through the double wide swinging gate into the saloon and everyone would get real quiet like he had something important to say.
“Who were you talking to Jake?”
Jake knew if he tried to introduce him to Jason again he’d have to start back on those blue pills. “Talking to? What do you mean Doc? I was just reciting an old favorite poem of mine.”
Doc’s brows dipped as he crossed his arms. “Oh, really? Well what was-”
“Some sweet talks. Silent stars night’s darks. And the only topic of my conversation will be.... you are mine... dearest Heart.”
Doc took a step back as if he saw a ghost. He opened his mouth but nothing came out.
“Do you like it? I wrote it myself.”
“Well yes, Jake, yes I do. I’m very impressed.” The corners of Jake’s mouth rose slightly on both ends. “I’ve got some great news for you. The reason I’m here is to let you know that you have been here for over a year now. You seem to be…”

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“How was work today, hun?” Jake asked.
“Not bad babe, the kids were on their best behavior. This was the first time all year they all got dressed appropriately and played till the bell.” Judy leaned down and kissed Jake on top of the head. The hair stuck up on Jake’s arms as the goose bumps formed.
“What creative game did ya cook up for them today?”
“Mattball again actually.”
Jake chuckled. “Oh, that’s the one I helped you conjure up. Sometimes I wish I could take a day off when I knew you were going to have ‘em play that. I’d like to try it out.” Jake sat forward and plopped his feet on the ground in an effort to get off the couch. He moaned like the floorboards and his legs creaked like the ghostly opening of a door. He straightened up and tucked his shirt down over his belt.

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As Jake strolled down the hall, he noticed the front doors he’d come through over a year ago. His jeans weren’t broken in yet but it felt wonderful to have his own clothes on again. He hated having to keep his ass covered so Jason wouldn’t see when he walked around his room. He never did understand why hospital patients had to deal with the problems those gowns caused on top of the problems they already had. The hospital was supposed to rid patients of their problems.
The secretary was fuddling around with a pile of papers. He remembered her from a year ago when he first walked through those doors. Her red hair was blonde now and she looked a little tanner than before. Maybe she just got back from Puerto Rico. Judy had had those pamphlets on our dresser forever it seemed. “Just sign here,” she said.
Jake signed a “J” followed by an indistinguishable trail. “Thank you.”
“Good luck Ja-.”
The doors sealed behind him. He looked up at the grey sky, the cawing birds and the ominous clouds. They were not as he remembered them. As he walked down the sidewalk he stared at every couple that passed like he was sightseeing in some foreign country. He felt like every person had a pair. Each man had a woman; each woman a man. His eyes willingly wandered above. Buildings stretched to empty skies above. These buildings had windows. In those windows there were lives. There were families planning their weekend trips to the country side for picnics, to Mariners games, and to city zoo. There were teenage girls planning what to wear to school on Monday already. There were little boys sitting down to an afternoon of Darkwing Duck, Duck Tales and Tale Spin.
He stopped at Dickinson’s Everything Store; a local convenience store ran by a game named Frank. There were some missing person posters on the door as he entered. Those poor families. One day your hand’s in theirs; the next, your empty palms cover your eyes as you sit with your elbows on your knees.

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Judy was wearing a yellow sun dress that made her blonde hair look almost white. Her grin looked like it was painted on by a child. She was smiling from ear to ear. The two embraced. “What’s the matter, babe?” asked Judy. “Long day at work?”
“Seemed like every time I stored away one palette of food, there were twice as many waiting for me back at the loading dock. Put in two hours of overtime though.” Jake went to brace his back with his left hand but Judy beat him there. She walked around behind him and began to rub his back.
“My poor baby…”

