The Fight For Love

The Fight For Love

When I sit here thinking of the person that has had the most impact on my life, I think of Tyler Hill. Many people didn’t know the real man inside, but I was lucky enough to get to know the person deep down that nobody knew by looking at the appearance of him on the outside. Looking at him and how he acted would make someone believe that he had no care in the world, and his life was pretty wonderful. Or so that’s what I thought when I looked at him, but my thoughts were something to be proved wrong.

I was seventeen when I first met Tyler. I had been working as a courtesy clerk at a local Hy-Vee Grocery Store in a fairly big sized town. I went to school in a surrounding town, so I didn’t know anybody at the store when I first started work. Considering the fact that I hardly knew anybody at the store, I was fairly shy and wasn’t about to strike up many conversations with people. I had always known who Tyler was because he was my boss’ son, and I had seen him around the store. There was something about him that caught my eye. I’m not completely sure what it was, but there was something about him that intrigued me. Maybe it very well could’ve been the fact that he was just so damn cute. Whatever it was, I knew that I had to get to know him.

I never had the nerve to talk to Tyler; however, because I knew he was my boss’ son. My boss was a pretty intimidating woman, so I wasn’t about to strike up a conversation with her son. But then one day while we were working together, he started talking to me and cracking jokes with me. When we talked with one another, it felt like we had been friends for years.

He appeared to be older than what he was, and he acted as if he wasn’t young at all. I had to keep telling myself that he was only fifteen though. He was by far the most mature fifteen-year-old I had ever met. I even felt like I was way younger than he was most of the time. Before I met Tyler, I would’ve never considered dating someone who was younger than I was. Anyone that knew me would tell you it wasn’t my style to be with someone that was younger than me, but Tyler changed all that.

From the moment that he talked to me, we started making plans to hang out with one another. We eventually became such good friends to the point where we were inseparable. There were times when I questioned whether I liked him as more than a friend, but I told myself I didn’t because he was younger than me and was far from being my type of guy. But one day, one of my girlfriends told me she had feelings for him, and I immediately became jealous. I knew Tyler didn’t like her, but I was still jealous. That was the day I knew I liked him and wanted to be more than just friends.

Finally, our friendship developed into a relationship. I was never able to trust a soul the way I trusted Tyler. He wasn’t like your typical guy that would run off and tell everybody he knew a juicy secret of yours. No, Tyler wasn’t like that. He was sincere and filled with so much compassion. I couldn’t have asked for anything more from my boyfriend and best friend.

Whenever I had a problem, Tyler was always there to listen to my nagging, even if it did get extremely annoying. I was also always there for Tyler whenever he had something about his life to tell me. I didn’t mind listening to his problems. I knew his life wasn’t as good as I originally once thought. He’d tell me all sorts of things that were wrong with him, but the day he finally told me one of the main problems in his life was the day I knew he fully trusted me.

I didn’t know a lot about what Tyler went through with his family life. I knew that he had grown up with two sisters and a brother, all younger than him, and his mother had raised him ever since he could remember. He had a stepfather as well, but they never really talked to one another. His father wasn’t around that often though. I just assumed that it was hard for him to keep in touch with his father, so he hardly saw him. But then I learned that Tyler had made the choice to not see his dad that much. That’s when I realized that he never had the love of his father like a child should. His dad had always treated him with such cruelty. Every time Tyler was with his dad, he would beat him and hurt him to the point where he couldn’t even move at times.

Watching the words pour out of Tyler’s mouth when he told me how much his dad hurt him over the years brought tears to my eyes. I couldn’t think of what to say because I had never known someone that had gone through such agony at a young age. The only thing I could do was hold him in my arms and tell him that I would always be there for him no matter what happened. It was clear to me on that day that I could never imagine leaving his side.

Tyler had his days where he didn’t want to be around people and felt that he was worth nothing. His father always told him he would never amount to anything and made him feel like he should give up. I couldn’t bear seeing Tyler being so hard on himself, so I tried to help him see the good things that life had for him. He was loved by almost everyone he knew, and he hardly ever treated people with disrespect. He was honestly the most caring guy that I had ever met. He seemed to be nearly perfect. But that’s just it, it was all an illusion. His life only appeared to be wonderful.

Tyler did everything in his power to avoid making trips to see his father. He felt that he didn’t need to take time out of his life to visit with his dad if he didn’t care enough to take the time to visit with him or come watch Tyler perform in anything that he was involved in. Tyler also knew what would happen if he visited his father, and he didn’t need that kind of pain. It was hard convincing his mother at times to avoid seeing his dad since he hardly told his mom what went on whenever he saw him. But even if Tyler couldn’t convince his mother to not make him go, he handled it like a man and would go to see him.

