The Worst Fear

The bell over the door jingled softly to announce the arrival of the newcomer. She stood several moments in the doorway observing the people in the room. As she came in out of the cold, she rubbed her hands together, blowing on them hard to warm them up. Some looked up from where they sat in the community store, others paid her no mind and continued with what they were doing. It was a quiet town, everybody minded their own business, yet were as equally aware of others, weather they had a right to or not.

She sauntered over to the frount counter and sat beside the man there. He was in his mid to late twenties, like her, with dark brown hair neatly parted to one side. His dark green eyes and features were sharp, perhaps worn over time. She didn’t look straight at him, just out of the corner of her eyes, and he did likewise.

‘Did ya get it?’ She continued to stare at the wall, tilting her head slightly towards him. The woman behind the counter came over and poured the younger woman a cup of coffee, adding extra sugar and cream.

‘Right here.’ He replied in a southern accent, not unlike her own, and patted the pocket of his dark green cargo pants. She sipped the steaming cup, sighing contentedly, letting the warm liquid splash down her throat.

She nodded back, just visibly. ‘So, when can I see it?’

He shrugged back, ‘That depends weather I can trust ya or not.’

She pushed her wallet down towards him. He glanced at it, then pushed it pack towards her, keeping his gaze forward. Reaching into his pant pocket, he pulled it out and slid it towards her. She picked it up and looked the key over. Grinning she broke her gaze, and dropped her southern accent.

‘Oh, when can it see it, Conrad?’ She handed back the key, and he turned towards her as well.

He scratched the back of his head. The boyish charm she had always loved about him shone out from his eyes, as he slightly squinted. ‘How’s this afternoon?’ He too dropped the accent, exposing one with a slightly English flare, while often caused people to think that he was from there. Hers was of a proper American, similar to his in many ways, but with a less pronounced English attitude.

Joy and excitement flooded though her. After all there years, he had saved enough to buy a dream, something she had always helped him build up in his mind. She couldn’t wait any longer. ‘Oh yes, I’d love to!’

He picked up his cup of coffee, sipping it. She remembered a time he detested the stuff, but his time in Air Force had changed that. Along with many other things. He had lost some of his sarcasm, for which he had been famous. There were days when she missed it. People change, she reminded herself, you have. Actually she hadn’t really. She was still just a writer, looking at others dreams and putting them to paper. She wasn’t very successful, but she did well enough to get by on it and a little job at the Library. Yes, her life had almost stood still, save for that four-year break called College. She had been doing virtually the same thing since she was in junior high school. And now here she was, yet again, watching another one of her friend’s dreams come true. As long as she had known him, Conrad had wanted to have his own plane so he could start his own cargo service. He had begun to take flying lessons in his junior year in High School and had been a natural, getting his pilot’s license the same year. Yes, he has changed, and I haven’t. I probably never will.

‘Lexa?’ her head shot up, and she raised an eyebrow.

‘What?’

‘I asked when I could pick you up.’ She nodded, sipping the coffee once more. These blackouts were becoming more and more common. She didn’t mean to space out like that, but it couldn’t be helped. Perhaps it was the writer in her.

Setting the cup down, she propped up her chin on one elbow, ‘I don’t know—How about three?’

Pursing his lip so they stuck out slightly, he nodded. ‘I suppose that would be fine.’ His mock British accent was strangely similar to his father’s real one.

‘Wonderful!’ She imitated him.

He frowned a moment, blinking several times. ‘I thought you were afraid of heights.’

She looked sheepishly to the floor. In high school, she had told him of her list of five fears: Spiders, being choked, being stabbed, death, and worst of all, heights. She was deathly afraid of heights, but she had always loved the idea of flying. To soar above the world had been a dream of hers, and in dreams she would fly, up in the clouds, over trees, until some invisible force caused her to crash, injuring her like a bird with a broken wing. And when she attempted flight once more, she found she could not. ‘Not anymore.’ She lied. The thought of flying made her heart leap; the thought of being up on a roof made her nauseous.

He nodded slowly. He didn’t believe her. ‘What about all those times I’ve come and gone up ladders for you?’

Biting her bottom lip, she tried to find an excuse. ‘I’m just not too good with ladders.’ She pointed to her bottom, ‘I’ve fallen off them too many times.’ Good recovery, let’s hope he takes it.

