Notes on the World's...

Notes on the World's Most Pressing Social Dilemma

Ever since the World was made, there have been Social Classes of people. There are the Upper Class, the Middle Class, and the Lower Class. Everyone knows this, as we are programmed from Birth to accept it. All of us fit somewhere into one of these Classes, or perhaps hover between Two. Most of us would like to pretend that our Status based upon Morality, Integrity, Intelligence, and being a Good Citizen. But if we are to be truthful, it has really always been based upon what one has and what one does not have. In short, Money.And we all know that there is yet another Class of People, People who can be found in all three Classes, though it seems to be more Likely found in the Higher Levels. These particular People do not have a specific Label, so I shall temporarily christen them the False Royals (although history will show this name is not entirely accurate, as many True Members of Royalty have fallen under this Category as well.)

I'm quite sure all my readers know the People of whom I am speaking. They are the Choice Individuals who are superior to all Manner of Beast and Human who walk the Earth. They are the Ones who cannot bear to associate Themselves with non- False Royals (unless, of course, the non- False Royal is an employee of Theirs and is significantly lower in class than They.) False Royals are those Simply Delightful and Long-Suffering Men and Women who make snide comments about the Clothing, Hairstyles, and Possessions of anyone They feel slacking in the most important Duty of displaying vast amounts of Wealth and Social Refinement. The Youthful False Royals are the Children who spend hours making Themselves appear perfect before School each morning and who lose Their Appetite at Lunch if They are forced to sit too near Socially inadequate adolescents. They feel Obligated, as the Older Editions of Themselves do, to judge others based on Outward Appearance and Display of Opulence. Often They are aware that They are not required to show Respect for Adults if the Adults in Question are not fellow False Royals. They are, as Schoolchildren frequently shamelessly nickname Them, The Snobs.

What are we, as Citizens of the World, to do about these False Royals? Surely it is unfair of us to expect Them to keep in such close contact with Horrendous Untouchables such as ourselves. After all, we are forcing Them to work in the same Buildings we work in, attend Mass in the same Churches we attend Mass in, eat Dinner at the same Restaurants we eat our Dinners in. By God, we force Them to Breathe the Same Air we breathe into Their Immaculate and Delicate Lungs! And what's worse, the Children of False Royals are often enrolled in the same Schools that our Children are enrolled in. Of course we must understand the Natural Tendency for parents to want to protect Their Children. Who would want Their Precious Darlings contaminated and poisoned by being exposed to our children: children whose Parents are tainted by Divorce, Poverty, Used Cars, Polyester Sheets on their beds? The Abomination must be stopped at once, and it is up to us to stop it. The False Royals cannot be expected to Risk Further Exposure by talking to the likes of us unless absolutely Necessary. What shall we do?

Luckily, my Friends, I have a Proposal. It would be Logical for the Untouchables to relocate to a Remote Part of the Earth and let the more Deserving Humans rule as God must have intended Them to. But False Royals, though They are abundant in every Corner of the Earth (and everywhere In Between), still remain the Minority. Therefore, although it is Bold of me to Assume so, I believe that They should be the Ones to relocate. Antarctica, while very cold, is still a Perfectly Good Continent that is completely unoccupied, save a few Penguins. I do not believe it is Outrageous to assume that the False Royals could make a Home there. After all, penguins are Enchanting Creatures, and who does not like playing in the Snow? Of course They will require a Great Deal of Lotion to keep Their skin Perfectly Hydrated, and several Tanning Beds to keep a healthy Glow, but these are small Obstacles that can be overcome quite easily. If Antarctica is Unsuitable, there is also Talk of Humans being able to live on the Moon in the Near Future. Perhaps that too is an Option. Probably an even better Suggestion, if you Weigh it Seriously, as the Moon is much farther from the Invisible Toxins that radiate from the overwhelming number of Untouchables, than Antarctica.

And so, Friends, this is my Proposal. Do with It what you will, but I bid you to Keep in Mind that the Time has come for Something to be done about the Atrocities I have brought to Light. Don't let Their False Royal Highnesses suffer any Longerlet the people join together to Rescue Them from Their Continuous and Prolonged Agony.