Living Life Twice

“Alright dear, can you tell me your name,” Dr. Callahan asked, gently touching the bruises on Grace Delaney’s face. Grace squinted her eyes and felt the big, red knot on her forehead. “Ummm…” she began. The doctor shined a tiny light in her eyes. “Your pupils are dilating properly,” she said. “Now, can you tell me your name, dear?” Grace sat in complete silence. She watched the clouds roll by out of the windowed wall of the hospital. She folded her hands politely in her lap and sighed. She didn’t know what they wanted her to say. “Well, I…” she stuttered. Grace’s mother and father were clutching each other for support in the corner of the room by the large window and arm chair. “Can you remember what your name is, honey,” Dr. Callahan asked for the last time very patiently. Tentatively, Grace answered, “N-n-no. No ma’am I don’t.” Her mother broke out into a series of deep sobs and trails of tears flowed down her cheeks. “Mr. and Mrs. Delaney,” Dr. Callahan said calmly, “May I see you out in the hall for a moment.” The Delaney’s nodded numbly and followed the doctor like lost puppies. They left Grace to look out the big window, her vacant brown eyes following the slow, rhythmic moving of the clouds.
“Now, this is going to be a very long and painful process, but I’m afraid that we must begin reacquainting Grace to her surroundings. It seems that she has forgotten everything. Now, we are going to run some tests tomorrow morning, but as of now I think that it would be best if you took her home and just brought her back in the morning,” Dr. Callahan said. “She has amnesia from the hard fall that she took and I must warn you that the memory of the victim does not always return completely or even at all in some cases, but I promise you that I will work with Grace until I can retrieve as much of her memory as possible” The Delaney’s looked hopeful butsmiled pitifully. “Thank you, doctor,” Mr. Delaney said, leading his wife back to the room. “Oh, and Mr. Delaney, may I ask if there is anyone that Grace particularly has a strong relationship with? They are often the people who can help trigger the lost memories.” Mr. Delaney furrowed his brow in thought. “Her best friend, Audrey and her boyfriend, James.”
James was going 90 miles per hour down St. Mary Road. His legs felt like Jello and his arms like cooked pasta. He was wobbly and nervous. “Hi Mrs. Delaney, it’s James,” he began on his cell phone. He was shaking so badly that he had to steady the tiny device with his shoulder just to keep it from falling on the floor of his car. “Did she ask for me at all?” He was hopeful, but when Mrs. Delaney confirmed a ‘no’ he just broke down. The tears started falling one by one. “No, ma’am I’m fine. Don’t worry. I’ll be there in about five minutes. Bye.”
He pulled into the car parking lot like a bat out of hell, but when he parked the car, he just sat and cried. James Fenton cried just about every time Haley’s Comet came around. You could say that he was a bit of a tough guy, but not when it came to his Grace. She meant the world to him. She was the only girl that he had ever loved. The only girl he had ever seriously thought about marrying. He didn’t believe it when Mrs. Delaney had called to tell him the awful news. He was just on his way to go out and surprise Grace…with a promise ring. It was a promise of marriage later on down the road. They were only seventeen, so neither was ready for marriage, but they both knew that they wanted to marry each other. Mrs. Delaney said that Grace had been thrown from her horse, Rebel. Now, Rebel was the gentlest horse anyone could have ever hoped to ride, that is, until he got stuck in a storm. Mrs. Delaney said that Grace had gone outside to ride Rebel for an hour. It was her daily routine to exercise her horse, which was one of the reasons that this was even more unfair. Something like this was so out of the ordinary, so peculiarly unorthodox. As Grace had been galloping, a flash of lightening streaked across the horizon and loud, ear shattering thunder ripped and roared through the sky. Rebel reared back and then bolted, throwing Grace from the saddle and slamming her body hard against the earth. She blacked out for two hours and when she woke up, she couldn’t even remember who she was.
As James made his way down the cold corridors of the hospital he dreaded what he would find on the third floor, east wing, room 332. He would find the girl of his wildest dreams gone. She was there physically, but mentally she was no longer with him. He met the Delaney’s outside the door. Mrs. Delaney immediately rushed towards him and pulled him close. “Thank goodness you’re here. She’s in there with Audrey now. Audrey wont stop crying and I think that she’s scaring Grace. Maybe you can help.” James eyes widened. He forgot that Audrey would be here.