He nodded, pursing his lips once more, ‘Ok. Sure. So I’ll pick you up at three then. It’s a bit of a drive to Lawrence, so bring some CDs we can listen to.’ He set down his cup and stood, leaving the charge. She nodded to confirm that she would do as asked.

Standing up as well, she saluted him, and he returned the gesture. Grinning, he gave her a pat on the back. ‘I’ll see you.’

He stopped at the door, closing one eye and pointing at her. ‘Later, babe!’ His impression of a ‘cool dude’ hadn’t changed since high school. As he closed the door behind him, she turned back and pulled out her wallet to pay.




The wind blew hard about Lexa as she closed the SUV door behind her, whipping at her hair. The sky was cloudy, the white fluff passing over the sun hurriedly, letting a few blue patches show here and there. There were few people about the small airport, and as she looked about for Conrad’s pride, he motioned for her to follow him towards a near by hanger.

As she fell into step beside him, she could see he was grinning from ear to ear, eager to show off his new toy. He glanced over to her. ‘You’re going to love her.’ He pushed the short door to the left of the hanger open for her and she trotted in.

‘Oh, I’m—’ She looked about the nearly empty hanger. Nearly empty, save for a small freight plane in the back of the huge building. ‘Sure I will.’ She finished slowly. ‘Um, it’s well, a wee bit small.’

‘No, no, it’s a lot bigger than you think, c’mon.’ He continued to the back of the hanger. As she followed him, she began to get the feeling of awe, and perhaps holiness, as in a sanctuary or cathedral. His religiousness concerning planes and flying echoes in the aired, dim chamber. This faith in his plane was almost blind, and as they came closer, she began to feel the same sacredness he felt for the plane. Taking a fist, he pounded on a side. It resonated in the cavern. Well, it was bigger than she had thought. ‘Isn’t she a beauty? She’ll stand up to anything.’

She cocked her head, ‘I see,’ The awe had quickly dissipated at this, the thought of the plane being tossed about by the wind shot into her mind. It dived towards the ocean, and her stomach did likewise. As it hit the water, her stomach smashed, too. She was going to be sick.

As he opened the door, he indicated she should climb in. Ignoring the increasing feelings of nausea, she clambered up into the soft passenger’s seat in the cockpit. The door slammed hard beside her, and echoed in the hanger. Soon, he was next to her, beaming like a pleased child. He called over the comm. ‘This is Legacy, could you kindly open the doors to hanger three?’

She barely heard the voice on the other end respond, something about a jail cell she thought later on; she shut her eyes, focusing on keeping her stomach down. This wasn’t happening; she had dreamed of this day all her life, why was she so frightened? She was with Conrad, what could go wrong—

The huge doors slowly slid open, allowing a stream of outdoor light to hit the floor. She watched the beam grow, taking her mind temporarily off her fear. ‘Good to go, Legacy.’ The voice came over the comm., snapping her fear back into play.

‘Roger that, thank you.’ The engine revved up, and the plane started forward, up towards the light. As it neared the door, she gripped her seat, harder and harder, the sweat seeping through. She glanced around frantically, ensuring herself that she was strapped in.
Out on the runway, her panic flared up again, and she felt her heart beat faster, leaping, jumping, eager to be released from her stiff chest. She dug her nails into the leather, puncturing it unknowingly. She had lost all feeling in her hands. The plane began to lift, up and down, gravity working against it like a boat jumping on rough water. Her heart began to bounce with it.

The plane left the ground, angling up, higher and higher, towards a patch of blue above them. She was pulled hard to her seat, feeling her facial muscles tighten. She was going to vomit, but she did her best to hold it in. The taste seeped into her mouth. She was in the air, the ground disappearing far below. What if the plane gave out? What if they ran out of fuel? What if they suddenly began to drop?

Everything began to blur. Pushing up her glasses didn’t help either.

The plane leveled off, and she sensed Conrad relax. ‘Well, wasn’t that pleasant?’ She couldn’t respond. She was frozen. The earth was far below them, and they were suspended in midair, nothing supporting them, and only the shell of the plane to keep them from falling to the earth. She was sure she was going die.

