The Ateismo and Fe Dilemma

The Ateismo and Fé Dilemma

Going to college nearly 1,000 miles from home is not the easiest thing to do. No matter how many times you tell yourself that you are sick and tired of seeing the same boring people day after day, it doesn’t make it any easier to leave when the time finally arrives. And so there I was, feeling terrified on the inside but reiterating to everybody that I couldn’t wait to leave my uninspiring town. Rhode Island doesn’t give students many options in the higher education field anyhow, so I was almost forced to look elsewhere. I set my sights on Elon University in North Carolina and arrived there late in the summer of 2002.

With such a drastic environment change, making friends can be a complicated process. Popular belief states that everybody is in the same boat that you’re in, but that is simply not the case. Most kids know someone from their high school or hometown that is going to college with them. This makes things much easier. I, on the other hand, did not know a soul. Early on in the school year, I thought I had made a huge mistake by going to college so far from Rhode Island. I missed my parents, I missed my friends, and I desperately missed the one thing I used to hate; the monotony and familiarity of home. When year after year goes by of seeing the same people, traveling the same roads and going to the same friends’ houses, you become intensely comfortable in the setting. When the time comes for transition to a new place, many people don’t take it well, and that is what leads to the feeling of being homesick. I never thought I would feel this way, but the truth was clear: I was extremely homesick.

A new daily routine was setting in, and as much as I didn’t like it, there was no way around it. I didn’t have many friends and I didn’t go to many parties. I usually slept until twenty minutes before class, attended, came back and slept some more, then went to the gym which was followed by dinner. I finally came back to the dorm, showered, did my homework, and went to bed. Day after day I did this for much of the first semester. In the past, I had heard many people stake the claim that college was the best four years of their life. Obviously they had experienced something utterly different during their quest for higher education than I was experiencing.

I kept telling myself that things would eventually get better. I knew I couldn’t transfer again, because all my friends were spread out instead of at just one school. It was time to grow up and face the realities of life. All things change, and all good things must come to an end. It’s just a question of whether or not you can handle the bad news when you come face to face with it. For some reason I chose to take a religion class during that first semester. I guess I thought it would be good class since I had taken a religion course during my short stint at a private Catholic high school. Surprisingly, I had actually done quite well in it. Along with the religion class, I was taking a class that focused on Darwin’s theory of evolution which, unlike many students, I found extremely interesting. During those first few weeks of school, I found it exhilarating to compare the ideas and beliefs I learned about in the religion class with the ideas and theories that I came across in the Darwin class. It was pretty much the only thing that helped me survive during that early period. Contrary to popular belief, isolation is not a completely bad thing if, and only if, you have something to occupy yourself with.

Without many friends and hardly any parties to attend, I was forced to concentrate on my studies. I reiterated to myself again and again that I might as well get good grades, because I definitely wasn’t doing well in other aspects of my life. So I studied and read, went to all my classes, and did all my work. For the first time in my life, I was actually putting in extra effort to achieve something, and that did make me feel good. But the truth of the matter was that I was still lonely and sad. A few times I even prayed to God, as silly as that sounds, hoping that he would shed some light on my darkening life. No matter how hard I tried to stay positive, things just weren’t getting any better.

Earlier in my life, I had an experience much like the one I was having at college. After 8th grade graduation, the only thing my friends could talk about was how much fun they were going to have at high school the following year. I sat and listened to them, all the while having a counterfeit smile glued on my face. Unfortunately for me, freshman year would begin by making the move to a private Catholic school. For some unbeknownst reason to me, my parents felt it necessary that I was either in need of some firm discipline or some lessons in life from those who claimed to know it best: the religious folk. I wouldn’t say I hated my parents for their decision to separate me from my friends, but a strong case can be made that I was not the nicest son to them during that summer.

Freshman year of high school began and I was as miserable as I’ve ever been in my entire life. I learned quickly from my fellow classmates that there were some standards and regulations for getting into such a reputable school. The first is that you must be very wealthy. The second is that you must either be completely stuck-up or just down right mean. The third, and far least important, is that you must be the slightest bit intelligent. However, if it came down to it, I’m sure the school would accept even the dimmest of students if their parents were willing to fork over the tuition money. So that was the situation I was stuck in; surrounded by kids who had been fed with a silver spoon their entire lives. Many of these kids also enjoyed making other children cry by hitting them with that same silver spoon. Of course, this might be a bit of an exaggeration on my part, but it was a bad situation nonetheless.