Audrey was Grace’s best friend in the entire world, and James’ ex-girlfriend. They had been broken up for nearly seven months now, but he still wasn’t very fond of her. He had barely spoken a few sentences to her since she broke his heart back in July. The only reason that he even tolerated her was for Grace.
James touched the cold metal handle and reluctantly opened the door. Audrey’s face turned rapidly towards him. Her tear streaked face stunned him. His eyes shot down to the sterile, tile floor. He hated to see girls cry. Even Audrey. James made his way slowly the arm chair next to Audrey. He refused to look at Grace because he was afraid of what he would see. “She doesn’t know me anymore,” Audrey whispered, her voice wavering. She sighed a long and heavy sigh. “I’ll be by your house later, Gracie, kay?” Grace didn’t look at her at first. Then, she turned her head and just looked at Audrey like she had no idea who she was, because she didn’t. With that Audrey got up, wiping the tears away from her eyes so that she could see the path to the door. Then, she was gone. The silence was unbearable between Grace and James. He still hadn’t looked at her. He watched the blue sky outside the window. He would have given anything to have this have been him instead of his sweet, Grace. A soft hand caressed the side of his face, and he looked up. Grace was looking at him, her soft brown eyes delving into his. “You have the most amazingly blue eyes I have ever seen,” she said, and then she drew her hand back to her lap and returned her gaze to the window. “Grace…” he began. She didn’t turn her head. She didn’t know her name, and as much as he wanted it to be so, she didn’t know him either.
James fiddled with the ring in his pocket. He felt the cool, smooth metal sliding around his sweaty fingertips. He didn’t want to go home, but being there with Grace just seemed to make things worse. All she did was stare out the window and every now and then she would look at him briefly and ask his name again. She would say, “James…I like that name. It’s very distinguished. So, who did you say you were again?” He was not allowed to tell her that he was her boyfriend. The doctor’s feared that that would send her into a panic. So, he would tell her that he was just a family friend that was there to check and see how she was feeling. He didn’t want to lie to her; in fact, he wanted very much to grab her hand and place the ring on her ring finger and tell her how much he loved her and how much he wanted to be with her forever, but he just couldn’t. “Grace, I love you,” he whispered. She turned her head. “What did you say?” Crap, did I just say that out loud? “Look James, I don’t really know who you are, but something tells me that you aren’t just a family friend,” she said, a slight snap of hostility in her voice. He looked at her, his big baby blues watering a little. “Oh no, don’t cry! I didn’t mean to upset you…” she said. She began to cry too. She sniffed and tried to turn away from him, so that he couldn’t see the tears falling rapidly down her flushed, pink cheeks. “No, baby don’t… Don’t cry,” he said, wiping the tears from her cheeks. Grace looked up at James, her eyes glistening with tears. The Delaney’s and Dr. Callahan watched in awestruck silence from the doorway. “She’s letting him get close to her,” Dr. Callahan whispered. “And that’s progress.”
~

Mr. and Mrs. Delaney led Grace to the car. “So, which one is ours,” she asked tentatively. She didn’t want to make the nice woman cry again. “The green Cavalier over there,” Mr. Callahan said, pointing to a small sedan with a Green Bay sticker on the bumper. Grace nodded contently and then she turned back to look at James. “Are you coming with me,” she asked a slight hint of fear in her voice. “I can’t be alone,” she finished.
James looked down at the pasty concrete. “Um, well I…” he trailed off. The Delaney’s looked at each other for an answer. “Well, James you can come home with us now and I’ll call your mother as soon as we get home,” Mrs. Delaney began. “Then we can see if we can’t just work something out to where you get to see Grace every day. That way you can help her.” Grace smiled wide at him, and then trotted over to where he was standing, grabbed his hand, and laced her fingers with his. This was not meant in the romantic sense, because that was not the way that Grace thought of him anymore. But he hoped that someday it would be the same as it was before. She gave him a friendly smile and then dragged him to the car with her.
The ride to Grace’s house was filled with questions. “Where do I live?” She asked that question the most. James would tell her over and over that she lived on Stony Brook Lane, out in the country. She smiled the entire way, watching with wide eyes out the window at the rolling plains and wildflower fields. They passed a field with vibrant purple poppies. “Oh my,” Grace began. “Do you think that we could come back here later on…to this field. It’s so beautiful.” James just looked at her. Her big, brown eyes were shining with enthusiasm. How in the world could he tell her no? Mr. Delaney began his sentence with, “Grace I don’t know if that’s such a good idea…” But he quickly saw the same look that James did, and he stopped mid-sentence. “Sure. We can go and maybe you can take some pictures…” James suggested. “Do I like taking pictures,” Grace asked thoughtfully. James nodded.
