Mage Chapters 4-6

Chapter 4: Untitled, I don’t know why though


1


Hammond and Tom set out immediately to bring the girls back to Argony. When they reached the clearing where they left them, they were startled by a sudden scream. Marisha jumped from a tree and smashed Hammond over the head. Standing up she realized her mistake, and bent to see if he was all right.
“Relax mam, he’s out cold. He’ll be fine, where’s Carrie?” Tom asked. Marisha was scared out of her mind at something, something that was behind Tom at this very moment.
“Hello Tom old chap. How’s life been treating you since the last time you kicked me off a dragon?” Tygony said from behind him. Tom didn’t move, he couldn’t, he was under Tygony’s spell. “What’s the matter, I got your tongue?” He laughed at this entirely too long. “Laugh, damn you!” With this Tygony raised his hand and Tom involuntarily began to laugh.
Carrie sneaked up silently behind Tygony. Tom saw her and tried to look away so as not to draw the attention of his captor. With a violent yell Carrie brought the man to his knees with a silencing blow to the south of Tygony (‘south’ being a polite term for something not mentionable around ladies). The man fell on his face, releasing Tom from his spell. Tygony rolled around spitting whines and moans every which way. Tom got Marisha calmed down, and told Carrie to help her back to town. Tom hoisted Hammond over his shoulder and followed slowly, burdened by the weight of his absent master.
Titus the dragon called to them as they left. Tom turned around smacking Hammond’s head into a tree as he did.
“Don’t leave me here, what if Tygony wakes up?” the dragon asked anxiously.
“Torch ‘em.”
“Torch ‘em?”
“Torch ‘em.”
“Torch ‘em?”
“Torch ‘em.”
“Are you sure?”
“Are you sure?”
“Would you two stop being so freakin’ stupid? Yes he’s sure, and yes torch ‘em!” Carrie said as she walked around a small tree.
“Yes, mam.” The man and dragon alike said ashamedly.
“Now, come on!”
Tom followed with Hammond on his back for a long time until he realized the dragon was following him. He then got up on the dragon and rode it for a while until Carrie turned around.
“If you’re gonna ride the damn thing at least take Hammond off your freakin’ shoulder!”
“Mam, I’m not a ‘damn thing’ I’m a dragon. If you’re going to be so damn ignorant and hurtful I will be persuaded to be mad at you.” Titus the cowardly dragon said.
“Good you worthless freakin’ dragon, I hope yur mad at me! I oughta kick the shit out of you fur that un.”
“Sorry mam, don’t kill me!” pleaded the dragon.
“She ain’t gonna kill ya, she’s exaggeratin’.” Tom explained to the dragon.
“Oh, ain’t I?” she said evilly.
Both of them gulped at the same time. Carrie just laughed as they made their way to Argony.