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He paced up and down the aisle attempting to remember what he needed and what he already had at home. The mustard and ketchup has got to still be good. Jake picked up a gallon of two-percent milk, a package of sliced Kraft cheese and a tub of Country Crock, and stuffed some Wonder Bread under his arm. At the register, he stood in a line that wasn’t there. There was a body’s length of space between him and the counter. The floor was like the giant picture in his room. He seemed mesmerized by it. His eyes were wide open and focused on something below that floor. Wonder how you clean chalk off cement indoors?
“Can I help you, sir?” Frank turned down the radio and repeated, “Can I help you, siirrr?”
Jake snapped out of the tile floor trance. “Sorry.” A bouquet of tulips sat on top of the register. “Are those for sale?” Five years ago his apartment smelled like a locker room after a pizza party. After Judy moved in it blossomed into a laboratory of botany and essence. Judy always wanted to move out of the city, somewhere where she could have a garden of her own. It made gift-giving for every holiday easy. She loved tulips.
“Um… I suppose they are. What do you say to fifteen dollars?” Frank replied.
Jake took his last remaining company out his wallet, Mr. Jackson, and left him on the counter with Frank. He saw the photo on his license as closed his billfold, but it looked like someone else.
He put his wallet in his back pocket. Jake lifted the flowers to his nose but before he could get a whiff his knee knocked into a frail little girl’s stomach as they passed through the door simultaneously. He looked down to apologize and make sure he hadn’t knocked the wind out of her. “I’m sor-.” She was beautiful. She has a fantastic resemblance to Judy, almost as if she was of her kin. The girl ran off to the candy aisle before he could say another word.

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Jake sat back down on the couch. He patted the empty seat beside him, welcoming Judy to sit.
“Oh Jake, its so nice out. I was hoping we could run down to Dickinson’s and get some ice cream. It’s the middle of October; it’s not going to stay this warm forever.”
“Speaking of which, I finally figured out the name of that man who works there every night. Saw it on a shipping form at the warehouse today… Frank something. Not Dickinson though. Kind of disappointing, we always thought it would be.” He tried to change the subject. He hated saying no.
“Come on, Jake. Please.” She pleaded for him to go from one set of commercials to the next. “Final Jeopardy” was about to start, the category was “Advertising Jingles”.

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Jake could’ve walked from Dickinson’s to his apartment complex blindfolded. He and Judy went there in a midnight craving for ice cream often. The stairwell up to his place was darker than any of those nights. He searched his pockets for his key but they were as empty as he would soon find his home. Maybe someone forgot to lock it. He turned the knob in hope. The door swung open, creakingly slow. The “J’ on his apartment door swung back and forth, only held by one screw. His belongings remained. His red couch appeared as the sun rising over the horizon. There were no pictures, no reminders. He had figured no thief would climb the four flights of stairs in hope of his crummy apartment being unlocked and even if someone had broken in they wouldn’t want any of his shit anyway.
He turned on his television but only got two channels. They must’ve canceled his cable he thought. Two-forty a month for rent and utilities but the only thing worth missing is gone. Should’ve thought of that. Could’ve put it in the letter for the landlord along with the money. “Cops” was on channel two. There was an armed robbery in progress at a 7-Eleven. There were a couple customers and a worker wounded already. It reminded him of his wife. He turned to “Full House” on the other station. Jessie Contsapolous and Danny Tenner were planning a surprise birthday party for Michelle and were debating over what to put on the cake. Jake’s parents, Judith and William, never threw him a surprise party. One particular birthday came to mind. He could almost smell the vanilla frosting with twelve holes now filled in with hardened wax. The presents seemed to fall from heaven. Before he could thank them for a gift they’d have another crisply wrapped one in his hands. Jake fell asleep that night with a G.I. Joe action figure in hand using wrapping paper as a blanket and a giant bow as a pillow. His parents both worked nightshifts at the Lakeland Community Hospital. Jake’s uncle Richard lived with them. Richard said it was because he worked during the day and someone needed to watch over him when he was asleep, but it was really because his job at recycling center didn’t exactly pay him much. Jake woke up that next morning to an empty house. There was no smell of coffee, no sound of Regis or Kathie Lee coming from the living room, nothing at all. That birthday was no more special than any other birthday of his, but it was the last he ever spent with his parents. They were in a subway accident that night on the way to work that killed forty other of someone’s family. The shows theme song interrupted his thought. He stood up and turned off the TV.
It had been longer than he could remember since the last time he shaved and showered. He walked down the short hall to the bathroom. His bedroom door on the right was cracked open. The hard wood floors weren’t as comfortable as the thick white carpet in his room last night. He took his white tee off and reached up to open his medicine cabinet above the sink. He slid the bottles of pills out of the way and grabbed his shaving cream. He lathered up. A large picture the size of the cabinet startled him when he closed it. The glass in front of the picture was broken which made the portrait look abstract. It was a picture of Jason, grizzly with a look of despair. Not a word was exchanged.
The shower and shave made him feel like a new man. The house was empty and monotonous. He proceeded to his bedroom. The blinds imprisoned the light outdoors. Streaks escaped and marked off the Persian floor rug like a football field. He slipped off his shoes at the door and went to lie on his bed. He wasn’t tired. He sat down like he was at some stranger’s home who had plastic covering on their sofa. Dust jumped up off the sheets. He patted his hand on the bed, as if he were welcoming someone to sit next to him. Jake’s mind wandered off. The girl at the store was... I wonder what her name was. Judy always loved the name Jessica.

