Dearly Beloved

We are gathered here today to witness the biggest mistake of my little brother’s life. I am standing in a tux that I had to take a second mortgage out on my soul to afford. Sweat pours down my face and under my collar. Damn, I’m uncomfortable. This is not how I had planned to spend my weekend off, but as always Eric decided to change everyone’s plans. What else can we do but go along with him? After all, he is the baby of the family.

This wedding is exactly like when Eric got accepted to USC. He demanded that we all drop everything and take time off work to throw him a huge going away party. We obliged, of course. The whole family showed up and acted like we were on the Jerry Springer show. Two fistfights and a bloody nose later, Eric was gone and the rest of us were left there to clean up the mess. He returned two weeks later saying that school just wasn’t for him.

While the rest of us are out in the world, struggling to survive, Eric sits on his ass at my parent’s house. He still lives with them, soaking up as much television and money as he can get. He shows no signs of actually growing up and getting the essentials of life, like a job. He doesn’t have to. He expects my parents to support him forever.

And now this wedding. It surprises me that Eric actually got off his ass long enough to find himself a girlfriend. I have to say they make a perfect match, both of them are incredibly immature and selfish. I met her for the first time two days ago when I arrived in town for this debacle. My first impression of her was not good. She spent the whole time whining about this and that. Who knew there were so many things to complain about in the world? She found every single one of them.

I scan the crowd from my place in the front. My mother is sitting in the front row, staring straight ahead. The worry lines are obvious on her face. By now, they have become permanent fixtures in her skin. Of everyone, she has had to take most of the worry. Last night, I talked to her after everyone had gone to bed.

“He’s not thinking at all. Jessica is going to ruin his life. She’s a spoiled little brat. She’s the one who wanted to get married. It was her idea to have this whole fairy tale wedding. And she’s the one who makes Eric come and ask us for money because she’s at the limit on all four of her credit cards. That bitch is the worst thing that has ever happened to our family.”

I might have argued that it wasn’t Jessica, but Eric himself who was the worst thing that ever happened to our family, but I didn’t. I just take a sip from my cold coffee and let my mother vent off her anger because that was what she needed.

“How they thought they were going to pull off this whole mess in two weeks is beyond me.”

It’s beyond everyone. No one understands how this wedding is actually taking place. It was just thrown together as if it was just an afterthought. Jessica wanted to be the fairy tale princess, but she wanted it big and fast. The result is that Cinderella’s wedding looks like shit.

My brother takes his place next to me, the best man. I am chosen for the position by default because no one else would take it. That and I am the only one who hasn’t called Eric on his severe lack of judgement. He flashes me a smile that is just about as phony as this whole wedding.

“Darren, straighten your tie. It looks terrible. Why didn’t you fix your hair like I told you? And, dammit, smile. It’s a wedding, not a funeral.”

But that’s exactly what it feels like. The whole crowd is just sitting there staring at the altar like it’s a casket. There isn’t a wet eye in the place. Everyone is just looking as if something has died, namely Eric’s intelligence. There is nothing I can do but stretch my lips into a thin smile and watch the show with the rest of the audience.

The music starts, filtering through the trees because Jessica thought it would be romantic. She is sorely mistaken. The noise only scares the birds out of their homes so that they can shower their droppings all over the ceremony. Mothers, grandmothers, aunts, and friends all check their dresses to make sure they are unmarked. Most are lucky, but others, like Jessica’s five hundred years old great grandmother did not fare well.

“That’s what she gets for demanding that this thing be outside.” I hear my mother whisper. Eric ignores it as if it is never uttered.

The bridal party begins to file down the aisle, beginning with the slutty cousin, who has slept with half the members of my family and some of her own, progressing to the bitter, vengeful aunt who is playing the maid of honor. The procession ends with the not so blushing bride. A smile is painted on her face, too perfect to be real. Over the wedding march, I can hear whispers about her audacity to wear white.

“Doesn’t she look beautiful.” My brother’s smile falters by a millimeter.

She looks fat. White is not her color. Someone needed to tell her that tan lines and an off the shoulder dress do not go together. I, of course, do not say these things. I just give him my best apathetic nod.

After what seems like far too long, Jessica finally reaches the altar. Eric stands next to her and they actually look like a normal couple and not like the least intelligent people on the planet. She is so pleased with herself that her smile actually grows and she lets out a high pitched giggle. There’s something I wouldn’t want to be stuck with for the rest of my life.

The minister steps up to them, taking in the couple. He looks about as convinced of the validity of this marriage as everyone else. What we all do see is two determined children who were are to get their way, no matter what.

“Dearly beloved…”

A booming clap of thunder rolling across the sky cuts him off. My ears ring from the noise. The storm has come out of nowhere, moving in without anyone noticing. Jessica’s perfect face twists into look of pure evil. She looks up, daring God to rain on her special day. God responds by slapping her with a raindrop right on her poorly applied makeup.

More rain falls, quickly turning into a hard pour. Screams come from all over the crowd, everyone trying to scurry back inside. Jessica takes off down the aisle with her bridesmaids. Eric follows behind the long train of girls. I stand where I am, watching the crowd. This is exactly how I imagined this wedding would go.

Rain soaks the over priced flowers and everything else that is there, including me. Cinderella’s dream wedding is ruined. This whole show probably won’t take place again. It won’t be perfect the second time around, so Jessica just won’t have it. The water washes away all that wasted money and soaks it into the ground.

Before heading inside with the rest of the crowd, I laugh, just a small one. I wonder if Eric will ever learn to take these things as the signs they are, be it a rainstorm or a fistfight between family.