Not the best timing of my life

Is it because I'm scared? Is it because I know way deep down that I cannot change the course my life has taken? Or is it just that my timing is the worst in the world? I wanted to tell you for so long about my feelings, I kept them so well hidden that for a time, I wasn't even aware of them. I was so content to be your friend, to have you in my life and to bask in the warmth of this relationship. And you never suspected a thing, couldn't see this bubbling mass undeneath the surface. Or did you see it and just choose to ignore it, knowing that it would forever change things, and we would never be able to go back.
When it finally bubbled over, I could barely contain myself. We had spent so much time together, we were inseperable, and everyone I knew told me how much you cared for me, how hard it would be for you to live without me. The last night of the summer, after the long drive back, we stood holding each other under the stars for what seemed like an eternity. It was perfect, you were the one who understood me and didn't ask me to be anything other than who I was.
Saying goodbye to you was the worst day of my life. I knew it would never be the same, the magic was going to leave and things were moving so fast, we couldn't stop them.
I keep telling myself that you didn't write because it was too hard, the words wouldn't come, or they weren't enough. The hope and the memories were enough to keep the feeling simmering, just enough to let me go on with my life, but still have that dream, of us being together. So I became bold. I took a big deep breath and told you how I really felt, how it was so right for us to be together, and how wonderful it would be. And the silence I felt after the air left my lungs and my words took hold of you encompassed me like the darkest of caves. All around me things moved slower, like the passing of time had to halt for you to understand that I had altered things forever.
It was a long time before I heard from you again. I spent many nights wondering how all those people could be so wrong, telling me you couldn't live without me, that I had something you needed and had to have. How could I have misread those signals, the talks we had, the time you spent with me? When there were so many others you could have been with and you chose me, how could I confuse that with you having feelings for me?
So I retreated, and began the journey without you.
And I enjoyed my new life, void of you. I made myself enjoy it, for I had given up hope of you. I found happiness with another, and made a new life. I had begun to heal, and make peace with what might have been.
I should know that my life will not be as simple as that, and I should have expected that without warning, you would find me and enter my life again. I took my time answering your message, not sure what I was going to find, or feel. To see you again was almost too good. Could you sense the awkwardness I felt introducing you to my husband? The similarities between you had to be noticeable, although I had not taken note of them consciously before. What a joke this was. I had married the best substitute you I could find. And now you were here in front of me, telling me how hard it is for you to find someone, and how much you miss me.
Did you seek me out on purpose? You never told me what prompted you to find me again.
Now when I look at my life, all I can see is charade. A created life, so that I could hide, and forget what had been. I see what-ifs and could have beens where before had been certainty and purpose. Is that what life is? A series of choices forcing you forward, never to return? Or is is just my timing, the worst timing in the world?