Chapter 9: Her Trust Becomes Total

CHAPTER NINE

Her Trust Becomes Total

February did, though, give us an extra day together - Washington's Birthday, the 22nd. She had no school, only a rehearsal for the musical, this year a production of How To Succeed In Business Without Really Trying. We spent her lunch break together - from 11:30 until 1:00, then she went back to rehearsal and I headed for work. It wasn't our ideal, but it was extra time together.
Her love for popular music was more than evident in the closing she left me on a particular note near the middle of the month. Her particular "love affair" was with the Beatles (the Monkees were her second choice). She had reached the point of easily working the titles of many of both groups' songs (or a well-known line) right into a sentence or conversation. The closing to her letter of February 16th, 1967 reads:

“PS: You don’t need that Help [Beatles] now, do you? I know it has been A Hard Day’s Night ]Beatles] for you, but [You] Should Have Known Better.[Beatles] I’m A Believer [Monkees] if you ever saw one. Your Auntie Grizelda [Monkees] has come around. Look Out,
Here Comes Tomorrow [Monkees] and we need it to
recuperate. Sometime In The Morning [Monkees] I’ll kiss you and you’ll realize I’m all a girl could be. Please Please Me [Beatles] like I please you.
P.P.S. I Love You [Beatles] and I always will.”

Many letters also revealed a little of the frustration we still felt, both at my parents’ attitude and at the periodic separation forced by my hours. In another part of the letter above she makes no bones about her feelings toward my parents, the ring that was taken back, and the time apart, ending those thoughts with a quiet plea for me to find a way through some of those issues (“Please, Please Me” like I please you). Yet at the same time, every letter always kept our love alive. Like her comments about not wanting to wait until Saturday to be together, and the Beatles’ song title closing she put on EVERY letter and note to me when we were apart: “P.S. I Love You”.
That last entry had already become her "trademark".
For someone who felt she had a lot to learn about being a housewife, she sure was doing a bangup job so far, as evidenced by those “instructions” I had previously received. And the "devotion to duty"! She couldn't do enough for me. I know a lot of guys who'd be happy with a wife half as dedicated. And still, she managed to slip in those ittle "instructions" just often enough to bring a smile to a bad day or week on the job. Three notes from those early days of freedom say it very nicely:

Honey,
Come up to school to get your lunch. Your
jeans and suit are in the closet. Your radio’s plugged in. You’ve got a dirty clothes box; use it. Your cake’s in the kitchen. Fold the plastic left over under the bag.
Love you, Lin
PS. I Love You.

And then there was this one:

“Dear Honey,
I have to make this quick. I want to tell you that I love you. You’re always on my mind. Bring your dirty clothes and the sheets and pillow cases over to our house Saturday.
If you need more money, don’t be afraid to ask. Mom and Dad will lend you another $5.
I couldn’t make it over today so I asked Judy to get this to you.
I love you and I always will.
Love, Lin
P.S. I love you.

And finally, there was this one below, from March of 1967. Notice the devotion on her part that’s implied when she actually apologizes for the “quality” of the lunch she’d made for me to take to work that day:

“To my honey,
We start rehearsal tomorrow at 10:00. We rehearse until 11:30 and have a lunch break until 1:00. You can come down if you want before rehearsal. I hope you enjoyed your lunch. I didn’t have much time to fix anything better. I’ll try to do better Thursday. Remember those instructions I gave you before you moved in with your family for a night? Follow them. Well, I’ve got to run. See you tomorrow, love.
Your fiancée,
Lin
PS. I love you.”

Notice when she said, “I hope you enjoyed your lunch. I didn't have much time to fix anything better. I'll try to do better Thursday.”

Like I said – I couldn’t ask for more “devotion to duty”.