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“Fine, this is probably going to be the warmest day left this year. I’m going by myself. I’ll be back in a little bit.” Jake flinched as the door slammed behind him and darkness fell on the room once again. The shadows were only behind him, cast by the light of the television.
He fell asleep on the couch even before the Wheel of Fortune opening theme song ended.

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For five days he stayed in these surroundings leaving only occasionally for fresh air. He watched TV and played solitaire. The image of the girl’s face never left his mind. Maybe she was just passing through the candy aisle and heading to the ice cream cooler. She probably likes Mint Chocolate Chip. Judy loved Mint Chocolate Chip.

Jake found himself at Dickinson’s again on Friday. He told himself a lack of toilet paper, shampoo and deodorant drew him back. The store had four aisles. He spent forty-five minutes shopping around. He walked past the ice cream cooler thirteen times.
“Well hello Kaley, how are you today?” Frank said. Jake whipped his head around in anticipation. It was her. She was wearing a yellow shirt and flower printed shorts.
“Good thank you.”
“What did you learn today?”
“Nothinnng…”
“I thought they taught ya that yesterday and all last week.” Frank smiled and Kaley giggled.
Frank leaned over and handed her a Crunch bar. “Thank you Frank.”
“You’re always welcome hun, have a good day.”
Jake put toilet paper roll in his hand down on the cooler and followed her out the door. Frank was still watching Kaley, making sure she could get on her bike with the giant Crunch bar in her hand and the book bag the size of her body on her back. He looked over and saw that the toilet paper was in the wrong place, and returned it to its rightful position. Frank went back to his radio talk show.
Jake caught up to Kaley at the sidewalk. She appeared to be waiting to cross the road. “Excuse me… Kaley?”
Kaley didn’t acknowledge.
“Kaley?” Jake repeated.
She looked over at him.
“Hi, my name is Ja-“
“Mrs. Boucher says I’m not supposed to talk to strangers.” Jake was just happy she said anything at all. Jake turned and looked down the road to his right. Kaley looked to the left. The roads were familiar, they led to lonely places he’d been before. Jake turned back to his left.
“Crunch bars are my favorite. I always try to bite down as hard as I can like in the commercials so it’ll make a real big noise. It’s never as loud as on TV though.” Kaley bit down hard. “Woo, careful, you’re gonna pop my ear drum.” Kaley looked up and smiled at him. “Are you heading home right now?”
“...Uh-uh. I don’t usually go to home till bed time. I usually head that way,” Kaley said softly. She nodded to her left. Her eyes fell down to the handle bars.
“How’s come? What do you usually do till then?”
“Nothinnnng.” Kaley said with a tone of confusion and a hint of disappointment.
“Oh, well that’s what they teach in ya in school I hear. Don’t you get sick of it?”
Kaley’s smile grew to each ear. She dismounted her bike and swung out the kickstand. With her book bag on the ground she reached in and pulled out a drawing of three boats. “We actually learned about Christopher Columbus today.”
“Wow, did you do this? It’s very good.” Kaley nodded her head, eyes wide open. “Do you have any other pictures?” Kaley reached into her bag and pulled out another. Jake tilted his head. A garden of yellow flowers.
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Jake woke up the next morning like he had had one of those dreams where you’re falling. The air conditioner died and along with it the white noise. As alone as Jake was, it sounded like a circus was performing right there in his apartment. He and Judy hadn’t spent a night apart since they got married. The red blinking light from the answering machine was a silent siren. Every time he answered the phone for the past three years, Judy was waiting to say hello. The message wasn’t from Judy.