3


Once back in town, Tom led them directly to the town hall and reported what had taken place.
“So what happened to ‘Mr. Bravery,’ get scared?” Lancelot asked.
“Actually, sir he was whacked in the back of the head by Miss Marisha.” Tom replied.
“It was an accident!” Marisha explained desperately when eyes fell upon her, “I thought it was Tygony, I swear!”
Alarxis laughed, “We believe you, but maybe we should tell Hamm it was Tygony who hit him.”
As if the mere name of his enemy had roused him from his death-like slumber he arose. “What the hell’s going on? And why does my head hurt like a stampede of rabid raving cattle ran over it?” Hammond said drowsily.
“Um, er, Tygony hit you with a tree branch.” Lied Marisha.
“Got a cheap shot he did, master.” Tom added.
“Oh,”
“Oh?”
“Oh.”
“Don’t even start it.” Warned Carrie.
“So where is the Dragon Mage?” Hammond asked.
“Um, we kinda left em there. No sense in dragging him all the way back to town in this weather.” Marisha said quickly.
“It’s warm, sunny, and overall quite pleasant.” Hammond said.
“I must have hit him harder than I thought.” Mumbled Marisha inaudibly.
“What’s that?” Hammond asked.
“Nothing.”
It was, in fact, raining and quite cold, even for that time of year. Lancelot left the room without explanation. The others made several attempts to hail him, but all failed. Alarxis followed him quietly, motioning the others to wait behind.
There was a loud sound like that of a tree falling on a bear. A crunching sound that made anyone that heard it cringe in horror at what might have caused it. A sound that…well it was an unpleasant sound. Immediately Tom went to see what did cause it.
“Lancelot, Alarxis, where are you guys?” he whispered hoarsely through the sudden darkness that filled the hallway.
“Hey, watch where you are stepping bozo!” an unfriendly voice muttered.
“What are you?”
“I am an imp. How dare you step on my feeses!” the impish looking creature said in a very earsplitting high-pitched voice.
“Your feces?”
“No poo, feeses!” he responded gesturing furiously at his feet.
“Oh, feetses. Sorry, what’s your name?” Tom asked.
“They call me Argo. Don’t ask me who they are for I have no friends for to call me that name.” Argo replied.
“I’ll be your friend if you help me. I am looking for me friends. Seen a big one donned in steel, or a smaller one in a cloak of blues?” Tom inquired.
“No, but Argo seen one that was dressed in browns and he offered to be Argo’s friend. Come to thinks of it, he looked an awful lot like you methinks. You have brother?” Argo asked.
“No you moron, I am the one who offered to be your friend if you help me.” Tom said.
“Wee woo, schizo.” Argo said in the same high-pitched voice.
“Stop talking gibberish and help me look.”
They searched several rooms before arriving at the large dining room. In here, they found Alarxis staring directly into an old, musty book. As they approached he raised and turned to face them. He smiled, twinkled his toes and disappeared into the book. Then the book itself stood, smiled, twinkled it’s newly grown toes and disappeared. Lancelot stood shaking in the far corner.
“What’s the matter Lancelot?” Tom asked.
“He, he, he,”
“He who?” Tom asked.
“He haw!” Argo said.
“Silence you ninny!” Tom commanded.
“Erp?” Argo asked.
“Erp.”
“Erp?”
“Yes damn you, erp!”
“Argamenianon’s got him!” Lancelot said loudly.
“Got him where?” Tom asked.
“Over there.” Argo said.
“Over where?”
“Under there.”
“Under where?”
“Ha ha, you said underwear!”
“Shut up both of you!” Lancelot began, “He’s in the Mage world, in the book.”
“In the book?” Tom asked.
“Surely you don’t mean the book!” Argo said.
“Yes, my impish friend. And don’t call me Shirley!” Lancelot said.
“RIPOFF!” Argo sneezed.
“Bless you.” Tom said.
“I think that if we can get back to Mercantillia we could get to Megalia. Then go to the temple of Argamenianon then to the Mage World.” Lancelot said. “I’ve been to Megalia, I know where to go.”
“Do you now, let’s go ask the others.” Tom said.


4


The land in which Alarxis found himself when he woke frightened him beyond belief. It was a barren desert, except for a group of large trees that looked as if they had been there for eons. He decided to head for those to escape the blazing sun.


5


Early the next morning, at the advice of the shaky Lancelot they made for Mercantillia on Titus’s back. Tom, Hammond, Marisha, Lancelot, Carrie, and the Imp; Argo were all ready to charge into the Mage World. All of them saw Argo as a friendly, harmless, little moron when, in fact, he was most likely (with the exception of Tom), the smartest being there.
The sun was just rising as they arrived at Mercantillia. The group had mixed feelings about the day ahead: Carrie, frustration for she had just left this place; Marisha, determination to find her lost love; Tom, dedication to the mission (whatever that may be); Lancelot, fear at what lie ahead; Argo, a sense of belonging for the first time in his pathetic life; Hammond, delirious confusion at his new found concussion.


Chapter 5: The perfect crime


1


Mercantillia was a bustling city this time of year it was the winter festival. People came from the ends of the world to partake in the festivities. Ice sculpting, figure skating, and the ever popular snowball wars. The snowball war consisted of the entire city turned to martial law. No guns, only snow, therefore you must hit everyone you see with a snowball before you yourself get hit. This tradition sprung from the War of the Winters, where men who had recently run out of good ideas decided to make a game out of it and throw snow at each other.
The group made their way to Mike and Phil’s Drunk House to get ready for the trip to Mage World. When Carrie walked in there was a slight reaction from her father.
“Oh, so your back are ya?” Mike said half drunk.