I hated when Tyler had to go visit his dad because I was afraid of how badly hurt he would be when he’d get back. No matter what Tyler went through though, he kept his head up high and acted like nothing was wrong when he’d return.

I was always there for Tyler when he needed to talk to someone about his father. Someone to listen to him was all he needed, and I felt special knowing that he turned to me to talk about all of the troubles he endured with his dad. When he’d tell me all sorts of stuff about his dad, I could hear the hurt in his voice because all he ever wanted was a father that cared and loved him. Even if Tyler wanted nothing to do with his dad, he still loved him. He could never understand why his own father wouldn’t want to love him, and I was never able to give him the answer. The only thing I could give was my love, and that is what I did.

Tyler and I both had trust issues with people, but I never had a problem trusting him from day one. I could pour my heart out to him and never once would he look at me like I was being dumb about things. I always told myself that I wouldn’t let myself fall in love because I didn’t want to get hurt, but I couldn’t control everything.

The relationship between Tyler and I was something that was always complicated to me in my mind. We were dating, but he never made it official with the title that we were boyfriend and girlfriend. I always wanted the title, but I eventually just learned to be happy with what I did have with him. The only problem with the way our relationship status was that I felt like I wasn’t good enough for him to make things official, so I would second guess myself at times. Tyler was also the type of person that didn’t show how much he cared, but I knew that he did deep down. I grew content with Tyler not showing how much he cared because I realized that was just the person he was.

We had our ups and downs like any relationship would have. I hated fighting with him, but some of our fights were inevitable. We would eventually make it through our differences and our relationship became stronger every time. There was even a time I thought we were over for good. I tried everything in my power to get him back, but he resisted. That was the moment in my life that I realized I had fallen in love with Tyler. Loving somebody was the one thing I tried so hard to control and not let happen, but it had become out of my control. I knew I couldn’t go on without him by my side; I asked myself how could I lose the only person I had ever truly loved in the blink of an eye? But I didn’t lose him because he realized he couldn’t be without me either. Even though I knew I was in love with Tyler, I was never able to tell him. Instead, I kept going about things and telling myself that my love was all an illusion.

After that rough patch in our relationship, we had become the strongest and happiest we had ever been, or so that is how I felt. No matter what we did or who we were with, I was completely and truly happy because Tyler was a part of my life. I had never experienced the feeling of being truly happy until he had come into my life.

We started hanging out with big groups of people doing things that teenagers do. The group we hung out with had become fond of drinking and then going to abandoned houses to scare ourselves. It sure made for some interesting nights. But one of those nights ended up causing the worst breakup between Tyler and I that I think I could ever go through.

After we got done scaring ourselves at an abandoned house, Tyler and I had our friends drive us to Hy-Vee where we both decided to go inside and talk to an older friend of ours that was working the night shift. Our friend, Byron, could tell from the moment we started talking to him that we were not sober by any means. He was worried for Tyler because he was only fifteen and wasn’t supposed to be out past curfew or drinking. Byron didn’t say anything to us other than to be careful and get home safe, which we did. After a couple weeks passed, Byron made a phone call that caused a change in my life forever telling Tyler’s mother how Tyler and I came into the store past curfew drunk, and he was worried about Tyler’s safety. Tyler’s mom immediately got ahold of him and made him come home because he was no longer allowed to be around me. I remember the day so clearly because it hurt every part of me to watch him walk away, but he told me it would all be okay and to give him a hug. I knew deep down that there was no way it was going to be okay; I tried holding on to the hope that there could be a possibility that his mom would forgive me.

Once Tyler and his mother talked about it, he called and told me that his mom was no longer mad, and I didn’t lose him. But it was all too good to be true, not even a week had gone by until his mother decided he could no longer associate with me in any way, shape, or form. That was the day I died inside.

For a while, Tyler and I still saw each other as much as possible behind his mom’s back. There wasn’t a day that he didn’t argue with his mother about how he was going to hang around me no matter what she said. I tried ending it because it took a lot out of me, and I didn’t want to be the girl that caused him so much suffering. I told him to forget about it and that his mom could have her way, but he refused to have me give up on him. He promised me that he wouldn't give up on me, and he made me promise him to not give up on him. Since I loved Tyler so very much, I did just that, I stuck by his side and promised to not give up on him.

