I Was a Teenage Bagboy

“I Was a Teenage Bagboy”
By: Terry D. Roehrig II

J-O-B. Three simple letters from the English alphabet. But when they’re put together, they spell one of the most hated words in the English language. Over half of working Americans hate their job. About a quarter of them are delusional idiots who think they like their job. And about a third of them actually DO enjoy their job. Tom Cruise, Bill Gates, Oprah Winfrey, just to name a few. But I digress…this story isn’t about those high-powered mucky mucks and the “hard-earned” money they make. No siree. This story’s about a sixteen-year-old young man who landed his first real job. And he LOVED it. Sorta.

My first real job was a bagger at the local U-Save supermarket. You may have not heard about U-Save supermarkets. They went bankrupt somewhere around 1993. This supermarket wasn’t the greatest supermarket. No “buy one, get one” deals. No free samples. No fantastic giveaways. But they did try. By providing excellent customer service! Ok, “excellent” is a strong word. They provided moderate customer service! Aw, poop…what the hell am I saying? The bagboys wore ties. That’s about as good as it got around there. I applied for the job (along with several other ones) with my best friend, Chris. Chris and I met in High School as freshmen. Or “fresh meat” as the seniors liked to say. We had practically every class together. One day my older brother and I were driving home and as it turned out, Chris lived one street up from us. So, seeing as avoidance was damn near impossible, Chris and I were virtually inseparable throughout High School. So, not only were we neighbors, best friends and study buddies, we were also co-workers. When we actually worked, that is.

U-Save was going through some store modifications, if you will. They were desperately trying to change their image and reputation. Hence the hiring of some young, fresh help. You know the type: Eager, willing, determined and just the right amount of stupidity to do the things the old help got tired of doing. Hell, we were excited to just BE there! Nothing ruins my day more than some young buck coming to work happy. Happy for Christ’s sake! Bright-eyed, bushy-tailed, spring-in-their-step, smiling, cheerful bastards. You just want to find the nearest can of creamed corn and smash that perkiness right off their face, didn’t ya? It was like nothing could bring them down. They could have just lost their feet in an industrial accident and be all: “Think of the money I’ll save on shoes! Wa-hoo!”

This hiring of an entirely new, young crew was the brainchild of U-Save’s third-shift manager, Mr. Kevin Strickland. Don’t let the stern-sounding name fool you, he was as much a kid as my buddy Chris and I were. Whereas the other managers we had to call “mister” and “missus”, Mr. Strickland just wanted simply to be called Kevin. Kevin was a sixteen-year-old boy trapped inside a twenty-eight-year-old man’s body. He had the spare tire gut going on and everything. He loved his new crew and he was pretty easygoing. Didn’t mind you goofing around as long as the work got done. And you couldn’t finish a day at U-Save without having Kevin try to out-fart Chris. I’ll never forget Gas-A-Palooza ‘92. My sense of smell didn’t come back to me until a couple of months after I quit U-Save. Since I told you about the cool manager, I might as well fill you in on the rest. Mr. Sakallaris. What a tool. This was the store’s Assistant Manager. His sole purpose was to make sure no one was having fun. Let me just tell you, he sure was damn good at his job. The man could turn a wild bachelor party into Sunday night at your grandparent’s house. Listening to this man was like watching C-SPAN on Valium. The store Manager’s name was Mr. King. And boy, he sure thought he was. If he were my King, I would certainly revolt. Every time Mr. King spoke to me, I would have to wait 30-40 minutes before operating any heavy machinery due to the constant wave of beer breath coming at me. And when he wasn’t bossing me around through slurred speech, he could often be found sleeping his office, which was behind the pharmacy. Nice management, eh? Is it any wonder why U-Save folded?
The new mind-blowing neon signs, the flashy commercials with the cheesy jingle: “When you shop at U-Save…you really do-o-o-o-….save! (monotone) U-Save…you really do!” and the hiring of the magnificent seven. Some less magnificent than others. Trust me. Plus, “the magnificent seven” sure sounds a whole hell of a lot better than saying, “the hiring of one excellent, three good, two decent and one what-the-hell-were-we-thinking”. Thus, a new era of grocery shopping was born. Frank was there before any of us. He was the only one that was spared in the whole “out-with-the-old, in-with-the-new” process. Before I start talking about Frank, let me get one thing perfectly clear. I liked Frank. Frank’s a great guy. Just not the brightest bulb in the box. Frank’s the kind of offspring that you would get if your baby stayed in the womb too long - like say an extra five months. Frank was single, mid-twenties, still lived with his Mother, rode his bike to work and he was sort of a cross between Forrest Gump and Steven Wright. I don’t have to tell you how much Frank got picked on.

