Life happens

Life happens, and sometimes that means shit happens. Sometimes you see it coming and sometimes you don’t, but the beauty of dealing with life is figuring out how to go with the flow even when there are significant obstacles and challenges. Even when you aren’t sure who you are or where you are going. Even when you aren’t sure who loves you enough to support you, since dealing with your life forces them out of the comfortable space they would rather occupy where things are always fine and change never happens.

You see, my life recently happened. It might as well have jumped right up and bit me in the ass because that is about how abruptly everything changed. I went from having it all figured out to not knowing a damn thing about who I was, what I wanted or where I was going. Bottom line: I didn’t have it all figured out, I probably won’t for a while, and I am attempting to find a way to be okay with that. I am doing pretty well at putting on a good façade; I get through work successfully – thriving in my new position at work, I try my very best to balance graduate school with a full time job and two part time freelance positions. I go out with friends and act like the old, unchanged me – confident, happy, funny, comfortable with my life. Heaven forbid they become uncomfortable as a result of the train wreck I have turned my romantic life into!

When I don’t need the façade though, life gets a little scarier – I realize that I bought too many groceries when I first moved into my new apartment because I have been shopping for two for so long. I sign a birthday card for a friend with just my name which I don’t think I have done since my soon to be ex-husband and I moved in together. I RSVP’d for the wedding of a family member without a date. I had to admit that I can’t do it all when I tried to hang pictures in my new place and realized that there was no possible way I could hammer nails into the wall in a straight line and hold the heavy frames at the same time. I had to realize that I couldn’t do everything I needed to do alone – acknowledging my limitations while trying so hard to be independent and empowered was really tough. I felt helpless and the evening ended in tears I didn’t want to cry. For the first time in more than 3 years, I had to go to bed in my own place – silent other than my own breathing, and I don’t tell anyone goodnight or hear anyone say that they love me. It is an adjustment, one that I am slowly getting better at – but admittedly some days are better than others.

Recently, I got separated after a very short amount of time being married, and I should be mad at myself and/or disappointed in my lack of foresight in the decision making process of my life. Believe me, I wish things had happened differently, that my epiphany of change and my realizations about myself and my relationship had occurred before walking down the aisle. I am not thrilled with the way I handled things or the giant mess I now have to clean up. However, I choose instead to focus on the positives: how proud I am of realizing who I am now and who I can be and for understanding that decisions, however difficult, need to be made in order to accomplish that.

First, I want to make sure to say that I absolutely believe in love. In fact, I seem to believe in it so much that I am not willing to settle for anything less than my absolute belief in what love should be and how it should feel, butterflies and excitement included. I do care very much for my soon to be ex-husband, but I am not “in love” with him and I should be – he deserves it and so do I.

I should follow up with my second assertion which is that I absolutely believe in marriage. Not in a conservative man-woman only way, but in a “lets celebrate how much we love each other by making a long-term commitment” kind of way. I believe in the right marriage. I believe in one that allows both people to be themselves while also complimenting and supporting each other. I believe in one that creates a happy “family” and offers a safe haven from the rest of the world. I believe in one that allows the two people in it to grow together with passion and friendship and honesty. I do not believe in the one that seems to make sense because it is the next step, or everyone expects it, or you get so caught up in the wedding tunnel of planning that you forget who you are and what you want for the sake of someone else and for the societal belief that once married it won’t matter anymore. I bought into the belief that my doubts would go away and that I could make things work by wanting them bad enough. It was all bullshit; a marriage license didn’t change my feelings and I only succeeded in hurting someone I truly cared for, even though I couldn't give him what he wanted or deserved.

People are very judgmental, myself included. We feel entitled to the whole story and if it doesn’t make sense, or if we can’t fit it into the societal molds that comfort us in conformist ways, we feel the need to judge it. People ask the most amazing questions – I am actually shocked at how much they feel they should know about my life and my separation. However, in all honesty – if a friend was getting separated after only 8 months of marriage, I would probably want answers too. We don’t like to feel as if we have been duped by someone or like we could someday be in the same position. If I were the observer to this situation, I would probably ask myself if this could happen to me – if the person I loved might fall out of love with me or leave me. I would question my own reality while also dealing with and judging the lives of the people involved. Out of fear of experiencing the same things, we choose to blame those involved, particularly the person who initiated the change. We want to believe something is “wrong” with them instead of accepting that love doesn’t always last, that people can’t always make things work and that maybe, just maybe, happiness is fleeting at times. Believing something is “wrong” with someone else is easier, less scary, and less likely to impose upon our own lives.

I am realizing through this experience that following ones heart is underappreciated and going with ones gut feeling – ones’ intuition – is underutilized. This is especially true of women, who seem to feel like everything needs a clearly defined label and that we aren’t capable of taking care of ourselves long term, or that we are defined by our relationships, or that the biological clock is an enemy to bow to. We are encouraged to stick it out, to settle, to make it work – and when we don’t, when we break out of the societal mold – people don’t know how to react. So instead of first showing support, they force guilt; instead of using love, they use judgment.

When I think about how I’ll look back on this experience, and the fall-out, I feel like there is the rational look at the history and the emotional look at the experience. Rationally, I suppose the desired outcome of this is three-fold: first, to recognize the value of myself as an individual and my ability to give myself advice; second, to be less judgmental and more willing to recognize that I can only live my own life and allow others to do the same; and finally, that life truly does happen both when we are most aware and when we least expect it. The only thing we can control is our own reactions to our experiences. Rationally, I would probably even be presumptuous enough to give some advice: that it is important believe in love and refuse to settle for anything less, even when it isn't easy. It all sounds great, right?

Emotionally, I would have to honestly say that I don’t know how things will turn out and I don’t know how I will look back on this – whether I will always be proud of myself for realizing my own feelings and dreams and making changes even when they were hard or if I will someday feel only guilt for causing someone else pain. Emotionally, I think I’ll always wonder if things could have happened differently, if I ignored some type of sign. I’ll probably question whether it could happen again – either by me or to me.

Overall, I would say that while the situation itself has its own form of closure, the life learning experiences that will come from it are unfinished – my story is unfinished. Even in the saddest, most lonely moments, I try to remember that I am a work in progress and part of the excitement is waiting to see what comes next. There is a quote that I have found myself thinking of numerous times over the past several months – it reads: “we build walls not to keep people out but to see who cares enough to break them down”. Part of the progression is being open to the finding a great love – to meeting someone unexpected and allowing myself to enjoy it, to feel the butterflies and experience the excitement. It is about not being afraid of following my heart, of letting myself fall - even if the outcome is unknown - and allowing myself to be truly happy.