Whenever I was with my friends, all I could do was sit back and listen to them talk and laugh about moments that had happened in school. I was missing out on the best times of childhood, where innocence and carefree attitudes reign supreme. Each time I was with them, I had to hold back tears because on the inside, there was a fear that my life was being ruined. It’s surprising how much you miss your friends when you don’t hang out with them everyday. As the old saying goes, you don’t truly realize what you have until it’s gone. I found that to be painfully true at too early an age.

I hated that school with a burning passion. Although I was nowhere near religious, I still associated myself with Protestants and believed what they believed. The way the school forced the teachings and beliefs of the Catholic religion on its students made me sick. Many times during the short period I was there, students were obligated to attend mandatory mass during school hours. I vividly remember one teacher explaining to our class that the school actually expelled one student for putting the “Body of Christ” in his locker after communion following one of the mandatory masses. It was against the student’s beliefs to put the small wafer of grain into his mouth, but the school would have none of it. Stories like that only strengthened my disdain for the school. I often contemplated getting expelled from the school on purpose so that I could rejoin my friends in my town’s public high school, but I never got up the courage to try anything.

Finally, after two grueling and tortuous quarters, my parents let me transfer to the public high school and reunite with my friends. I told myself that I would move on from that horrible experience at the private school, and never think about it again. It wasn’t until later on that I would discover the profound impact the experience would have on my life.

One of the few friends I had at Elon was a Spanish exchange student named Ateismo. He spoke English very well for having lived in Spain his entire life, and I discovered quickly that we had much in common. Ateismo liked the same music as me, shared the same hobbies and even liked the same sports teams as I did. It was as if we were twins. I met Ateismo on the first day of classes. He sat next to me in the Darwin class, and we immediately became friends. Maybe it was the fact that outcasts are usually drawn to one another, or maybe it was just fate, but whatever the case was, we would soon become best friends. Being that Ateismo was my only true friend at Elon, we were nearly inseparable during that first semester. He had an extremely carefree attitude toward life, and I often wondered if it was due to him being brought up in Spain. Ateismo and I did have some varying beliefs on life itself, but that’s only natural.

Right around midterms, a series of events unfolded in my life that would bring about some radical changes. It was all set off by an argument Ateismo and I had one night. Being the outsiders we were, it was ordinary to find me in Ateismo’s room, or vise versa. It was a Thursday night and I was in my room studying for my religion midterm scheduled for ten o’clock the following morning. Ateismo was playing a video game, being rather loud and obnoxious, but I didn’t really mind because I found the material quite easy to understand. He paused the game, and threw the controller at me. “Hey man, why are you studying that stuff anyway?” he asked. “Don’t you know it’s all hearsay?”

“What the hell are you talking about?” I asked angrily. “Religion is the single thread that holds all people together. Without religion, there would be chaos. I’m not even religious and I know that.”

Ateismo fell off the futon laughing hysterically. “Are you telling me you believe all that gossip? You need to be reeducated my friend.”

“Alright then,” I yelled. “If you think you’re such a smart guy, tell me your feelings on religion.”

Now, up until the current moment, neither Ateismo nor myself had gone into deep conversation about feelings on life or religion, so this was a major journey we were about to embark on.

Ateismo got off the floor with a curious look on his face, and sat back down on the futon. He thought for just a moment, and then he was ready to go.

“Well these are my beliefs,” he began. “Haven’t you ever noticed how people are so infatuated with the idea of immortality?”

“Yup,” I answered.

“Well, I think that many people are very uncomfortable with the thought of death, so they feel it necessary to believe in and hold on to something in order to feel more secure about it. This is where religion comes in. People cling to the thought of an after-life, because it comforts them. And nobody actually believes that they’re going to go to hell, so when you boil it down, people feel secure thinking that they, in essence, will live forever.”

“That explains your thoughts on death,” I said. “But it still doesn’t explain the small matter of a higher being.”