He glanced over at her, and seeing the panic in her eyes, he grasped her hand hard. ‘It’s okay, we’ll head back down again. Hang on, Lexa. You’ll be fine, we’re safe.’ But she didn’t want to go back down, to feel the pressure once more. No, no, she was flying, how exhilarating. How frightening. She grasped the seat hard once more, squeezing his hand tightly. She fought against the fear, remembering her dreams. Remembering her nightmares.

“Don’t go back just yet.” He stared her in the eyes, his beautiful green eyes. Their fist kiss had been like this, so frightening, and so exciting all at once. She wanted so badly to stay up here, with him, to feel the freedom he felt, but the fear of dying kept on rushing to her. The fear of losing him. It replayed in her mind, when he told her he no longer loved her, the fear was as great then. She hung over the edge of the world, about to fall. Yes, everything she had a fear of losing was caught up in her now, in this moment. Her mind rushed about in a flood of high school memories, and she suddenly realized what she wanted all this time, the one thing that would squelch this terror.

‘Conrad, you care about me, don’t you?’ He stared at her, unblinkingly, not sure what brought this all about, but she knew it had to be done. She would slay all her fears in this one moment, or drown in them for eternity.

‘What kind of a question is—’

‘Please?’ She was breathing hard and fast, he life hanging by a thread. His answer would break the fear, or would push her over the edge of insanity.

He held on tighter then ever. ‘You know I care for you. I have never been closer to anyone else in my entire life. Your more than just my best friend.’ He turned back to stare out the window, ‘You’re my partner, my other half—I’m not sure what to call it. But you are so important to me, never forget that.’ He turned back to stare at her. Then it was all over.

The fear had subsided. She was no longer hanging over the edge of the world.

She reached over and hugged him. He had saved her form herself. ‘Thank you.’ He held out her long, her heart slowing down to a normal speed. She breathed in a sigh and finally let go, settling down in the seat. He gazed out the window, a half smile creeping over his face.

‘You better now?’ He did not look in her direction.

Breathing in sharply, she began to look more closely at her surroundings. Now things were not so blurry, and after blinking several times, she dared a glance out the window. The world was darkening around them as if storm was to come. She sat back again, trying to tell herself that she was safe. ‘Yes, much better.’

She nearly was cut off by the crackle of the radio. The voice of the tower-man back at the airport sounded behind the static. ‘All planes in the vicinity should land promptly. Repeat, all planes should land due to the oncoming storm.’

They both locked gazes at once. The very thing she had dreaded was coming to pass. If his landing was faulty in any way, they could possibly crash. Thoughts of her body breaking into a thousand pieces engulfed her mind. Bringing herself out of her fear before she slipped entirely into it, she grasped his hand, ‘I trust you, Conrad.’ She had to; it was the only way they were to make it home. But staring outside at the rush of clouds and the rain that had begun to pelt at the window, her terror leaped up once more, struggling to overcome her. Her vision grew blurred, heart leaping hard in her chest, mouth growing dry. She felt the plane begin to turn into the wind, being pushed hard in the wrong direction, tossed like a boat at sea. A gigantic gust as it finished its turn, pushed it out of control, and she felt if begin to spin downward. She griped his hand tighter, and felt her face begin to freeze as it had during their assent. She turned her eyes toward Conrad as he fought for control of the plane. In that single split second, as the ground came quickly into view, she knew it was all—




The doorbell rang. Lexa sat bolt upright, and glanced about the room quickly. She was downstairs on her living room couch. The examined herself swiftly, so as to make sure she was still whole, and not a ghost. Yes, yes, that was it; it had all been a dream. The bell rang once more, and she moved her stiff legs to the floor, and attempted standing. Oh, it had definitely been just a dream, the kink in her legs proved it. Gradually, she made her way to the frount door, never being to so happy to be alive. Straightening, she pulled it open, creaking slightly. I should have that fixed. She blinked several times as the afternoon light hit her eyes as they undilated. There was a tall figure at her door, she was sure of that, but of his face, her eyes still coming out of sleep, would not allow her to see. Blinking defiantly at the light, she pulled off her glasses, which were rather stuck to her face, rubbed her eyes, and replaced the lenses.

‘You awake yet, Lex?’ She cocked her head and recognized Conrad’s voice, not needing to see him anymore. She waved exaggeratedly with one arm as if to emphasize her sleepiness, and ushered him into her home.

