The day my Grandma died

I was 16 years old when my grandma died. I was in a residential treatment center. For what I'll never know. My case worker said I had boundary issues but I don't believe this. It was not possible to have boundary issues when I never let people touch me and I would duck if they tried.

I had known that my Grandma was sick but I thought she'd get better. It turned out she had colon cancer. she was 62 years old. Thanksgiving day I had gone with my case worker from the treatment center to Robinson memorial Hospital to visit her and say my goodbyes.

I never said goodbye. I still hoped she would make atleast a partial recovery. she never did.Jan.12th 2003 my grandma died at 2:20am. I found out later that afternoon. A supervisor of the unit I was on told me to come with her and have a seat it was important.

I sat down and she said your Grandma passed away last night. I choked and looked at her then I screamed AND YOU'RE JUST NOW TELLING ME?!!!!!!!! She allowed me to contact my mother. (My caseworker had cut off contact between her and I.)

I kept it together until I heard my mother's voice then I started bawling and I was crying so hard I couldn't breathe. Even my mother couldn't calm me down. I promised her I would eat even if I didn't feel hungry but it was 2 weeks before I touched another bite of food.

I cried for a couple of days, everything reminded me of her. I was alolowed to attend the viewing of the body also called the wake. But only for 2 hours. I walked up to the casket hoping against hope that it wasn't true, that it was all just a bad dream or it was the wrong body or something.

I got close enough to see the body and it was my Grandma. I ran from the casket. My Mom grabbed me around my waist and pulled me close. I let out the pain I had tried so hard to hide. I let myself cry in the comfort of my Mom's arms.
Once again I felt weak. I used to think it was a sign of weakness to cry. so I internalized my pain and before long I was having accidents. a sprained wrist here, a sprained ancle there, cuts and scrapes that seemed to appear out of no where.

For a while I had contemplated suicide. I pictured my Grandma coming back to strangle me for even thinking about it and it was enough to stop me.It has now been 3 years and I still miss her but it has gotten much easier. Thank you for reading this and you may feel free to rate this any way you wish. Feel free to give feedback and comments as well thanks again.