I found it fascinating that it coincided with the coming of spring (roughly), but the beginning of March brought with it the beginning of a new chapter in Linda's teenage life (she would still be 17 for almost 3 more weeks).
I was working day shift at the Book Company. Monday afternoon, March 6, Linda met me at the apartment.
"Hi, darling!" she chirped as she ran into my arms. She kissed me before I could get a word in edgewise.
"Hello yourself," I said smiling, as soon as I got the chance.
"Boy, I'm bushed." She dragged herself into the main room of my little "apartment" and laid down on that old army cot. "And I sure missed you!"
"Bad day?" I asked, concerned, as I followed her into the room.
"Just hectic, and a lot of work at rehearsal time." She turned over on her stomach.
Moments later I suddenly noticed that the zipper on the back of her brown wool dress was open about an inch. For a second I thought I'd point it out to her, or maybe just reach over and zip it for her. But I started getting ideas, even though I knew I'd never have the courage to carry them out. "Why do I have to be so darn shy anyway?" I asked myself. I decided I'd leave it there. Aloud I said, "Maybe you better try real hard to get a good night's sleep, sweetheart. No sense wearing yourself out and getting sick." I looked away for a second, at nothing in particular.
"Yeah, I guess you're right, honey."
I looked back to the cot. The zipper was down another two inches.
"I wouldn't want to miss the rehearsals," she continued.
"Is she doing that? Or is it accidental?" I asked myself as I noticed that the zipper had retreated a second couple inches. "'Accidental' just doesn't fit somehow. And if it is intentional, I'm not going to knock it!" My excitement grew, but so did my nervousness. I tried to hide it: "Rehearsals or not, it would hurt me to see you not feeling good," I said, hoping the excitement I felt was not evident. I continued: "Your enthusiasm every day even shows in the notes. You cheer me up without even trying. I need that. And you couldn't do it if you were sick."
The zipper was all the way open now. She got up from the cot, stood in front of me, and slowly lowered the dress to her waist. "It's nice to know I'm needed," she said, looking at me with a naughty smile.
Then she just stood there.
“Oh, cripes! She's waiting for me to make a move and I'm frozen stiff! But I've got to do something... if she gets frustrated enough she might give up on me!" I thought nervously. Absolutely petrified, I placed my hands on her shoulders. The smooth, silken texture of her slip sent my mind reeling. "Only a bra and a slip from paradise and I can't do anything!" I muttered to myself. "Why do I have to be so darn shy anyway?" I silently repeated. Aloud all I could mutter was, "Lin, I want to thank you for letting me see you like this.” “Brother! If that’s not the weakest statement I've ever made!” I said to myself as I stood there, totally immobile, my hands frozen in place on her shoulders.
"That's alright," she said, shyly smiling. "I wanted to do it."
But I could see the disappointment in her face. With all she'd been through since we met I'd seen every level of disappointment and frustration on her face and in her voice, much more than enough to know that this was almost the worst each had hit her since my parents' efforts at separation.
She thought, "Why doesn't he do something? I got up the nerve to make the first move, and he still won't budge. Well, thanks for the courage, Lord. Maybe next time."
After a passage of time that seemed like forever I dropped my arms to my sides. She pulled the dress up.
"Turn around and I'll zip it for you." I said. "This is no way to try and make up for blowing your best chance," I thought to myself as I pulled the zipper up. I turned her around and embraced her. She laid her head on my shoulder. "I'm sorry, Lin." I said, feeling deeply hurt at having disappointed her so much. She hadn't said anything. But she didn't have to.
"That's okay. Really. I'd better run. Judy may not be able to keep her mother occupied too much longer without her becoming suspicious. And if she realizes we're both up here at the same time...."
"Yeah, I like it here," I said, smiling, hoping to lighten the mood a little.

"Why can't he see I need that?!" she silently screamed as she descended the stairs to the street a few minutes later. "Please, Jim, don't be so scared to try something next time. I'm beginning to feel now like the other girls have all year long, if not longer. I need to know what it's like."
I watched from my window as she walked out of sight. After she left I sat on the couch for about half an hour, giving myself the third degree for having blown an opportunity every guy dreams of: "How many guys are lucky enough to have their girl make an offer like that.... and what do I do?? I freeze up! I've got to show her it isn't going to be like that forever!" I sternly admonished myself. Walking the same route she had taken shortly thereafter, I could not help but feel the frustration I knew I'd forced on her only minutes before. I'd started my walk with the idea of getting some supper. But I decided I no longer had that much of an appetite.

"I must have looked like an idiot!" I thought as I entered the apartment later. "Walking around for half an hour talking to myself and praying! It's a wonder they didn't call the cops to put me away!" I chuckled. "I hope those prayers are answered soon. I need to know how to respond to the fact that the depth of our relationship and the freedom we have to be together have suddenly released a level of physical desire from within her that many of her peers have satisfied, at least partially, long before now, but that neither one of us has experienced before.”