Guytano (pronounced Guy-Tah-No) was the absolute opposite of Frank. Guy, as we called him, just moved to Florida from New Yawk. His accent was almost as thick as his body hair. Guy got the job and he somehow managed to get his fiancée, Gina, a job up front as cashier. I told Gina that she was going to have to change her name to Gal if she expected us to remember her. Great couple those two. I threw out my Brooklyn-to-English dictionary after only one month of working with them. Now…Tony has an interesting story. Very normal, very average kid…with one exception. Tony came complete with his very own personal assistant, his girlfriend. Tony’s girlfriend, however, did not work at U-Save. You would think she did. She always put in more hours than I did. Kevin got so used to Tony’s girlfriend going Tony’s work that he stopped telling him what to do and just handed Tony’s to-do list to her. Ah, to be young and in love. Stupid teenagers. Don’t get me wrong. I’m not a cynic on love, I’m just bitter because I didn’t find one that was that obsessed with me.

So far, you’ve met five people: Tony, Guy, Frank, Chris and myself. The last two are very hard to describe without being cliché. So, I’ll try my best. First, there’s James. Sweet kid, that James. Known him since grade school, still friends with him to this day. Yep, sweet kid. And, as it turns out likes a lot of sweets. A lot of them. Yep, you guessed it, James is a pretty big guy. And last, but not least, but most definitely last in pretty much everything was Randy. Randy was the last one hired, the smallest rung on the ladder, low man on the totem pole. And at U-Save, that’s one place you certainly don’t want to be. Randy was the King of the Geeks. To say that Randy was “picked-on” is putting it mildly. Abuse sounds about right. The poor boy probably spent years in therapy when three of the other bagboys held him down and confiscated his shoes. And it didn’t make the situation any better when Mr. King took those shoes and filled them up with cottage cheese. Yeah, everyone loved picking on Randy.

A typical day for me included getting up (trust me, it is a chore), going to school, then heading to work. And I actually looked forward to work. I don’t really know why I enjoyed work. I mean, work’s work. Maybe it was the thrill of doing a good job? Perhaps it made me feel needed…dare I say important? Nah! I guarantee it was what came after work that made me work so hard and diligently. Play time. Of course, we played a little bit before the work got done, but not too often. We still had to wait for Drunky & Grumpy to leave. Drunky & Grumpy…I like that. Sounds like a hit sitcom I can sell to Fox. But, after work was done, those are some of the best memories I have about U-Save. We would turn off the overhead lights and play the coolest game of “Hide-and-Seek” that you ever did see. Poor Randy. I’ll never forget the expression on his face as I leaped from behind a towering stack of cereal. I had Kevin and Chris cleverly hide me and then cover me up before they hid themselves. I reached out from behind my display of Cap’n Crunch and yanked on his arm. Randy didn’t know what to do. Pure instinct took over. He screamed and started to blindly kick and punch. Before I knew it, he had landed a hit square in my crunch berries.

Funny how games I haven’t played since childhood were so appealing. Besides “Hide-and-Seek”, we played “Tag”, “Marco Polo” and “Shopping Cart Demolition Derby”. Ok, maybe that last one I didn’t play as a kid. I sure wish I did. Pretty simple game really. One person sat in the cart while another person handled the controls. Yeah, that’s it…controls. It was a big, wide, red handlebar that they held as they ran at top speed toward the other cart before they released it. Whichever one was left standing upright after the collision, won the match. See, another thing about the renovation is that U-Save got these really big carts. We could have fit two bagboys in those carts if we wanted to. Providing one of those bagboys wasn’t James, that is. Yep, life was good. Then, my happiness faded fast one Monday afternoon when I showed up for work. My most terrifying nightmare came true. No, it wasn’t the one where I showed up to work naked and wet myself in front of everyone. No, it was worse. Much, much worse. My mother was standing behind one of the cashiers, wearing a U-Save uniform and a pin politely stating “Sorry if I make a boo-boo, it’s partly because I’m new!” I could almost feel the urine slowly starting to trickle down my leg.