“It is one of your very favorite things to do.” Grace looked perplexed.
“And what are my other favorites?” James wanted to say ‘kissing me, hugging, dancing in the rain, laughing until you cry, saying I love you, and talking about the future with me’, but he didn’t. He knew that it would be just too much for her.
”You like to write, dance, and swim.” She simply nodded and returned her gaze out the window.
When they reached the house, Grace hopped out of the car and ran to the old wooden fence where her horse stood grazing on the other side.
“Oh, he’s so beautiful,” Grace began. “What’s his name?” James started to tell her ‘Rebel’ but then he got a brilliant idea. He was supposed to help trigger her memory, so why not help instead of just giving her answers to everything? “You know his name,” James began.
“I do? How do I know his name?”
”He’s your horse… You named him after what the southern troops were called during the Civil War.” Grace looked at him like he had just kicked her cat.
“I-I can’t remember that!” She was shouting now. She was frustrated.
“Come on, baby. Yes, you can remember. Just think back to AP U.S. History class.” He tried to gently grab her hand to encourage her, but she slapped his hand away. He tried to hug her to calm her down, but she shoved him and then slapped him hard across the cheek.
“Don’t touch me! You don’t know me! Don’t act like you know me so well! I’ve never even met you!” Rebel’s ears perked up and he strolled over to the fence. Grace slumped against the picket fence and sat on the soft grass. She was sobbing quietly to herself. James squatted down until he was eye level with her. He tentatively brushed away a single curl from her porcelain-like face.
“Why can’t I remember anything?” She buried her face in her hands. By now Rebel had made it the entire way to the fence and leaned down, bending his long graceful neck and nipping at Grace’s hair.
“Rebel, knock it off…James, why can’t I remember anything!” James fell backwards he was so stunned. His blue eyes grew as big as saucers and his smile as big as Texas.
“Grace, that’s it! That’s his name! Rebel!”
“AHHHH,” Grace shrieked with joy. She jumped to her feet and threw her arms tightly around James’ neck. “Maybe you are my good luck charm, huh,” she whispered softly in his ear. The feel of her warm breath on his skin made him shiver with remembrance of how things used to be. How in love they used to be. “Yeah…maybe.”
Once inside the house, Grace was filled with little reminders of how her life used to be. She looked at the old school pictures of her, missing two teeth in fourth grade, braces in seventh, and curly hair and pearly whites as a junior. She ran her delicate little fingers over the fabric of the leather couch. It was so smooth. Grace was hit by the smell of the worn, black leather as she sunk into its soft cushions. “This smells so familiar. It feels like something I remember, too,” she said slowly, crinkling her eyebrows as if she were trying to remember something very important. James cautiously took a seat next to her on the shiny, black couch. With his fingers he twiddled the brass button on the arm of the couch. He stared at it as if it were a Picasso original.
“James,” she whispered. He turned to look at her. Her big, brown eyes were transfixed on his. “I need you to do something for me,” she finished. He started shaking. He didn’t want to do something that would upset or harm her memory. Carefully, he answered. “Sure. What is it?” She looked at his soft, pink lips. “I need you to kiss me.” James’ eyes grew wide with horror and joy at the same time. Good heavens, did he ever want to take her in his arms and kiss her until she remembered who he was and how much she loved him. He wanted to run his fingers through her soft, delicious smelling hair and touch the soft, delicate skin on her face. On the other hand, he had very careful instructions from Grace’s parents that he should not do anything that would mess with her memory. One little thing, one little mistake, and she could lose everything that she already remembered. “Grace, I…” he was interrupted by Audrey. He quickly turned his face from her and averted his eyes. Audrey did the same, like she had just seen something that she wasn’t supposed to. “Um, hi guys. Grace, how are you feeling?” Grace looked up at Audrey. Nervously, Audrey popped a strand of blonde hair behind her ear and straightened her shirt. “I’m feeling better…” she trailed off, trying to remember her friend’s name. “Audrey,” Audrey supplied. “Right, um, Audrey. That sounds funny. Well, Audrey why are you here,” Grace asked. Audrey looked a little hurt and then glanced over at James. Maybe she wanted him to help her out, or maybe she just wanted to make eye contact with him. Either way, he kept his eyes transfixed on the brass button. “I just wanted to know if you might want to go outside and see Rebel.” With that, James bolted up and out of his chair. Grace jumped, clearly startled, and Audrey’s eyes grew wider.