“I can answer that very simply,” he quickly answered. “Just look at our course material. Darwin’s theory of evolution is so exact and it makes so much sense scientifically. We evolved to what we are now. God didn’t just put us here. I mean, I accept other people’s beliefs, but I personally believe something different.”

Ateismo’s thoughts on the matter angered me. Although I wasn’t religious, his talks of there not being an afterlife or a God made me uncomfortable. He left after the brief argument, and once again, I was left to my own thoughts. Why had his comments made me so uncomfortable? As I lay in bed that night, Ateismo’s words ran laps around my head. I repeatedly asked myself if there was, in fact, a God, and a heaven and hell. Again and again, I reassured myself that Ateismo had no clue what he was talking about, and finally fell asleep.

My alarm clock attempted to wake me up at nine the following morning, but thanks to the snooze button, I was able to win the battle. A quarter past nine rolled around, and again the alarm’s insufferable blare pounded against the inside of my skull. But it was to no avail. Without even lifting my face from the pillow, I reached over, located the snooze button, and made the room silent once again. I never claimed to be much of a morning person. As sure as the sun will rise, fifteen minutes later I found myself repeating the same exact exercise; the old one arm reach and button push. Through my zombie-like early morning behavior, my mind had not yet reached the point of thinking clearly. I fell back to sleep once more, and had a dream about taking an exam. The next thing I knew, the alarm went off again. Time to get up already!? I groggily peered at my clock, and that’s when I finally woke up. 9:45!? My mind raced and I vaguely remembered pushing the snooze button three separate times. I hurriedly got dressed, brushed my teeth, and flew out of my room like a lightning bolt. I now had a mere ten minutes to get across campus. So I sprinted all the way to class and reached the door just as my professor, Dr. Harris, was closing it.

“Ah, glad you could join us,” he said with a smirk.

I looked with disappointment to find that my seat in the back corner was already occupied. The only seat left in the entire class was smack-dab in the front row. To my surprise, however, there was a cute girl sitting in the seat next to the empty one.

“Well,” I thought to myself. “Not all is lost.”
I sat down in the empty seat and made eye contact with the girl for just long enough to catch a tiny smile from her. This made me smile, until I realized that I had forgotten to bring a pen for the exam. I thought about it for a second then hesitantly leaned towards the girl.

“Hey, do you have an extra pen I could borrow for the exam?” I asked, trying to sound a little desperate.

“You’re havin’ a tough day, huh?” she replied with a tender southern accent. “I think I might actually have one, hold on a second.”

She rummaged around in her book bag for a few seconds then pulled out a replica of the pen she was using. It was black with gold letters engraved on it.

“Here ya go,” she said with a smile. “These pens will bring both of us good luck I hope. They have my name in Portuguese on it. I got them when I was on vacation with my family in Portugal over the summer.”

I smiled, and the conversation ended. I looked down on the pen and read the letters on it: Fé
I assumed that the name on the pen meant Fay in English, but before I had a chance to think about it, the exam was on my desk. I would have finished the exam much quicker but Ateismo’s words concerning religion would not get out of my head. No matter how hard I tried, I could not stop thinking about the fact that there might not be a God after all. He had planted a seed in my mind, and seeds inevitably grow or die. This seed was growing. With all my thoughts surrounding religion and the questions on the exam, I didn’t even notice Fé get up and leave the room. She had already finished the exam, the first in the class to do so by far. I felt bad that I still had her pen, but there was nothing I could do. I finished the exam, and headed back to my dorm room.

I was finished with school until Monday. For most college kids, this would mean three straight nights of hardcore partying. But that wasn’t the case for me. Instead, I sat around for the majority of the time. I wrote a few short stories and played some video games to try and take my mind off the loneliness. Ateismo and I still weren’t on good terms because of the little argument we had. It would take a few more days to smooth out, so that meant I had nobody to hang out with but myself. Of course, the more time you spend alone, the more time you have to think about things. For some reason, I was naturally drawn to Ateismo’s beliefs. He had some viable points in his ramblings. But as soon as I began to accept his beliefs, I questioned myself again. How can something you’ve been around your entire life and learned about for years be untrue? My thinking went on like this for hours. There was a fierce battle taking place inside my head. Were my traditional beliefs the correct ones, or were Ateismo’s unpopular but rational beliefs the truth? I discovered it was a battle that could not be easily won by either side.