In an instant, life as I knew it had changed. Now, instead of Randy being the lowly whipping boy, it would be me. Gone were the days of carefree innocence. No longer would I be able to stay out till all hours of the night and blame work. Work was no longer going to be fun. As Chris came strolling into the store behind me whistling and smiling, I searched for the nearest can of creamed corn. Then, something happened that I least expected. Trista, one of U-Save’s cutest cashiers looked over at me and then casually leaned over to my Mom and whispered something in her ear. Now, instead of wanting to be at work, I wanted to be home. I wanted to be with my Mommy! And I didn’t care who knew! Mom was getting the inside “dope” on what one of U-Save’s cutest cashiers thought about me. How cool was that?! I worked harder and faster than anyone there that day. I stocked shelves so fast, you would have thought my name was Speedy Gonzalez. And when I got home that night, I got all the juicy “inside information” from El Mommo Capitano. See….since I’m a guy it’s “inside information” - if I were a woman, it would be “gossip”. Men don’t gossip. We may get the dirt, we may get the scoop, but I’ll be damned if I am going to be accused of gossiping. Mom informed me that Trista was already in a relationship (boo) but that she was unhappy (yay). She stated that Trista thought I was cute (yay) but that she didn’t like the fact that I was shorter than her (boo). I actually bought those “special lifts” that you see advertised in magazines - you know the ones I’m talking about, right - it shows a picture of a small man weeping and then an arrow points to a taller version of the same man in some hot girl’s arms? How embarrassing. I waited two friggin’ weeks for those “special lifts”. Once I got them and placed them in my shoes, I could barely walk. I’ll never forget my first encounter with Trista. And I don’t think she ever will either. She was standing in the break room, smiling. I was “standing tall”, more proud and confident then I had ever been in my entire life. I smiled at her and she smiled back. I crossed the room and tripped over the special lifts in my shoes and fell right into her bosom.

So, as you can see, nothing really panned out between Trista and I. Even though I technically *did* get to second base with her. And I didn’t even have to buy her dinner. No, Mom had found out that there was someone else at U-Save that liked me. Her name was Kelle. Ah, Kelle. How do I describe Kelle? Kelle was young and beautiful and she liked me - I know, I was in shock, too. I remember Mom coming home and letting me know that Kelle liked me and thought that we should go out. See our parents worked together (at my Mom’s 2nd job), so Mom got to know them first and I guess Kelle mentioned something to her Mom about me and that information got back to my Mom and so forth. Are ya keeping up? There will be a quiz at the end of this story. There was one small, little, teensy-weensy problem. Kelle already had a boyfriend. Let’s call him Bob (some names have been changed to protect the innocent). I didn’t change mine or Kelle’s name because we weren’t that innocent. Heh heh. Kelle and Bob had been dating for awhile now, but it seems that Kelle wanted out. And Bob didn’t really get the hint. And after Kelle got the job at U-Save, Bob followed and got a job there as well. Talk about your love triangles. There were so many times where Kelle and I would be kissing and he’d walk in just barely missing the whole ordeal. Yeah, I know, I know. I’m a bad guy. But you guys don’t understand. Kelle was hot! And hot women have this power over me. I have done some of the dumbest things on the face of this Earth just because the woman was hot. Like the one time I let one dress me up in…you know what? I’m not going to finish that sentence! You’re just gonna have to buy my autobiography! (On bookshelves Summer 2007 - only $22.95 - or if you are a hot woman…you can probably just flash me…we’ll talk.)