He didn’t want Grace to go even remotely near that beast. God only knew what would happen next if she got back on Rebel. “Audy, I don’t think that’s a good idea,” he said, automatically wincing. He always used to call her by her nickname, Audy. Grace had given it to her one day when they were bored in her room. They had been looking at fashion magazines all day because it was too rainy to be outside. Grace had seen a picture of a long legged, slender model strutting on a catwalk. Her name was Audy Yazel and she was apparently the hottest model in Brazil. “AUDY,” Grace had shouted triumphantly, and from then on it just stuck. “I don’t want Grace to get on Rebel…just not yet,” he said. Audrey smiled confidently and mysteriously, her eyes squinting and her eyebrows rising slightly. “I wasn’t going to put her on the horse, James. I was simply going to take her to look at him.”
James gave Audrey one of his famous if-you-know-what’s-good-for-you-you-will-walk-away-right-now looks, and she returned it with her famous shut-up-or-I’ll-kick-you-in-the-face looks. James caved. He really didn’t feel like dealing with her cutting remarks and drama. “Fine, Audrey, but I’m coming with you two.”
As they walked out to the barn, James watched Audrey. Her face looked much different than it used to. He knew it was impossible, but it looked as though her face had changed these last few months. Her eyes seemed softer, maybe even sad. Her hair was down and around her face, not pulled back in the usual messy bun that made her features look sharp and her demeanor seem condescending without her even saying a word. She looked free, not constrained like she used to. The glow of her sharp, green eyes seemed brighter than usual. Just then, she turned to look at him. She had felt him looking at her. “What,” she asked, her voice sharp and biting. It felt like she had just stabbed a knife into his heart. “Nothing,” he said. He knew she was the same person that had broken his heart a year and five months ago. But, why did she have to be so painfully beautiful? She looked like a Victoria Secret model with an attitude. A bad attitude.
Then, he looked at Grace. She seemed distant. Her vacant brown eyes were searching the dusty, bare ground for answers. She didn’t know who she was anymore, and sadly, James didn’t know who she was either. How could he help her when he himself doesn’t know who she is? This girl certainly wasn’t the girl that he had fallen in love with. But, she was the unconventional beauty. Her dark brown curls always fell messily around her soft, oval face. Her eyes were big, and her lashes long and full. Her lips were perfect…or to him, anyways. She wasn’t the commercial beauty that was seen in magazines like Audrey. She had the face of an angel, a softer and more delicate beauty.
Grace turned to look at James. He half expected her to look at him and then look back at the ground, but on the other hand he expected her, unrealistically, to throw her arms around his neck and kiss him. She did neither. Grace smiled probably the most beautiful smiles he had ever seen. Her entire face lit up, and the dimple on her right cheek revealed itself. James took a few moments to revel in her beauty, and then Audrey hit him hard on his shoulder. Despite the three layers of clothing that he had on, he felt the sting. “James? How do you think we are going to get things done if you are making goo-goo eyes at her,” she snapped, pinning a small piece of hair back with a bobby pin on one side, one lone sexy strand falling in her eyes. James took another few moments to revel in her beauty. Wait a second! What was he doing? He couldn’t be falling for Audrey. No way…not a chance.
“All right. Now, James, you and I will muck out the stalls and Grace, you can sit over there on the bail of hay and wait for us to finish. Then, we can start your therapy with Rebel,” Audrey ordered. She made it sound as if they had a chance on what they had to do, when really they didn’t. James rolled his eyes and followed her to Rebel’s empty stall, as he watched Grace sit on the hay and fold her hands uncomfortably. Once he figured that he and Audrey were out of earshot, James laid in on Audrey. “What the hell do you think you’re doing to her by making her just sit out like that? You think that’s helping, Audrey,” James snapped. “She feels alienated!” Audrey looked hurt, then angry. “What? I’m just trying to do what I think is best for her, James.”
”Oh spare me, Aud. When have you ever done anything for someone else? It’s always all about you! For once, stop thinking of yourself and start thinking of her. She needs us now.”
