My Mistake

It was the first day of grade 10, I woke up around 5:30 just to have extra time to get ready. At 7:20 me and my younger sister Tina, waited outside for the bus. Tina was really nervous it was her first day of high school, so she was kind of following me. The bus dropped us off at Lasalle Secondary at 7:47, our bus is one of the first to arrive, so the school was still a bit empty. Even some of the teachers were still arriving.

When we walked in we seen a couple of lists up on the walls, telling people were their classes are. There was a crowd of people lining up to look at the lists. Tina and I had already known were to go, because we had gone to the open house day back in August. I walked down the long hallway to were my home room was, and waited near the lockers for the rest of the kids to show up.

Tina and I just talked until 8:10, when the other busses had arrived. Kids were coming through every door, and since we were close to a door, there would be a cool breeze coming in, starting to give me chills. The quiet empty halls became loud, and packed with people. Listening to the sound of conversations, lockers banging, and pencils and books falling to the ground. Tina looked at every one, and the surroundings, telling me how different this was to her. Tina is a little bit taller than I am, she has blue eyes, and had long blond hair but over the summer dyed it black. I meet up with some kids from last year that I talked to. Chad, Shawn, Eric, Amy, Greg, and my two good friends Jessica, and Andy.

We had spent about a half an hour talking to people, Tina talked to a lot of the kids, because she wasn't as shy as I can be. It was now 8:30 the bell was going to ring any minute. I promised Tina earlier that I would walk her up to her home room. So Tina, Jessica, and I walked her up to the second floor. Jessica and I got into our home room just as the bell rang. We found an empty table near the back to sit at. Pat and Trevor sat down with us, I remember them two way back in Elementary school, I used to be good friends with them. We talked all the way through the announcements, got yelled at a few times to be quiet by one of the teachers helpers. It was to hard to be quiet though. Even though we were laughing at nothing at all.

After lunch, Jessica and I were also in the same class again for English. Jessica is about the same height as I am, she's a bit chubby, with brown eyes, and short black hair. Mrs. Ferguson had already given us our assignment, we were to work in partners, of course I was with Jessica. However Jessica and I were hyper and ignoring our work, talking and acting immature. Just than a new kid had walked into the class room, Jessica and I looked over our shoulders to get a better look. It was a boy, he was standing with some women which was most likely his mother. The women was talking to Mrs. Ferguson. The boy started walking to an empty table, near the left hand side around the back. While he was walking I got a little glimpse of his face, than turned to Jessica "He's cute." "Ew..no he's not." Jessica replied with a disgusted tone.

Days went by, I had found out the boy's name was Shane. Jessica had always tried to make me go and talk to him, but I was way to shy, so I always refused. One day in English Mrs. Ferguson had called me to the back of the class. I got up and started walking slowly, than I noticed Shane standing right beside her. He was looking at me, and I looked at him, this weird feeling came over me, and a nervous feeling came into my stomach. I than noticed Shane was about the same height as me, he had short brown hair, and has the most beautiful blue eyes. When I reached Mrs. Ferguson I didn't look at him once. "What bus do you take home?" "I take N440." I replied a little confused. She said, "OK." I had no idea why she was asking me this, but I didn't bother to ask her. I took one more glance back at Shane, than walked away.

It was September 14,2004. When I got home from school that day, I did my original routine, than went down to talk on MSN. Only Tina and I were at home, it was around 3:15. A gray icon had popped up, saying that someone has added you to your list do you accept? Although I had no idea who the person was I clicked OK anyways. The person had said, "hi." "Who is this?" "Shane." When I saw that, that nervous feeling came back into my stomach. I was wondering how he got my e-mail? I didn't bother to ask him though. I only tried to make conversation. "what's up?" "nothing." That's when I thought our conversation was over, that's usually how long my conversations last. "hey I have something to tell you." not really thinking of what he was going to say, I typed in "OK." "I think your really pretty, and I really like you." My eyes just widened when I seen that, I was amazed..no one has ever told me that before. Finally I had told him how I felt about him. It must have been 4:30, my parents were home making super, when I told him that I had to go. "wait one more thing, will you go out with me?" I was so happy that he asked me..so I typed "yes!!" than got offline.

That Friday, after school Shane and I had made plans to meet in Garson, at Jessica's house. We walked around Garson talked, and got to know each other a little better, I found out that Shane loves cars, tech-no music, and playing video games. The cars kind of bore me, but I also like playing video games. We were soon seeing each other every day, in Garson with Jessica. It was fun, I was really starting to like him. He was nice to me, buying me things, even if I said no. but soon, It was only me and Shane, there was no more Shane, Jessica, and I, No it was just Shane and I. However then I didn't realize I was losing my best friend, Jessica was always with Tina, and calling her never for me. I of course didn't even notice this because I had Shane.