“That I am daddy, just for a little while. Not more than a day, I gotta go rescue one of me friends.” Carrie said disappointedly.
“Sorry, we don’t allow pets here mam.” The replacement bartender said to Tom. “Your dog appears kinda sick.”
“I’m not a dog, I’m an imp!” Argo said in his uniquely high-pitched voice. “Have you no imps in this city?”
“Sir, I don’t know how much your dog has drunk, but stop giving it whiskey. Dogs talking just ain’t natural.” Mike suggested.
“I’m not a dog you Carbon-based biped!” Argo screamed at Mike.
“Hey, hey, there’s women present. None of that language, or I’ll have yur tongue!” Mike said.
“Come on Mikey! Wanna piece of a me? I’ll take you out and I don’t mean to lunch!” Argo showed his ferocious side for the first time.
Carrie, who had been relatively quiet until now spoke up, “Stop it, you foam-mouthed animals!” That was all it took to settle the two down.
“Guys, I’m going into another trance!” Marisha warned them, “We are going west to the Mage World. Tomorrow, I think.”
“You sure?”
“Yeah.”
“Sounds like a plan to me. Tomorrow at dawn we leave on Titus for the west.” Hammond said as if he was the newly appointed leader.
“I’m going for a walk,” Tom said, “You coming Argo?”
The imp nodded and followed Tom out the door. “Where we headed boss?”
“I’d say to the blacksmith’s shop. Last time Tygony and I met he put a large knick in my sword.” Tom replied.
“Where do we get the money to get a new one?” Argo asked but was then silenced by a devilish grin on his master’s face.
“See the blacksmith’s apprentice?” Argo nodded, “She just left the chest alone.”
“Master, I no see what you talking about. We no steal!” Argo said.
“You run off to distract the blacksmith while I get the chest.” Tom commanded.
“What if someone sees you take it?”
“The town is bustling with people. If I play it right they will take no notice.”
Argo smiled and ran off to the blacksmith. The blacksmith was, upon closer examination, a very mannish woman. It was easy to mistake her for a man due to the lack of bosom and facial hair. He danced in front of her until she charged him. Argo ran around in circles keeping the victim at bay. Tom had his golden chance he grabbed it and dumped it in an alleyway where it would not be found by the best scavenger. And went to find Argo, he found him in a cage at the blacksmith’s.
“Hey, that’s my friend!” Tom said pointing at the cage.
“Tom, Tom!” screamed the imp.
“Alright, keep him on a leash.” The blacksmith commanded.
“Fair enough.” Tom said and took the cage and all.
They went back to the bar and Tom told him all. They would go back for it late at night. The perfect crime.
They desperately waited until night had fallen. They then snuck out of the inn and made for the alleyway. When they arrived they opened the chest to find swords, money, and even an amulet. They both took all they could carry, strapped on the best swords they could carry, and Argo put on the amulet. He now looked as if he had dressed in a potato sack and had a Queen’s medallion to match. They made their way out of the alleyway.
“Hey, you seen a chest?” the blacksmith bellowed. “Hey you’re the goblin guy.”
“Imp!” Argo shrieked.
“Yeah, whatever. Hey, you seen my chest. It disappeared right after you left. Hey, nice swords, and that amulet your imps got on looks a lot like the amulet the Mage gave me.” The utter idiocracy of the smithy’s statement amazed man and imp alike.
“A Mage gave you an amulet?” Tom asked.
“Yeah, his name was Algor.” The smith said.
“Al Gore gave you an amulet?” the imp laughed.
“Yeah.”
“Do you know Danquail, Georgebush, or Slick Willie?” Argo asked.
“Yeah all on the Wizard Council.”
“Oh,” Argo said stunned.
"What does this amulet do, if it was given by a mage as powerful as Algor?" Tom asked.
"It drains your personality." said the smithy.
"Oh, that is a surprise," Argo said in a slow dragged out voice.
“Well, we really must go,” Tom said, “Sorry about your chest. I’ll ask my companions to search for it.”
“Fair enough.” Said a very satisfied smithy.
Tom and Argo made their way back to the inn to sleep a well-earned sleep. Never had such a perfect crime been pulled off. As they lay to rest, Tom asked how Argo knew such Mages. The response startled him:
“Don’t you watch the news? Sorry, never mind.”
They slept a good sleep knowing that tomorrow would be a hard day.



