God's calling

         We are all called, each with our own specific gifts. Each one of us, destined to further the cause of Christ. Even before we are saved, our potential is hidden beneath the darkness, waiting for the right time. Waiting for the light to touch it, so that it might bloom.
         Even in the days when I had thought I could turn my back and run from my own sins, I would stumble. My gift waiting for me to take hold of it, longing to be used. I thought that I could change the world. But it was not the time, nor was I ready to take on such responsibility that was not mine.
         Deep within myself, I felt a pull, but I did not know what that pull was or how to use it. Later I would realize that God was calling me, even before I was ready to call on him.
         I can recall with certain clarity, conversations held with God.
         “They say you answer prayers if I just believe. Well, I believe. I’m a sinner, but I still believe.” I sat on the porch looking up at the stars; waiting for an answer I felt never came. It came, but without the timing I expected in my life.
         I needed time. Time to fully come to Him. Time to sort through the things that had happened. I needed an open ear, and God provided. He had performed the miracles, now He was waiting on me.
         Two years prior to this, I was amazed by a young woman who was struggling with her life. She was living in a small rundown house, caring for her three children (one of whom had a disability). To add to her responsibility, she was caring for her sister’s two boys( and yes, one them had a disability as well). As rough as her life was, she praised God for it everyday. Everyday, she thanked God. I took her some heaters in the winter time. I gave her what I could.
         Everyday at work, she witnessed to me. She finally asked me one day, “Are you saved?”
         I told her, “Yeah, I’m saved. I got saved when I was around 8 or 9.”
         “Are you going to heaven?”
         “Yeah, I told you I was saved when I was a little girl. I said the prayer, I got saved.”
         “Were you baptized?”
         “Yeah, when I was little.”
         She finally dropped the issue, and instead, she read her Bible during our breaks, she would pray, she would tell me about God. Every chance she had, she showed me with her life what it meant to be a Christian. What it meant to be touched by the Holy Spirit living in your life.
         One day she came up to me and she said, “I had a dream about you. Your boyfriend had stolen all of your money, he was on drugs, and you were crying. I dreamed he left you for another woman.”
         “No, he’s not on drugs, he wouldn’t take my money, and he will never hurt me.”
         She looked me right in the eye and said, “God wants to bless you, but you will never be blessed as long as you are living in sin.”
         How dare she!
         I was appalled! I was living in sin with a man who would never marry me, but whom I would carry his child. I was living in sin, because although I had confessed my sin when I was young and said the sinner’s prayer, I did not know what it meant to be saved. I was living in sin, chose to be in that sin, but I wasn’t ready to change or turn from it. I was comfortable living in that sin.
         But the worst part of it all, I was living in a lie. My entire life was built around a lie. A lie that told me I was happy and would never have anything else. This was the best I could do. And I believed that lie!
         The great part about my friend is that she rubbed off on me a little. And here is where the miracles played a big part in my life.
         I put in for a promotion. A job that I was more qualified for: working in the office of the plant instead of the labor part of the plant. I studied and updated my computer skills. After all, I figured if I could write a program for one of them things, I could certainly operate an existing one.
         I waited and waited. Someone had rumored that the job went to someone with a college degree, but I held on to hope. Then I saw an ad in the paper: Wanted. Work Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. Get paid for a week’s work.
         I thought, that sounds great! I could be with my new baby all week. I could be there for CJ at school. This was perfect! But was it God’s plan for me?
         What would Donna do? She would pray! So I prayed. “Lord, if this is what I should do, give me a sign. Amen.” After all, people asked for signs when they wanted direction, right?
         An hour later, I had my sign. My job promotion slip came back as: Job given to someone more qualified. Thank you for your interest in the job.
         Well, the next day, I stayed out of work. I went and applied for the job, which I got. It was all a part of God’s plan, right? See, I was still questioning God’s hand in my life.
         During my exit interview, I found out that the job slip was a mistake. I had been offered a job, just not the one I wanted. Because I knew so much about the product, they wanted me to sell the product. But I politely declined. God had spoken, I was convinced. Anything other than that might bring about a wrath that I did not want.
         The new job offered me an opportunity for more money and I took it. I stopped working just the weekends and went full time with lots of over time. But I just couldn’t figure out why I was working 72 hours a week and still we did not have enough money to pay the bills. Where was all the money going?
         The phone calls from the bill collectors got so bad, I bought an answering machine. That was the second miracle God performed for me. There was a call came in, the person hung up without leaving a message, then called someone else. The someone else was my boyfriend, the person hanging up was his new girlfriend, and what I heard was the whole sordid story. Somehow the answering machine did not hang up but instead, it still kept the connection. I was learning a horrible truth.
         I left, took my children and barely the clothes on our backs and what I could shove into a garbage bag.
         God saved me so many times. He rushed in at the last moment, rescued me, and still I refused to accept His Sovereignty in my life. Still I refused to submit to God and turn from sin. I received a Bible for Christmas that first year. I sat it aside, picking it up when I wanted something to read. I sat outside, crying so my children would not see me. I sat there talking to God.
         I felt so alone during those times. I had sin still trying to pull me back. My ex refused to leave me alone. He wanted me back to pay for all of his escapades. I just wanted answers.
         I begged to be rescued, to find something that would last. I wanted to find where I needed to be. God had performed lots of miracles. He was still in the miracle business. He did things last minute to get the glory that I never gave Him. He still called and I still hid.
         My life did not start to change, instead it went downhill. I began to hang with the wrong crowd. They drank and did drugs. I figured as long as I was just drinking, it wasn’t that bad. But one night God brought me to my knees. After drinking until I passed out; I woke up sober and in pain. I had never in my life felt pain like this. I crawled out onto the porch, crying in agony.
         I thought to myself, “I’m going to die. My children will not have anyone.”
There was no one who could drive. My friends did not have a phone. I was not capable of driving. What was I going to do?
         “God, please. If you will let me live. If you will take the pain away. I know I have made these promises before, but I mean it this time. Please, God, just heal me. I will change. I will quit drinking. I will straighten my life up. Please, Lord, just help me.”
         When I woke up the pain was gone. I quit drinking not long after that, and I stopped hanging around my friends. But I still was not where God wanted me. You can change the outward appearance, but you can’t change the inward appearance without letting Jesus in to do the work.
         When I met Tony, a lot in my life changed. Our first date almost wasn’t. I saw the sign on the back of his car: I’m the Christian the Devil doesn’t want you to meet. I thought to myself, I am not worthy enough to go out with this man. I’m a sinner. He wants to date me.
         I recognized myself as a sinner, but I did not think myself worthy of Salvation. What plan or purpose could God ever hope to have in me? I had no idea the things that I would get to do all for the name of Jesus!
         I prayed for God to send me someone he thought I needed. Funny, Tony said he prayed the same thing.
         The first time Tony took me to church, I committed myself over to the Lord. Our first year of marriage brought with it lots of obstacles, but through God’s mercy and grace, we made it through. New Years Day, two months after we were married, I had to have surgery.
         I told Tony that I had to have surgery. He asked how I knew. I said, “A man dressed in a long royal blue robe stood at the foot of my bed. He said, “Tony relies on you for his faith. Tony has to have faith himself. You’re going to have surgery, but you will come through a lot stronger.”
         After the surgery, the surgeon had asked me when my appendix had ruptured the first time. He said I should have been dead then, but scar tissue had formed around it, and saved me. I told him, “No, God saved me.” I knew the day, the hour. God had saved me.