Audrey stood in silence and then grabbed a giant shovel to scoop the manure with. She threw James the other shovel. “Get to work,” she barked. James sighed, but took the shovel and started mucking out the stall. They worked in silence for a good long while until James forced himself to break the silence. “Okay, this isn’t too hard to do, but the smell sucks,” James said, giving Audrey one of his crooked, half smiles. He was trying to make her laugh, but she didn’t. She simply smiled and kept her eyes on the floor.
Grace sat patiently on the bail of hay for about 20 minutes. Then, she started to get anxious. She was told that she took a nasty fall off of her horse, Rebel, so she was more than a little afraid to go through therapy with him. What if he threw her off again, and this time she didn’t make it through? That would mean leaving this James guy behind. She didn’t know much about him, but she knew that she felt some sort of innate sense of something for him. At one point in time, she imagined that she had loved him very deeply and she very much wanted to love him again…she just didn’t know how to begin.
Grace walked out of the entrance of the barn and over to the picket fence. The white paint was chipping from the wood. She picked at it with her fingernails until one of them started bleeding. “Oh…” she whimpered. She hadn’t even noticed what she had been doing. The chip of white paint stuck under her nail and dug further into the delicate skin there as she tried to get it out.
Back in the barn, Audrey and James were beginning to finish up. “I need to wash up,” Audrey said quietly. James turned to watch her walk to the back of the barn where the water hose was. He followed her, hoping to apologize for what he had said to her earlier. When he approached her, his shadow loomed over her, and cast a grey darkness on her face. She slowly looked up, already knowing who was standing there.
“Oh James, what do you want,” she said, her voice like ten thousand razors cutting into him not because it was angry, but because it was sad and familiar. “Audy, I’m sorry about earlier. I didn’t mean what I said and I know that I sounded like an idiot jerk,” he said. Audrey fiddled with the sprayer nozzle on the hose. “Yeah, you sure did,” she said jokingly. She lifter her head so that her eyes met his. She smiled gently, letting him know that this was her was of accepting his apology. “Do you want me to get that nozzle off, or are you going to be here all day,” James said, his crooked half smile returning. “All right, all right,” she said, surrendering the sprayer nozzle on the hose over to James. She raised herself to his level and stood with her hand on her left hip. She giggled and smirked as he messed around with the nozzle for a good five minutes.
PSHHHHHH! The nozzle made a hissing sound and just as James put his face next to it to see where the noise was coming from, a rush of freezing cold water hit him square in the face. “Ahhhhhh,” he yelled, jumping back and releasing the hose. Audrey was crouched beside the valve that turned the water on, her hand suspiciously poised on the lever. She was laughing harder than James had ever heard her laugh. Her hair tumbled down from the messy bun that she had it in, and she threw her head back and laughed long and hard. James, overcome with a sense of happiness that he hadn’t felt in a long time, fell to the ground next to Audrey and laughed until his eyes were watering. Their loud cackles dwindled into sporadic giggles. Finally, Audrey sighed loudly and put her hand on James’ knee. “This was fun,” she said, her heart racing. James’ heart picked up speed as well. “Yeah, it was,” he replied. Just then, the unthinkable happened. He turned to get up and Audrey grabbed his hand. Pulling him close to her, she wrapped her arms around his waist and pressed her body up against his. “I never stopped loving you,” she whispered. And with that, she kissed him deeply... and he kissed her back. Wait, what was he doing? He loved Grace. No, he used to… but did he still?
Grace winced at the pain in her finger. The paint chip under her nail sent pains shooting up her finger and down her forearm. She ran as fast as she could to find James. He always seemed to make things better for her. She ran to Rebel’s stall since that was where she had seen him last with Audrey. There was no sign of them. She walked aimlessly through the barn. Then, she heard the hissing of the water hose. They must be washing up in the back. She rounded the corner. What she saw broke her heart in two. The memories slowly but surely began flooding back into her brain.
There was the time that she and James had taken pictures in the field of wild flowers on Jones Lane. She had kicked off her flip flops and ran through the rows of purple poppies. Her eyes glistened with tears as she thought of it. James had begun to look through the viewfinder of her camera, but abruptly stopped. “God, you look amazingly beautiful,” he had whispered to her, his eyes saying all that he couldn’t.
