Swimming With Alligators

"They can smell women's privates, you know. Men." Mom kneaded the pizza dough with practiced punches. "Once you hit puberty, they know." She slapped it down on the counter, looking at me sideways.

"Oh, Mom. No they can't. Human beings lost that ability a long time ago. Like, when we stopped questing for fire?"

I opened up cabinets, scanning the glassware, the stacks of plates. No plastic cups.
"Do you have any plastic cups? I don't like the can."

"Suze, have you started your cycles, yet?" Her eyes were on me, boring into me.

"Do we have to talk about it? I talked to Kathy about it already."

"Oh. Well, then. There's no need, is there?" She returned to beating the dough.

"Will that be done soon? I like putting on the pepperonis."

Her eyes teared up, her mouth scrunched in a tight moue, as if she was keeping in something bitter. She started to breathe through her nose, sniffling, her fingernails tearing into the dough like claws, and I knew we weren't having pizza for dinner.

"Aw, Mom. Please don't." I opened another cabinet, pretending to look for tomato sauce. Or parmesan. Anything. "What's wrong?"

She picked up the ruined dough and threw it against the kitchen wall, her hair falling halfway out of its bun, strands wet in her mouth as she erupted.

"I've done everything for you. You don't care. You've never cared, you little bitch!"

Her hot breath made me want to sneeze, but I couldn't. Not until after. She'd dug her nails into the meat of my arms, holding me hostage to her upset. She shook me, trying to grind the intensity of her pain into me, so I'd understand. She always wanted me to understand.

"Don't you see, baby?" Now, her hands were shaking, stroking my face, getting dough in my hair. I felt some sticking to the side of my face. "I just want you to understand how I feel. I love you so much. So much." She held me close, squeezing, and rocking. She wouldn't stop until I said it.

"I love you too, Mom."

She let me go, and I left for the bathroom, wiping the flour off of me. I examined the marks on my arms. I could hear her crying, still in the kitchen.

These visits were getting harder.

# # #

We were laughing, the three of us, eating dinner on the living room floor, using the coffee table. She'd said it was exotic. A new word, which sounded exciting. From someplace else. We had steaks, my mom, my big brother and I, with baked potatoes. They were making fun, joking. I was too young to understand, they said. I understood. I just didn't see what was so funny about mushrooms.

"What's so funny about mushrooms?"

They burst into fresh snorts of laughter, looking at each other that way. I hated that. I forked my brother's steak, jumped up and ran onto the front
balcony. Tossed it over. The silence held for a moment, and then Mom started to laugh so hard she jumped up for the bathroom.

"Christ, I'm gonna piss myself," she cackled from the other room. "Suzie, the look on your face. God, I could eat it up."

Daniel just looked at me and scowled. "She's gonna make us miss the plane tomorrow. You know that, right?"

"We have tickets, Danny. She can't do that. Dad'll be waiting."

He smirked. "Think she cares? She hates him. Wants us to stay."

I thought about my friends back home. About Dad. About the pony she'd promised me, if I stayed.

"What do you want to do?" Big brothers know everything.

"Hell, I'm not staying here. She's nuts, Suze. Don't you know that?"

"She's not!" I swung at him, missed. I tried to shove him but he wouldn't move. "I love her!"

"Oh, yeah? Remember Sweetie?" His eyes looked stark, not angry.

# # #

I was so little I could still crawl under the dining room table and chairs, and I did, following our kitten as she explored her new home. Little tail up, eyes bright. I loved her. Wanted to touch her, hold her like a baby.

"Suzie, leave her alone for a little while. Let her get used to us."

"Okay, Mommy." I sat still, just watching. She inched a little further away, crouching as my brother walked by with his big, clompy sneakers. I crept closer, not to touch. I just wanted to see. Just wanted to clean that bit of fuzz off her fur.

"Suzanne! What did I say?" Mom stood up from the sofa, from her show.

"I was..."

"Come out from there. You're scaring the kitten." She sat back down, slowly. "Come sit with me."