No matter how hard it was for us to see each other, I thought we would be able to come out on top of the situation. That wasn’t at all how it worked out however. Tyler’s mom had finally gotten the best of him to the point where he decided we no longer needed to see or speak to each other. He broke the promise he had made to me.

The night he ended things between us still feels like it was yesterday. He told me it was too hard on him to be with me because he could never leave his house and all he did was argue with his mom. Then, he proceeded to tell me that he didn’t want to be friends or enemies, but more so acquaintances. I couldn’t believe what he was telling me; two people that shared so much together going from spending every waking day with one another to nothing. There was nothing else for me to do in that moment other than cry to the point where I couldn’t cry anymore, and that was exactly what I did. I had hit rock bottom; I couldn’t do anything with myself. I couldn’t attend school, eat, sleep, or do any form of physical activity. I had never experienced a loss the way I lost Tyler. In a sense, I had lost my other half.

I realize now that I may have been selfish in the situation of losing him and complained a lot about how he hurt me, but he had been hurt as well. Even if it seemed like he didn’t want anything to do with me, it was all an act to make his mother happy. Unlike him, I didn’t have to go through constant battles with my mother to be with the person I cared so deeply about. I understand now that it was also hard for Tyler’s mom to deal with him choosing me over her. I never wanted to be the girl that a guy had to choose over another person, but I had become that girl. I just wanted to be there to love him with all I had, but there was no possible way that could happen. The last thing I wanted for Tyler was to be unhappy. But as long as he tried being with me, all he would’ve been was completely miserable. Knowing that I was the girl that caused him suffering was hard for me to handle.

After the break up, weeks went by without us saying a word to one another. I couldn’t believe that it had finally happened; his mother had won the battle. He no longer shared his life with me. I wanted nothing more than to run to him and breakdown in his arms and have him tell me it would all be okay, just like he had always done when I was upset. That wasn’t how it was anymore though; I was alone. The one person I trusted with my life was gone and no longer there to comfort me.

Then the worst happened. On the day of my graduation party, I took a pregnancy test; the results turned out to be positive. I sat down on the floor and stared off into space in complete and utter shock. I didn’t think anything could be any worse than losing Tyler, but obviously I was wrong. Nothing could’ve been worse than losing Tyler AND being pregnant with his baby. There was no way I could tell him because we weren’t speaking to one another, and I knew that his mother would disown him if she found out he got me pregnant. I so badly wanted to turn to Tyler for comfort in that time of need, but there was no hope for that.

I thought about keeping the baby and never telling Tyler it was his, but there would’ve been no way of convincing him it was somebody else’s baby. I was always a person against the idea of abortions, but in that moment, it seemed the only thing to do. I thought things through in my head about what my life would end up like and the life of the child. I didn’t want to have a kid and not have the father around to help raise it; that wasn’t fair to the kid. But what made me go through with an abortion was the simple fact that I knew Tyler would’ve been sent to live with his dad if I would’ve had the baby, and I wasn’t about to let that happen to him. So I went to Planned Parenthood and got an abortion and never told Tyler what had been going on.

I always loved kids, and I wanted so badly to have that baby. I knew I wasn’t ready to be a mother, but that baby was something that was part of me. I would’ve loved that baby and cared for him/her with every ounce of my body. Looking back on what I did, I know it was the right thing. I just can’t help but wish that I would’ve made a different choice at times. I would cry myself to sleep after the abortion happened because I felt so guilty, but I couldn’t dwell on what was already done.

I had to pull myself together and try and go on. Every single one of my friends tried helping me through the break up, but it didn’t help all that much because I was too heartbroken. I pushed myself away from most people. I avoided most social events because I was extremely depressed, and I knew I would just bring the mood down. But all the senior girl’s finally convinced me to come spend the last night of being a senior with them. That was the night Tyler had sent me an e-mail. The e-mail consisted of the lyrics to the song “Cold” by Crossfade. He also said how sorry he was for what happened and that he couldn’t go on not talking to me. Instantly, I was in a better mood because I thought things were looking up and things would work out for the better. Once again, that was just wishful thinking.

For a while, we kept seeing each other whenever we could. But whenever we were around each other, things weren’t the same by any means. I wanted the relationship, but he just wanted a friendship. He said there was no way a relationship could work, so I should just be content with a friendship. I knew he was putting a lot on the line for just having that friendship, but for some reason, that friendship wasn’t enough for me. I wanted it all because I loved him so very much, and I wanted to share that love with him.