Then there was the time that they had spent an entire night on her black leather couch. The thick smell of aged leather hung in the air as they kissed and held each other. They had stayed like that for hours, not once getting bored.
“How could you do this to me, James,” Grace found herself yelling. It didn’t even sound like her. She had never yelled so loud and with so much pain and hurt in her voice before. James and Audrey jumped, their lips ripping away from one another’s. “I hate you both,” Grace screamed. She turned on her heels and ran out of the barn and down the dirt road to nowhere just as fast as she could. She didn’t even get a chance to let James explain. She didn’t need to. He didn’t love her anymore, and that was all she needed to know. Grace really didn’t want to hear any more.
~
Grace ran just as fast as her feet would take her. She heard nothing but the pounding of her red pumas on the ground and her erratic breath. She just wanted to get as far away from both of them as possible.
The trees seemed to sway in the wind with a sense of regret and sorrow, which was just how Grace felt: regretful and sad. Why did she have to remember everything now? Or better yet, why did she even have to get on that horse? If it weren’t for Rebel, she wouldn’t be in this mess. Right? Of course, this wasn’t so, but to Grace it was the perfect thing to blame all of her problems on. When the doctor had told her that this wouldn’t be easy, she had believed him but she didn’t think things would be this hard. The soft, steady wind ripped through her hair and with one quick motion, she pulled the pony tail holder out and let her hair tumble down the top of her back.
Grace stopped at a small creek lined with beautiful poplars. She sat beneath the shade of one of the trees and took off her shoes. Slowly, she dipped her feet into the cold water. It felt good to her hot, pounding feet. “Grace,” a voice interrupted. She whipped around, her soft curls smacking her in the face. “What do you want,” she snapped when she saw Audrey standing there, James not too far behind her. “I don’t want to speak to either of you ever again so you might as well get away from me right now.”
“Oh, Gracie…” Audrey began slowly and soothingly. “Shut up! You get away from me! You are not my best friend. You are hardly even the girl that I used to know. You are a lying, backstabbing, horrible person!” Audrey’s eyes welled up with tears, hot tears, which pierced her eyes. She looked down at her feet and began to shake and sob uncontrollably. “Don’t you dare act like this is hurting you more than it’s hurting me,” Grace screamed at Audrey. “You kissed him! He is my boyfriend. He doesn’t love you, Audy! He never did!”
“Now, Grace that’s enough,” James yelled. “I know you’re mad at her, but this isn’t all about you and how hurt you are.” Grace stood up and slowly walked over to where James was standing. He took a step back when he saw the look on her face. Her eyebrows were wrinkled in a frown and tears were poised at the edges of her eyelids. “I hate you the most,” she whispered, and then started walking off once more, leaving her new red pumas under the tree. “Grace, don’t do this. Don’t you dare run away when things get hard,” he yelled after her. Grace stopped abruptly, her posture becoming rigid. She turned around sharply and looked at James, tears streaming down her pink, flushed cheeks. She walked up to him again very slowly. Grace slapped James hard across the cheek, so hard that it turned his head to the side, leaving a red print on his face. “What part of ‘I hate you’ don’t you understand?” And with that, she began to run faster than ever before.
Audrey collapsed under the tree and cried in her hands. She tried to breathe normally, but found it was impossible. Her sobs were shaking her whole body. James was conflicted. What should he do? Comfort the girl that he might be having feelings for, or the girl that he had always loved and had hurt so badly. “Grace, wait!”
Grace started running when she heard James calling after her. “Get away from me,” she screamed into the wind. Her right foot crushed into a rock. She fell hard on her stomach, knocking the wind out of herself. “Oh, Grace,” James whispered in her ear as he pulled her up to him. They sat on the ground looking at the dirt beneath them. “Just because things are hard right now doesn’t mean that I’m going to leave you to deal with all of this by yourself,” he said to her, his own eyes beginning to tear up. He sniffed and then waved the tears away with a shake of his head. “You know, I used to believe that,” she whispered. Grace started breathing harder; fighting the tears away was becoming difficult.
“I never stopped loving you, Grace, and I never ever will.”
”It’s too late to say that, James. Don’t you think it’s too late!? You broke my heart when you kissed her and at that point in time you didn’t care. You didn’t start caring until you were confronted with all of these problems.” Grace’s voice cracked when she said the word ‘problems’.
“Baby, don’t cry…”
“Too late.”