The person that rode my ass the most about my relationship with Kelle was Mr. Kevin Strickland. Kevin gave me so much shit for betraying Bob the way I did. And he didn’t ride my ass because of what I was doing with Kelle behind Bob’s back, but the fact that Bob and I became friends. And I would talk to him and treat him as such. (Yes, I still feel bad about it - “Don’t Judge Me!”) See, Kevin can’t give me shit for what I was doing with Kelle because he was married and doing one of the cashiers there at U-Save. (I tell you we had some drama - I’ve got storylines for YEARS of material!) He was just mad because I treated Bob so nice to his face. And it’s not like Kelle didn’t tell Bob time and time again that she was done with their relationship - she did - several times over! Even though Kevin gave me hell and criticized me for what I was doing, he was always the first in line to get all the juicy “details” - like I said, we men don’t gossip. I never gave him any information (I never was one to kiss and tell) because I’m just not like that (told you I was nice!). I do know why he wanted details, though. See, not only was Kelle hot - but she also had the biggest…um…how do I put this without being rude or vulgar? There really is no way to. But I think you get the picture, dear readers. I mean, we were 16. And you just hardly see 16-year-olds built that way. She was like an adolescent’s dream come true. And as I look back on it, I can see why I got involved in a relationship like that. It was dangerous. Fun, exciting, and the chance to make out with a hot girl? Who wouldn’t? The adrenaline rush was enough to take your breath away. Bob finally split U-Save but not after paying me a visit one night, crying. He came by to talk about his woes, confide in his friend about his woman seeing some other guy. I felt like I needed those “special lifts” again - because I felt about two inches tall.

I felt bad for Bob, I really did. I mean, I know I was frustrated because he just didn’t get the idea that Kelle didn’t want him anymore. But, I still felt bad for him because he just didn’t get it!!! You know what I’m talking about?? You could tell someone - “Hey…the 70’s are gone, buddy…..lose the Leisure Suits!!” THAT’S Bob!! You could tell Bob - “Hey, Bob, Kelle don’t love you no more and she wishes you bye-bye!” Bob would look at you and say - “So, you’re saying that I should be more sensitive to her needs?” No, Bob, I’m telling you that she hates your guts and wishes that you would leave her alone forever! Of course I would never say that to him (neither would Kell) when he came over crying. I comforted him and told him that he just needed to move on with his life and that he deserved someone that was more appreciative of his feelings (Sorry, Kell.) He seemed to “eat up” this info and left my house very appreciative of my expertise. Yeah, this entire “lesson” coming from a virgin. I think Bob needed to look into his thinking of the word “expertise”. I recommend *all* people lose their virginity to people that they love - I know that *I* did. I am *proud* to say that *I* didn’t lose my virginity until I was 20. I know her first name - I know her last name and I still know how to get in contact with her this *very* day. Wow, I just realized something. My entire mortal life is right there - in black and white - and I can’t do anything about it. I can’t change it - now EVERYONE alive that reads this will know now that I didn’t have sex until I was 20. I mean, I did OTHER things before then…but, actual sex until I was 20? I must look like some sort of homo! Nahhhhhh…… it just means that I had good moral fiber and one HELLUVA good upbringing….thanks again, Mom! That’s NOT sarcastic! I mean it!! I could have had meaningless sex with so many bimbos (Mary Mary, how ya doing?) that’s it’s not even funny!! I waited…and I waited… *AND* I waited (Sorry, Brenda W., Emily A., Mary, Eileen, Shannon, and *SO* many others) but…. I *had* to. And, I, uh, didn’t mean to call all of my first girlfriends bimbos, FAR from it. I just used “bimbos” as a word to prove a point! And no, Kelle was NOT one of those persons. I was WAY TOO TERRIFIED of Kelle’s “expertise”. That and the *fact* that my Mom told me I was going to get some girl pregnant by just *TOUCHING* her. Yeah, my Mom was very LAX on giving me and my Brother the “sex” speech. But, all in all, I’m glad. I could have been a Dad at the age of 16. 16, for Christ’s sake!! That means that I could potentially have a *15* year-old person following me around right now!! (Yeah, I know - I’m an old FART! - Who wants to debate that with me, huh?? We’ll fight right now!!!! I mean, I'm *31* - I’ll kick your ass!!) How creepy would that be?? Me hitting on some 20-year-olds and my *KID* bringing them home!!

