Being Found

To be lost in a foreign town is frustrating. To be lost in a new school is annoying. To be lost within yourself, is the worst, and most frightening thing that can ever happen in your life. The one thing that each person can say they have in this world is themselves. But when you do not even have yourself to fall back on, your world is in shambles. For some people, it takes counseling, a brush with death, a terminal illness, or a loving family to help you find yourself. For me, it was a song. Amazing Grace, a church hymn, brought my soul back to life.
Before this resurrection of my soul, I rarely attended church, infrequently at best. I did not ask God for forgiveness, and I did not confess my sins. I turned my nose down on those who put God first in their lives, criticized even. I felt that they had better things to do then spend their summers in a youth camp or volunteering to work at their church. When my parents dragged me to church, I sat down in defiance, while everyone else stood in prayer. My parents tried to get through to me, and I told them they could force it on me, I still will not believe. I did not believe that one man , or being, or whatever, could be responsible for this world. To me, there was a scientific reason for everything.

My faith in myself, as well as God, faltered. I floated through life on a pedestal of naiveté. I figured I would just make it through life on my own accord, with out the assistance of a “supreme being”. I hated this Amazing Grace song, why would it be played at a funeral? No one is being found at a funeral It was irritating the hell out of me because I could not figure out how some one could be found, when all the while, I really needed to be found myself.

One of the lowest points in my life occurred at the first time I really listened to this song. I was standing in a pew, angrier at the world than I had ever been. I did not understand the purpose of my love, when it was bound to be lost. I was completely confounded as to why I even existed. “What is the point?”, I asked myself repeatedly. Why do I need to be here, when there is nothing afterwards, and all I am going to face is love and loss, and hardships? Why should I even put myself through this agony?

After listening to the hymn, I walked outside. I just stood there. I felt like my life was hopeless, with out any momentum or point. Some people profess to be strong at the low points in their lives, but I was not. I was the farthest from strong anyone could get. I was weaker than anyone knew or dreamt about. My best friends in the world who I love more than life,were not even aware of my hopelessness. However, I never thought that I should end my life I just thought it was pointless. My parents, perhaps, were more naïve that I was. They thought I was a bouncing happy fifteen year old, which was what everyone thought I was. Not only was I struggling with issues about existence, but I was struggling with confidence. I never felt confident, and walked through life being unsure of everything I did. I became pretty good at pretending to be sure of myself, confident and knowledgeable. In reality I was struggling to be myself, to have my own thoughts, to be confident, and to know where I stand in the world.

I continued to stand there in front of the church, feeling the emptiness surround me. I tilted my head back on my shoulders, my face tilted to the sun, and just let out a cry of frustration. The stupid amazing grace song continued to play in my head over and over. I wanted it to stop more badly than I wanted anything in my life. I started to think about God, and how everyone thinks he plays a role in everything. I wanted to ask people, “Okay, if God really exists, and “loves me” then why do I hurt? Why does anyone hurt if God loves them as much as everyone claims? Why are people killed, starving, or suffering? Where is your God while all of this is happening? Looking blindly in the other direction? No, he is non-existent!

So why did I feel guilty when I thought this? Why did I suddenly feel sick to my stomach? I had never felt such a surge of regret my entire life. From deep within the recesses of my heart something told me it was not true. A part of me, that had been hibernating for some time, awoke. I came to the realization that I have been so persistent in non-believing , that I actually believe. There has to be something after life. The thought of black nothingness for an eternity is too horrifying. There has to be a purpose for my existence. If that purpose is only to love as many people as I can, then that’s what I will do. I can not just be here for the ride. Everything we do in life has a purpose no matter what, so does life have a purpose? It has to!

As for believing in myself, what was I thinking? Why had I ever thought that some one else’s opinions mattered? Why should I conform to the ridiculous stereotypes? Why should I have to sacrifice myself, to believe what other people believe? I should not have to do anything that I do not believe in. I am myself, not a stereotype, and that’s how its going to be. If you don’t like me, I don’t care. I am not going to pretend to be some one I am not to make you happy. I have myself to fall back on, so if you leave, I will be okay. I am me, and that is not going to change for anyone.

So at the end of all this do I believe in God? I don’t know. But I do believe in possibilities. I have not found the right choice for me, but I have faith that some day, I will figure it all out. When that time comes, I will embrace it with open arms. Until then, I will ponder. I still do not attend church often, but now I don’t criticize. Instead I wonder if they are right, and take their opinions into consideration. In my heart I know something out there has put me here for a reason. I do not know what, who or how, but I am dealing with it. I’m not even sure which religion is right. How can all these religions be right? Which one is wrong? I don’t know! But I have learned uncertainty is okay. Its okay to question what is right and what is wrong. Its okay to question everything. If no one questioned anything, we would not be where we are in life today.

At the end of all this do I believe in myself? Hell yeah. Petty indifferences no longer matter. Drama is a thing of the past. Confidence is in the present. I know that if I feel strongly about something, I will make it happen. If I think something isn’t right, I will tell you, with out fear of what people will think of me. I could care less about what people think about my figure, or my clothes. I am happy with it, so it okay. It is a very joyous feeling to be able to say that with confidence.

The hymn Amazing Grace did impact my life. No, Grace did not fly out of the heavens and rescue me. But she helped me rescue myself. She caused me to ponder about God, and myself, and that changed my perspective on life. My genuine hating of his hymn is what caused me to sit down and think about my life. Now, I know that love is worth having, even if you might lose it one day. Now I can say with confidence that I know who I am, and that is a very empowering thing. I may not know what lies ahead, or where I am going, but I know that in my future, I will be heading down a road that will be rocky, but in the end it will be okay. That knowledge is enough for me.