”I’ll do anything to make you happy again. This is all my fault and I want to make you happy again. I want to make you trust me again. I want you to love me again.”
“I wont be happy for a while. I don’t know if I can trust you again. And sadly, I never stopped loving you.” Grace got up, and started slowly walking home. She didn’t want to hear anymore. She couldn’t look at his face any longer because as mad as she was at him right then she still loved him. She even wanted to kiss him and make all the rest of the world disappear.
As soon as she turned away from him, James started sobbing. It was becoming too much, but he wasn’t about to leave her alone.
~
It was a long walk home, and it seemed even longer without any shoes. Grace tried to pass the time by humming some of her favorite songs, but she couldn’t remember any. However, one line stuck in her head: “I know a girl. She puts the color inside of my world.” Why in the world would such a line stick in her head? It seemed so familiar and yet so foreign at the same time. It was like she knew the song by heart, but it had been so long since she had heard it, that she couldn’t quite remember it all.
Grace approached her white, ranch style house, walked up the wooden steps to the porch, and opened the squeaky screen door. It closed with a loud clap. “Honey, is that you,” she heard her mother call from the living room. Grace stood in the kitchen, her hands hanging limply by her sides, and her hair wildly windblown around her face. The bottoms of her feet ached from walking miles on the rocky dirt road. “Yeah, mamma it’s me,” Grace called back from the kitchen. She heard her mother jump out of her seat and run toward the kitchen. Grace tried to escape her mother’s many questions by going upstairs to her room.
“Honey, wait! Is your memory back?” Grace looked at her mother’s wide blue eyes. “Some of it,” Grace simply said. “Only the major things. I can’t remember details.” Her mother stood there with wide eyes and an open jaw. “Oh my… oh, honey this is so wonderful. I’m going to go call your father at work!” With that, her mother scampered off to the phone. Grace sighed. “If you say so…”
Grace walked up the stairs, unsure of what she might find. She held onto the cold door knob with both hands. Behind that door was everything about Grace’s life: her horse medals, love notes from James, funny pictures with Audrey, magazines, and the pictures she and James had taken that day in the flower field.
The door almost seemed to open by itself. It was like it was too eager to wait for her to open it. She stood in the doorway and took it all in. Her room was blue…almost a turquoise color. She loved the way it looked. Her bed was neatly made with many pillows and a ratty old teddy bear sitting in the middle. Grace walked a little ways into her room and ran her hand along the smooth wood of her desk as she sauntered by. She stopped cold in her tracks. Slowly, she turned her head and gazed at the framed picture on her mantle. It was of her, laughing with her eyes closed and mouth open. She looked like she was laughing very hard. Her hair was pinned on one side with a glittery clip and she was wearing a white gauzy sun dress. She was sitting in a field of purple poppies. James must have taken it when they went to the field of flowers last June. That was when they had first begun dating. Things were different now. He was different and she was drastically different.
Suddenly, a wave of extreme anger washed over her. Grace took the picture frame and threw it across the room. It hit her wall and shattered. Then, she ran over to it and took the picture out. She carefully folded it and put it in her pocket, wishing that James were here. She needed to tell him something.
“Mom, I’m going out,” Grace called as she ran out of her house, the screen door slamming on her way out. Grace had managed to find that same white gauzy sun dress and the pair of sandals that she had been wearing on that day that they had taken the pictures. She didn’t know how she knew where to go, but she went none the less.
She remembered seeing the field of flowers as they all had been driving to her house. It seemed much more colorful now that she was outside the confines of the car and all alone. She slipped off her sandals and let her sore feet relax on the soft grass. The flowers were so vibrantly purple that it momentarily took her breath away. The sun was shining in full glory and there was only a slight breeze now. It was just enough to make it not so hot outside. Grace walked out to the middle of the huge field and laid down. Now, she had to wait.
She didn’t quite know what she was waiting for. Maybe she was waiting for James to find her with his camera in hand. She wanted him to take pictures and she wanted things to be like they used to be. She desperately wanted to laugh like she did on that day. Grace wanted to remember what it felt like to be that happy.
James was walking on the dirt road back to his house. He left Audrey in the poplar grove. She said that she needed to be alone and think for a while. He had Grace’s red pumas in his right hand and his digital camera in the other. He needed to take pictures. Photography was his escape from the world around him and into a world that was nothing but captured moments.


* more to come soon!