Chapter 6: Silly Doorways


1


As planned, they set out early. They returned to the place where they left Titus, but found no dragon. “Where in the blue hell could that big, fire-breathing, moron go?”
They all search the area for any signs of what had happened. “Hey guys, I think I found something!” She waved a letter in the air.
“Well, what does it say?” Hammond asked quickly.
“It says: ‘If you ever want to see your stupid dragon again stay away from Megalia. Don’t worry I will not harm the idiot. I have him convenced that I am Tygony’s good twin brother. But you all know better than that, there are no good twin brothers, only evil twin brothers. Ha Ha Ha! Neener Neener Neener! Cough!!! Love, Tygony.
“Bless the stars that man is an idiot. Well, you heard the man don’t go to Megalia. I guess our plans have changed.” The cowardly Lancelot said.
“NO WAY!!!” The rest replied. Titus was a dragon he could take care of himself. Alarxis was a wizard in Mage World.
“The course remains the same. We leave for Megalia on foot.” Hammond announced to his crew. Strict emphasis on ‘his.’
The group set out along the only road that went west from Mercantillia. It was a silly road, the kind only a dwarf would build. It was twisty, curvy, and quite hilly. They could have just followed the river that followed the road and took a nearly straight, flat path. They followed the road eventless for several days. At night they would camp near the river or in a clump of trees nearby.
Game was scarce on the way, as the climate gradually got warmer. Their supplies were running thin. Countless were the days that they were forced to settle for bread, water and cheese. After several days, the food’s taste began to fade as their taste buds began to shrivel.
Lancelot whined of many things, but mostly how the group was not letting him have any cheese, which was what they could taste easiest. Once they gave him some so he would shut up. Taking and quickly gulping it down he exclaimed, “Behold, the power of cheese!”
This earned a sigh and a bent head from Argo. He seemed to know things that the others didn’t. He also found humor in such things that any normal person would cringe at. Such as a mangled squirrel on the side of the road at which he would shriek “Road-kill!” and laugh hysterically for minutes on end. The others would fake a laugh now and then to make him look less insane.
On the tenth day they came upon a gate in the middle of the road. A gate that led to nowhere. Just a gate suddenly a soldier marched in a rather comical fashion towards the gate and bellowed, “YOU MAY NOT PASS!”
“We have to.” Tom said.
“YOU MAY NOT PASS!” the soldier insisted.
“Our friend is in danger and we must rescue him!” Marisha pleaded.
“YOU MAY NOT PASS!” The soldier wasn’t giving up.
“Can’t you say anything else?” Argo asked.
“No, I’m not supposed to.” The soldier said sheepishly.
“Wait a tick, why don’t we just walk around the gate and you could tell your King that this never happened.” Hammond suggested.
“Oh, no I can’t do that.” The soldier replied.
“Why not?”
“Because.”
“Because why?”
“Because you’re stupid and your mother smells.” the soldier said rudely.
“Says who?” Carrie asked.
“Says me.”
“I think you should let us through.” Carrie said.
“Why should I?”
“We’re rather nice people. Give us a chance we’ll grow on you.” Tom suggested.
“Like a mold?” the soldier asked disgustedly.
“No, more like a fungus.” Argo argued.
The soldier was not giving up. They had to build a brilliant strategy. Hammond led them back a few feet to prevent the soldier form hearing. “On three we make a run past him Carrie, Marisha, and Lancelot run to the left. Argo you and Tom with me to the right. Let’s go.”
They got into positions.
“One,”
“One what?” the soldier asked.
“Two,”
“Two?”
“Three!”
With that mass confusion broke out they ran to either side of the gate and ran face first into an invisible wall. They all got up rubbing their foreheads in pain.
“I told you that I could not let you walk around and I was serious. Next time let me in on your little counting game, I can count plum to ten!” The soldier announced proudly.
“Hey guys,” Hammond whispered, “I found something.” He nodded to a doorknob suspended in midair. Or as they rather painfully found out, in midwall.
He turned the knob slowly and pushed an invisible door open. It squeaked loudly and the soldier came running. They all hurried through as fast as they could and Argo slammed the door behind them. The soldier still was running for them and smacked face first into the door.
“Maybe he should‘a counted to ten.” Tom said as he turned to face an orc that stood a head taller than him. “Gwahhrg!” was his stifled scream as he was dragged off to who knows where. Which was quite ironic, the orc’s name was Who.


2


They awoke in a large room, more of a cave than a room. Surrounded by orcs. They began to introduce themselves. First Who, then What, next When, followed by Where, before Why, and How.
They all began talking nonsense soon after the self-introductions. Every one of them started every sentence with their names. Which was confusing in itself. Until the goblins came in. A, E, I, O, U, and sometimes Y. Walked in with the grace of a swan, a dead swan thrown by a lame old man with a crooked smile and a piece of spinach in his teeth. They, too started every sentence with their names.
After a long time the group became frustrated and just walked away. They made their way out of the cave and back to the road. They continued the journey westward with luck the goblins and orcs would be arguing till daylight. They settled down for what turned out to be a remarkably good night’s sleep. Later when Lancelot recounted the situation to his friends he called it a quite silly trip. One he did not recommend to his friends. He even continued to say that he did not tip the waiter, but at that point he was rather drunk and nearly incoherent.
Little did they know a goblin never forgets. They just confuse what they remember to the point that it does not matter at all if they remember or not. But occasionally you get a lucky goblin that will remember something quite similar, but of course not quite, and if you get a goblin that was born on a leap year then…