Monday morning arrived and I was running late for my religion class again. I wasn’t sure if this was just poor planning on my part, or a sub-conscious effort to sit next to Fé again. Whatever it was, I had to sprint to class for a second straight time. In the past, I wouldn’t have expected the seat next to her to be open again, but lately I had a more optimistic feeling on life. To my delight, I walked into the classroom and the seat next to Fé was empty. I sat down in it and shot a smile in her direction. Normally, being the shy person that I am, I probably wouldn’t have done that. Something instinctive led me to do it. I did not know a single thing about this girl, but I could already tell that there was something special about her.

Dr. Harris handed back our midterm exams at the beginning of class. I got mine back and saw a large 94 written at the top of the paper in red ink. Below the grade, Dr. Harris had written me a short note.

“You seem to enjoy religion, and you obviously know it inside and out. Maybe a higher power is helping you out (ha-ha). Keep up the good work!”

I laughed to myself at the thought that God actually had something to do with my success on the exam.

A few seconds later, Fé got her test back.

“Hey! I got a 94 too!” she excitedly told me. “That must be fate or something, huh?”

“Yeah, I guess so,” were the only words I could muster up. At least I smiled when I said it. “Why am I so shy around this girl?” I wondered to myself.

I remembered that I still had her pen in my backpack and reached in my bag to locate it. “Thanks for letting me use your pen,” I said as I reached across the aisle to hand it to her. She reached over to grab it but the pen fell to the floor. Like something straight out of a comedy, we both leaned over to pick up the pen at the same time and hit our heads.

“Ouch,” she winced with a half grimace, half smile on her face. “I guess these pens aren’t that lucky after all.”

Never before had I been drawn to an individual like I was to Fé. I still had no idea what her name in English was, but that didn’t bother me a bit. I knew that we were meant for each other. Even the fact that we were sitting in the front row, in plain sight of Dr. Harris, didn’t stop us from passing notes to one another. It made me feel as if I was in high school again.

So, what’s your name… in English? ha-ha

Faith. What’s yours?

Chris. Are you a freshman too?

Yeah. Where are you from?

Rhode Island. What about you?

I’m from North Carolina… just outside of Charlotte.

The note passing continued throughout the remainder of class. I thought it interesting that you can find out so much about a person without even saying a word to them. After class, I asked Faith if she would join me for lunch. She accepted.

Before long, I was spending almost all of my time with Faith. I felt bad ditching Ateismo, my best friend, for a girl, but I figured it was for the best. Naturally, he didn’t seem to think so and we had numerous arguments about her. Women can have so much influence over men. Faith and I quickly became a couple. We were inseparable, just like me and my best friend used to be.

Faith and I went to movies together, did homework together, studied together… you name it, we did it together. She wasn’t only my girlfriend; she had become my best friend. I could go to her whenever I needed advice, whenever I was having family issues, just anytime I needed somebody for support. And I loved her for that. I tried to be there for her like she was there for me, but I just wasn’t very good at it, and she understood that. I saw less and less of Ateismo as the days went by. It bothered me on the inside that I had abandoned my best friend, but I never told anybody, especially not Faith.

My life, it seemed, had finally turned around. I still didn’t have many friends, but that didn’t matter a bit. I had Faith. She was everything I needed.

But then, towards the end of my first semester at Elon, things began to go downhill at an alarming rate. Faith and I were in her room one night studying for our religion final. I wasn’t really paying that much attention because the material was so easy for me. As she reviewed page after page of notes, I sat there staring at the cross dangling from her necklace. Ateismo’s words about religion unexpectedly popped into my mind.

“Hey, what are your feelings on religion?” I asked her.

For all the time we had spent together, we never really discussed religion very deeply and I still had no idea how she felt about it.

“Well if the cross on my necklace doesn’t give it away, I am very religious,” she laughed. “Come on, I was brought up in the Bible Belt of America, what do you expect?”

I thought to myself for a second. “I was just thinking about one of my friend’s beliefs. He doesn’t believe in God, or heaven or hell or any of that stuff. What do you think about that?”

She sat there with a strange look on her face. Then her cheeks began to get red, and I could tell she was angered by Ateismo’s beliefs.

