Nothing Changes Nothing Changes

Nothing changes nothing changes that’s what everyone says. I couldn’t stand it when they said that to me because I changed I really did. I changed so much I didn’t even recognize myself. The problem is no one else changed. How was I supposed to stay clean when I was constantly surrounded by crack heads, meth addicts, boozers, and users? It wasn’t long before I caved. My life seemed better when I was using, I didn’t have to feel or deal with problems, I didn’t have to live. Once I relapsed things were more out of control than they were before I got clean. I used more drugs than ever. I would do anything I could get my hands on, I rarely knew what I was taking or what combination of drugs I was already high on. Every hit I took, line I snorted, and pill I popped I got the same feeling every time, a feeling of desperation, of emptiness. I wanted to be more than just some low life drug addict you passed on the street trying your hardest to avoid. Every time I felt that way I pushed those feelings back ignoring them, waiting for the high to kick in, that always got rid of the feelings. I was on a non stop roller coaster of sex, drugs, and where the rock n’ roll should have been was a dirty underground grunge. Until one day I hit my bottom. I woke up in a corner of a garage with a needle in my arm, I don’t remember how I got there. I recognized one of the many people passed out throughout the garage. It was Jessica, we weren’t close, but a drug addict is never close to anyone. I stood up and tip toed my way around the bodies of the unconscious addicts making my way over to the girl I used with so many times before. I knelt down beside her and shook her shoulder in an attempt to wake her. She was cold. I knew what had happened, I’d seen it before but never to anyone I knew. She was dead, an overdose. I didn’t know what to do I just sat there next to her for what seemed like hours. Like so much of my life the rest is just a blur. I knew that could have been me and I didn’t care. I didn’t even care wether I lived or died. Not caring if I died, that was the bottom.