The next Saturday Linda met me downtown after I got off work at 2:30. We spent the afternoon going to the different shops and stores, looking at rings and bridal gowns. She chose a ring set with a price tag of $102. I put a down payment on it so they could proceed with the inscription. This one was a sure thing, and we were going all-out. Then I'd give it to her for her birthday a week later on Saturday, March 18th.
Every time she spotted another gown her reaction was always the same: it was better than any she'd seen before. "Typical female," I thought lovingly. "It's a good thing we've started looking now. It'll take her these next two years to pick out a dress and stick with the choice." But after a while the dress search brought on a new frustration.
"Jim, can't we at least choose the silver and china patterns now?"
"Lin, honey, I know how much you want to make definite plans for the wedding, but it wouldn't really be practical. I hate to use that word, but it's true. The patterns you choose may not even be available in two years. We don't know when the patterns will change."
"I know, I know." she said, a little disappointed. "It's just that I want to feel like I'm at least making progress toward that beautiful day. That's all. I don't want to sit still and do nothing. I'm getting itchy and I can't stand the idea of waiting. What makes it hard is your parents won't sign and there's no other way to speed up the whole thing. Two years! Right now that seems like forever." Her head went back on my shoulder. I put my arm around her.
"Sweetheart, I know it's not much help, but don't forget - I don't like waiting either. A lot of my nights are lonely. I find myself wishing we were already married so you could just be there. I want you with me so bad that it doesn't even matter whether we make love or not, just as long as you're right there next to me. That's the way I feel at night. A lot of times I'm awake so long I start getting scared I won't get any sleep. And I have to go to work the next morning. But, just when I think it's hopeless, I remember how it used to be just a couple months ago; how we figured we'd have no problems if we could just be together. And I realize that I'd much rather face this relatively pleasant problem than that nightmare created by my parents."
"You're right, Jim. It may be two years off, but that decision is ours. It wasn't forced on us. We could elope, but we decided to wait. And you're right about the freedom, too. After what we've been through I should be more than satisfied just knowing we can be together any time we want."
"So should I," I reflected.
"Guess we share this one, huh?"
"Right."
"I'm sorry I'm such a grouch. Forgive me?"
“What do you think?”
"Thanks, honey. I love you."
She kissed me warmly. "You better," I said. "If we're going to be married, even in two years, it'd be nice if you loved me," I said smiling.
"Oh, you!" She gave me a shot with an elbow, a big grin on her face. I knew that'd do the trick.
After a supper at Frisch's (all those weekends with Dennis and Don had made it "our place"), we went to the 20th Century theatre to see "Endless Summer".
We'd only been to that theatre once or twice, and the route over and back still gave me a little difficulty at times, usually on the return trip when all the directions had to be reversed, and done in the dark. And this was one of those times. It was supposed to be a twenty-minute drive at the most. That's how long it took when I got the route right. Tonight the movie was out about 10:30. By the time we knew where we were it was a little past 11:30! "Well, late or not, I'm going through with my plans," I thought as we got within ten minutes or so of her home. "After the way I blew that Monday afternoon at the apartment when she offered herself to me without words, I can't afford to wait too long." I found the spot I wanted, pulled off the road and shut off the engine.
"What's all this?" Linda asked quizzically as I slid over to the center of the seat and put my arms around her. I didn't say anything. I just kissed her with everything I had.
"I can't let her start a conversation now," I thought nervously. "I'll never get this much courage back tonight if I lose it."
As we held that kiss I reached for the top button of her blouse. If she hadn't figured it out over the past few seconds, she knew then. She shifted position so I had less trouble with the buttons. The look of total happiness on her face as I finished that task told me I was on the right track.
"I wonder how far he'll want to go?" she pondered, excited. “So this is what it feels like when you don't know what he'll do next! I love it!" By now she had the open blouse halfway off. Then a new thought hit her: "What if he doesn't like what he sees?" She froze for a moment. When she noticed the puzzled look on my face, she finished taking it off. "Well, it's too late to back out now. I just hope he likes what he sees."
That entire feeling of excitement and anticipation came flooding back through her whole being as I reached for the bra straps on her shoulders…

About 15 minutes later we headed home; we wanted to be there early enough so her folks wouldn't worry. "Well, I finally got the nerve to do something," I thought as I drove. "And I have to admit, I really enjoyed it, even if I was scared stiff." I smiled at the situation. I found myself really relaxed, and I felt a sense of confidence stirring inside. Just a little. Then my thoughts went right back to Linda. "I just hope it was enough to satisfy her for tonight. I think she'd have gone all the way if I'd wanted to." I found myself wondering how we'd ever find a place private enough if we did decide to do it. I'd had enough trouble tonight, wondering how long it might be before a policeman spotted us. "I wonder how the other guys keep from being so nervous about that. Oh, well, how they do it doesn't matter anyway. The problem is how am I going to do it? Even if we don't go all the way I can't be worried about that every time we park. It'll show in my efforts and she'll be disappointed.”

