Haiku and Differences

Haiku

My granddaughter, one year old.
Won’t nap. Gets teeth.
Pa loses teeth. Naps. So old.

I am different

Reading and participating in online journaling has reinforced a conclusion that I came to last year. I am fundamentally different from a lot, even most people. This characteristic has caused me a lot of angst since childhood on. When my parents noticed that I would often prefer to stay home and devour science fiction – Asimov, Clarke, and Heinlein – instead of being out playing sports with other guys, they became worried. They just about required me to go out and play. My mother’s anxiety was overwhelming (she later was diagnosed with an anxiety disorder). She wanted me to “change” and talk more. But, about what? I was excited about the space race that was taking place and wanted to be an astronaut, but didn’t follow sports much. And that was a lot of what the guys talked about.

The result of this childhood and adolescent experience was not a change from a classic introvert to an extrovert, no matter how I hard I tried. Instead my self-esteem and self confidence dropped and I became even more withdrawn. This caused me to miss something that would have boosted my self-esteem – the opposite sex. I caused a girl who had a crush on me to feel rejected; I didn’t reciprocate feelers from a girl who seemed to go beyond my shyness to recognize my good qualities. And both these girls were nice, good looking and popular.

Yet, last year when scoring grade school and high school test papers, I noticed a marked difference in the way students thought, which was reflected in their responses. Most of the responses were regurgitation – a memorized repeat of what the teacher taught. But, a few got it, in my opinion; they used reason, logic and analytical thought to answer the questions. It stood out in my mind and I felt a sympathetic resonance with them. And the proportion of thinkers to memorizers didn’t vary from fifth grade to 12th. I concluded that this must be an inherent, genetic characteristic, not a learned one.

These students think like me, so I am not alone in the world. And, I noticed that my brother thought like me – he too was more interested in politics than sport, thought analytically and had a working class point of view, and my father was the same way. My sons exhibit many of the same traits too. But, they appear to be much better adjusted socially. Although they have a streak of introversion too.

These observations have caused me to feel better about myself, even when others try to put me down. While I am not now, nor will I ever me an extrovert, I feel more social self confidence than I did as a child and adolescent. I am comfortable in my environment and even in new ones like online.

If you feel different, you can either be ashamed of it and try to hide it and conform. Or you can be proud of it and proud of your self. Here I am get used to me!