I crawled out, careful not to scare Sweetie. The perfect name, I thought. Got a juice, sat down on the floor next to Mommy. I Love Lucy was on. At the commercial, I got up to go to the bathroom and saw Sweetie when I came out. It's been a long time. At least ten minutes. It's okay to pet her a little. I held her in my lap, her pink ears see-through, almost. Her kitten fur smelled so good. And she purred. I loved her.

Mommy came around the corner to the hallway, and saw us. She stopped cold. She hadn't said anything, but I started to cry. I was bad, I knew. I was in big trouble. She knelt down, and took Sweetie, looking me in the eyes. She stood up.

"Let's go, you two. We're taking a drive."

I was scared. "Can I hold Sweetie?"

She was mad. Didn't say anything. Daniel came out from his bedroom, asked what happened.

"This filthy creature has to go. There's something wrong with it."

"Mom? Whaddya mean? There's nothing--"

"Daniel, in the fucking car. Now."

I was crying, Daniel was quiet in the front seat. Mom started up her 1974 Toyota, and we rode off into the evening. We drove to the bayou, the park where we went most Sundays to play. There was Spanish moss on the trees, and lots of cicadas, slurring their chirping. They always sounded like they'd been drinking wine, to me. I loved playing with the moss, making wigs, stuffing it down my shirt and pretending I had boobs, or was fat. And there were jungle gyms, too. And the bayou. With alligators, some people said.

Except, we didn't go in. We stopped on the side of the road. Mommy gave me Sweetie, and told me to jump out.

"Mommy? Please, Mommy. I'll be good. I won't pet Sweetie anymore, I promise." I sobbed into her fur. Held her for comfort. She gripped me with her baby claws, and I didn't mind even though they pricked. "Please, Mommy."

"Don't be silly, Suzanne. You've got to learn responsibility. Put Sweetie down, let her fend for herself. Don't worry. Kittens are animals, and they know how to live in the wild. She'll be fine. I promise."

Daniel wouldn't look at me. He stayed quiet. I didn't want to. I didn't want to. I couldn't just leave her, why didn't Mommy know that? What if she got hurt? Or was hungry? Who would feed her?

"Momm-"

"Now. You'll do this, or you're in the shithouse, missy. I'm not kidding." She looked at me. She sighed. Smiled. "It's for the best, pumpkin. Honest. She'll be just fine."

I was numb. I couldn't feel my hands, or my feet. But I could watch as I opened the car door, as I scooted out onto the curb. I watched as I unhooked Sweetie's claws from my jacket, as I set her down next to a tree on a pile of leaves. I didn't feel the cool evening breeze, but I could see Sweetie shiver from it. I saw her pink mouth open as she meowed. I stopped watching after that. I didn't remember anything from the ride home, except for Mommy telling us this was our secret. Nobody was to know. Ever.

We never did tell anyone.

# # #

I woke up early, before light, and crawled out of bed. Put on my robe. I tiptoed through the living room so I wouldn't wake Danny up, and settled on the stairs outside. I could hear cars go past, and once or twice a bird chirruped in one of the trees nearby. I didn't know what was going to happen. After today, after we left. This summer was our last mandatory visit, so I'd never have to come back if I didn't want. I couldn't keep following after Danny, doing as he did. I was almost thirteen. I had to start making decisions for myself. That's what Dad said to me, before we came. I was to use this trip to decide about Mom.

About Mom. She meant well, I knew. She loved me. Loved both of us. And I loved her. I had to. I'd seen plenty of Afternoon Specials, and they all emphasized the importance of family. Of mothers. Mothers were good, most of the time. Sometimes, they just cared too much. Sometimes they couldn't help what they did, they cared so much. What would happen to her if I didn't come back? Her family was everything to her.

My dad told me she'd had a hard childhood, that she'd been hurt. I knew how that felt. And who else would? We both knew how much it could hurt. And when times were good, they were really good. She listened to me, like I was a grown-up. She told me I was beautiful, and smart. We had fun. Dad didn't do that. He told me to do my homework. To clean up my gym clothes. To be home by six o'clock for dinner.

I couldn't leave her. I was strong. I could take the hard times. But she couldn't. Not by herself. I'd have to take care of both of us. I was strong. I could do it. Besides, I'd be grown up in only five years. I could always leave then, if I wanted. If I really wanted.