I walked into the break room and spied Frank biting into a sandwich. I asked him what kind of sandwich he was eating. He informed me that it was a “tomato sandwich”.
“Excuse me?” I questioned. “Tomato?”
“Yeah, tomato,” he said nonchalantly.
“Um, Frank,” I so eloquently started. “You’re *allergic* to tomatoes.”
“Yeah, I know,” he stated.
“If you KNOW, then why the HELL are ya eating them for?” I questioned.
“Well,” he said. “My Mom made them - I don’t want to waste them.”
Everyone there at U-Save was convinced that Frank’s Mom was out to kill him. But, I always wrote it off as an honest mistake. I should have known better. Frank was almost to his thirties, with a widowed mom with a social life…I should have seen it coming. He got sicker and sicker by the month. (Yeah, his Mom wanted him outta the picture *BAD*. Sad to say, but… *sigh*, I have to appear in court next month! Damn subpoenas!) But before Frank passed away - he taught me one of life’s most valuable lessons. Frank taught me about the value of coupons.
::shakes head:: Do you *really* think that I would write a story as frivolous as teenage sex, fun and promiscuous with the most abstaining value being that of “saving money”? I didn’t think so. Frank taught me more than the value of a buck. He taught me that *all* relationships were worth it. Whether they taught us how to learn, how to love, how to let go….that they *all* taught us something. Because even though his Mom poisoned him to death, he *did* still love her. Because she took care of him. Paid his bills, watched over him, and made sure that he was well taken care of. Sure, maybe her intentions on WHY she did what she did was wrong, but… the fact remains…..she LOVED him. Flat out. And that, my dear readers, is all that remains. Frank’s mother’s love. Sure, maybe a jury might see that she’s insane and require her to spend 30 years in a mental institution, but the fact remains that she loved him. Sure, it may be a *different* kind of love - but, love’s love, right? I can’t say that there is a happy ending to this story. I enjoyed the time that I *did* work at this store and I *did* enjoy the experience that I worked at this store and I wish *everyone* mentioned in this story a good life but…as they say…”life goes on”…and so be it. I will leave you all with this closing paragraph.

Working at U-Save *was* like being the star of a soap opera. You know how every television show you watch has opening credits and the main cast is displayed across the screen? It felt like that - some employees came and went (those were like guest stars), but there was always a main cast that you could tune in to each and every week to watch. And storylines? Hell, we had *MORE* than plenty! There was no shortage of drama around that place! Kevin and I would talk everyday about which Hollywood personality would play us if they ever made a Hollywood movie about U-Save. So, here it is…

I give you the CAST and CREW of

“As the Grocery Stocks…”


((a Terry D. Roehrig II production))
((of a Deansfilms, Inc. film ))
((written, produced, directed and HIGHLY TRADEMARKED by Terry Roehrig II))
(you think I’m kiddin?? You just check out Deansfilm, Inc., buddy)


Starring

Robert Downey, Jr. as “Mr. Strickland”
Stephen Root as “Mr. King”
Bruce Willis as “Mr. Sak”
David Spade as “Terry” (me - unless someone has a “better” version)
Emilio Estevez/Judd Nelson/Kevin Smith as “Chris”
Kenan Thompson as “James”
Chris Klein/Anthony Michael Hall/ or Matt Damon as “Randy”
Shia LaBeouf as “Tony”
A “young-esque John Travolta” as “Guytano”
Marisa Tomei as “Gina/Gal”
Meg Ryan as “………..” (the one who “Ah-ha! You thought YOU was going to find out WHO did her!!”)
((Buy the book, you cheapskates!!))
Thora Birch OR Jamie Pressly as “Kelle”
Paul Rudd as “Bob”
Mena Suvari OR Jaime Pressly (so versatile) as “Trista”
Dan Castellaneta as “Frank”
Melanie Griffith as “Terry’s (my) Mom”
And
Dan Haggerty as “Troy”