(The 20th Century theatre is closed now. Has been for at least 3-5 years, I think. And it hurts. We lose so many good things anymore. Some people call it progress. Not me. J.A.W. 09/17/84)

The next day, Sunday, there was a family get-together for her aunt's birthday. Following an afternoon and early evening of conversation, part of that time spent devouring a fantastic birthday meal, Linda and I were getting itchy for some time alone. About 7:30 or 8:00 it was dark enough for a nice romantic walk. "Thank goodness it's still early enough in the year to get dark this quick," I thought as we left the house behind us and walked up the street. Our arms were around each other, her head on my shoulder. A few minutes later we were within a couple blocks of a pretty dense-looking patch of woods.
Privately I thought, "Perfect!" Aloud I said, "Would you like to go for a walk in the woods, honey? It is something romantic we haven't experienced yet."
"Yeah. I'd like that," she said smiling.
"I'd love to know what she was thinking just then," I thought to myself as we turned off the road and began walking into the "uncharted wilderness" we had just discovered. A short walk now brought us to a place where she must have sensed we'd be left undisturbed because she sat down, laid back, and put her hands behind her head, appearing to be totally relaxed and at peace with the world. "Relaxed my foot!" I thought lovingly as I sat down next to her. “I know she's waiting for my next move." I put my hand on her shoulder in a symbolic effort to embrace her (and get my courage started) as I gave her a long, meaningful kiss. She smiled broadly as I reached for the lower edge of her pullover sweater.
"How far will he go tonight?" she asked herself excitedly. “It's so much fun waiting to see if he'll try to go farther, or try something new anyway!"
Soon, she was naked above the waist. I reached for the waistband of her slacks, pausing with my fingers gripping that very cooperative elastic.
“This is where we stopped last night, Jim. Please give me SOMETHING different, anyway," she thought, impatient at the prospect, and yet ready to deal with the disappointment if she didn't get it.
I must have agonized over that decision for what seemed like ages to both of us. Finally, I gripped that elastic waistband with both hands and gently tugged. She raised her hips…
We got back to her house about 9:30. Before we entered she carefully rechecked to make sure her appearance was as it had been when we left.
I found myself wondering, as we talked with her parents over the next hour or so, whether they would notice what felt, to me, to be an unusually happy or extremely contented look on our faces. No, we hadn't gone "all the way". But the last 24 hours had broken through the last of our juvenile inhibitions, given us both a wonderful boost in our confidence and self-esteem, and added even more to our relationship.

"Ohhh… it feels so good to know how all those girls felt before," Linda thought as she climbed into bed that night. Dad had just left to take Jim back to the apartment. "I wish he didn't have to go. That he could be here with me now." Her thoughts shot back to those woods and their time together, just a few short hours before. "Oooooo...it felt so good when his hands touched me. And in those places, too!" She shivered with delight at the memory. "And he was so gentle! I would've made love if he'd asked me to! But he wants that to be on our wedding night and I love him for it." She paused in reflection: "I feel kinda sorry for those other kids now. Dad's right. Our relationship is something special. Theirs is just a physical thing. And ours is so much more. Yes, dad, waiting for him to try something was hard. Very hard. Probably one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. But you were right again. It felt a thousand times better when he did approach me. Because he didn't just jump in and do it like other guys do; he did it with a feeling of love those other girls may not know yet, even if they HAVE gone 'all the way'. Thank you, Lord, for sending me someone so special...." Her voice trailed off as she drifted off to sleep, a smile of total contentment on her face.

As dad drove me home, my thoughts refused to leave those woods. And finally finding out what she looks like under those clothes I see every day. At least what I could see in as little light as there'd been. "She's a beauty and she's all mine," I thought to myself. "And so special, too." I knew I was grinning as I remembered dad sitting next to me and I thought, "If he only knew! He wouldn't believe how our special relationship and this freedom to be (and grow) together has caused his shy little girl to begin blossoming into the woman she wants so desperately to be." Saying the end of that sentence, even to myself, I realized that I, too was losing that same little girl. That quiet, shy, unobtrusive, innocent cutie that stole my heart just a year before. And it hurt. Deeply. But just for a moment. Then I realized that I faced a totally new, and unknown challenge. One even more frightening, yet intriguing than a year ago, as I remembered the words she spoke with such love, honesty and trust, just last summer: "I've got a lot to learn, Jim. I'm not sure I know how to be the person, the woman, the housewife, even, that I know I should be. But I'm willing to learn if you're willing to teach me.”


This work was taken from "A Once In A Lifetime Love: An Autobiography of Two High School Sweethearts", copyright 2000, as yet unpublished, by the same author.