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Jake and Kaley arrived at the bottom of his complex after a twenty minute walk. Jake pushed her bike down the sidewalk. They talked the whole time but there was an awkward silence as they looked up the stairs. The expressions on their faces were something like you would expect from climbers at the base of Mount Everest.
“I’ll tie your bike up down here so it won’t get stolen. You want me to take your book bag for you?”
Kaley looked at Jake as if he had offered her a million candy bars. Judy was always independent too. “I got it,” she said.

They talked and played, and Jake even made dinner for her. Jake set the pasta down in front of her and went to bathroom to wash his hands. He returned a minute later. “What – did you drop it on the floor?” Kaley held her plate out like it was brand new china on display.
Kaley had a disposable camera in her book bag she said Frank gave her for her birthday. It was the only present she ever got that she cherished. They took pictures of each other fooling around until they finished off the roll.
The wood floors seemed shinier. The yellow walls seemed brighter. The red couch seemed softer. A breeze pushed threw the window. His house smelled like tulips. Jake’s cheeks were sore from beaming. They sat down and watched The Little Mermaid together on the couch. She fell asleep twenty minutes in. Her head lay on his lap. He reached over and grabbed the camera off the end table. When he went to wind it he realized there was still another picture left to be taken.

Jake watched the rest of the movie and stood up gently, careful to not awaken her. He went and took his comforter off his bed and tucked her in on the couch.
Jake slept well that night.

When he awoke Kaley was still asleep on the couch. There was a humming coming from the window. The air conditioner must’ve kicked back on overnight he thought. He grabbed the Frosted Flakes out of the cupboard and sat down to a bowl. The first bite he took was still dry and echoed off the walls of his cheeks. Kaley yawned and sat up. She squinted over the back of the couch at him.
“Good morning Kaley.”
Her blonde hair was as frazzled. Her yellow shirt and flower printed shorts were wrinkled. “Morning.”
“You fell asleep watching the movie last night. I didn’t want to wake you up. Do you want some breakfast and I’ll take you home?”
Kaley stood up and trudged over to the table. She slouched in her seat. Jake poured her a bowl and walked over to turn on Saturday morning cartoons. Their breakfast was quiet until she looked over away from Jake and whispered something. Jake didn’t think much of it. Kaley finished her cereal.
Jake scratched at his nose. “Do you want to go now?”
“Do you think we could maybe get those pictures done first?”
“Of course.”
Kaley looked away again. Jake could make out what she was saying this time. “I know I should go home, Jolly. As soon as he gets back I will.”
Jake had the same look on his face that Doc did when he recited that poem to him. “Jolly?”
“Jolly’s my best friend.” Kaley’s cheeks turned redder than the couch behind her. “He’s always around when I need him.”
“Oh… well, nice to meet you Jolly.” Jake stretched his hand out and shook it with the air.