He started to grow distant from me, and all I wanted him to do was comfort me because I was hurting so bad deep down inside. I wanted to have some time alone with him to tell him about my abortion, but he just thought I was acting like a big baby about our break up and didn’t bother trying to figure out what was wrong with me. The time finally came when one of my friends told him about the abortion. He felt so unbelievably terrible for how he had been treating me. I thought he had wised up after that and wouldn’t be so rude to me, but inevitably, I would be proved wrong.

My friend Amber tried helping me get back together with him, or so that’s what I thought she was doing. I knew Amber and Tyler had grown to be pretty close, but I never once thought they would be so close to the point where they would date. But that’s what happened, Amber broke it off with her boyfriend of 2 ½ years and started dating Tyler. I felt so betrayed; all the time I was running to Amber about my problems of not being with Tyler, she was going behind my back trying to have him for herself. I couldn’t believe that she was the same person that told me Tyler wasn’t worth it and he was just a kid, but yet he was worth it to her. I lost all respect for Amber and Tyler and refused to speak to either of them. Neither of them seemed bothered by the fact that I wasn’t around anymore because I was just a party pooper all the time to them anyway.

As their relationship went on, people would tell me all sorts of mean things Tyler said about me. Any rude thing he could’ve possibly thought of to say, he did. Every time I heard something mean he said about me, I cried. I couldn’t believe the things I heard he was saying about me. I never once would’ve said anything rude about him the way he did about me. But finally, I started saying rude things to help me get over him. It seemed like the Tyler I fell in love with was gone for good, so I thought I was over him.

A little over a month had gone by that Tyler and I hadn’t spoken. I had carried on with my life, and he had carried on with his life. I thought we would never speak again, but late one night when I was sitting at home, he totally surprised me by sending me text message trying to talk to me. I couldn’t help but respond. He told me that he never stopped caring about me and he knew he had been an ass about things and was sorry. He also said that he didn’t see his relationship with Amber lasting much longer. The things he said to me made me feel a lot better, but they didn’t by any means heal all the pain he had caused me. I had been telling myself for so long that I hated Tyler so much for hurting me in so many ways, but I knew that I still loved him deep down; there was no denying it.

Shortly after he sent me those text messages, Amber and he broke up, and we started our friendship over. Oddly enough, we were able to talk to one another like nothing had ever gone wrong between us. The Tyler I knew had come back into my life, and I was extremely grateful for that. My want and need for a relationship between us had resurfaced. Our time spent together was short lived however. We had finally started talking again, but I had to go away to college 3 ½ hours away.

Once I got to college, I wanted nothing more than to have him up there with me. But then I thought that this would finally give me a chance to get over him. We would be miles away from one another. I thought it would be easy since we couldn’t talk on the phone or on the computer, but it wasn’t as easy as it sounded.

I went back home almost every weekend, and all of my friends were his friends, so of course I saw him. At first we got along really well and partied and talked about all sorts of things. Labor Day weekend was when he finally came clean and told me a lot of how he felt about our break up and what his relationship was like with Amber. All the nasty things he had said about me in the past were his way of getting over me is what he told me. After that weekend of putting a lot of how we both felt out on the table of discussion, I felt that we had made a new start and would grow closer again. It worked out that way only for a short while.

It wasn’t long before Tyler started saying mean things about me again; the things he said weren’t nearly as bad as they were in the past, but they were bad enough to hurt me all over again. I couldn’t believe that it was happening again. I thought Tyler had changed for the better, but he was very good at being deceiving. I felt like such an idiot because I had fallen into his trap to make me not be mad at him. How could he do this to someone he supposedly cared so much about? No matter how hurt I was, I pretended like I didn’t know any of the things he was saying about me and tried putting on a happy face. I wasn’t the nicest to him at times, and he would look at me like I was overreacting about things. I never understood why he could get mad at me for being mean when he knew damn well he said mean things that would give me every right to be so angry with him.

I put up with him hurting my feelings for so long because my heart wanted so badly to be with him. In my head, I knew that letting go was what I needed to do, but I couldn’t go through with it. I was constantly battling between my head and heart on what to do. I gave my heart away to him long ago, and there was no getting it back. I would’ve done everything for him because that’s how much I truly and deeply cared.