Months had gone by, things were changing. I never seen or talked to Jessica anymore, Andy had met new people and never said a word to me, I was always with Shane, Tina and Shawn were always together now, they were going out. Shane and I would always argue, over the dumbest things too. He was no longer nice to me, he never put his arm around me anymore, he wouldn't tell me that he loved me anymore (he used to say it 5 times a day). I started finding out that Shane was an abuse if person, he told me about his child life, half the stories I would almost cry when he told me. He was taking out his child life anger on me, it wasn't fair. We would sometimes rough play, but at times for some reason he would go out of control and hit me really hard. At times I would almost even cry. It wasn't all that bad at the time though, and I really, really liked him too, so half the things I just took. He wasn't even fun, I would try to have fun, although sometimes it would mean acting stupid, or immature. He would just say that I was an idiot, call me names, he was always insulting me.

One Year later, we were still together, and yes I still did like him. It was September 24,2005. Shane had told me he was going to visit his grandma in Mark's Day for the weekend. That Saturday he called me around 11:30 am "hey your back already?" "Lynda I didn't go to my grandma's house." when I heard that...a feeling came over me..a horrible feeling..fear. "than were did you go?" "Last night, I went to Justin's house until 6 than I went to a dance until 11, and I also dirty danced with two or three girls." I didn't know what to say, my brain was going out of control, memories were flashing through my mind, and tears starting coming into my eyes. I than finally managed to say, "Why would you do that?" "I don't know." I was so mad, and I was crying now, swearing at him, and finally hung up the phone. I cried for a good couple days...

Two or three day's later Shane called me, and we talked things out, we were going to just be friends. Jessica had moved to Kingston in April, so I couldn't talk to her. Shane was the only one I had left. about 4 months later...it went way to far. Shane would not stop insulting me, being more abuse if than ever, and lying to me none stop. He had a new girlfriend which he lied to me about for a month, and than decided to tell me, I still kinda liked him then. People were telling me to get over him..but I couldn't. He never wanted to call me, he never wanted to see me, all because of Kylie his new girlfriend. He was putting her in front of every one. One Friday, I decided to end it, most because of what he said. We were on the phone talking, he told me the day before, that he was going to come and see me. Friday he said he wasn't going to, we were yelling at each other. and Then he had said Kylie was better than me? Now that made me really, really mad. How can she be better than me when he only knew her for a month, and she was better than me?.."Asshole"! then he hung up on me. Ever since then I never called him back, he had called but I didn't answer.

I would think about it, and used to cry, it would hurt..and now I think about it and it doesn't bother me anymore. I'm over him, I was talking to Lisa my older sister who's in College, out in North Bay. She came home for the weekend....and I told her things that I never told any one else before...something that Shane had done to me. We had a long conversation about him, than I told her..."Once I was at his house, and we were playing around, and I don't know why, but he just put his hands over my mouth and nose, he put all his weight down too. I couldn't breath, and I was scared, so I started to cry, thought I was going to faint..but than he let go, and pushed me." "Oh my god, Lynda why would you even go back there, why did he do that to you, oh my god I hate him for that, I hate that kid now." Lisa sounded as if she was going to start crying. I never told her about the time, he almost did the same thing but was choking me, and finally stopped. Of course I wanted to cry, and I was scared. And another time....well ..uh you know..we are both teenagers..so...I had sex with him before...once in a while we would. But there was one time when I was lying on his bed, he wanted to do it, but I told him that I wasn't in the mood. He tried to, but I keep pushing him off,and telling him to stop, and saying No. But he wouldn't give up on trying, so I just gave in. Why did I give in? I don't know...I really, really don't know. It's not fair that he can control me.

I still don't understand why he did that to me, why he was always so mean to me, he never had respect for me, and I wonder if he even actually cared about me? He used to control me, he could put me down when ever he wanted, He controlled my life. I'm not going to take it anymore. I still have to pick up a few stuff at his house, and after I do that's it. I will never talk or see him again. I'm tired of it. I feel sorry for his girlfriend, she's going to have to find out who he really is the hard way, just like I had too. I regret ever going out with him. I do. If I think about it now, it was a waste of time, a wasted year, If I wasn't with him, I wonder, would Andy still talk to me? I know it wouldn't of made Jessica stay here in Sudbury..but would we still be close? I lost Two great friends all because of him. He told me, he didn't want to grow up like his step dad...well Shane your exactly like him. He's not even good looking, like what on earth was I thinking?

Hate is a strong word. But I mean it when I say "I hate you Shane." you put me through hell, I did not deserve any of this shit. and you had no right to do what you have done to me.

I used to be hurt, hurt because he got a new girlfriend, and through me away like I was dirt. I mean nothing to him, and now he means nothing to me. I would cry all the time, but now I cry for what you done. I cry because I wasted a year, and lost my friends. I cry now because you were my mistake. You may have been my only friend, but I rather be alone...than with you.