baby lost

A real moment in my life happened the day i found out that the son i was carring for seven months and bonded with as dead. I remember the day as if it was yesterday... Prior to this day i had had a feeling that this pregnancy was not right.

I have twins boy and girl and i dropped them off at my inlaws. I left there and stopped at the grocery store and bought a pack of smokes because for some reason i flet nerves to go to the doctors. I just had this feeling I was going to receive bad news. Call it a mothers intuition i don't know but i did. I left the sotre and went and picked up my aunt who had wanted to go with me for the ultra sound. We go to the docters and they do there regular routine check and then the bad news came. The docotor did an ultra sound and where his little heart should have been beating there was nothing. SILENCE!!!! The docotor had aksed me when i flet him last move and i said i didn't cuase at that point in my head i strted to freak. The doctor proceeded checking the rest of my son and the answer he gave me the first time stayed the same. I didn't know if i shoud scream, yell at the doctor blame him, i didn't now what to do so i cried and shook and my poor aunt she tried to console me the best way she could.

When i finally contained myself i asked to use the phone to call my husband at work to tell him he needed to cme home cause i had important news about the baby. My husband as he is needed to know why. I didn't want to tell him over the phone but he instisted so i told him.He says to me ok and hangs ups the phone. I leave the doctors office with my aunt in a daze. We get in my car and the first thing i do is light up. I figured whats the harm now. That was the longest ride home. Then it hit me half way home that when i talked to my husband i forgot to mention i was at the doctors office when i called him and that he was problably wondering where i was. As i digress..... Where was i oh yeah. I drop my aunt off and i go home and waiting in the driveway was my husband and that was when reality hit. I always say things like this happens to other people not me. I guess i was wrong.

After him and i had our moment we drove to his moms to get the twins. I also needed to call my mom who was on vaction with friends. We get to his moms and it was all i can to do not to cry in front of my kids. I just helf on to them as if i had let go they would disappear. The next step to this devesting story was how was the doctor going to remove my son from me. Well my question was answered when we went to the doctors later that day the doctor tells me that A) my bobdy will dissperse of the baby on its own but the problem with that is a women can not mentally do this. B) I can be admited into the hospital where they soften your cervics with a pills to make you diulate and then deliver the child. Well i hose (A) cause at that point or i should say mentally and emontionally i hoped the doctor was wrong. What was happening to me was a really bad nightmare. So for three days i carried my son till i finally said to my husband that i can not do this anymore. I feel like a walking coffin and i was mad at the docotr for letting me do that. I guess i has holding on to something i had to let go.

Then i went into the hospital on april 10, 2001 at 7:00am in the mornig they inserted the pills where i was also doped up on zanac to keep my sanity. My husband stayed home with the twins and his mom and dad. I didn't want him a the hospital sitting there watching me blame myself for what happened. Don't get me wrong he did come up for a little while but i told him to leave to be with our kids. It was the first time i have ever been away from them with did not help the situation any. Then before 7:00pm that night i started getting pains. I was in labor and since withthe twins i had a c-section i did not know about the pressure you would feel down there. Well need less to say i had to push and when i did i delivered my son by myself cause at that point i could not find the nurses button to hit so i strated to scream for someone to help me. The doctor and nurses came in and there they helfd my son whom i did not want to see. The worst sound to here is to here nothing. My husband was called adn when he got there the nurses had brought my son to us wrapped in a blanket. the nurse handed my son to me. While i was holding him the nurse had aksed if we would like to see him. We did, he had all his toes and fingers but when we got to his neck i aksed the nurse to stop, i did not want to see his face. Holding him and not feeling movement or any noise brought out alot of emotions. I held him to my heart and told him how sorry iwas and that mommy loves him very much. Then it tore me up to see my husband hold him and said my little man daddy loves you. At that point i knew that not giving my husband his son alive was my fault. I was so worried about him that when he left me i called his mom to make sure that he was ok. Four days after i delivered him we buried my newborn son the day before easter. Three months i was emotionally a wreck. I blamed myself, the doctors and god. I blamed the doctor cause i felt he should have done more. I was mad at god because why would i god let me carry a child for seven months and then take him away from me, and i blamed myself becasue why didn't i go to the doctor sooner. Why didn't i know something was wrong. I was feeling that and so much more that i felt like i was on a roller coaster ride of emotions. My only sanity was to go to my sons grave and talk to him and tell him how sorry i was and that i loved him. My husband god bless him he was hurting but he stayed strong for me and the kids. I would smell the hospital blanket and cap the nurse gave me as memory to him. Then one day i woke up and looked at myself int he mirror and said i have two kids alive who need me and life goes on. I strted going to church not for the services but to find answers. The answer i came up with was things happen for a reason whether they are good or bad and it makes you a stronger person. Then after my depression on july 15th 2002 i delivered a 7pd 11oz little girl whom i say is a gift from her brother. If i had not lost him i would not of had my daugter since i was going to have a tubal done. They say something bad happens and something good comes out of it and my daughter is proof.

That is my story and i hope you enjoyed it.