Following him into the kitchen, she pulled out a chair and indicated he do the same. She plopped herself down as he took a seat, and pulling off her glasses she set her elbows on her knees, and rubbed her eyes with her palms, as if to make her eyes focus better. ‘That must have been one heck of a sleep you had there.’ She nodded and moaned into her hands. He pat her gently on the back. ‘I know, I know.’

Without taking it out of her hands, she turned her face to gaze at him. ‘You always know, Rad.’ She had meant this in the most sincere way, but in truth, she realized how little he actually knew. Especially about her.

He shrugged, ‘Well, I just know everything. I am all knowing.’ When he had been in high school, he had told her that if he could have one power, it would be to know anything when he needed to. How funny that seemed now to her. He still, in some sense, wanted that ability. ‘So, you still up for going?’

Closing her eyes, she nodded, ‘Yeah, just let me make a mug of tea before we head out.’ He told her it was fine, and she set to work warming up some water in the microwave. Soon, she had the concoction ready and they were heading out. She grabbed her coat and slid it on as she headed out the door, locking it as she went.




The wind blew hard about Lexa as she closed the SUV door behind her, whipping at her hair. The sky was cloudy, the white fluff passing over the sun hurriedly, letting a few blue patches show here and there. There were few people about the small airport, and as she looked about for Conrad’s pride, he motioned for her to follow him towards a near by hanger. Somehow this seemed all too familiar. Somehow, she had been here before. She had a bad feeling about this.

As she fell into step beside him, she could see he was grinning from ear to ear, eager to show off his new toy. He glanced over to her. ‘You’re going to love her.’ He pushed the short door to the left of the hanger open for her and she trotted in. Okay, this was rather spooky. She wanted to go back to the car, to get him to follow her, and to go home. She was not about to let it happen as it had in the dream.

‘You know, I’m having second thoughts now.’ There was the small freight plane in the back of the huge building, just as it had been in the dream.

He stopped in his tracks, ‘Ah, c’mon! It’s not that scary. I guarantee you’ll have the time of your life.’ He continued to the back of the hanger. Following him, she had the growing sensation of déjà vu. This couldn’t be repeating itself, could it? Taking a fist, he pounded on a side. It resonated in the cavern. ‘Isn’t she a beauty? She’ll stand up to anything.’ Yes it was. It was happening all over again.

She but her bottom lip in concentration, ‘You know, it’s kind of windy out. You still think it’s safe to fly?’ She prayed inwardly that he would agree and they would just go home.

No such luck. He opened the door for her, indicating that she should climb in. ‘Nope, it’s great weather for flying. You’ll be safe. I promise.’ Some promise. She stood there, staring at the open cockpit. This was a bad idea. Once more she had to fight her fear of flying as she clambered up into the passenger’s seat. The door slammed hard beside her, and echoing as it had in the dream. As he seated himself next to her, his hand went for the comm. She grasped his wrist to stop him. His face turned sharply to look at her.

‘Maybe we should rethink this. I mean, we can do it on a better day.’ Mentally, she crossed her fingers.

He frowned. ‘What are you so worked up over? You’ll be fine. If you feel sick or anything, we’ll come back down. Okay?’ She let go. Looking out the window, she bit her lip again, and nodded. You don’t understand, we could die! She wanted to scream, but she was stopped by the fact that Conrad might think her quite mad. And perhaps it was only a dream. Dreams never hurt anybody, did they?

Like a movie being replayed, he called over the comm. ‘This is Legacy, could you kindly open the doors to hanger three?’

This time she heard the voice on the other end respond, ‘It’s like a jail cell, isn’t it, Rad? We gotcha covered.’ The voice held a heavy Bostonian accent. Her mind raced as she tried to think of ways to stop this from repeating itself. But instead, the thoughts from the dream recurred. This wasn’t happening; I’ve dreamed of this day all my life, why am I so frightened? I’m with Conrad, what could go wrong—

The huge doors slowly slid open, allowing a stream of outdoor light to hit the floor. She watched the beam grow, bringing her back to the dilemma. ‘Good to go, Legacy.’ The voice came over the comm.

‘Roger that, thank you.’ She hopped the Engine wouldn’t start.

The engine revved up, and the plane started forward, up towards the light. As it neared the door, she glanced around frantically, trying to find an excuse, any excuse that could stop them.