Finally, I came to my senses, and I started the process of letting go again. Naturally I would complain to a few of my close friends about all the things that pissed me off about Tyler to help in the process of letting go. I even made up stupid reasons in my head to try and despise him. I stopped going home as much and started seeing another guy (even though that was short lived). I felt like I had won the battle between my head and heart and finally let go. I was somewhat happy again, not truly happy like I was when Tyler and I were together, but happy.

Tyler and I stopped talking to each other altogether, so I hardly knew what was going on in his life. A good friend of mine from back home had told me that Tyler’s dad developed a drug problem and had nowhere to live and was nowhere to be found. I couldn’t help but feel bad for Tyler since I knew how much he wanted his father around and to love him, but my involvement in Tyler’s life was something of the past. I had to go on with my life and forget about Tyler’s wants and needs, so I did. There were days that I still wondered how he was handling things with his dad, but there was nothing for me to do. My life without Tyler carried on.

Then December 12th rolled around; the day of my birthday. The day had been pretty terrible because I had to take two of my hardest finals. I didn’t get to celebrate my birthday because everybody was busy studying. I was sitting in my friend’s dorm room studying as well when I received a text message from Tyler saying that he knew I probably didn’t want to hear from him, but happy birthday. My jaw dropped, and I was speechless. Of all people, Tyler remembered my birthday and was man enough to say something to me about it. It was obvious that he must have still cared in some sense if he was nice enough to do that. It was hard for me to concentrate on the rest of my finals after that because my mind was constantly racing with thoughts of him. All my hard work in letting go hadn’t paid off after all. It was finally clear to me that you couldn’t force your heart to not love somebody.

Finals week had finally ended, and it was time for Christmas break. I had decided to move back home for a semester to take the semester off because I was really stressed, so I didn’t return to college after break. This obviously meant I would probably be seeing a lot of Tyler. We gradually started talking once again, but I tried to not let myself open up as much this time around because I had lost a lot of trust in him after all the times he had brought me down. I still wanted to be able to talk to him though. There was no way I could go on not talking to him because in my heart he was the love of my life.

As the break went on, we spent a lot of time together, and it was quite enjoyable. I started to trust Tyler with my life all over again. One night, I broke down and the moment had finally come where I spoke the words to him about how I was truly in love with him, and how I didn’t think it would ever change. I didn’t feel awkward after telling him because that was how I felt, and I couldn’t deny it any longer. There may have been times when I felt like I was over Tyler and wanted nothing to do with him, but I was just fooling myself. The Tyler I loved I thought had disappeared, but he had been there all along. He had just put up a front towards me for so long. Nothing had ever been more clear to me than my love for Tyler Hill.

After I told him about my love for him, I thought he would start acting weird around me. He didn’t act any different though. He went about things as if nothing was ever said. He even started opening up more about his feelings about certain things, and I became one of his really good friends. I still never fully found out how he felt about me because he was never the type of guy to share his emotions, so I still wonder to this day how he felt deep inside.

It was still in the back of my mind about what happened with his father, and one night my question was finally answered without me even bothering to ask. Tyler opened up to me once again about his father, and I was there for him to talk to like I told him I always would be. He told me that his dad had started over his life and had a new girlfriend who had a son of her own, which he decided to adopt. When Tyler asked why he would want that son and not his own biological son to love, I could see all the hurt that he had in his eyes. There was no way for me to answer that question because I couldn’t understand why somebody wouldn’t want to love Tyler. I had tried for so long to not love him, but he was too great of a guy to not love. Even though Tyler hated his dad for so many reasons, he still loved him because he was his father.

The whole time I was fighting for the love of Tyler, he was fighting for the love of his father. I fell even more in love with Tyler after that night when he told me about his dad. I didn’t know how the relationship between he and his father would end up (and still don’t), but I did know that he deserved someone to truly love him. I wanted so bad for that someone to be me, but you can’t always get what you want.

To this day, I still love Tyler with every part of me; there is no doubt in my mind. I will always want to be with him and show him how much I love him, but who knows if that is how it will end up. We have become really close friends. Out of the two people that I completely trust, he is one of them oddly enough. I don’t know if this time around everything will have a good ending to it, but that’s what loving someone is all about: dealing with all the obstacles love puts out there. I hope that things between Tyler and his father can eventually be good, but I can’t say that they will be. I can say that no matter how bad things may get between the both of us, I will always be there for him when he feels there’s no one he can turn to. That’s a promise.

The only thing I do know for sure is that all a person can do is live his/her life and see where it takes him/her. And don’t be afraid to love or hold back loving someone like I tried so hard to do. Even when it hurts, love is one of the greatest gifts life has to offer.