Jake went to Dickinson’s by himself. The streets and sidewalks had wet pictures like the ones in his old room. It had rained that morning. He stepped on them without ever looking at the abstract portraits he was turning them into. Kaley didn’t want to miss Looney Tunes and Merry Melodies. Frank told him they probably wouldn’t be done for twenty four hours. That afternoon the police came to visit Dickinson’s and hung up some more posters.

When Jake got back he offered to walk Kaley home again but she hadn’t realized the pictures would take a day to develop.
“I can drop ‘em off at your house tomorrow when I get ‘em if you want.”
“…Do you wanna play go fish?” Kaley asked.
Jake didn’t necessarily want her to leave so he didn’t ask again. “Sure.”

He made spaghetti for her again that night. She never mentioned going home so he didn’t either. They started The Little Mermaid from where she fell asleep the night before.

Later that night Jake was awakened by a thud. The television shone a brilliant blue and illuminated the familiar scene. Jake brushed Kaley’s hair off her face. Exhausted, he dismissed the noise hastily and his eye lids closed once again. I’ll go get ice cream. I’ll go. What seemed like hours was only a minute later. Another thud became a recognizable knock, which preceded the one last thud that brought down his front door. Flashlights interrupted the movie theatre setting.
Jake swung his head around. Someone’s going to wake up Kaley. Two men dressed casually with guns in their hand and aggressive poses and expressions stood there. The tall man on the left looked familiar in some way. His stocky partner held his badge and a warrant like a shield in front of him.
“Police, freeze!”
Kaley jumped into Jakes arms.
“Put the girl down.”
Kaley was crying in fear. The guns frightened Jake as much, if not more than they did Kaley. He felt like crying himself but held back for Kaley’s sake. One of the men approached them and grabbed Kaley’s arm with one hand. The other hand still had the gun pointed at Jake’s forehead. Kaley was shrieking now as she hung between Jake and the intruder. She sounded like a coyote howling in the dark wild. He let go of her. The cop pulled her head close to his chest to muffle the noise. Jake wanted to say or do something but he couldn’t. He had nothing.
The other cop threw Jake to the ground and cuffed him behind his back. A small piece of paper floated from his breast pocket down to the ground. The cop pulled Jake up to his knees. Jake looked down at the paper and saw it to be a photograph. The cop pulled out his flashlight and shined it down on the back of Jake’s head. He began to read him his rights. Jake could make out the photo now. It was the last picture he took; the one of Kaley asleep on his lap. Jake could still hear her crying in the distance. The one cop left with Kaley in his arms. As he walked down the steps Jake could tell she was getting farther and farther away from him until he couldn’t hear her cry any longer.

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Jake left the hospital an hour after he arrived that morning. There was a tear in his empty stare. He hugged his sides as the breeze blew the leaves and newspapers across the empty parking lot. He had expected defeat, but losing someone he never knew was unforeseen.

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The cop trailed behind Jake, holding his handcuffs behind Jake’s back as they came down the stairs towards the sidewalk. Kaley pulled her head from the cop’s chest. She was no longer weeping. She looked at the name tag on his shirt, “Officer José Goya”. Below that there were pictures stuffed in his breast pocket. As she pulled it from the pocket, Jake leaned around the cop to get a closer look. It was a picture of Jake and her. Kaley smiled as the tears dried up on her cheeks.

Jake Leyster’s room was soft and white again. There was a giant mirror on the wall. He knew beyond his face Doc would sit and watch him. “…have been here for a year now. Jude Capers has granted you probation. You seem to be doing much better Jake. You haven’t mentioned Jason in some time and you’ve seemed to mourn your losses. The police finished their investigation a few months ago and found no evidence that you were the gunmen at the convenience store. They have dismissed all charges.” Jake had only been awake for a few hours. He lay back down in his bed. Jake turned his head away from the mirror on his pillow. “I’m so glad I met you, Jolly.”