“Personally, I think he’s an idiot,” she stated. “How could there be no God?! How the hell would we have gotten here if there was no God?”

She wasn’t actually asking me these questions, or at least I didn’t think so. I assumed they were more on the rhetorical side. I enjoyed my position as Devil’s advocate in the conversation.

“He did bring up some pretty good points when he explained it to me,” I said.

This made Faith even more irate. I couldn’t understand why she was getting so upset. I was not overzealous, but I did have some religion in my life, and Ateismo’s beliefs didn’t make me this angry.

“Well if you think that, you’re an idiot too!” she exclaimed. “I need to get this studying done, so could you please leave?”

“Are you serious?” I asked. “Why are you so offended by another person’s beliefs?”

“I’m mad because anybody who claims that there is no God is moronic. For you to even say he made good points when he explained it to you makes me think so much less of you.”

Her words sliced through my heart. How could another person’s beliefs, not even my own, have made her angry enough to say such hurtful things. I stormed out of the room and slammed the door shut. As I walked through campus breathing in the cold, crisp air of the North Carolina winter night, I suddenly realized that I was now completely alone. I had abandoned Ateismo, and Faith had abandoned me.

Later that night, I tried calling both Ateismo and Faith. Ateismo picked up, and I apologized for being such a terrible friend. He accepted my apology and just like that we were back to normal. Faith, on the other hand, ignored my calls.

The next day, Faith had gotten to religion class much earlier than she usually did and she picked a seat in the back of the class. I was left to sit in the front of the class by myself. After class had ended, I was finally able to speak to her.

“Are you still mad at me or something?” I asked.

“No, I’m not really mad, just disappointed I guess. But I am willing to give you another chance. We can stay together only if you promise never to talk to that kid again.”

Her words stunned me.

“So you don’t want me to talk to my best friend ever again, just because of what his religious beliefs are?”

“That’s right,” she said. “I don’t want my boyfriend hanging around with such a blasphemous soul. We all know there’s a God.”

“Explain we,” I said in a cold voice. I was becoming more and more agitated with Faith. I had never seen this side of her, and it very irritating.

“Everybody!” she shouted. “Religion is necessary for people to live. We must have something to believe in!”

“Ateismo believes in something too. Just because it’s not the same thing as you doesn’t mean he’s wrong and you’re right.”

With that, she quieted down.

“Listen,” she said. “You’re going to have to pick one of us. That’s all there is to it.”

All of the pressure and anxiety in my head was now coming full circle. I was in one of the most difficult positions a person could ever be in. I had to choose between my best friend in the world and the girl I loved. This was not the girl I fell in love with though. Our talk of religion had set something off inside her, and she had become assertive. She thoroughly believed that her beliefs were the truth, and all other thoughts on the matter were just brainless. She just wasn’t accepting of other people’s beliefs.

“This isn’t easy for me to do, Faith. But I have to pick my best friend. Something about you has changed and you’re not the same girl I fell in love with. I’m sorry.”

I walked out of the building, and left Faith standing alone inside. I took my cell phone out of my pocket and dialed Ateismo.

“Hey man, what are you doing?” I asked.

“Not much, I was just about to stop by your room to drop off some notes for you to study. You didn’t forget about our Darwin exam on Thursday, did you?”

“Nah,” I answered. “How could I forget the theory of evolution?” I asked with a laugh. “That’s how we got to where we are today. I’ll see you in a few minutes.”

When I got back to my room, Ateismo was already sitting inside playing a video game. He got up when I came in and we slapped hands.

“Alright, there are the notes,” he said, pointing to the pile of papers on my desk. “I’ll need those back by tomorrow. I need to go start some laundry though, so I’ll talk to you later on tonight.”

As he was walking out the door, a curious spark ignited in my head.

“Hey man, this may sound random, but does your name mean anything in English?”

“Yeah,” he answered. “Ateismo means atheism in English. I’ll talk to you later.”

He closed the door and the room filled with silence. Again, I was left alone with only my thoughts to keep me company. A smile crept onto my face as I sat there thinking.

So in the end, I guess this means I chose atheism over Faith. Crazy how the world works.

I laughed to myself and began reviewing Ateismo’s notes about the theory of evolution and how humans came to be.