Out on the runway, some of her fear of heights jumped in, but it lasted momentarily. It was nothing compared to this new fear. The plane left the ground, angling up, higher and higher, towards a patch of blue above them. She was pulled hard to her seat, feeling her facial muscles tighten. Once more they were in the air, the ground disappearing far below. And there was nothing she could do to stop it.

Everything began to blur. Once more, she found herself pushing up her glasses.

The plane leveled off, and she sensed Conrad relax. ‘Well, wasn’t that pleasant?’ She couldn’t respond. She was frozen. She was sure they were going die.

He glanced over at her, and seeing the panic in her eyes, he grasped her hand hard. ‘It’s okay, we’ll head back down again. Hang on, Lexa. You’ll be fine, we’re safe.’ Yes, yes, let’s go back, before we die. Her nightmare was more vivid than ever. But she couldn’t. She realized that she would rather die up there than spend the rest of her life, knowing Conrad saw her only as just a good friend. It was selfish, she gave it that, but what were their chances of getting back now? She knew the wind would push them as it had before, weather they went back now, or later. Either way, this was now the fate she was bound to. And Conrad would be here too.

“Don’t go back just yet.” He stared her in the eyes, his beautiful green eyes ash she had so many times, yearning for him to see her as she did him. ‘Conrad, you care about me, don’t you?’ He stared at her, unblinkingly, not sure what brought this all about.

‘What kind of a question is—’?

‘Please?’ She found herself repeating the dream verbatim.

He held on tighter then ever. ‘You know I care for you. I have never been closer to anyone else in my entire life. Your more than just my best friend.’ He turned back to stare out the window, ‘You’re my partner, my other half—I’m not sure what to call it. But you are so important to me, never forget that.’ He turned back to stare at her. This was it. This was the moment that would remain hers. So long as she could die having it.

She reached over and hugged him. ‘Thank you.’ He held out her long as he had in the dream. She breathed in a sigh and finally let go, settling down in the seat. He gazed out the window, a half smile creeping over his face.

‘You better now?’ He did not look in her direction.

‘Yes, much better.’

She nearly was cut off by the crackle of the radio. The voice of the tower-man back at the airport sounded behind the static. ‘All planes in the vicinity should land promptly. Repeat, all planes should land due to the oncoming storm.’

They both locked gazes at once. She grasped his hand, ‘I trust you, Conrad.’ This was it. They would spend their last moments together. Staring at him as he maneuvered the plane through the rush of clouds and the rain that had begun to pelt at the window, she relaxed slightly, but grasped his hand. She felt the plane begin to turn into the wind, being pushed hard in the wrong direction, tossed like a boat at sea. A gigantic gust as it finished its turn, pushed it out of control, and she felt if begin to spin downward. She gripped his hand tighter, and felt her face begin to freeze as it had during their assent. She turned her eyes toward Conrad as he fought for control of the plane. In that single split second, as the ground came quickly into view, he had conquered two of her five fears, of heights, and of de—





Afterward


The plane was found just hours after the storm. It had done a nosedive into a field, not two miles away from the airport. It was a nasty sight. When I arrived there to write about it for the TriTown Transcript, I just couldn’t believe it. They were both just kids. I had remembered them from when Lexa had interned at the Village Reporter when I had worked there. They were good friends, and he was always picking her up to go do something or other. And she constantly talked about him. I believe she was in love with him, though she would have never admitted to anyone, save him perhaps.

Dr. Jamie Winthrope, one of Lexa’s best friends from high school had to come identify the bodies. She told me that they were found holding each other tightly, and that Conrad’s back had been shredded from the glass, in a protective position. Apparently, he had died on impact, but she had died of heart failure just moments before the crash.

The poor girl had died of shear terror, the doctor doing the autopsy said. I was allowed to take a look them before they carted them off to the hospital, and I believe he was wrong. She had a rather peaceful look on her face. I rather think she died content. She was with the one she loved in her last moments. She may not have wanted him to die, but at least they were together. That’s my theory, anyway. Poor kids. You could never get me up in one of them planes. No sir. They were brave to do even that. But to do it on a windy day was insane. Like I said, it’s a shame, but they weren’t thinking when they went up. Too bad, no one said anything.